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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
mom2beof2
♀ Member
Member # 19851
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and I are in R and we're having baby tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the post partum as I have not gone through the anger of dealing with all of this.


BS/FWW~27
FWH~30
DDay ~ Feb 4 2008

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: canada
princessbride
♀ Member
Member # 19972
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mom2beof2)))

Have you talked to your OB about this? I am 31 weeks now and I was able to go on antidepressants.


Almost done!

Posts: 468 | Registered: Jun 2008
mom2beof2
♀ Member
Member # 19851
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I have not talked to OB about it. My boy is now a little over a week old. The first couple of days I didn't think about the A. I was a little hurt that FWH didn't come in the operating room with me (he decided last minute he couldn't do it..made him queezy), and that he barely came to visit me in the hospital. Now I'm home and things are ok but still not what I want it to be. I find myself a little jealous of my children as FWH gives them so much love, attention, affection and I feel as though I get nothing. Makes me wonder how he interacted with OW...I'm too afraid to ask him.


BS/FWW~27
FWH~30
DDay ~ Feb 4 2008

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: canada
shominy
♀ Member
Member # 20472
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope its ok that I post here as a WW. I had an EA/PA 3 years ago, and just finally came clean with BH about the PA part of it. We've spent the last 3 years getting to a place we had never been before in our marriage, and things were great. I fully regret not telling him the extent of it, but there's been NC for quite some time, I have been and continue to be transparent. Earlier this year we decided to start a family (before dday). I'm now over 3 months pregnant and 2 weeks out from D-Day. He asked me and I confessed. I am so scared that he's going to resent this baby, or change his mind about wanting it. We had our first ultrasound the other day and he didn't even seem excited. I am just so scared that I've broken this forever and we are not going to be the amazing family we wanted to. Not really sure what I'm looking for here, I'm just scared.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jul 2008
Prayin4Daylight
♀ Member
Member # 15710
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never posted here but read shominy's post and it struck a cord. My DD was 8 weeks old on Dday. It was devastating and there were a few moments that I felt cheated and that I had my beautiful DD " without the facts". We had waited for years to start a family and I felt so stupid and alone and scared that I would resent my own child .....I can remember looking at her and thinking , " what have I done ?" ....But my love for her outweighed all else. I did have some mild depression, I think as a result of being post-partum and finding out about the A. But I did get through it.

My H and I are reconciled and almost 2 years out from Dday...Its a long story but my point in posting here is just to give some hope and good vibes for those going through this now.I understand it all too well.
Hugs to all of you.....


Prayin

Elected Voting Vixen


Posts: 8444 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Upstate New York
mary0808
♀ Member
Member # 20512
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,
I decided to post here after being in the JFO forum for awhile.

Basically my husband started having an EA when I was pregnant with #2. He complains that I didn't have enough sex with him during that time. The EA continued without my knowledge throughout my daughter's first year. I was home struggling with a colicky baby and a toddler and I was totally focused on them and my husband just continued with the EA. The EA became a physical affair about 8 months after my daughter was born.
Three months after that, my husband sort of admitted to it. (Trickle truth). Now he is confused and wants to go to MC to decide how to proceed.
He blames me and the marriage.
I use the pregnancy as an excuse. I do.
I wasn't feeling intimate that much, but I certainly never expected this to happen. Maybe I'm dumb and foolish.
I just thought I could always count on my husband through thick and thin. We were in a tough year and he abandoned me during my time of need.
That's how I see it.

Anyways, now I have 2 little ones and he has a love interest at work.

Thoughts?


Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mary:
I wasn't feeling intimate that much, but I certainly never expected this to happen. Maybe I'm dumb and foolish.

You absolutely were NOT dumb and foolish. You were a normal, trusting wife, who was experiencing crazy hormones from a medical condition! While I was pregnant, I did not feel intimate at all. I felt sick, and uncomfortable, and unattractive, and intimacy was the last thing from my mind. Now, WH claims that was part of the reason for his PA, although it started while we were trying to get pregnant (he says that sex was boring and work instead of fun). It drives me crazy that my WH won't acknowledge that pregnancy is a medical condition which messes with the way you feel, yet he's quick to say that his medical condition of depression is what made him have an A.
It's one of the toughest parts for me- I should have been able to trust that my H would be faithful to me when he wanted to start a family... being cheated on while pregnant sucks!

