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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sodown...I know what you mean!

But, you also KNOW what YOUR NOSE & gut are telling you...so please be very careful & don't get any STD's.

I saw that everything on WH's desktop were PW protected!
I saw his files with big yellow LOCKS...I called him over to see them & explain.
He looked at the monitor & said, "Oh, I don't KNOW how they got there...I didn't do it."
Very calm, very cool.
Too cool!
I knew I had to kick him OUT!

So, I did...but not before I downloaded a good key logger!

See, he has these "private" virtual directories online -- not within the HD. Nothing is in the computer!


I understand from several techs that "virtual directories" online are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND!

TCAC~ Unfortunately, a lot of states are No Fault so that takes care of these suits.
We just need to begin teaching our daughters to write this into a m agreement!

If you cheat or do XYZ, you will forfeit your half of our marital assets as well as pay damages of XYZ to ME.

I believe some high power movie stars have done this as CA is a no Fault state...like Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas. If he doesn't keep it in his pants zippered up, she gets it all!
Bravo, Catherine!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
schmuzX2
♀ Member
Member # 16491
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, November 5th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Add me to the list of SITD. I hate it here. My WH denies, lies, and says enough "I don't know's" to fill a book.

His excuses are so pathetic, that if it were another situation, I would crack up and laugh.

To the extra day built into the work trip with the whore, he said, "we were golfing."

To the cash paid for the hotel room, which he has NEVER done in 20 years of marriage, he said, "I had it on me."

To the missing condoms in his luggage after a week away, he said, "I don't know."

To the picture of the whore in his office and the absence of mine and the kids, he said, " You're a fucking asshole."

To the little love note I found in his briefcase, he said, "It's not my handwriting."

To the stained underwear I found after a business trip he took with the whore he said, "I don't know." Then a month later said, "do you think maybe I did that myself?"

After confronting him about the love note, he went in another room and grabbed his blackberry, I'm sure to let the whore know I found the note. When I saw him he said, "I'm setting the alarm."

To the never having sex with me, he said, "I think I might be having a problem sexually."

I could go on and on.......


LOSER!!!!


Me - BS 46
Him - WS 46



Posts: 111 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Virginia
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the never having sex with me, he said, "I think I might be having a problem sexually."

It's not just my poor dear husband???

But it gets better. The sexual problems lasted for very close to exactly the same 6+ months he was trading the so very innocent warm-fuzzy e-mails with ow3. Within a short time after ending the e-mails, he came home one morning like a stud stallion on viagara, and has had no problems whatsoever since that day.

And when I pointed this out to him, he actually had the gall to tell me "there's no difference!" So I guess I'm crazy. Either I imagined going to bed alone every night for months on end, or I'm now so desperate I'm imagining this re-newed passion. Because he says there's no difference.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, November 6th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hearing, smelling, seeeing and feeling things that are not real everyday almost by his standards

Yep, here, too. I've also tasted things that aren't there. I've got all the senses covered.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally add me here. Thank God I am not the only person whose WH is trying to deny things. If I had evidence of an active, physical affair I would go to Cheaters or a PI. Have any of you tried that?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too. Know things happened but don't know who,when or what. Just can't figure out if I want to know or not. Think the truth might do me in.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
DiamondsR4ever
♀ Member
Member # 16908
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, November 11th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I'm here, too

My red flags:

-A woman left a message saying "I'm sorry for calling, but your not calling me. Why aren't you calling me? What's going on? Call me back, or I'll not call you again!" His excuse: Got his cell number from someone at work and he has never talked to her on the phone, that is why she said why aren't you calling me back

- He goes to the gas station or grocery store for anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours constantly. His excuse: ran into a friend and got to talking.

- Gets off of work at 3:00a.m., gets home at 5:00 a.m., every Thursday (his "Friday"), doesn't answer calls his excuse: I'm in the middle of important investigations

- Needs to lose weight all of a sudden his reasoning: I need to be healthy for you and the children After 13 years with the belly of a 9 month pregnant woman, you all of sudden have to lose weight?

- I'm insecure and crazy, said with such anger that I don't know where is comes from.

- Mood swings

- Potential ow's cell phone has been off with a generic message since I found message from her.

- Many other little day to day things that I can't come out and say are wrong or abnormal... just abnormal for him.

I posted this on another thread, before I found this one.

I am nervous that if something has happened or is happening and it has stopped or does stop... My gut won't stop because of all of the red flags... And I'll never find anything else out, because it's stopped so I'll forever have anxiety and IBS!!! aaarrrggghhh

A lot of people here say trust your gut. But I love my H. I don't want a divorce, so how do I push him or get answers when all I get is the old Eddie Murphy line "Wasn't Me".


"He who laughs last, didn't get it."

Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: The Edge of Insanity
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, November 12th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine still won't admit to anything. So, I have had to DIG for it.

I cannot, and WILL NOT "love" anyone who does THIS to ME.

I can change & Move On, but I cannot do this for WH.

Besides, he lacks basic character & has *ISSUES*.


I trust my gut, & I love my key logger -- even MORE!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
DiamondsR4ever
♀ Member
Member # 16908
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I "think" that I don't want to trust my gut, because i don't want it to be true... and to tell you the truth, I am loving all the love and attention I am getting from him right now... How pathetic am I? I used to be the "bitch"... the one NOT to f*ck with... Now I am silently gratful for friggin' crumbs AARRGGHH

Why do I think I need to see him "in the act", before I "get it"??????


"He who laughs last, didn't get it."

Posts: 91 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: The Edge of Insanity
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, November 13th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think we all have varying levels of tolerance.

I have never been known for my "patience".

We all are just trying to hold our heads above water & not drown in abject cruelty.

