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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 28th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, raging, its called "trickle down truth".
The longer they take, the more damaging.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what do you do when you CAN'T stand living in the dark, but leaving's not an option?

Several months ago I found out that WH has signed on to married dating websites. He admitted he signed on, but did it because he was mad at me at the time, was in a "bad place", and was curious so he just looked at profiles and didn't contact anyone. He swears it was last year and only for like a week before he realized "how sick it is" and he stopped. He's even stuck to this story in MC, and even in his individual session with the MC (where he had the opportunity to come clean since she cannot tell me what they talk about privately).
I recently confirmed that not only has he been on those sites for TWO YEARS, but he's still doing it!!!! One site says he's been active in the past 24hrs, which means he left MC and went and logged into the site.
I truly believe he loves me and I truly believe he's sincere about wanting a successful marriage. He's had too many opportunities to exit the relationship and has fought tooth and nail to keep it. But he's still lying and doing the hurtful behavior. Is he mentally ill??????
I'm not afraid of making it on my own. I KNOW I can. But we have 4 kids who depend on their mom being available (SAHM) to bring them to/from private preschool, playdates, etc. If I leave and go to work to support us without WH, it COMPLETELY changes their way of life. The only way of life they've ever known. Going from having a loving, devoted mom providing you with a full life to having to sit in daycare all day long just ISN'T an option. At the very least I HAVE to hang in there until my twins (who are only 8mths old) get in elementary school.

So how do I deal with this darkness? Create my own "darkness" to crawl into?


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h2h~ I really do feel for you.
Mine did the same right down to lying at MC & going right back on.

Where is your Line in the Sand *drawn* up at?

Have you tried posting this in General & seeing what sorts of feedback you get over there?

Do you think he might be a sex/fantasy addict?

Do you have a key logger installed?

Tell him you are going to throw the damned computer away...

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
madeitthrough
Member
Member # 7931
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Going from having a loving, devoted mom providing you with a full life to having to sit in daycare all day long just ISN'T an option."

FTR, I can totally understand preferring to SAH, I truly can, and not wanting to change from what you have now. But high quality DC is a valuable resource and plenty of wonderful, loving mothers and happy, well adjusted children use it.

"At the very least I HAVE to hang in there until my twins (who are only 8mths old) get in elementary school."

That's a LONG time to struggle through this. If you are ok with your H being on dating sites? He seems to use them as an outlet. He may well be completely devoted to staying in your marriage, but on the terms that he has access to other women.


Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2005
hoping2heal
♀ Member
Member # 16738
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately we can't throw the computer away. He owns an internet-based retail business and needs access at home. I installed a keylogger on our home computer, but he knows I've been searching files and hasn't done anything "wrong" since this all came up. (Even went as far as telling the MC he realizes he just can't look at porn period without wanting to take it to that next level).
I never really thought about him being a sex addict. I could always tell when he was looking at porn because the next morning the history had been erased (his way of being discreet) and that only happened maybe once or twice a month. I accessed his account at Adultdatelink and the messages in his inbox have big gaps in time (which I think coincide with when he logs on). We did have a breakthru in MC last week were we discovered the reason he had an EA/PA, secret relationship w/fm friend, and looks at dating sites is that he has a great need for emotional connection (something about him not getting that connection from his parents by the time he was 6 years old). So I don't know what that has to do with his continued activities. I'm having a private session with the MC on Tuesday to discuss how I should proceed (if I should confront, or "force" a confession by pushing for a polygraph).

As far as my line in the sand, for myself, it's already been crossed. But since my kids are at stake, that line moves to whether or not he physically met someone in person.


BS (me) - 38
FWH - 38
4 kids
'98 - PA/EA resulted in us separating
'06 - discovered he'd joined 6 married dating websites
'07 - discovered EA
'09 - FWH admits he's a sex addict -- now working on recovery!

Posts: 1762 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Central Florida
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and, meeting someone might be that very next level & SOON.

What then?

I hope you read "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes (read the online reviews on it at amazon.com which don't truly do this book justice, IMO)...this is the one book that WH read...it really "reached him" ...but, unfortunately, he will never change some are unable to) & I kicked him out on 9/06 when he would not tell me The Truth concerning all the protected files, etc.

I just could NOT allow him to keep disrespecting me like that -- like a *DOOR MAT*!

And, its progressive:
I saw my WH log on for some visual thrills to...having *hot chats*...to wanting to book a one way trip to Vegas...to looking at a house there to buy for him & the Slut.

Just sayin'

There will be no R, period.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though it's now over, I'm still in the dark about most of it. I didn't even find out about any of the instances of cheating/affairs until the night he was leaving me for another woman.

The only reason I found out anything at all was because I tricked him into believing I had talked to one of his female 'friends' I had suspicions about. Even then he wasn't totally honest, saying it lasted 'months' when really it was more like 2 years. I guess 2 years is 24 'months'. Ha.

He refuses to tell me details...how long exactly, how many times, where, when, who, etc. and he refuses to tell me about all of them. He just lies.

I'm the kind of girl who wants to know it all, but I have to accept that I never ever will. I just sit wondering so many times...when he said he was here or there, where was he really? Whose lipstick was that on his shirt when he somehow was able to convince me it wasn't lipstick? He really did mess around with that chick the one time they went out and stayed out, didn't he?

Since he refuses to tell me even still (even though he's with OW) I can only assume the worst of what I suspect. It's hard, but it also makes it easier in some ways. Total and complete lying cheating asshole who still refuses to treat me with respect.

Why won't he just tell me??? What's the harm in telling me now? It's not as if I'll leave him. Ha ha ha.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed74, I'm new around here and have no advice. Just want to say (appropriately enough): I Can Relate!

