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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - nothing else to add except ditto.

some people seem to be content without it though. i don't get it.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how'd the Bday go Strider?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my son thought it was great.

i let him open the presents. i got:
-a big virginia tech mug that has these lights that blink when you turn 'em on
-a "it's just a flesh wound" monty python t-shirt with an armless, legless black knight on it.
-a VT desk lamp
-a VT business card holder
-a 14" deep dish pizza baking dish
-a 14" pizza baking stone
-a 12"x21" pizza spatula
-some gift cards
-a $50 check from my parents.
-a nice sentimental card from FWW saying how wonderful i am how glad she is that i'm heres.
-no followup nookie.

she made a banana w/ chocolate icing cake. just bought regular yellow cake and mashed up a few banana's and mixed 'em in. my son decorated it with sprinkles and little swirly hersey kisses. it's a really good cake.

son went to bed around 8:15, finally feel asleep around 9, we were in bed and going to sleep by 9:30.

i had no desire to even try to get some birthday nookie.

i will, however, today be testing out my new pizza stuff. the last few months i've been learning to make pizza from scratch and i'll make another pass at perfecting my sauce recipe. might even try to a pie on the grill tonight.

overall the best part was my son.

i did make it to the movies before i went home after i left work early, but the projector took a big dump and burned the film in half. so i got half way thru pirates 3, and a free complimentary ticket to go back and try again.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 9:21 AM, May 26th (Saturday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doesn't sound too bad strider, except you obviously wanted some intimacy you didn't get. You can be vice president of the "no-nookie on Bday club."

We talked a little in MC. She said he took a chance to be vulnerable and tell me how he felt (pressured, coerced) about sex. Says that was progress. However the followup at home was not productive. I'll write more later. We're supposed to take it slow, cuddling, hand holding, anything pre-sex, just hold off on the intercourse.

Even though I told her it made me feel unsure of myself all over again, I'd try, but he has to too. I told her we had that one moment on my Bday where he hugged me and didn't break it off. How good that felt and she said we should aim for that. If we were going to kiss, we should kiss, not keep one eye open on the Tv (he does). Maybe massage or neck rubs, but BOTH have to do, it can't just be me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Queeny4082
♀ Member
Member # 5903
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, I'm right there with you Weepy and Strider. I'm only 29 years old and my FWH just turned 33. When I (again) attempted to talk about our lack of intimacy, he told me he was getting older and most men his age have little interest in sex. Did I mention he's 33? The most recent stretch of abstinence was six weeks.

I feel so conflicted about all of this. My H is a recovering SA and I know he had sexual abuse in his past. But there's this selfish voice that keeps asking "what about me?" I'm like Strider. I feel better when he at least appears to be moving forward. He made it clear the other day, though, that he's happy with things the way they are and I'm just pressuring him. I'm insensitive and over-sexed b/c I asked if we could try to at least aim for once a week.

Over all I'm pretty lucky. We have a good life together, he's helped me follow my dreams, and he's been remorseful since D-Day 2 1/2 years ago. I feel guilty for not being satisfied with this abundance of riches, but it's just not enough. Like Weepy, I want it all! I want to feel like he just can't keep his hands off of me. I want to be free to feel the same way about him without being rejected or feeling guilty. I want to recover my sexuality which I've been repressing for years now. I want to be young before its too late!

I guess the thing that concerns me most is how on edge I feel. I had a dream last night where a stranger hit on me. I knew I should turn him down and I tried, but I just couldn't walk away. I'm afraid that could happen in real life.

I feel so fragile, unwanted, and like some sexual predator. Did I mention he usually can't orgasm unless he finishes off the job himself? Yep, lets add inadequate and unattractive to the list. I guess the best word to sum it all up is ... desparate. I just feel desparate!


FBW- Me, 29 + 1
FWS- H, 33, SA and working hard in recovery

Forgiveness is giving up the HOPE that anything in the past could have been any different.


