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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
Helovesmenot
♀ New Member
Member # 15918
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm twelve weeks pregnant with our second child and I'm divorcing WH. After months of angry silence and withdrawal, the final straw came when my aunt told me that she saw my WH,OW and OUR SON AT TARGET. This while I was working to make our ends meet.

I figure that if he isn't going to be there for me and have the decency to break it off now, then he never will.

I'm scared out my mind at the prospect of raising two babies on my own, but I know that I will be in a much better place emotionally and mentally to do that if I'm not with WH. I just can't fathom why he could walk away from it all. I think that it's harder to be on your own when you are pregnant, there's no one to give you back rubs and get you snacks. That part I will certainly miss.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2007
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((helovesmenot))

I'm so sorry. I just had my babies and I've been thorugh my own emotional rollercoaster with FWH. Do you have any other support at this time? Anyone who can help you with your son and with your pregnancy?


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
baby_socks
♀ Member
Member # 10336
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about ex-h's affair when our daughter was 5 months old. He admits to the affair starting when she was first born. Our daughter was born in Sept he says affair began in Nov. I have my suspicions that it began sooner than that. But I guess I'll never know. When I got pregnant I started demanding more for myself. I was 23. I had crappy self esteem. I took whatever crap he gave me. But I refused to take crap for my baby. So I demanded that he do things right. That he call when he'd be late. That he help with our daughter. That he change into a decent father... or father-to-be. So he found someone that wouldn't demand anything of him in his affair partner. And that he fully and completely admitted to.

So he married OW. And got her pregnant months after he left. They now have a new baby. In addition to her other 2.

That's okay.

He hasn't been much of a father to our DD. I just thank God that I didn't get pregnant again. I'm sure it would have been a blessing, but we had actually had some unprotected sex about a month before D-Day and planned on having another.

It's a year and a half out.

It's been hard. I had nursing trouble. Post-partum. Had to go back to work.

I've been really depressed.

Things have been hard.

I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world.

The one good thing I got out the marriage.

And what's weird is that raising my daughter by myself is easier in a lot of ways than raising her with someone who didn't care.

It was actually easier because I had one less child to take care of, and he wasn't contributing anyway.

I mean it sucks sometimes. I never planned on being a single mom. I was married, and this baby was planned.

But I've realized that despite the setbacks I sometimes have... I CAN do anything. I CAN support myself and my child. I CAN be and am a great mom.


I'm not your princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.

Posts: 3454 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Indiana
Helovesmenot
♀ New Member
Member # 15918
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 24th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fortunately for me, I do have plenty of support from friends, my family and his family (who do NOT support his actions whatsoever). I'm with baby socks on this one, I had never asked for any of this, I had planned on being married, I had planned on having a family. Even with support, it's been an emotional rollercoaster every day. I cry all day one day and then I'm fine the next.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2007
dawn0703
♀ Member
Member # 12451
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I got pregnant the weekend after I learned about his A (HB). My oops was born 7 weeks ago and he is beautiful. It is hard with a 4 year old, 15 month old, and 7 week old, but FWH really has been wonderful. However, I still think about the A sometimes. I try to focus on my kids though and what a blessing they are.


BS me: 32
FWH (recovering alcoholic): 33
Married 8 years, together 13 years.
3 kids: 5, 2, 1
Dday: 10/23/06
FWH PA: 9/06-10/06 right after DWI and during alcohol withdrawal/depression

Posts: 954 | Registered: Oct 2006
A woman lied to
Member
Member # 13020
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave birth on 8-22.

My dday was 12-18-06. I found out 2 days after dday that I was pregnant w/ our 2nd. We had been trying for a 2nd child - I thought things were going well since he NEVER told me anything was wrong and gave no signs.

Anyway, I've been very emotional. We were in MC for 8 months (last session was just a week before baby came). Our communication had been improving and talk of the A hardly ever happened.... but I guess it's the hormones. I've brought up the A many times in the last 12 days -- probably more than I had in 2 months. WH is being nice, but everything he says and does annoys me. I just am still in shock when I think about what he did. I look at my baby girl sometimes and just cry.

Nursing and her sleeping have been going well and I feel okay overall. My greatest fear was that I would resent my baby or that I wouldn't bond, but I do feel very close to her... it's Wh that I don't feel close to... I think about moving out. I think that he doesn't deserve our son or our daughter in his life... but he's been amazing. he took off 2 weeks from work and has done all the chores and taken care of our toddler son 24/7 while I am nursing and caring for our daughter. He gets up for EVERY feeding and sits w/ me and he has let me vent and cry. We did have a tiff the other night over something stupid... could've been b/c of lack of sleep. Anyway, I know this post is just a mess, but I wanted to say that I'm scared that NOW that my daughter is HERE, I can't stay w/ WH even though he's saying and doing everything right... somehow I hoped that our daughter would bring us closer together. After our son was born, I felt SO CLOSE to my husband.... it was incredible. I don't feel taht way this time and it's very very sad.