I'm still with my husband, but I'm betting that if we were to go our separate ways, he'd be just like yours and still lie--even when there was nothing tangible left to lose. Also, like you, I'm one of those people who needs to know. I don't even care what it is anymore, I just want the bloody truth without having to have evidence to back me up. I mean, is this a marriage or a court of law? So-o-o-o frustrating!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jitter...

It is frustrating beyond belief. I basically begged him to put me out of my misery and just tell me the damned truth so that my slide-show brain could just stop.

His response?...'Just move on'.

Easy for you to say, asshole! You moved right on over to your latest chick, leaving our 11 year relationship and leaving me here with the devastation of this partial knowledge to deal with alone!

I could wring his neck. He wouldn't answer even ONE question...'how long did your affair with _____ *really* last?' 'Just move on'.

F*ck you!!

Sorry...I'm all agitated about it today. It's been one month and one week. Some days are better than others. Today is not a good day.

Hang in there. I'm pretty new here, too.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Betrayed74))

"Just move on" my arse! How are you supposed to "move on" when you don't even know what you're moving on FROM?

It's cruel. It really is.

My heart goes out to you.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, its been a long form of *torture*.
Gutless bastard!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 9th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It IS torture. And it's so . . . pointless. I don't trust him, for sure, but sometimes I think what it really boils down to is *his* lack of trust for *me.* He doesn't trust me enough to show his true self, to be who he really is, to have a *real* marriage.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, its almost like a form of *paranoia*, isn't it?
Then I find myself feeling this way about him as well (which I probably & rightfully should; very odd conflicting feelings towards someone you loved, it was forecer, blah, blah, blah.)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
msbhaven
♀ Member
Member # 16780
Concerned  Posted: 11:24 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jitterbug, that is exactly how I feel. Here I am sharing the last 19 years of my life and three beautiful kids and he doesn't think enough of me to tell me the truth. How can we have a real marriage when we both know the truth (even though he won't admit it out loud - he says nothing ever happened despite evidence)? I don't know him at all anymore, and I don't believe anything he says anymore.


BS: Me, 42
WH: Him, 37
Married 15 years, together 19
DDAY1 - 11/2006
DDAY2 - 2/12/2008
Status: Still in the dark because he won't admit anything.
DS: 17
DD#1: 15
DD#2: 5

Posts: 110 | Registered: Oct 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 11th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, msbhavin--mind-boggling, isn't it? So much has been swept under the rug at this point I don't know anymore if I can find the energy to haul it all out of there or, for that matter, how to go about it. I see no other way, though, because it's not in me to pretend, and it's not in him to come clean of his own volition.



Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught mine in a really huge LIE today n now have the *proof*.

Such negative stupid waste of energy...why treat the one you love...so cruelly.

Cowards n chickenshits! UG


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, December 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife . . . the negative energy sucks. Both the lies and the digging. But I'm glad you got yourself some proof!!

(Can I have some?)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't trust me enough to show his true self, to be who he really is, to have a *real* marriage.

I wish what fwh could understand is that it's impossible to really love someone when you're never allowed to really KNOW them. And as long as he keeps hiding things from me, he's shooting himself in the foot, always having to believe that the real him is not worthy of love, rather than maybe taking a chance on the truth and finding out someone CAN love the real him.

He's a fool.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean, jitter. But I wouldn't have gotten any recent "proof" unless I opened up lines of communication once more.
Like...I told him that ALL I really wanted for Xmas was an e-mail...just like the kind he USED to write to me before.
WH took the bait.
I find that when talking to him, he just shuts down...but when he writes, he can get pretty carried away.
Then he decided to get "us" both cell phones. And, I found out he had gotten his cell phone back in October...not just a week ago.

To have evidence of this, is just HUGE to me.

It validated so much about the kind of person he is, & continues to BE.
Because, at least...I'm no longer "in the dark" about cell phones & computers.

capri~ I have made so many allowances & excuses for my WH. Bottom Line: just a general lack of any character. And, always thinking some one *better* is going to come along ~ yet also keeping me on the back burner (he thinks).

Playing Mind Games.

Impulsivity: "If it feels GOOD, then DO it."

I have to accept now that there are some people in this world who ARE just this way, period.
He's never going to change.

Has anyone here ever thought that what if, by some magical stroke of Good Fortune, your BS actually opened up & told you EVERYTHING...would you STILL want that person back?

Would you still be able to TRUST that it would not *happen* yet again at some future point in time?

I can't. He's burned me for the last 3 years. I have to just accept that this is just the kind of secretive weird lying *stranger* that he is...no more chances...the well has run dry so far as I'm concerned.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone here ever thought that what if, by some magical stroke of Good Fortune, your BS actually opened up & told you EVERYTHING...would you STILL want that person back?

Would you still be able to TRUST that it would not *happen* yet again at some future point in time?

Good points. The thing is, I don't believe my H is lacking in character; I believe he's very, very afraid of his own emotions and extremely worried that I won't accept him for who he really is. Maybe he's right, but I've caught him in lies many, many times, and I'm still here. I may be kidding myself, but I think he has the potential to be real, to live an authentic life. If I didn't believe that, I'd have left a long time ago.

As for being able to accept the truth were I to actually hear it from him? It's impossible to know for sure what my reaction would be, but I can't imagine that the primary feeling would be anything but relief--for us both.

His capacity to lie is something I have a very hard time understanding, but I try to keep in mind that it's also (apparently and unfortunately) human.

Ah hell. This is what I say today. Tomorrow, or five minutes from now, I might be in that ugly place where all I see is a lying, cheating coward who's never going to change and who's systematically ruined not only any possibility that I'll ever trust *him* again, but that I'll ever trust *anyone.*

Back and forth, up and down, in and out, on and on.


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