Posts: 1583 | Registered: Nov 2004
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - i'm torn...sometimes i can't stand to be in the same room with WW, other times, all i want to do his tear her clothes off and screw her for hours. sometimes i kind of feel both simultaneously. and the b-day was OK overall. i'm gonna put my pizza making gear to work today or tomorrow.

queeny - welocme to the club.

sometimes our WS's have issues that cause impacts to the M that we just can't tolerate forever.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for this group...

My H has always preferred to be the passive party. It showed in his choice of LTAP and even the hookers. Even thought he actively CHOSE and put the effort out to be with them, he said it was mostly them doing all the "work". He's not the one to (ok getting explicit) initiate entry either. I mean he doesn't act in a way that shows he's choosing the position. So most of the time it's woman on top for us. If I want something different, I have to tell him "get behind me" or "get on top". He doesn't direct the action.

As a point of reference, this is DIFFERENT since his As began. I may have initiated more early on, but he was a participant at least.

Queen, at 29 I'd be climbing the walls. I'm 53 and I have libido deficiency anyway from the hysterectomy. I think that's why it hurts me so much, here I am trying and I'm not really getting anything out of it, but I'm still playing "the game". He won't come out of the dugout!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - are you asking if it is normal for a guy to be so passive?


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
BetsyBG
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Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

some people seem to be content without it though. i don't get it.
I think the operative word here is seem. Things are not always what they appear to be. I probably would fall into the category of someone who appears to be pretty adept at handling a sexless marriage. I'm not. What I am really adept at is acting as though things are okay.


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm asking if it's a common theme for the W men or SA men. I'm wondering because like I said, it's changed.

But you strider have already said you'd like to be the one to intiate when you can and "take" her. I haven't had that scenario in 15 years.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
jp12861
♀ Member
Member # 12525
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a sexual abuse survivor and a WS. This is something healthy we did last night. i don't know if this is a t/j or o/t just wanted to share that there is hope.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=168495


Just me now and my girls
50
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
healinginal
♀ Member
Member # 14562
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been unable to post for a couple of days so I'm jumping back in here.

JoePike you mentioned that you had googled about yeast infections...I guess I'm just dumb but I never even thought about the oral sex part of it. My dr explained it to me this way: We all have our own bacteria and then we meet someone and start having sex and mix our bacteria with theirs. Your body builds an immunity or acceptace of that bacteria. But when one of the parties goes and has sex with someone else you are adding another bacteria and (usually its the female parter) your body doesn't accept this foregin bacteria and reacts. It's usually the female just because we we are inney's. So when a female starts to have recurrent infections if its not from medication the dr will assume its from a WS. Why my others drs, who I was seeing for the recurrent infections, didn't mention this I don't know. But even if they did I probably would have refused to believe it.