[This message edited by A woman lied to at 6:41 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 40
1st OW: High school f-buddy, 39
2nd OW: Married, coworker, 46
3 year old son
dday: 12-18-06
found out I was pregnant 12-20-06
Baby Girl born on 8/07
Went thru false R, MC
2nd A started around 10/07
Divorce filed

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: nebraska
rjrjmom
New Member
Member # 16071
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I found out 1 month ago that my hubby of 6 yrs. is/was? sleeping with his assistant. I am 6-months pregnant with our 4th child. I'm having a hard time coping with hormones and normal hurt feelings. He doesn't know whether he wants her or me right now. He did say he would stick around until after the baby comes. Just wanted to talk to someone who can relate. I don't want to tell my family and I don't have any close friends to talk to.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Sep 2007
mz_deelyte
♀ New Member
Member # 15644
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, September 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rjrjmom,

welcome sorry u're here. I'm 8 months preg and I feel alone as well. my fiance and I have been together for a long time so I can't tell our families about everything while everyones so excited about the baby but I really wanna dump him. I think he is callin women from our house phone and one even showed up at our door. so I can understand how u feel. the only thing that helps me is really thinkin bout my baby and comin here multiple times a day to "talk with others" feel free to PM me.

[This message edited by mz_deelyte at 10:53 PM, September 9th (Sunday)]


Smiling faces tell lies....

Posts: 33 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I know I haven't posted here in a while. H and I are pretty much R'ed, however, we still haven't completely healed from his A's. I realize is going to take at least a year to fully heal from this. The problem we're really going through is that he can't get over how I got pregnant so soon after having our daughter. I know it takes 2 to make a baby but the thing is, he told me to take the pill and I was so confident that the depo shot wouldn't wear off since I was still under the effect for 5 months. It wore off and that's how I ended uo being pregnant with my twins. The pattern that led to his cheating also had to do with me withdrawing emotionally because he wouldn't stop jumping on me. My FIL is also really upset because he's helping H financially. He warned us not to allow this to happen and he can't let go either. Me being pregnant with twins was just the icing on the cake. Make no mistake about it, he loves his grandchildren, he just thinks we were irresponsible. In retrospect, my H and my FIL had a right to be upset, I just wish H would finally let it go, since I have already acknowledged that fact. Last night H and I had a long talk. We had to be honest with ourselves. When our daughter was born, it was wonderful, however, we both regret not giving each other enough time to bond as newly weds. I was very immature at the time and I thought having a baby would increase the joy in our marriage. It brought joy but it weakened the marriage as well. With just our daughter, things were actually pretty good, sometimes even better than when we were newly weds, but when I was pregnant again, that just drove a wrench on our plans and things really went downhill. Mind you, the pattern that led to him cheating began 3 months before I was pregnant again and that just sped it up! After that, our relationship was thrown into the backburner for a while. Thankfully, H has taken responsibility for his actions and he's still working on solving his sex addiction. We're reading this book called "Every Heart Restored". It's written for couples, especially those that are dealing with sex addictions. It's very eye opening. Our issues with the kids are due to the fact that we're both very tired because the twins are still not sleeping through the night. Hopefully things will get better by then...


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momofthree- Glad to hear that you are doing ok. I was wondering how you were!


Now food for thought for all us mothers. Will you tell your infants, when they are older, what happened between you and your spouse? My son will be too young to remember all of the times that I have cried histerically and how much the affair has hurt both my H and I. So, if it turns out that H is not the father of the oc, I am wondering if we should still tell our son when he gets older. If H is the father of oc, then we will definately have to explain things to both kids because they won't understand why they have one dad but two moms.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are fathers allowed to answer too? LOL

Momof3, I hear you about the little ones not sleeping through the night yet. Little DS was born 7/21/07 and LAST NIGHT was the first time he slept through the night. That also meant it was the first night since he was born that he didn't sleep in our bed at all! Once he would wake up, hungry and/or wet and discover he was in his bassinet, the party was OVER - he was unwilling to go back into that bassinet for anything, had to be snuggled close to one of us (usually me) before he'd sleep again.

Our older boy was 21 months when D-Day 1 hit. He knew something was bad wrong. Actually, he knew during my FWW's A that something was really wrong with Mommy, as she no longer had any time for him. It was always, "Go find Daddy" and "Go play with Daddy." After all, she couldn't interrupt her busy online life cyberscrewing her creepy internet OM. She spent so much time text-sexing him on the phone (1775 texts between them over 3 weeks) that whenever she picked up that damned phone, DS would HIT her! LOL. She switched back to her old phone after D-Day 2 (when I found out about the cybertexts), and he quit hitting her. Amazing.