[This message edited by NewMama08 at 10:20 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
br0kenhearted
♀ Member
Member # 20469
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My baby was born 4 months ago and it was the happiest day of my life. Until d-day, when I learned that the OW was my best friend, who attended the birth and helped me bring my daughter into the world. It was also hard to know that my WH had been having his A with her during my first pregnancy (which I lost) and during her second pregnancy (which I HOPE she loses).

I've asked him repeatedly how the birth of our daughter, who is an amazing person, did not change his life enough to change his behavior, but even more important, HOW COULD HE HAVE LET THE OW ATTEND THE BIRTH????


Me 34 yr old BS
Him 33 yr old FWH/SA
DD 10 months
D-Day #1: 2/11/01
D-Day #2: 6/19/08; full disclosure 7/14/08
6 OW over 17 years; twice with same woman
In IC and MC and working hard every day on R!

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2008
cj27081
♀ New Member
Member # 19304
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by cj27081 at 4:47 AM, December 6th (Saturday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2008
mary0808
♀ Member
Member # 20512
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New Mama--
Thanks for support. I've been doing a lot of reading and talking with friends and it seems that a complete lack of interest in sex while pregnant and nursing is totally normal.

My husband made me feel so bad about it, which made it even harder to address the issue.

I just thought it was understood that that was a natural consequence and reaction. Plus, add in a colicky baby and that decreases libido even more.

We already had a baby and had been through this before and he didn't cheat on me then.

Why now?

It just doesn't make sense. Why couldn't he work with me and help me during the pregnancy while I was having morning sickness and sciatica? Why couldn't he wait for me? Things were getting better. Why did he stray when the going got tough?

Even if we reconcile it makes me very scared for two reasons:
1. We can never have more children, can we? I wasn't prepared to have that option stripped from me. How on earth would my husband ever deal with another? It's impossible and that is very hard for me to accept.

2. What if I ever get sick? Seriously sick, like cancer or something and I can't be intimate with him. Like Elizabeth Edwards. Then what? Will he cheat on me then too? These are major problems that we need to address in counseling.

I'm just scared all around.


Me- BS (32)
Him- WH (32)
D-Day: 8/2/08
Trickle Truth #1: 8/4/08
Trickle Truth #2: 8/20/08
8/30/08: Relapse back to OW
9/14/08: NC
10/15/08: Trickle truth #4 (but still NC)
Status: Reconciling

Married: 5 years
2 Dau


Posts: 303 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Lovebug
♀ New Member
Member # 20649
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cj27081


I haven't been through the exact same situation as you.. but have lost a baby before. I didn't find out he had cheated on me until 3 days after I had to have a DNC (the baby wouldn't come out after I miscarried).

I wanted a baby for two years until I finally had one - with another man (WH). I can tell you this... looking back (this was 7 years ago I miscarried) it was a blessing in disguise.

You wont know the reasons why you miscarried and that is going to urk you for a very long time. You're going to ask yourself "why me?" over and over again. It will get easier with time I can promise you that.

But please for your sake and your unborn child's sake don't get preganant with his baby just "to have a baby". Here I am with WH and two babies, and this is A#2. I should have listened to myself when I didn't have two kids and it was A#1.

I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a baby with that man that I'd have to share. O gosh... ever hear that saying "things happen for a reason?" Well, I truly believe in that... and the answers we want now that aren't there will be later with "time" I call it the "T" word like it's a bad word.

Hugs to you girl...


Posts: 10 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: CA
tulip
New Member
Member # 20705
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad I found this topic.

My WH had a ONS when I was 7 months pregnant while he was on an overseas business trip.

I found out 5 weeks post partum. I am so upset, angry and depressed about it. I should be here enjoying my newborn and instead I'm sitting here in dispair over a ONS, waiting for results of STD tests.

WH swears he used a condom but his word means nothing to me at the moment. What scares me the most is that if he has transmitted anything to me it would be transmitted to my baby through breast milk.

I hate that this has become my life.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2008
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What scares me the most is that if he has transmitted anything to me it would be transmitted to my baby through breast milk.

I was scared of this too, and so angry at WH for it. His A started before I got pregnant, and since I had STD testing done at the beginning of my pregnancy, he just figured I was fine. He swears he used protection every time, but the fact that he put his then-unborn daughter at risk makes me sick. I found out about the A when she was 8 weeks old, and luckily the STD tests all came back negative. I know how scary it is though, and I think if he had passed anything on to either me or DD then R would not have been a possibility.


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
NewMama08
♀ Member
Member # 19532
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mary0808-
Even if we reconcile it makes me very scared for two reasons:
1. We can never have more children, can we? I wasn't prepared to have that option stripped from me. How on earth would my husband ever deal with another? It's impossible and that is very hard for me to accept.

