I always thought that a man cheating on his pregnant wife was the lowest low thing any man could do.
Now that I know that my WH is one of those men, it's like my brain can't accept it. I have them compartmentalized, they couldn't possibly be the same person.
Wow, I just realized I said "them" I have "them" compartmentalized.
I'm 1.5 years out from D day & wonder when I'm going to finally hit the floor, feels like I"ve been falling forever.
I too feel the "tainted" feeling regarding my baby (now almost 2). It's the worst thing about all of this.
We too ttc for a very long time, I wanted this baby sooooo badly. I wanted to share that experience with him so much.
My other 2 pregnancies weren't "great" either. I thought now that I had this wonderful amazing guy, my last pregnancy could be my best. But he stole that from me.
How do we get over the tainted pregnancy/baby feeling?
I am almost 30 weeks preggo and my WH has moved out about 3 weeks ago--I made him because he couldn't "decide" between me and her so I told him it was a decision. We aren't doing anything legal at this point or talking about D.
Pretty much, he is with her every day (he has left 80% of his stuff here at the house) and is trying to help out at the house about once I week. I am doin my best to 180 and not be here when he comes. I do need to see him for our hospital tour and birthing classes. If only I had a crystal ball...what will happen????
It does something to you...being cheated on when you are most vulnerable and most committed to someone--we tried for almost a year to get pregnant. He even had the gall to insinuate that was my fault.
He's f*cked up. Sometimes the sadness and misery of it gets me down. We're in MC, but we have a really long way to go. I want a family and more children, but you know how it feels once it happens once...will it happen again?
But have you been through MC? IC? They say it can take 2-5 years to recover from this...
I have a question--did you go through Post Partum D? And if so, do you think the A made it worse? I am worried about that....I am taking 50 mg of zoloft but who knows if that is enough.
I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I have not confronted him on it yet. I know that I would not have been able to handle it as I have suffered PPD after each of my kids; I feel like I have barely been able to keep hanging on as it is.
I feel like he ruined my time with my newborn; instead of being able to focus on my new baby and bonding with him, I was thinking about him and OW, stressing about what was going on. It's not fair and I am still really, really angry with him about that.
Now that babe is 7 months I am ready to confront. I am planning on talking to him this weekend, but am a bit unsure as my sister will be in town. But the next weekend is my birthday and it is always something, isn't it? Wish me luck!
I had no clue about the A on DDay #1 but started having doubts about R a couple of weeks before DDay #2. I just wasn't ready to confront until I was brave enough to learn what I would find. Does that make sense? Also, I wanted proof because he kept denying, and minimizing my feelings when I told him that something wasn't right and when I asked him q's about no contact with her...
So I am telling you this because I think you will know when you are ready to confront. I also suggest you have an idea as to what you want from him specifically. To cut off contact, change email, phone number, what?
By the way...Dday #2 was 2 days before my b-day but when you're ready to face combat, you're ready.
Keep us posted! I am sooo sorry you have to go through this!
People keep telling me to focus on my baby and not think about WH. Easier said than done...especially when my baby boy will have 50% his genes, and we created him out of love, and I never imagined being a "single" mother and we will have to share this child for the rest of our lives.
I'm sorry you missed out on the newborn bonding.How can people be this cruel to cheat and hurt the ones they love? I am sure you are making up for the bonding now.
Are you and your WH trying to R? Is he living with you?
Anyway, that is likely what is holding me back. Imagining all the what-ifs and "if he does/says this, then. . ." Sigh.
So are you planning on having him at the birth or not? And have you considered a doula at all? One owuld really help support you during labor/birth.
Gotta go, WH is coming out here!
T26~ I'm so sorry you had trouble bonding and breastfeeding due to the stress of the A. NOT your fault! I had a hard time after the birth, not bonding with my bundle, but did feel robbed of that sweet babymoon I didn't get. I was too worried about WH and didn't get to fully enjoy the newborn stage. I am still very angry with him about that; it is time I will never get back and this is likely my last child.
Well, I really do need to go now. I will be back after the long weekend unless I'm able to sneak on here at some point while WH is home. ((((hugs)))) to all here.
Why do you have to give up being a SAHM if you separate? Won't he still be required to pay for both households? How likely is it that he will want to leave his family for OW?
However, making WH move out is not the only option here.
You could read the 180 and do what it says while still living with him. You could request MC with him and talk about things there. You could start to meet his emotional needs (see marriagebuilders.com for free questionnaires and info about this).
Now, in my case for DDay #1, my WH almost immediately chose to me and to end contact with her. He swore it was an EA at the time. I didn't learn about the PA aspect until I inspected our Visa bill a couple of months later but never told him that I knew.
My requests for DDAY #1 was to stop emailing, calling, going to lunch, buying her coffee drinks, get rid of anything she ever gave him, delete songs from his ipod that he got from her, change his work schedule, go to MC with me. He agreed to do all of that but it only lasted a week (I didn't know until Dday #2, all I knew was he wasn't "coming around" and it seemed suspicious since once they end contact, the feelings for the OP are supposed to fade)
Do you have adequate proof that it is an EA? text messages? phone records? emails?
