[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:24 AM, January 7th (Saturday)]
Although I wish I had had more time to work on R before this happened, and I do experience some of the same feelings others have mentioned about how this baby keeps me from having the same choices I might otherwise have had, I don't feel strongly like the pregnancy is tainted.
It is a little bit, though. If the A had never happened, I think this time would be much happier.
That said, the biggest issue I've faced is wondering what people think about the pregnancy. For example, WH's mother suspected the A, but has never come right out and said it. When I got pregnant, she was very happy for us, but in the back of my mind, I wondered what she was thinking.
The OW actually did ask if I did it to "trap" him. I mean, really? Should I have to face such questions about getting pregnant by my own husband?
I'm now 36 weeks along. I found out about my husband's affair about two months ago and have been lurking here reading posts, but finally decided to share my own story.
These last two months have been such a roller coaster. I think I've cried everyday for two months straight. I still think about his affair on a daily basis and feel angry and depressed about it, but IC and MC have been helping. My husband has no NC with the OW and is now much more interested in the baby and in this pregnancy (which was planned and something we both wanted anyway).
How are you all doing? Any new parents care to share their experiences of delivery/post-partum while dealing with the stress of an affair?
I have had a hard time with being excited about this pregnancy with lurking fears that my fWH agreed to have this baby out of some feeling of guilt or fear that I might find out (we had discussed trying for #2 for a while, and we started trying 6 months after the A, but 4 months BEFORE I found out about it). He assures me that he wanted to have this baby for the right reasons, but it has been hard for me to believe him.
To complicate things, his affair resulted in an OC, and he found out about the OC in October- after I was pregnant and just before the OC was born. that child is a girl, and part of me hopes that I am carrying a boy just to differentiate my child, that was concieved on purpose and with love, from the OC (who will be just six months older than this baby). I know that if the baby I am carrying is a girl I will love her just as much, but in my weaker moments I want this clear distinction between my child and the OC.
I too am wondering how others have fared after the babies are born, I am hopeful, but also scared that my fWH and I will lose ground in the strides we have made to strengthen our marriage since Dday.
Hugs to all.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think it is only natural to view your pregnancy in the context of the affair and to wonder what his motives are/were. In your case, since the A was already over, maybe he did want to have this child with you to re-establish your relationship together and bind you closer.
It must have been devastating to find out about the OC. I have asked my WH if there is any chance that the OW could be pregnant, and he's said no. Still, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Have you been tested for STDs? Besides the normal round of testing they do in the first trimester, I asked for STD tests at my 7 month appointment to make sure there was no chance of transmitting something to my baby during delivery.
Sending you strength and hugs
I talked to my Dr. about this and did a lot of research online. I've never taken anti-depressants before, but I feel like they might help me to function better and be a stronger mom. My Dr. wrote me a prescription for the lowest dose of Zoloft, but I've decided to wait until after I deliver the baby just in case. I know they can take a month to feel a difference. From what I've read, the amount of medication that can be transmitted while nursing is really miniscule. Still, I don't want to cause my baby any irritation.
Anyone have experience with this?
Re antidepressants - I've talked about these with my doctor. There are some available that are safe with breastfeeding and your doctor will advise. We decided not to bother because the doctor felt that my mood was not out of proportion to the events, and would be unlikely to be lifted by medication.
[This message edited by uniquorn at 8:33 AM, February 18th (Saturday)]
In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.
All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.
I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.
I found out in september 2011 that I was pregnant with baby #2 for WS and I, we were both scared since I had just suffered a miscarriage a few months earlier in late july. When I was 20weeks pregnant I found out that my gut feelings were true and WS was having an affair with one of his managers.
How did I find out? I asked the OW what was going on between them. She told me that they had been dating for 2 months and he said I knew. When I told her that I had not known and that he was actually cheating on me with her she was apologetic and very open and honest with me about anything I wanted to know. He had failed to tell her that I was pregnant and that he had started his affair with her when I was only 12weeks pregnant. Of all the ways in the world he could possibly hurt me I never in a million years thought he would do this, especially while I was pregnant with HIS second child.
I ordered some baby stuff from the internet that I had been planning to get, worked on setting up the baby's room a little bit, and took some "third trimester" pictures (that was hard, I know I am supposed to get bigger while pregnant but the infidelity combined with the pregnancy body is taking a toll on my body image). My H and I have been talking more about the baby, some serious and some funny conversations, and overall, I am just feeling more optimistic than I have since D-Day. this baby is a mover and shaker, too, and feeling (and seeing) the kicks and pushes has helped me feel more of a bond.
Just wanted to share a positive post, I am sure there are MANY more ups and downs to come, but I wanted to share one of the "ups"
My WH says his A started in Sep 2011 - I was about 7 months pregnant. Cell records show they started communicating outside of work just a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant. And it wasn't a surprise pregnancy or anything - we had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months!
Seriously, what kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife?? It just disgusts me.
If someone wants to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them go. If someone doesn't want to be with you, there's nothing you can do to make them stay.
Late, but yes, you can take AD's while pregnant or nursing. Just get a psychiatrist and OB who can communicate.
My pg story is almost creepy. My WH met his AP LITERALLY between the time we conceived our third (surprise) baby and the time I actually found out I was pg. So I was pregnant with our daughter, he met OW, was pissed about the baby, consummated the affair shortly after the pregnancy was revealed.
The whole thing was pretty awful.
That baby has been the light in my life, truly.
I still would not change a thing because I have my daughter. For those of you still expecting- just wait. It's hard- but your baby is worth it. Good luck.
A few weeks ago, 7 weeks after the birth of our first child, I found out that my husband had been having an A with an old friend of mine. The HW forwarded me some nude photos of my husband that he had sent to her. Up until I recieved this email, I didn't have any clue at all that something was amiss. The A began last November and her emailed marked the end of the A. My husband and I have had issues in the past, he's depressive and self destructive, but things appeared to be looking up. Throughout my pregnancy, I felt great about my marriage and the family we were starting. Now I am crushed. My whole life feels like a lie. It took me a few weeks to recover from the baby blues, but I did have a few weeks where I got to enjoy my daughter and my new life as a mother, so I know how great being a mom can be. Now I feel too depressed to deal with the stresses of having a newborn. I'm overwhelmed by guilt on days when I can't muster the joy and energy needed to take good care of my daughter. My husband seems to geninely regret his actions and he is committed to R, but no number of "I love yous" or "I'm sorrys" seem to help. As anyone with a newborn knows, getting enough sleep is a real issue. Now, with all the anxiety I feel, it seems impossible. In a week I return to work and I worry that I'm going to screw up my job because I'm so anxious, depressed and exhausted. I have a large and loving family, but we have agreed not to tell them about his. They would never forgive my husband and I think they would discourage me from forgiving him. At this time, my MIL, SIL and his best friend are the only people who know about this. They want us to work it out, but I worry that it is out of concern for him and not because they think it's in my best interest. I feel lonely, isolated, lost, afraid, angry and depressed and I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. We started MC, but it's a slow process and I'm not a patient person. Any advice that people can offer with regard to where to begin my recovery and our R would be greatly appreciated. Also, how do you find the time and energy to be an new parent, to take care of yourself and to work on R?