He was very upset by the aftermath of our assorted D-Days. If he ever has some fleeting memories of this time and asks me what was going on, I will tell him. FWW doesn't want me to, but it's part of his history now too (she didn't HAVE to have her f'ing affair in the first place, now did she?). I also want him to understand how horrible infidelity is, how it ruins people, marriages, and families. Don't want HIM to be an OM someday, and sure as hell want to help him avoid having a WW in the future, if I can at all.

Little DS was born in between D-Days. So his birth and bringing him home from the hospital are forever tinged with sadness and misery for me; I became very suicidal after D-Day 3, which occured 2 days after he came home. I hate that her lies and ass-covering has even tainted my experience of the birth of my beloved second son.

I want to protect them both from WW in future, and to really teach them to be men with honor, never WHs. If it means telling them our story, so be it. FWW won't like it, but it's her fault this is part of our family history now, so too bad. If she hadn't screwed around, there'd be nothing to tell.

My opinion is that truth is always better than lies. If there is ONE thing I've learned from being a BH, it's that the lies always hurt more, lies are always a betrayal. I will never do that to my kids. They deserve the truth. When you try to lie and cover things up, it just gets worse.

So if they ask, I'll tell. Perhaps some dynamics of our M and our family will fall into place for them (such as why Daddy checks Mommy's cell phone bill all the time)!


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, September 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol sorry about that! I didn't mean to gear my question just towards mothers lol. You make a very good point about the A being apart of family history. I think kids do deserve the truth. If we don't teach them then who will?


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
msbrokenheart
♀ Member
Member # 16134
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my WH's affair 25 days ago. I am due to give birth to our second child any day now. The affair has been with 1 person throughout most of our 5 year marriage. And the OW was kind enough to forward a drunken message from my WH to her saying that he didn't want the baby-that it was a mistake. He swears that was a lie he told her. That hurts most of all as I had a miscarriage in 2006. I asked him to leave when I found out maybe that was a mistake, I don't know.
I sense no remorse on his part. Don't know where we stand. I'm terrified of being a single mom and don't know how I will manage! I am in IC and trying to cope.
There are days when I am very strong and then there are days like today when the sadness and the fear overwhelm me!
Thanks for listening, everybody!


Me:36
WH:33
Together:12 years
Married: 5 years
2 children
D-Day: 9/2/07
Divorced: 4/2/09

Posts: 110 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NJ
Newborn@home
♀ Member
Member # 16383
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 weeks ago I found out my WH was having an "EA" with a coworker "just friend." It appears to have lasted for most if not all of my pregnancy. They told each they loved each other and kissed (he denies the kisses but she wrote about their first kiss, so hello....)but swear they never took it to the next level and were being "just friends" since my birth. Crazy bitch used to call all the time, text, ect. and then bought my baby so much stuff over the past few months, she wanted to be my friend. Offerred to watch my baby while WH & I use her pool and relax. I do beleive they didn't fuck but my husband became verbally abusive during my pregnancy, especially when I would fight with him about their friendship. That's the worse part. He was a nightmare to live with and be around. A stranger really. Yelled & carried on all of the time. And though it's not what I see when I look at her now, it's what I think about when I reflect upon those long 9 months and the 2 that followed "Til I found out. Why would he pick this time to do this? After all we went through to get/stay pregnant and finally have this baby.

[This message edited by Newborn@home at 8:07 PM, October 10th (Wednesday)]


Me(36) Him(WH,42) D 3 yrs
Together 12yrs,married 5
S 6/1/2009, F for D 9/4/09
Ex & OW going on 4 yrs now
1st Dday 9/18/09- when baby was 19 weeks old

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York City
Blindside
♀ Member
Member # 13938
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 22nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our DS is 9, and I was pretty much over the idea of starting all over with another baby. I had wanted to give him a sibling, but my H ws always too concerned about the financial aspect of it. I gave up on that dream a few years ago. At this point, I liked that our life/M was becoming a little bit more "ours" again now that DS is more independent. H and I were having fun, getting closer than ever and finally doing many of the things that we'd always said "Someday we should...."

Then if found out H cheated. We were working it out over the summer, or so I thought, when my WH said he wanted a baby. I had my reservations, but we were in a better place at that point, or so I thought. I waited years earlier for him to want me to mother another child for him, and it never came. When it came now, the WORDS coming from him were like a gift for me, and I decided I'd give us the chance to have another baby. We tried for a couple of months, but nothing.

D-day #2 came on Sept 12, 2007. Same MOW, a co-worker. He was having a EA/PA with her WHILE asking me to have a baby! I was so freaked out. And, as was the case the last time, we did the whole "Hysterical Bonding" thing. I wasn't thinking clearly...didn't even consider babies, etc.

Turns out, we conceived the weekend after I discovered his A, part 2....something like 4 days after I caught him.

