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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
survivor78
♀ Member
Member # 23703
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, June 19th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to admit that as much as I love my daughter, I still sometimes wish she wasn't born, so I could get on with my life, and I could leave my FWH...

So sad, but I understand exactly. Hugs to all of you. Someone is worried about bonding...I think you will find that over time your baby will be what keeps you going, not what makes you sad. It gets better.

(((HUGS)))


In the process of D.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Kentucky/Ohio
sohurt&tired
♀ Member
Member # 22239
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted back in 01/09 and just thought i would update. I had the baby- a healthy 6lb 15 oz little girl on 06/12/09. She was 3 weeks early, but is doing great. I worried so much that something would be wrong with her because of all the stress of dealing with WH's affair, but thank God she's perfectly healthy.

WH did not cheat while I was pregnant. I found out about the affair in 07/08 and got pregnant in 10/08. It was definitely not planned as we were just starting to R.

Now that the baby is here, I am having a really tough time. WH thinks thingsg are just fine and refuses to even acknowledge the affair. He thinks that since it has been almost a year, I should just drop it. So, I cannot even talk to him about it. I know part of the problem is my raging hormones, but it is worsened by the fact that the 1 year anniversary of D-day is coming up in 2 weeks. I'm not sure how to deal with all this. I love my baby more than anything, even though it took me a while to come to terms with the pregnancy. All I do is cry all the time.

The delivery was really sad. It was nothing like when my other 2 children were born. WH was so involved with those deliveries. He was supportive and reassuring and comforting, and this time it was like I was by myself. After we got to the hospital around midnight, he went right to sleep while I was in agonizing pain. While I was crying and having terrible contractions, he was snoring. When it was time to push, he just stood back and made faces like he was watching some horror movie. He never did that before. He did not hold my hand and give me any words of encouragement. I felt so alone. When it was over, he did not kiss me or tell me he loved me like he did when our other kids were born. He even went home to go back to bed shortly after and only spent a few hours over the next 2 days at the hospital with me. I cry every time I think about it. I don't think he was cheating (his OW has now moved on and is getting married and has moved away). It's just that I don't think there's anything left between us. I am not sure if I love him anymore. I just wish I had someone to really truly love who really loves me. I have never felt this alone in my life.

I guess I just need to focus on my new baby right now. I am so lucky to have her and my other 2 girls and I need to focus on them and myself. I just wish I knew what to do about my marriage. I am so afraid that we'll just stay like this for years because of the kids and then I'll wake up one day and realize I've wasted so much time.

Ok- I'm just rambling. Just needed to vent a little.


BS-Me:33
WS-Him:39
M 13 years, together 16
Kids: 3 girls- 12 & 3 and 3 months
D-Day: July 8, 2008
LTA: 11/07-07/08
OW: Trailer Trash Skank with 3 kids
Trying to R

Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2008
Hopeful09
♀ New Member
Member # 24248
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sohurt&tired:

My heart goes out to you. What a heartbreaking delivery story. I just want to smack your husband! Arg! I'm glad you have this place to vent. You,well all of us, are going through a lot. I hope things get better for you soon. I know the hormones don't help. I'm scared of how I will be after my baby comes while dealing with my H leaving. Well, I hope your H comes around. If not, splitting may be better for all of you. It's a hard decision. But, raising kids in a depressing environment will be harder, I would think. I don't know- I'm not in quite the same situation as you. Anyway, congrats on your new baby! I'm so glad she turned out so healthy. That gives me hope for my own! Hang in there & keep us posted. :)


Me- BW (31)
Him- WH (32)
M- 11 years
Dday 7-12-08 (tried to reconcile),
then again 5-28-09 (time to end it)
Kids- D is 2, another D due 7-20-09