Good luck and please try to enjoy your weekend with your sister! (((wonder woman))))
It's funny. I once had a very pregnant client (I work in a spa as an esthetician). She was telling me about her husband cheating on her at the time. I couldn't believe he would have the gall to do that to her at that time. I said I don't think my husband could ever do that to me. She said that he most definitely could. I was rather put off by her comment, but she was right. He most definitely did cheat on me and my pregnancy did not stop him.
We are expecting our second daughter next month and I just found out that he strayed back to the OW...again. He tried his best to hide it from me so as not to hurt me. But, my intuition is too strong and I had to look into it and confront him. I can't stand being suspicious and not knowing the truth. Sure enough, despite telling me how much he loves me and how he's thrilled to have children together, his actions speak louder than words. I said that if he strayed again, we would be over. I meant it. Now, I'm awaiting this child and figuring out the whole separation/divorce thing as we go along. I hate that he put me in this situation, but know I will emerge stronger from it someday.
All of your comments about not feeling connected to your babies ring so true. I've been too busy dealing with the more stressful aspects in my life. I hate that I haven't been able to concentrate on this beautiful little girl growing inside me. I hope that this stressful pregnancy doesn't harm her too much. I hope I can bond with her as I want and not be too overwhelmed with the split between me and her daddy.
I never saw myself as a single mom, but here I go! Sigh... Yep, I'm scared. But, I know this is the right decision and life will improve with time.
I'm scared of being overwhelmed and alone at night, too. We'll get through it though. Also, like you, I never wanted my kids to have parents under different roofs. Both my H & I had divorced parents as well.
However, its better to have separate, happy parents than miserable parents forcing themselves to stay in the same house. Another thing that is extremely important is to remain friendly with your ex. Most people don't do this and its understandable. I'm not you and I don't know if this is something that can work for you or not. But, my parents remained friends the whole time after their divorce. They loved each other but didn't work well as a couple. My dad forgave my mom's infidelity and moved on with his life, while seeing my sister and I as much as possible. Plus, they never badmouthed each other...ever! That was so important! I'm extremely grateful that my parents handled it so well and I plan to do the same.
My husbands parents, on the other hand, were down right nasty. They put their kids in the middle of their squabbles and never had a kind word for the other. This affected my husband greatly, for the worse. It's devastating. His parents are finally friendly again, only after we granted them their first grand kid. It's amazing how healing a baby can be! Anyway, I hope you can at least remain civil with your ex, for your kid's sake. It makes a HUGE difference!
I hope this helps a bit. We'll get through this!
My parents had a nasty divorce and put the kids in the middle so I am determined not to do that. I am staying friendly with my H for the sake of our child, even while he is still in his affair.
I will be ready for divorce if having our child does not wake him up out of the fog. Until then, I am hoping and waiting....
so as you know my ex asked me on a date last wednesday. and we had a great week together. it was alot of fun, and helped lift my spirits a bit. but yesterday i began thinking. i've gotten some good advice on here and think i need to follow it. my X has finally admitted to having a problem and possibly being depressed. his first C appt is friday. he said he'll show me proof he went, cause he knows his word is still sh!t, actions are what i want.
yesterday he went to meet with the company renting out his house. and was there for 5 hours! (they've done nothing but screw him from day one. but he didn't read the contract in full, so alot of it they can do. he's not so bright, thinks he is though. see what i'm working with?) anyways, the owner had cancelled the appt, without calling him, then someone else took and hour to show up and talk with him, but they couldn't find his file, exc exc. this has happened a few times. i went once, and decided i wouldn't go back with him again. couldn't deal with the stupidity. he's talked to a lawyer and the company has 30 days to get their act together before he takes them to court. so he was a little stressed. i told him relax and don't think about it. we didn't see each other yesterday because of that and that gave me time to think.
this man is severaly broken and damaged. and though he's at the beginning of recovering there will be slip ups. ups and downs and a horrible emotional roller coaster. he has more issues than i can imagine and has a horrible way of coping with them. and breaking through to them..... his family and life has all been about image. just a perfect lie of an image of who you are. so getting past that exterior to the person underneath i think will be his biggest challenge. and unfortunately i think his family and friends will hinder his progress. but hopefully he will overcome it. he's been transparent, and as open about everything as i've wanted. but even with him giving me all this, i don't get onto his accts, check his phone, exc. just because i'm not in a mindset of R, so therefore i don't care.
i refuse to consider R for 11 months, by then my hormones from the pregnancy should be back to normal, and if thats what i want to do at that time i will, if not well i'll continue like i am today. i've told my X that i no longer want to hang out like we were. i don't want to give him the wrong impression. such as
1) we are going to R and he's got 11 months to prove he's doing work (that's not the case at all)
2) that i'm gonna be his crutch through this whole experience.
He's got to make these changes for himself. at this point i'm single and staying that way. more important things to do then date. now if he does work on himself and do all the things he's been saying and have started doing and i decide (no sooner than 11 months) that i'm willing to R then i will. if he chooses within his course of self discovery that he doesn't want me, thats fine with me too.
but i've decided no longer hanging out like we did last week, don't wana send mixed signals, or get in a bad position myself. i'm glad he's taken the first step, and just hope he continues for his own sake. he wants to stay a support system for me during the pregnancy at the very least.... we'll see.
good decision? or am i losing my mind??? i can't tell anymore
[This message edited by butifuldisaster at 4:02 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]