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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
alone_in_georgia
♀ Member
Member # 19428
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just discovered his affair a few weeks ago. It apparently started when my second baby was three weeks old and went until two weeks ago. The "baby" turned two in March. I look at pictures now, and except for the ones taken in the hospital, all I can think about is how every one of them was taken while he was cheating on me. Those pictures of a happy family are all a lie.

In January, I got pregnant with my third child, as we had been planning together for years. He started obviously pulling away from me emotionally then, and the last four months have been hell. Not only was I practically bed-ridden with the morning sickness, but I was miserable because I could feel my husband leaving me. He tells me now that me being pregnant made him realize that he had to face the future and make a decision. When I discovered the affair a few weeks, he made the choice to stay with me and devote himself to our marriage and our family. Right now, though, all I can think is that this wonderful baby wasn't conceived in love; it was conceived by a guilty father who didn't want his wife to find out that he was cheating on her so he went ahead with the pregnancy plan so she wouldn't suspect. Add in a healthy dose of pregnancy hormones and this betrayal has been hard to face.

I do want to say, though, that I love this new baby just like I love its brothers. For now, I'm just considering the baby to be all mine. Maybe one day my husband and I can reconcile enough that I can admit emotionally that the baby is his, too. One day.

The hardest part is trying to take care of myself. I've lost 12 pounds in two weeks, I can barely bring myself to physically take care of my boys let alone get some exercise, and my sleeping is horrible - some nights I get none and others I can't seem to wake up.

[This message edited by alone_in_georgia at 8:07 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Me BW 40
Him FWH 45
DS9, DS7, DD4
D-Day: 4-30-08; 2 yr LTA
In R

If you sometimes treat your wife like a mistress, you'll have a happy marriage.
If you sometimes treat your mistress like a wife, soon you won't have a mistress.


Posts: 1714 | Registered: May 2008
nola
♀ Member
Member # 18729
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knowe I'm not pregnant but I desperatly want another child, I just feel like I would be crazy to do so.I already have a son and he's 5 years old and begging for a sibling. I am so torn and my H doesn't seem to care either way so it's kind "my deal". I just wouldn't want to adopt a dog much less bring a human life into a potentially failing M. We are reconciling but it just seems all too common to see D-Day #2's years later. I feel bad enough dragging my precious baby boy into this, much less a new baby. I've just always wanted 2 or 3 children.


BS (me)-30 WH-30 OW-former friend of 20 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: In pursuit of happiness
alone_in_georgia
♀ Member
Member # 19428
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nola,

I say go for what you want. Like me, just consider a new baby YOURS alone. Children loves siblings, and you clearly want another child. Your children will have each other to lean on, and you will have them. Don't let your husband's affair cheat you and you son of the life you want to have!

(((hugs)))


Me BW 40
Him FWH 45
DS9, DS7, DD4
D-Day: 4-30-08; 2 yr LTA
In R

If you sometimes treat your wife like a mistress, you'll have a happy marriage.
If you sometimes treat your mistress like a wife, soon you won't have a mistress.


Posts: 1714 | Registered: May 2008
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any advice/support for me? Here's my situation: my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, and finally succeeded, we found out I was pregnant 6/07. I had my baby girl in March of 08, and 3 weeks later found some suspicious emails from a girl my husband worked with. After a month of lies and me snooping around, he finally admitted to me that he'd been having an affair with her since before I got pregnant- started as a ONS, turned to a PA, then to an EA. I am completely devastated, because I don't understand how he could have begun an affair when we were trying to get pregnant. I also don't understand how he could have continued it once we found out about our baby. He claims the PA ended in December, but I feel that every part of my pregnancy was a lie, including the birth of our daughter. He was still emailing her after our daughter was born, and only stopped because I told him he had to end contact with her because I had a bad feeling about her (this was before I found out about the affair, I thought they were just friends.) Will I ever look back on my pregnancy and not look at it as one big lie? I hate that I have a 10 week old and I'm spending my time being miserable about the A rather than being happy about my family and enjoying my daughter's infancy. I hate my husband for making me feel this way.


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
alone_in_georgia
♀ Member
Member # 19428
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMama,

My situation isn't quite the same, but it's not that far off either. My husband started his EA a week or so before my second son was born. It turned into a PA when the baby was about 3 weeks old. It continued until 2 weeks ago. While having his affair, he went ahead with our long term plan and I got pregnant with #3. I look at pictures now of my 2 year old and realize that in everyone of them, except the first couple taken at the hospital, he was cheating on me. I think about this new baby and realize it was conceived out of duty rather than love, as I had thought. I'm bitter about both.

I don't know that I can offer any advice other than this - clearly, your beautiful little girl is YOURS and not his. Focus on that. He just provided some of the genetic material. If you someday reconcile and he proves himself to you, then you can share her with him. Until then, just accept that she's wonderful and has nothing to do with him or his adultery.