I have to say that I am alittle surprised by this thread. From what my x told me I am the only one who has a problem. What he never understood was that the lack of sex in our marriage was due to his abuse. He would come home from work and I would say "Hi Hon, how was your day" He would turn and glare at me and yell "can't I just come home and have a few minutes to unwind before you start in on me". So I told him I would do that. Then after about a week of me waiting until he spoke before saying anything he comes home and screams at me "you know it would be nice for you to just acknowledge me when I come home". So I could never win. He would come home and call me names, make a mess of the house that I spent all day cleaning, complain about the meal I cooked for him, curse and call every woman on tv foul names, critize everything I said or did and put down my family to me. I would get so fed up I would leave the room and go to bed to read. About 20 mins later he would come in and start again about how I should have told him I was going to bed. He would turn on the tv and turn up the volume and yell and curse at the tv ruining the moment of peace that I was seeking.We would turn out the lights to go to sleep and then after about 20 mins he would roll over and ask me "are you horny or do you want me to poke you". Of course I did!! I left the room to get away from him and he thinks I want him to touch me. It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex but I didn't want to have sex with the man who had been attacking me all night. On the nights we did try and he couldn't perform as he should, it was again my fault. He would shove me away and say I was so disqusting that he couldn't do it anymore. Then as everything was falling apart he said that us not having sex was a huge problem for him. Well it was for me too. I missed the sex as much as he did but it was his actions that set us on that path. I had shut down to cope with the abuse I was facing. He even went so far as to tell me that if we had sex as soon as he walked in the door it might change his attitude. Like that was suppose to make me feel loved and needed. Being in the military we moved about every year so I didn't have anyone to turn to that was close. Sadly he was the only person in town that I would know alot of the time. The other wives would send invitations to get togethers, cook out and other outings with their husbands to work to give to the other husbands to bring home. Mine would throw it away further isolating me from people. But then he would throw it in my face that I didn't have any friends but he did. Only he didn't know that those people who he thought were his friends turned to support me when I finally left.
So to now, yes I am healing and trying to move on with my life. It is so much better than I thought it would be. Emotionally I'm better, financially I'm struggling. I have been on a few dates but trust it now a big issue with me. Not so much as trust in fidelity but in trust to give my heart to someone. Every man that I have ever dated has cheated on me so at this point I don't feel that any man can be faithful. I don't mean that to hurt or insult any of the men on here but that is just my experience so far. The one time that things started to go alittle further with a man I had been dating I paniced. I felt good that someone found me desirable but I was afraid to trust the feelings. Then knowing the gift of a lifetime (herpes)that my XH gave me I had to stop things and after he left I cried my self to sleep. Not knowing how my life will ever be good again is killing me. I try to act like things are great on the outside and most people think that I am happy with my life as it is. But I do miss having someone in my life that is special. I feel like damaged goods that no one wants. And the X is married to his OW and they are living the good life. If it wasn't for the herpes I feel that my emotional sexual difficulties could be solved by a loving and caring man. But I can't for the life of me see how someone could be willing to accept damaged goods. And how in a small town do you trust someone to tell and not have them tell everyone? I feel so bad knowing this myself I just don't think I can handle everyone else knowing.


Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Alabama
clickgo
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Member # 14748
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad I found this thread. 5 weeks since d-day and H and I are talking, spending time together. Good signs. Some days are better than others. The thing is...I feel like a freak sometimes b/c I want to have sex w/ my husband but he's not ready yet. He had an EA/PA w/ OW for 4 months. He's obviously still going through withdrawal but has gotten through the worst part of it. This morning was the first time we did some heavy petting. I felt like I was forcing him. He and I both got satisfaction but again I felt like I forced him. Should I lay off and give him his space?


BS (me) 35
WH 42
D-Day 4/17/07
Separated 6/2/07
d-day # 2 7/2/07 NC was never established
3/17/08-Lawyer just called and said it's official DIVORCED

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NY
healinginal
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Member # 14562
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember when I first found out about my XH 1st A. I think we had sex more than ever. It was the only way I felt that I could attempt to reconnect with him. Strange since before I found out I didn't want to have sex with him because of the abuse.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Alabama
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - well, as far as common themes for WH's or SA survivors, i don't know first hand. i guess it wouldn't surprise me for SA survivors to have any of a number of abnormal sexual preferences. being totally passive could be a result of SA.

as far as WH's, from what i see here, and from my understanding of how my FWW's OM was, i think most WH's are probably not totally passive.

just about all men have aggression in them. i know i do anyway. the few that don't probably had it at one point, but then had it beaten out of them (doesn't have to be physically beating though).

is your WH aggressive about other things? does he get pissed about the neighbor's cat or dog or something?

tonite, FWW had a long talk about stuff. i think i figured out another piece of the puzzle for her problems. she just flat said this tonight. she said i don't deserve to be going thru these problems with her. that i never did anything wrong to her.

she did not outright say this, but i think she feels she does not deserve me now. or is not worthy or something. or i deserve better than her.

it'd be a really long post to explain it all, and i'm not going to stay up long enough to write it all.

so she feels bad because she doesn't feel like she's being the wife i deserve to have. well, she's right, i do deserve better. so now its a question of when is she gonig to start being the wife i deserve to have?

it hit me that there's nothing i can do or not do that will make her feel better too. i told her that tonight.

i'm really starting to come down to the solution to this problem for us is to just start doing it again on some regular basis (maybe set a schedule at first or something, like every wednesday and saturday, or something) and it will eventually build up for us.

but now don't really want her all tha bad. i want something better.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

clickgo - does he feel forced? have you asked him how he feels?

if he's ok, and you want to be physical, then i say go for it.

if he's not ok, then you have to work out with him how you two shall handle it.