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2009
butifuldisaster
♀ Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 27th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sohurt&tired

congrats on your baby! i'm so sorry your H wasn't as supportive as he should be. especially with her being early, but yes, maybe he has emotionally checked out of the relationship. i'm a year as of yesterday past my 3rd dday, the biggest one. and me and my X (it's complicated, he wants to R, i'm hormonal and have no idea what are really my thoughts. so i just left it at we're not together until the hormones take a chill pill.) still talk about it. probably because for the whole first year of our relationship was false Rs more As exc exc. and it was like the minute he heard the babys heart beat he became a different man (let's hope it sticks this time, and so far it's the longest change ever!)

my one fear though is that i will go through the delivery alone (familys wouldn't be the same as having him there.) and being as for the first 4.5 months of my pregnancy he wanted to be involved with the baby, but not me.

i would focus on the new baby for right now. i was told your hormones are crazy until about 6months after you have the baby. that may be a better time to make a decision.


again congrats!!!!!! and i hope everytihng works out


nothing is ever truly impossible

Posts: 635 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Arizona
mommy22
♀ New Member
Member # 25962
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just found out about H 2nd affair. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and have a 1 year old. I don't know how to do this again. last A was only 3 years ago. I was just finally getting over that and moving forward. I can't believe he did this to me again after everything we've been through and that he's ruining the joy of my pregnancy. We haven't even told anyone we're pregnant. Now I have to tell everyone that I'm pregnant and may be getting divorced. Anyone out there who can relate?? Help I'm devastated, numb and just soooo SAD.


Me-BS
DS- 4ys
DD- 1yr

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2009
mommyblonde
♀ Member
Member # 22548
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, October 28th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy,

I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard and that you will find lots of great support here.

This is an awful thing that he has done. But I think you should make sure to take care of yourself first and that might mean asking for a separation. You need to eliminate as much stress as possible and having him around might make you crazy.

My WH also cheated on me when I was pregnant but the A did not start until I was about 35 weeks along. I don't know what I wouldve done if I had to go through the whole pregnancy while dealing with this.

Hugs


"When a heart breaks no it don't breakeven" The Script

Posts: 513 | Registered: Jan 2009
RiotGrrrl
♀ Member
Member # 9046
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, November 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy22,

I found out about my XH's affair when I was 8 months pg with my second child. My older DS was only 2. I had also just found out (thanks to the pregnancy) that I had lupus and kidney disease.

It was really hard to get my son here but so worth it. My boys are my pride and joy. XH left when the baby was 2 weeks old, moved in with the AP and I filed for divorce when my youngest was not quite 3 months old.

I can DEFINITELY relate.

How are you feeling? Update us please

(((hugs)))

RG


Me: BS (38)
Him: WS (39)
Married: Six years, D Day 11/8/05
Divorce final: Nov 06
Two gorgeous sons: 10 and 8

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: KY
LiveYourTruth
♀ New Member
Member # 26270
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, November 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mommy22,

I can definitely relate. I was 20 weeks when I found out about my husbands affairs. Turns out he started cheating while I was pregnant with my first daughter, and he had a baby with the OW. So pregnancy factors a lot into my story.

I think it takes a special kind of low to cheat on your wife while she is pregnant. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Numb pretty much describes how I am feeling as well. I don't know if you have the same experience, but most of the time I barely remember that I am pregnant. I am so focused on my dealing with my new reality that I almost can't bear factoring in a new baby on top of it. I'm having a good day if I can remember to take my pre-natal vitamin.

It is easier said than done, I know, but try to take care of yourself, Mommy22. You are not alone!


a man can fake you
take your soul and make you
never be yourself again.
-Sinead O'Connor, "No man's woman"

Posts: 9 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Postpartum Pain
♀ Member
Member # 26524
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

I'm so horrified that I would need to post in a support thread like this.

I just caught my H in an EA that started (so he says) when I was 8.5 months pregnant. I turned to a PA when my beautiful daughter was 2 weeks old. I'm so destroyed by this. He was never supposed to do this. We tried for 6 months to get pregnant with this baby- with him being the one who pushed it. We have two other son's and were absolutely elated that we "finally got our girl". It was my hardest pregnancy to date and I know that it added a lot of stress to our relationship, but I always thought it was just a phase. Just a bump we were going through. Certainly nothing worse than what we had been through together already.