2. What if I ever get sick? Seriously sick, like cancer or something and I can't be intimate with him. Like Elizabeth Edwards. Then what? Will he cheat on me then too? These are major problems that we need to address in counseling.

I totally know what you mean. I worry about this stuff too. This was our 1st baby, and I am scared if I ever get pregnant again he will have another A, which angers me since I want more kids. I have even mentioned this to him, and he swears it won't happen, but how can he guarantee that?
However, I think that with counseling and the proper amount of work, the issues behind the A will be dealt with, lessening the chances of another A. I mean, sex is not usually the main reason for an A, the underlying issues are! So with a lot of work and counseling, hopefully these feelings will subside.


FBW (Me)-30
FWH- 29 (WorstChoicesEver)
2 1/2-year old daughter
D-day- April 27, 2008
Working on R

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NY
grimesgirl
♀ Member
Member # 20857
Suspicious  Posted: 2:58 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out my WH had PA/EA on 8/20/08. I am 5 months pregnant with our 2nd child. He met the OW in Las Vegas (he was there for a bachelor party...big mistake) the same week we had the positive pregnancy test. Although the baby was not planned we had talked about having more kids. The 1st time they had sex, he said the condom broke. He got tested for STDs when he got home and when they decided to meet 1.5 months later for a weekend he didn't even bother to use a condom because she said she hadn't been with anyone else. I'm so mad that he would put his unborn child and I at risk on the word of a 23 year old trampy whore.

I still have not gotten over the anger stage. But he has NC with the OW and he is very remorseful and understands that his actions were selfish. I'm trying to R with him but I can't get it out of my mind. I lost 8 pounds since I found out and during the 1st week I only got 2-3 hours of sleep at night. I know that is not good for me or the baby so I'm trying to do better.


Me: 30
FWH: 31
2 Kids: 5 years & 2 year
Day: 8/20/08, Full Truth: 8/22/08
Married 4 years, Working to R
"Forgiveness is love in its most noble form"

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2008
Something
♀ New Member
Member # 21095
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out that my WH had sex with OW on 7/21/08. He says it only happened once... I was 6 months along at the time and it nearly destroyed me. We were each other's firsts in everything and I never thought something like this could happen. We've been together for 9 years, married for 2, so I thought I knew him. I thought we were of the same mind. Cheating never crossed my mind. Divorce, yes. Things weren't going so great for a while. But, never infidelity.

The OW is a coworker of his. She was in a relationship with his previous partner and had been dumped because of talk and rumors in the workplace. She turned to my WH for insight and I guess one thing led to another and whatever... She's a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if she's done it with every guy she works with. She knew he had a kid at home and another one on the way. Why would a woman do that to another woman?

Anyway, we're working on getting past it. My WH and I are trying to R. Things seem to be going well on the surface, but he's still lying to me and hiding the truth. I don't feel like I can trust him. It seems like I am the one doing all the research on how we can work on us. He thinks that by going back to the way things were, it will get better. Hello! How do you think we got where we are right now?!? The baby's due in another 4 weeks and we're still up in the air sort of. He speaks of remorse, but I don't really see any evidence of it. He doesn't really show any emotion whatsoever and he's not very affectionate. He never really was and I wonder now if I want to settle for that. I do love him, but I'm realizing that there are things that are missing from our lives. And, I want those things. But, I also want a loving father for my little girls (inside baby and outside baby, lol) and he's a good man aside from this period of stupidity. I'm not justifying his actions and if he does it again I'm leaving, but not before I make his life a living hell, but I really do want to make this work and it sucks that he doesn't really seem to want it. I don't know if it's that he feels he doesn't deserve a second chance or if he just doesn't care. He doesn't want to go to counseling and he balks when I want to talk or ask questions. I know it's only been 2.5 months and these things take time, but I just feel like I'm in this alone when it should be me and him...I hate this.


GOD thinks I can handle this...

Me-BS-30
Him-WH-33-UnspecialK728-ID=24264
Together since 1/22/00
Married-1/3/07
2 kids
DD-1/11/07 DD-11/4/08
D-Day-7/21/08
Trying to R-Don't want to anymore...