Because keeping us "in the dark", is not just cowardly, it is sheer TORTURE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Evil  Posted: 9:31 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha -

I just saw on his cell phone that he called potential OW again. I am going to wait until next month's phone bill comes out to say anything. Or maybe I will just quietly gather evidence until I am pissed/hurt/numb/mobile enough to move out. I don't care if they are just friends or not at this point, he knows I am uncomfortable and so should not be talking to her!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I just post a random cry of pain? Still in the dark, and there are times that are better, and times when each day is a struggle not to slam him hard with divorce papers. I am so scared of the financial disaster and how it'll affect the kids.

I started putting together a timeline of what I know happened when, and, it's a relatively little thing, but I realized that the 'year' of coffee dates had to have been a bare minimum of 18 months. And that's a bare minimum. And he's telling me there were no coffee dates before he left the place where they worked together. Well, sorry, but how stupid is that? You leave the place and suddenly start coming back to have coffee after work with someone when you never did it before? Besides which, I remember a whole long discussion (stretched out over many months) about having coffee with someone while he was at that job, in which the story went from 'we had coffee' to 'all having coffee means is we took turns buying each other rounds and dropping it off at their stations-- we weren't having coffee together' to -- best one yet, if you're drinking, swallow before you read this.
.
.
.
.
I'm serious.
.
.
.
you don't want to spit it on the screen
.
.
.
.
'having coffee' only meant I turned on the coffee maker in the break room and let people know!'

Uh, yeah, when I turn on the coffee maker and go about my business, I call that 'having coffee with someone.'

By the way, what IS the meaning of IS?

When weekly coffee dates sounded too awful, he tried to reduce it to every other week and just stopping by for 15 minutes. I said, there is NO WAY you take the time to drive to her work, find parking, search her out in a hospital, and order coffee, all for a measly 15 minutes. So then he said maybe it was a half hour he spent with her each time.

HE IS SUCH A BLOODY LIAR!!! And he still doesn't want to get why spending a half hour every week for over a year and a half (seriously, counting before he left that job, it was probably more like 2 or 3 years)... and lying to your wife about it... IS A PROBLEM!

I just feel sick tonight.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri, he's gaslighting you, sweetie.

Mine is a terminal Liar.

Read over here: Ultimate-self.com

Psycho had almost convinced me round Thanksgiving that he had NOT been online at all since I kicked him out last 9/06...had no cell phone, no puter, etc.

Sent me reeling. my gut says, 'Oh, yes, U have!'

It really affected me...how he could lie SO EFFORTLESSLY!

So, I went back to the NPD thread where there was a post on "Liars" n found this really *healing site*.

Fuck them all.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:21 PM, November 26th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I know he's gaslighting. And somehow, knowing he's doing it should make it easier to deal with, shouldn't it? It's not like it's a surprise anymore, and he may truly not even know whether it was a 12 months or 18 that he had coffee with her. But it still feels like a fist in the gut, it still leaves me almost physically nauseated every time I find another lie.

I read a bit at ultimate-self.com. Yes to that indignant thing. The last couple months, he's acting like he SUDDENLY REALIZES I'm talking about actual physical infidelity, and he's really gotten on his high horse that he can't believe it, now I'm accusing him of out and out infidelity. It makes no sense for him to be acting like this, because he's spent the last three years telling me I'm the 'only co-worker' he's ever slept with. He has amended that to 'woman' (apart from his ex-girlfriend). And this morning, he said that one of his last e-mails to ow1, over a year and a half ago, was because he was annoyed that I was accusing him of infidelity! How rich is that?! But supposedly it's only in the last couple months that he GETS IT that I'm accusing him of infidelity.

He is so full of it.

Now how in the world am I going to take care of all these kids on my income and child support?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far, I don't think I am in the dark (meaning that I *THINK* my husband is being honest with me) but my gut is telling me different.
I am not sure if it is just because he is currently deployed and I don't know if we are dealing with this in a healthy matter or what.
He does not want to talk about it. Said it's 'over and done with' and he will 'never do it again because it's not worth it to lose our marriage over'. So why did he do it in the first place? Why were the over 450 text messages between him and this woman?! BLAH!
I wish he would confess. Just like I wish he would confess that he is smoking again. Stupid fucker.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are hurting like this, capri.

Just take it One Day at a Time...you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Take it 10 minutes at a time...breaking it down makes it a lot easier to handle.

I would have completely Lost It if I did not have my IC.

This stuff is such a heavy burden. Please go to IC for additional support n direction.

And, hang in there!

Some people are just sick fucks...period.

Not gonna change ever.

So, we have to do the changing.

raging, you hang in there, too, okay?

I just found a bunch of IM's WH & I had...where he promised me the sun, moon, n the stars...& went out and was WORSE THAN EVER.

Okay, I kicked him out at that point.
Trust absolutely blown...he will never ever change.
Its just horrible...the damage that they do...easier now he isn't living with me.

No Contact = No Hurt.

((((hugs, everyone))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can 454 text messages be just 'innocent' conversation? He was signed on Yahoo IM via his cell phone (each message was sent as a text) and he said they never exchanged phone numbers (not even 'real' names- just used their screen names). But when I asked what they talked about, he said 'Anything but the war' (he was leaving in a week to Iraq). Am I really to believe that over 454 messages remained innocent with a woman who he met off of a FLING website? I hate that I will never know the truth because he will never come clean.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's not innocent. Even if it didn't involve sexual talk, even if they didn't trade real names and phone numbers, he was still clearly building a relationship with her, and presumably not being upfront about it or including you.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, raging. He's bullshitting you, sweetie.

Have you read the articles in our Healing Library?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that it wasn't innocent. I guess it was more of me thinking aloud and it being a rhetorical question. If I think about it too much, I get . He says that he has told me everything there is to be 'said' but I doubt it.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
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