It wasn't like he didn't get any while I was pregnant- I had an incredibly high sex drive- up until that last month and a half when the pain became unbearable. I had pubic symphsis dysfunction which essentially means that it constantly felt like someone had jabbed a hot knife through the front of my pelvis- not really great during sex.

He complained that he did not get enough of the daily hugs and kisses/touches and caresses. As a sexual abuse survivor, given the type of abuse I suffered, those little expressions of physical love are the hardest for me. They always have been. He knew that 9 years ago when he entered into this relationship with me. Still, I thought I was giving enough. I thought I was making up for it in other ways (like gift giving and random texts simply saying "I love you").

I know nothing I did justifies his choice to have the A. It just hurts to think back on everything I did for him. Everything I went through for him. I delivered our daughter naturally even though she presented complex (her hand up by her face as she crowned). I was so proud.

We had a birth photographer there who captured what I thought were moments of the love and commitment that we shared. I look at those images now and have to know that he had emailed and texted her right in front of me in that hospital room. The bond, the specialness that I thought I wanted to remember forever is now a haunting reminder of the pain he has put me through.

I'm so angry that he chose some dirty skank over his daughter's perfect two week old face. I'm so hurt for her that she will know that when she is old enough.

He started traveling in excess after she was born. Always saying it was "unavoidable" and making me feel guilty for the resentment that I felt toward him, because "he was doing this for us". On the day before Thanksgiving, he said he had some things he wanted to talk about and he told me that he was unhappy in our marriage and thought we should separate. He told me that he thought I had too many unresolved issues with my childhood abuse issues and that they were hindering our relationship. He requested that I seek therapy immediately and that we would go to MC. In his email (that he did not send to me until he was home to discuss it) he had a section at the end of "things he wanted to make perfectly clear". Number one was that he didn't want a divorce. Number two was that THERE WAS NO ONE ELSE.

He had just slept with her two days before and I have emails from him saying that he loved her a week after that.

I'm still in shock. I have a ton of support from friends and family (including his) but it's empty because I don't open myself up to accept comfort or help from many people. But I did to him and in a time of crisis like this, all I want is for him to comfort me. But I'm so angry and hurt and betrayed that I can't even have him touch me.


BW-28(me) WH-33(him)
3 amazing children- 11yoDS, 6yoDS, 2yoDD
Together 12Y; Married 7Y
DDay#1- 12/10/09- 3 month EA/PA with our banker.
DDay#2 1/4/10- earlier 3 month EA OW#2
R'ing

Posts: 171 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: State of Confusion
stupidstupidme
♀ Member
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been here a while, and now have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old little boy.

I was about 4 months preg. when the EA began, 6 months when he first slept with her (I think), 7 months when he moved out, and 9 mos. when I caught him at her house.

I'm so sorry for you all going through this. It is so horrible to deal with this while pregnant, or just given birth.

My XWBF took so much from me - my pregnancy joy, birth, and first several months of my son's life.

Just know - it DOES get better; it will! I am now married to a different, wonderful man whom I love and trust 100%. My X, and what he did to me - are just a distant memory.

He is still trying to destroy my life (custody), but I don't let him. Refuse to let him. I will NEVER forget what he did to me - but it no longer effects my life. He isn't worth it.

Hang in there! Everything will end up ok in the end...