Me BW 40
Him FWH 45
DS9, DS7, DD4
D-Day: 4-30-08; 2 yr LTA
In R

If you sometimes treat your wife like a mistress, you'll have a happy marriage.
If you sometimes treat your mistress like a wife, soon you won't have a mistress.


Posts: 1714 | Registered: May 2008
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, May 19th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks alone_in_georgia.
It's nice to know there is someone out there who understands.


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, June 8th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I sit here and read all of these stories and they are so familiar to me all that I can do is cry for everyone of us. My story is similar. My significant other left me the week before mothers day..I was 16 weeks pregnant. Currently Im almost 20 weeks. Anyways, I suspected him of having an EA with a woman at work but as everyone knows she was just a friend. All the signs were there but he wouldn't discuss it. Just got mad all the time and blamed me for all his insecurities. At the time I am posting this he says he hates me and doesn't care about our baby. This is one of the hardest times I think I have ever gone through. He had told me how excited he was we were having a child together and that he would be there through all of it. I tried to talk to him numerous times about things but he tells me to leave.

I like alot of the ladies here feel like the joy of my pregnancy has been robbed. I'm scared that I will look at my baby and feel all the hurt, anger, and betrayal that has taken place. I wonder if I will love her enough?

I have so many raw emotions Im not sure where to start...kinda like the story, where to start is really hard. There are so many things to say but to get them down is hard because I can't seem to carry a complete thought long enough. I can say though that I do think my SO is still in what you call the fog.....I just hope he wakes up from it soon.

[This message edited by alonemom at 9:29 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
alone_in_georgia
♀ Member
Member # 19428
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alonemom,

It sounds like we are right about at the same stage in pregnancy; I'm just about 22 weeks. I'm so sorry that your SO left. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can offer are some virtual hugs and to let you know that you aren't alone!

(((hugs)))


Me BW 40
Him FWH 45
DS9, DS7, DD4
D-Day: 4-30-08; 2 yr LTA
In R

If you sometimes treat your wife like a mistress, you'll have a happy marriage.
If you sometimes treat your mistress like a wife, soon you won't have a mistress.


Posts: 1714 | Registered: May 2008
hurtinTX
♀ Member
Member # 2185
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like alot of the ladies here feel like the joy of my pregnancy has been robbed. I'm scared that I will look at my baby and feel all the hurt, anger, and betrayal that has taken place. I wonder if I will love her enough?

I used to wonder the same thing. I'm an old member of the pregnant and left and cheated on club. I can tell you that I felt so much guilt after I had my beautiful boy. I felt terrible I had chosen such a shitty father for him etc. Then I was able to separate it out. My son had NOTHING to do with his father's choices nor did he deserve for me to love him less. I loved him so much from day one and I separated out that he is his own person. In fact, I tell people he was the last good thing about my XH and perhaps he took all that was once good about my XH in him. My XH is NOTHING to me and I have moved on and love my kids so much. I had 2 more after my son with my post divorce new love and finally got an unrobbed pregnancy. I never let my XH's infidelity and shitty treatment of me effect what I felt for my son. I still get upset but mostly because my poor son has to deal with visitation and I have to fight for every childsupport and medical support time. My XH can't hurt me anymore though. I just do what I have to do now. You will have love for your sweet baby.... s/he is part you!


Me BW:24 (me 5 mos Pregnant)
WXH:24 D-day July 20th 2003
OW#1 33, MOW#2 43
WH filed for divorce Sept 2003
Had DS Oct 2003
Divorce Aug 30, 2004
Met SO. DD born Jan 5, 2007 w/SO!
DS born May 28, 2008 w/SO!
Married SO Nov 5, 2008!!! HAPPY!

Posts: 1927 | Registered: Sep 2003 | From: Texas
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support and hugs.....I'm making it one day at a time.


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a question...I was talking with my mom last night about baby and "the wanderer" and I said that I feel so sad that he is missing out on so much...ie. ultrasounds, baby movements, delivery of baby...why do I feel sad for him? Every time I feel my baby move I think of the hurt he caused. Then the tears come again! I'm dumbfounded by the way I feel and think half of the time. Was another woman really worth your child?

[This message edited by alonemom at 6:12 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alonemom-
I think you feel sad for him because you loved him enough to want to create a child with him, and that means you loved him a lot! You probably still have some feelings of love, although you probably don't want to. When I found out about my FWH's A my DD was 3 weeks old. (A started while we were trying to conceive and lasted til after I gave birth to DD, although he swears the PA ended before I gave birth) All I could think of was "why would he have created a baby with me when he was fooling around with someone else?" I felt that our DD was conceived out of duty for him (thanks alone_in_georgia for that wording!). But I know she was conceived out of love from me, and that's the most important thing. No matter what, your child will know you loved him/her from day 1. Try to think of your love when the hurt comes, put your focus on your child, the one who deserves it. It isn't easy, and you certainly will grieve for your SO, especially on the exciting days like ultrasounds and such. But remember, your SO chose not to be there, so don't feel sad *for* him. You can feel sad for *you* that he's not there and for your child, but it's his choice. He doesn't deserve your sympathy right now.

