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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raging- can I ask you a question? If it's too personal we can skip it...
when your WSO was doing his thing, did the sex with you slow down or stop? And if it did, and then you discovered he was swinging then has that affected you sexually in any way? Because I keep feeling I've been *robbed* of my sexuality by being so gaslighted as to the reasons, then finding out it was just that he would rather be with OTHERS and now I feel disgusting and that sex in general is dirty and disgusting.
Maybe I'm nuts...but that's how this has left me feeling.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoC- I didn't find out until a year after his bullshit stopped.
But looking back I have to say yes things did slow WAY down. I remember one day when I tried to initiate sex cuz it had been a while, & he was hemming & hawing & trying to get out of it.
But I had no inkling, & I thought he was just tired or something.
He gave in, but now looking back, I know what that was about.

So a year later when I found all the shit , especially the e-mail to the 60 year old lady (we were in our mid 30's) where she asked him if he had a "sex partner" & he told her "yes but I haven't been able to let it all out in a while" & he "couldn't wait to fuck her hot, wet pussy" & "make her be his whore" yes, that did serious permanent damage to me.


then finding out it was just that he would rather be with OTHERS

Word Sister.
I felt like you do & I felt that every time we had sex it had to be dirty, perverted etc. & that I had to be his whore.

But I grew a thick skin (you have to to make it through being in the dark) & now I just enjoy sex for myself.

I still have lapses where I feel those old feelings again & that I have to prove I'm the best but that's just something that can never be put to rest unless he comes clean.

You're not nuts. The way you feel is perfectly normal. You've been delt a hell of a blow & nothing you feel is crazy or weird, it's just you. And you're allowed to feel this way cuz he put you here.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, raging! That is some seriously SICK stuff to stumble on in the email department...I'd be scarred for life! Are you OK?
I think I'd better get counseling for getting over the dirty disgusting feeling. I want to have hope that sex can be beautiful, meaningful and a bond between people instead of just something animals do to get off.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

serJR checking in...

I don't really know if I'm in the dark, I've managed to figure out enough by myself, but WW has yet to admit the true nature of her 'friendship' with her coworker before D-day.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJR - I'd say it sounds like yer a classic in the darker!

NoC - of course sex can be beautiful, meaningful,etc.
Just maybe not with him though. It all depends on you & your outlook ya know?
But don't let him take that away from you.

Maybe the reason I was able to get beyond this w/ my H is because he changed so drastically & became like he was when we first started dating. Not sure. Maybe should ponder this some more.

Anyway none of this matters cuz he didn't do anything wrong right?
Sorry, little sarcasm slippin' out.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
madandconfused
♀ Member
Member # 15379
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is SO me... I didn't see anything but Txt msgs and they didn't say anything specific... and he tells me it was nothing they just talked on the phone & txt msg alot... there was nothing physical... BS When she sends me a txt msg... (while I was using his phone to talk to her that way she thought it was him) she writes... hehe we almost got caught.....

But yes I'm like you ragin... not allowed to bring it up, not allowed to show I'm thinking about it.... etc... it sucks... they are the ones that screwed up and we pay for it.... they don't want to tell us what happened b/c they know they screwed up and if they ignore it it will go away.... and they never have to face the true music!


Me: BS ?? 33
Him: WS? 31
Kids 4 (2 oldest mine from previous)S-12 D-8 S-2 D-6 months
SOW(G) - Young friend of the family
Us: together July 2003 married July 24, 2004
reconciliation??? it's not looking good.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Mexico
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another "club" that I am a member of...yeah

My WH is now my X. I have managed to find out a lot about the A, but he has told me virtually nothing. And the story that he tells changes a lot.

What upsets me most is that I now do not trust anything about our 20 years together. how much was real? How much was fake? Was this his first A?? And what else did he hide from me???