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19682 | Registered: Aug 2006
CarolinaRain
♀ New Member
Member # 26692
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I KNOW it's not my fault, but it's hard to feel like I couldnt have done more. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis graviridum (extreme morning sickness that occurs in 1% of pregnant women. lucky me, i know) when I was 8 weeks pregnant. EVERYTHING made me start throwing up. even physical contact from my husband that was meant to be soothing. anytime he touched my shoulder, tried to give me a foot rub, cupped my face, etc... Id start throwing up on contact. needless to say that put a damper on our relationship. even after multiple hospital visits and stays he's been super supportive. even though I never went into that 'overactive libido' stage like many women do. to be honest, the idea of sex does NOTHING for me. it didn't matter, he didnt love me or our babygirl any less. then, while pulling an all-nighter this past Thanksgiving, he goes and gets drunk and has a one-night stand with a random woman. WHAT?! Even though he came home and fessed up everything while sobbing uncontrollably about what a horrible person he is, how sorry he is, and how much better I deserve. He constantly tells me it wasnt my fault, and that it's totally on him. That he doesnt understand how I can still love him cause he cant even look himself in the mirror because he's so disgusted with himself... Part of me wonders "If only I had been more attuned to his needs, would it have happened? If I had tried harder to show my love for him despite this apathy Im feeling due to being pregnant? I think it's normal to think these things...right?


*Stay strong*
*Be brave*

~After every valley there is a mountain top.~

~There is sunshine after the rain. There will be blue skies a comin' your way.~


Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
jdptx
♀ Member
Member # 26395
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen so many BW who were pregnant during the A. It makes me so sad. My WH's EA/PA started when I was about 5 months pregnant (about a month after our 1 year anniversary) and ended the day before Thanksgiving (d-day).

Our DD is 8 mos old now. It hurts so bad that none of my memories for the past year and a half seem real.

Putting up the tree was excrutiating because all I could think was being pregnant and having so many expectations and hopes for the next Christmas.

It was a tough decision for me to have a baby. I raised my 15-year-old by myself. I wasn't sure I wanted to start over or take the risk of raising 2 children by myself.

I do not regret my DD, but wow, what a sucker punch! And to make matters more sickening, he even let her come to the hospital to meet me and hold our new daughter .

She's an employee of his and several had been there, but there was always something I didn't like about her. Maybe because she was screwing my H.

So many times during my pregnancy I felt so alone, unattractive, scared, etc. Now I know it's because he was giving her the attention/affection that was supposed to be mine.

It's such a terrible betrayal. (((hugs to all)))


BW - 32
WH - 37
D Day 11/25/09
Together 5 Married 2
Lord be with me, Trying to R
Beautiful Baby Girl with H
Amazing 15 year old boy

"Not every saint is a fool." - Poe


Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Texas
dyinginside26
♀ New Member
Member # 26382
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, December 20th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you find that once the pregnancy was over that you began to think or feel more clearly? I keep thinking that all of my confusion, depression, and inability to make a clear decision are due to the hormones. I keep telling myself that once I have the baby, things will become more clear to me and I will get the strength to leave him. Right now I know that I should not be putting up with his cake eating/fence sitting but just feel so overwhelmed and vulnerable.

I have never in my life let someone treat me this way and I know that it is wrong, I just can't stop crying long enough to do anything about it. All I feel is sadness and heartbreak, I keep waiting for the anger/indifference but it never comes.

[This message edited by dyinginside26 at 6:57 PM, December 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2009
ntgvngup218
♀ Member
Member # 26882
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, December 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that you have a thread for this!!! I was pregnant with our first child when my WH left me for another woman. I was 4 months along. He said the mixture of the pregnancy, and his PTSD from the military led to this. Now, I have a beautful 9 week old daughter, who he never sees. It is so hard being a first time mom with, who I thougth was the man of my dreams. I had dreamed about having his child for years, and this dream turned into a nightmare. I wouldnt give my angel up for anything in this world, but this is not how it was suppose to be. She wasnt suppose to be born into a broken home. He wasnt suppose to be sleeping with another woman, and ocming home to me and sleepign with my while I was pregnant. He was suppose to be there, be loving, and excited. He was suppose to register for me, and help me set up the crib, and her nursery. He didnt lift a finger for this baby. Even after she was born, he took me home from the hospital, after just having had a c section, dropped us off, adn disappeared for the weekend with his bitch. I came home on Thursday, and didnt see him till sunday.