And to answer your question, no, another woman is not worth his child, and maybe he will realize this someday. I was lucky, because my FWH did come to this realization after DD was born, which is what snapped him out of the fog. But he did not feel a connection to our child until she was born, which sounds horrible but it's true. Once he saw what he truly had to lose, he wanted to keep it more than anything. He knows he still might lose it, although I am trying to R. It just stinks that he couldn't see what he had until it was too late.
Best of luck to you, and just take it one day at a time.


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
mustlovedogs
♀ Member
Member # 14216
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son was 2 1/2 months old when the affair offically started, it lasted until he was 9 months old. He is now 2. We have been in R for about a year and a month now.

If I can help anyone please PM anytime.


BS: Me 30
FWS: Him 29
D-Day: January 2007
Happy in R.
One Son: 3 Years old
One Daughter: Seven month old!!

Posts: 766 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: NJ
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NewMama08,

Thanks for the reply....It makes a lot of sense. My mom did say some of the same but I think I only half heard her. I have an ultrasound tomorrow with the probability of having the amniocentesis done also tomorrow. I'm trying to prepare myself for the emotional mess I'm sure that I will be, but, I don't think you can really be prepared.

I'm really happy to hear that your FWH came to his senses! Good luck to you and your family during the R. I still have the hope that my SO will one day be able to see through clear eyes once again.


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
breakingheart
Member
Member # 19909
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the latest info I found is the last straw. Our first just turned one. I have been seeing clues for a long time....but he denied...and I believed him. He is a different person with his friends...and no one sees him as the cheating type.

I want to fix things. Our son deserves for us to try at least once. How can you try to fix something when HE wont admit a damn thing?


Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2008
afrikanqueenb
♀ New Member
Member # 9851
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what would u do if u asked WS if hes gonna be there for the birth of his child and he said this

im sorry its been a min since u heard from me but its been hard and i been going throught somethings and when i get a chance i will call u and im glad that u still thought 2 let me know whats going on but i know i cant say anything 2 u right now b/c its not u its me and what i want 2 do about this point im in and my son with u and my kids with my other Bm's but i will call u and im sorry 4 not being there like i said i would till the next time (pet name) .

I dont need judgements passed because u live and u learn the sad thing is there is now a child involved. Yes he has outside children and left me for OW who has his first child

4 years together
32 weeks pregnant with my first child
and hes with OW

[This message edited by afrikanqueenb at 8:36 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 28 | Registered: Feb 2006
kdis
Member
Member # 19828
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to fix things. Our son deserves for us to try at least once. How can you try to fix something when HE wont admit a damn thing?

My conclusion from my experience is you can't fix things unless your WS comes clean. My WH will never come clean so I've filed for divorce. I found proof of the EA last month and I suspect a PA as well. I have learned through the support of my family, friends, and this board that my kids and I deserve better. The only way I would stop the divorce is if my WH was remorseful, honest, and transparent and he refuses to be any of those things and life is far too short to wait around for him to wake up. Think about it, do you want to live feeling like you can't trust your WS for the rest of your life? Think of all the pain and sufferring you will have to endure. It's not worth it. I have two kids and one on the way and I have no doubt I will find someone better. I know you will too!

Take care.


Posts: 523 | Registered: Jun 2008
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

africanqueen,
I often wonder what I would say if he wants to be there for the birth of his daughter...Im due November 1st. He left May 8. How did you handle the situation so far? I'm so sorry you are going through this, I know the emotional roller coaster all too well. I believe you need to think of you and how you would feel if he is there. Would it help you or hurt you more? Do you have someone else who could be with you? I don't post much but found lots of good advice just reading here. Hang in there and take good care of yourself!


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
kdis
Member
Member # 19828
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who are pregnant or had your babies do you plan or did you have your WS at the birth of your baby? As of right now I do not plan to allow my WH into the delivery room I feel he does not deserve to be there at such an intimate time of my life since he has disrespected me.

Posts: 523 | Registered: Jun 2008
badlyhurting
♀ Member
Member # 18915
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is very sad.
I just wanted us all to remember to hug our kids or our bellies.....
Those hormones in pregnancy/post partum can be tough.
badly hurting - how are you doing?

I got very bad and tried to commit suicide. I am so ashamed...as my children need me so much. I was just in so much pain.

Now all is up in the air again, as my WS says my actions were selfish and he has the right to leave the marriage now. I came out of the hospital ready to R...


Me - 37 BW
Him - 50 WX/Sperm Donor
5 beautiful children
Dday 10/29/07 - day after my birthday, 23 days before birth of #5
Too Many False Rs; D final Feb. 09.

Posts: 2472 | Registered: Mar 2008
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