I have been unable to experience any joy about being pregnant. This baby was a result of something that was going on as a result of WHs A! Every time I think of this baby, I think of the A. I think of H and MOW when I think of this baby, not H and *me*. It's almost as though I am carrying *her* child. I barely eat, haven't seen a Dr yet (I'm probably about 5 weeks along now), and I haven't stopped taking Xanax (without it I'm in sheer terror) and Wellbutrin. I guess I'm just in denial, and don't want to have this baby under these circumstances....not like this. I know I need to get my head out of my ass, and soon. I am just hoping to find some kind of encouraging ANYTHING to help me get up and start life like this (I've been hiding in bed for weeks since I found out about baby). WH is over the moon about this baby and seems very remorseful for the A. He's in IC and on AD meds. He's doing lots to prove to me that he's on the right path this time. But there's no escaping the recovery process and the pregnancy is just complicating it! And if it turns out that H goes back to MOW again (at this point, I can't trust what he says or does), I'll HAVE to divorce . As a ten-year SAHM, how the hell will I be able to support my son and I WITH a newborn?

Has anyone else here gotten pregnant SO soon after a D-day? Has anyone else here ever felt this way about their pregnancy? I feel so guilty, but have to wonder if I'll ever be okay with this pregnancy or this baby. It seems so unfair to bring a child into this world like this.

[This message edited by Blindside at 10:35 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]


~Married Sept 27, 97
~D-Day #1, March 9, 07: WH EA w/ co-worker.
~D-Day #2, September 12, 07: Discovered EA/PA back on, that the 1st was actually EA/PA, and that we were in False R.
~R? .

Posts: 224 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Key West, FL
MarieD
♀ Member
Member # 14450
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, November 9th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone else here gotten pregnant SO soon after a D-day? Has anyone else here ever felt this way about their pregnancy? I feel so guilty, but have to wonder if I'll ever be okay with this pregnancy or this baby. It seems so unfair to bring a child into this world like this.

I'm 8 months pg with my second child.

BOTH of my children were conceived as a result of WH's A's.

I didn't confront WH about the previous A (won't go into all the reasons or what I did about it) but our relationship started "working" again shortly afterward and I finally got pg.

This baby is a direct, known result of the A. He was conceived during the HB stage after I confronted him. He's the reason WH was able to finally push OW away for good.

I was able to put aside my older son's connection to the A pretty easily...this one I'm not so sure. I know he'll be a beautiful blessing and I'll love him with everything I have. That said, I haven't had the excitement or joy over this pregnancy that I had over the other one.

It's definitely not easy, but those beautiful children DO help...


Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2007
Newborn@home
♀ Member
Member # 16383
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, November 9th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mods???

I think this I Can Relate Forum is great but it gets hard to reply, track, and just keep up with others in the forum. Is it possible to have bi-weekly or weekly updates that allow people in each individual I Can Relate area to keep in better touch? It's just so hard to offer support when you cannot get through all of the posts. No way I can fish through all the responses for one inetended for me or that applies to a question or something I may have. Anyway, just a suggestion.


Me(36) Him(WH,42) D 3 yrs
Together 12yrs,married 5
S 6/1/2009, F for D 9/4/09
Ex & OW going on 4 yrs now
1st Dday 9/18/09- when baby was 19 weeks old

Posts: 330 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York City
kacs
♀ New Member
Member # 17078
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, November 18th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never done this before. My first baby is due in 9 weeks. My husband confessed to a long term, long distance affair less than one month after I found out I was pregnant after being told two months before that I'd have a problem getting and staying pregnant. He left the following day, came back, stayed for two months, now is living in an apartment. We were married a little over a year. The affair began when we engaged. I did not know.

I want him to come home. Yes, I am probably better without him. However, that doesn't make being alone better.

My family is extremely supportive, but I am so lonely.

My husband says he's not sure he wants the baby and not sure of what involvement he can give when he/she arrives. I don't even know how to handle that.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2007
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to everyone, mothers and fathers, on this thread. On d-day my DD was only 5 months old. I had to go through the trauma of the affair, abandonment and divorce all in her first year of life. It sucks..but gets better every day.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Devastated))) back at ya!

(((Kacs))) I have a 3 month old daughter; and he asked me to lveave when I was 7 mo's pregnant. the affairS had been going on for months...and we hadn't been married long, so I COMPLETELY understand. The truth is, that although it's lonely...sometimes no company is better than bad company. Also, if your WH is toxic, or a liar, his presence might hurt your child more than his absence. But please vent, talk to me, lean on me. I'm here for you. PM if you'd like. Please eat well, take your vitamins, sleep, and try to walk as much as possible. You are so important and what you are doing (in incubating ) is taking so much energy ON TOP of what you've got going that you really need to treat yourself with kid gloves. Please take care and know I"m thinking of you.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

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