Posts: 42 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NYC
kezabian
♀ Member
Member # 21138
Concerned  Posted: 8:48 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 6 months pregnant and found out a week ago that my huband had an affair.
I feel like the baby has never been acknowledge by my husband. He was not having an affair when I fell pregnant, but when I told him he was more concerned about money that anything else, and though he said he was happy I got the feeling he was just saying that.
When I went for my 20 week scan he was seeing the OW and the thought of that kills me. I am guilty myself of denying the baby in a way. Since I found out I have been smoking a lot and that is causing a lot of guilt.
She didn't know he was married, he told her we had seperated and she was stunned when I spoke to her and she realised I was pregnant. In a way that helps as it takes away the need for me to feel bitterness towards her. he lied to her too and if anything I feel sorry for her.
We are making a go of it, he is trying in a way he never has in the entire time we have been together - he is picking our daughter up from school off his own back right now and that never would have happened. It does hurt though that whenever I think my 2nd pregnancy it is going to be fact that my H had an A that is foremost in my mind, that is going to be hard to get over. Sorry to all who find themselves in this position.


Me - BS 33.
Him - FWH 30.
Married 4 years together for 7.
D-Day 28/09/08.
One child age 5 - Chloe.
Baby due Jan 09.

Posts: 204 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Wolverhampton UK
WillBeBetterOff
♀ Member
Member # 19033
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also pregnant - now 28 weeks - and my WH has moved in with the OW. The whole story is in my profile if you're interested. I honestly believe that going through an affair is one of the most difficult things a human will ever have to endure. Top it off by being pregnant, it's borderline unbearable. Lots of pregnancy hormones, fears that won't seem to go away, guilt, pre-partum depression (yes, this is a real thing) and the post-partum depression to look forward to.

My OB prescribed me phenergan - I take it at night and it knocks me out for a good 6 solid hours (I wasn't sleeping much, if any). In addition, I keep down my breakfast. My OB says that daily use of the Rx will not harm the baby in any way.

I have an appointment set up with a psychiatrist to discuss post-partum depression, and what I can do to prevent this. I want to be as proactive as possible.

I am trying to make the best decisions that i possibly can for my precious baby girl, and to do everything that I can so that I can look back and say "I handled myself with such dignity and grace during that difficult time - good for me." That being said, I have had my moments of weakness - have had hateful thoughts towards my baby, have actually smoked a couple of cigarettes (which I also severly regretted), and have just been generally selfish. Thankfully, these moments only seem to last an hour or two, I can snap out of them and I'm back on track updating my baby registry or decorating her nursery.

Everyone says that the pain gets better - you won't hurt quite so badly one day. I'm not there yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they're not lying.

I know that God doesn't make mistakes. This is happening this way for a reason - my baby girl is coming into my life and she will be a blessing.

Good luck to all of the other expectant mommies out there - we will (apparently) get through this one way or another.


Me - XBW, 30
Him - XWH, 30

Together for 8 years, Married for 5, Divorced for 1.

XWH & OW married 4 days after divorce, has affair baby.

D-Day 1 - 3-3-08
False R - 5-25-08
D-Day 2 - 9-5-08
DD born on 12-22-08
Divorce on 4-15-09


Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Dallas, TX
joannah30
♀ New Member
Member # 21206
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out when I was 3 months pregnant. He was having the affair while we were trying to get pregnant. I am so angry at myslef for feeling so numb inside about this baby. This is our 4th and final child. We have 3 boys so we were hoping for a girl. I find out next week but I am not as excited as I should be. Not only did he taint everything abiut our life but my last pregnancy and I hate him for that. I honestly don't know if I can make this work and ever get passed this whole thing. It is eating me alive inside and I don't know how to come out of this okay. I too am worried about post partum depression because I feel so depressed now. I hope to see light at the end of the tunnel at some point!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2008
worstiming
♀ New Member
Member # 21288
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, October 16th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out that my husband has had a serious texting/phone (possibly more, No proof though) relationship with a woman he worked with during the last trimester of my first baby and during his first 5 months of life. I was shattered. I was already postpartum and overweight due to the pregnancy and I feel like he kicked me when I was down. When i discovered the THOUSANDS of texts he made up lies and I only still know what I have been able to uncover. I now have a 7 month old baby who loves his dad and I am struggling to get through the days. I love my husband but, I cannot be his doormat anymore. I want everything to be normal but, my self esteem is in the toilet and sometimes he rejects me when I try to be sexual with him. I realize I am painting him as a horrible guy but he is trying to make things good again. He attends therapy and we are going next week to see a counselor together. I guess my question is...If someone truely loves you how could they cheat on you when you are pregnant and then lie about it? Is he just staying with me for the baby? Can a marriage ever overcome this?


DDAY-July 2008
ME-28
H-28
Baby: 8 months

"Life is what happens when you are busy making plans!"


Posts: 11 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NY
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