ETA - it just hit me to add this re: yeast infections.

FWW had yeast infections much more regularly during her A than before or since. OM had a vasectomy, so they didn't use protection. come to think of it actually, it's almost time for my 6 months later STD testing again.

anyway, i think what would happen was that OM would boink his wife, then boink FWW and transfer some of OM's W's 'flora' to FWW, and it would throw FWW all out of balance biologically, and she'd get a yeast infection.

if FWW ever starts getting chronic yeast infections again, i'm going to go thru the roof.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 11:36 PM, May 26th (Saturday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
moveon?
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Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's OK to introduce a new topic/question here...if not, just tell me!

FWBF and I have never had a great sex life, but it's gotten somewhat better in the last year (A was in 3/06). HE is the one not interested...we usually average 4-5/times month, which is not nearly enough for me. He is NOT into foreplay and he NEVER wants to have sex at night...only in the morning. And he very rarely will perform oral sex on me...sooo, all of this to say...for several months I really tried talking to him about it and working on it, but now, I seem to be giving up. It's like the longer we go, the lower my libido gets. I think the "use it or lose it" theory is true. BTW, we are 36 and 38, no kids, no major stress...we should be having rock star sex right now! But we're not. I just don't know what to do at this point...we are NOT married, but live together, more or less. He has his own place, but NEVER stays there. I get so many mixed messages about sex and marriage...is it really SO important that I wouldn't marry someone over it or will it get so bad that I will end up getting divorced over it??

Here's the other kicker that is a HUGE problem for me...although he won't have sex with me more than once/week, I know he looks at porn at least 2-3 times/week. He doesn't know i know this, however. He's mostly just looking at free videos/pics, but recently I saw a CC statement with $175 worth of charges for "chatting" with someone at 3.99/minute!! I haven't confronted him about this b/c I got this information by snooping...

I know what most of you will say...GET OUT! But it's not that easy...I love him. He is VERY good to me, loves me, has REALLY done a great job at R since the one time PA he had...and believe me, I have checked up on him! Everything about this relationship is really good, except these sex issues...

Thoughts? advice?


Age 41, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moveon? - it starts with communication. you need to communicate your frustration. if you want more sex, you need to tell him how you feel. and then ask him why he doesn't when he's look at porn.

as far as what he won't do to you, that's one that's harder to negotiate i think. if he's uncomfortable with oral sex, ask him why and see if there's anything you can do to mitigate his concerns.

i personally don't go down except if FWW (well, used to be this way when we had a sex life) is pretty much fresh out of hte shower. has to be clean, but i don't mind doing it. we also used to have this stuff to put FWW that made her feel all tingly and smelled and tasted all minty when i did oral to her. maybe an option for you?


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
moveon?
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Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you, strider. you're right. He def. knows how i feel...we've talked about all of it. He knows I want it more often and he knows that it bothers me that he looks at porn. He says he doesn't look nearly as often as I think he does and that "all guys do it"...I know a LOT of guys look at porn and it doesn't mean that they aren;t interested in their wives/GFs, but do they do it to the tune of $175/month!!!?? That seems excessive to me! call me crazy!

Re: the oral sex...i've asked him point blank what the problem is...he says he's just never been a big fan, and that's it's not me or any "issues" with me. Yet he still wants me to do it to him. It seems very selfish to me...but, yes, maybe I'll try the tingly, minty stuff! couldn't hurt!


Age 41, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

moveon? - i'm not implying that there is anything wrong with you hygiene wise - but most guys i know that don't do oral to women, it's because they see that part of a woman's body as unhygenic. they worry about smell, etc. in my experience, both with FWW, and before her, it's pretty much unfounded, unless she's been out jogging, or something else. after all, that part of hte body sweats too and all.

the tingly, minty stuff (or other stuff, there's a bunch of stuff available for that, lots of different flavors...) and a shower before hand....might be just what the doctor ordered.

i believe in equality in relationships though, if he won't, then you could consider not doing oral on him as well. nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 12:01 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
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