But, my little girl, she is my strength. If it werent for her, I would be making a lot of bad choices. I have started smoking again, which sucks. I have to wash my hands, brush my teeth, and change my shirt everytime. But he stresses me out so much, that I just crave them now. I hate being in this situation.


"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming"

Posts: 696 | Registered: Dec 2009
emancipation999
♀ New Member
Member # 25442
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was about 20 weeks pregnant with my second child when I found out my now ex-husband was screwing one of his colleagues. It totally ruined the rest of my pregnancy. The whole thing felt tainted, and I felt guilty for bringing an innocent child into such a messed up situation. I filed for divorce while pregnant, although it wasn't finalized until after the baby came.
The good news is that as soon as I saw my new baby all the bad feelings went away. He wasn't tainted...he was perfect. Now, his father was still a lying cheating bastard, and I couldn't sign the divorce papers fast enough. But my son, he is my angel. When I wanted to collapse into a heap in the corner and just cry...I couldn't. Because I had this innocent little person depending on me. As exhausted and sleep deprived as I may be I thank God for my kids, because they make my life worth it.


Me: BS
married 6 years
D-day: 12/26/08
divorced: 9/9/09
kids: 4yrs and 9 months old

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2009
MelisssaZZZ
♀ Member
Member # 25953
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 4th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gosh - so many similar stories!!!

H was cheating before I got pregnant. We talked about pregnancy and he was ok to try for a baby.. i conceived. The A really progressed in the speed of light as i was not able to give him enough attention. he said he thought i did not care about our relationship because i went to bed at 9pm when pregnant :)...

he slept to that trash and me without condom.. I thank my lucky starts that my daughter is healthy ...

I found out about A 3 weeks after delivery..

we kind of try to R but i dont think it will work. simply because i dont think he is in R mode yet. My wonderful DD is 10 months old.

No regrets about having her - she is the most wonderful thing which has ever happened to me.

things are hard... but she gives me so much strenghts and happines..

good luck to you all and treasure your little ones :)


Me BS - 37
WH 39
1 child - 4yrs
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list
LTA (2 yrs) fully?? finished mid Aug 09
Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Posts: 1199 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: London, UK
trying2mend
♀ New Member
Member # 27211
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a 4 month old. My WH started the online a with OW when I was 9 months pregnant. He confessed the A when the baby was 6 weeks old. It has been really hard, but we are both trying to work it out. Some days are definately better than others. I just can't understand how he could do this to our D.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2010
Ketta
♀ Member
Member # 26744
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 16th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out I was pregnant in 1/09. WH began his affair in 5/09. I found out about A in 9/09. Our child was born 8/09. I am just having a hard time understanding how my WH could cheat on me while I was pregnant. How could he have unprotected sex, and go down on her while I was pregnant then come home and have sex with me


BS=Me (27)
WS=Him (25)
M 3 yrs, 2 kids
Multiple EA's
1 known PA??
D Day 9/13/09
Working on R, but still not sure.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: The South
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, January 24th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad there is a support group for this.
I'm 7 months pregnant with our first. We conceived 3 months after dday.
I'm worried about depression. I can function, I eat right, can concentrate at work, etc. but I'm worried about how my crying, sadness, overwhelming feelings, and hopelessness will affect the baby. Right now all I want to do is sweep everything under the rug (including his recent break in boundaries) until DD is born. I wonder if sweeping it all would worsen my depression.
I'm not committed to R but I don't want D right now either. Too much going on elsewhere in my life to have to worry about this crap (the As).
Any advice?


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
Tee T
♀ New Member
Member # 27403
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 30th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about two weeks ago that my H had an A. I am currently 7 months pregnant and trying to keep it together for the baby. We are going to see a MC hopefully it will help.


BS - ME 32
WS - Him 33
M - 5 years
Kids:4yr old and 7 month Pregnant
D Day 1/17/2010
Trying to R

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2010
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