Being in the dark sucks. Virtually my whole life crumbled under me on d-day.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17291 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an email from her from today still denying (note it was an EA with a coworker, I confronted her, she demanded separation, and admitted to sleeping with him while we were separated (we still are S):

"You need to get over yourself and this issue. OMM and I did not even pursue anything other than hanging out until about 1 month after we separated. The only thing that we established was a very strong friendship. It is a point we will debate."

okay... then please explain:

-the internet history with quotes on adultery, friendship, passion, and love, and a bunch of his interests, and love horoscopes for your sign and not mine

-the emails you sent him right after I left for work in the morning before you would usually wake up talking about your new philosophy being 'no regrets' and feeling like a schmuck when I bought you flowers (and asking if I felt guilty for something or if you should)

-the email you sent a couple of days after D-day saying "if I was a good wife then there's no way that anyone else should even appeal to me"

-the fact that when I confronted you and hour later you demanded a separation and said that you were going to date OMM

-the fact that you got a new email address one week later

-the fact that you and OMM conveniently separated within a few days of each other

-the fact that a week later you told me how much you like OMM

-the fact that a couple of weeks ago you admitted that you two admitted your feelings to each other a few weeks before D-day

-the fact that you spent hours on the phone and texting him while we were separated and you were 'just friends'

-the fact that you were sneaking out at night after putting on perfume and using mouthwash

-the fact that you hadn't worn your wedding ring for a few weeks prior to D-day

-the fact that OMM has a tattoo and you have been talking about getting one for a few months prior to D-day

-the fact that you're favourite songs (a couple of months before D-day) became "Beautiful" by James Blunt, "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder, and "The Other Man" by Sloan. - All suggested by OMM

-the fact that you told me OMM's wife thought you guys were having an affair

-the fact that your mother thought you were having an affair

-the fact that if the marriage was so bad you never said "We have a problem" or suggested MC. The only hints you gave were talking about coworkers cheating and how you would leave me before doing that. You complain now we never did just 'us stuff' but you always turned down babysitting offers for us to be able to.

-the fact that you needed to move out to 'discover yourself'. You don't need your own bed to figure out if you want to be an accountant or an astronaut.

-the fact that a few months prior to D-day you started going to the gym, working longer hours, and dressing more provacatively.


Here I sit... anxiously awaiting an explanation


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
What About Bob
♂ Member
Member # 8572
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbo land, yes that sucks way way worse than the truth as ugly as it might be.

I lived in the capital of limbo land for a long time.

They are not human, they have no soul or something.

How you can sit there look someone you are supposed to love in the face say there is nothing going on and then twist it on them to say something like "are you really that insecure" ...it just makes me pissed to think about it


"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"


Posts: 2174 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: South
ouchagain
Member
Member # 12193
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, July 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJR:

I've been on the NPD thread, but "Still In The Dark" totally applies to me as well. I was really struck by your list - guilty, guilty, guilty - it's so obvious yet she continues to lie - I really think that the ability to lie like that is sociopathic - I know, my XBF did the same thing. We were in a long-distance relationship but I had so much circumstancial evidence (mostly from on-line cell phone records, e-mail messages and have become some what of a super sleuth), and, like you, just noticing a lot of obvious changes in behavior yet he swore to me that they were just "friends" So if you don't mind me piggybacking here and adding my list. Think it would do me good.

Me: "So you deny having any kind of intimate relationship with her, so how do you explain . . . .

the fact that from the day you met her there were calls back and forth to her every single night for at least 1 hour and sometimes up to 3.

the fact that when you started calling her obsessively, your calls diminished to me in frequency and duration - 10 minutes right before you called her at the end of the night

the fact that all calls to her (actually to anyone) stopped from Friday to Sunday evening - cell phone off maybe? When I would try to call - phone was off and I wouldn't hear from you until Sunday evening with a lame excuse that you had been really busy all weekend - (yeah, getting busy with her!)

the fact that once you met her, you stopped asking me to come and visit saying that people in the small town where you live are racist (he's black, I'm white.)

the fact that your visits to me were more and more infrequent and when you did came you guarded your cell-phone with your life (took it in the shower) and kept it off.

the fact that when you did come and we made love it was like making love to a stranger - you used all new positions that we never had done before.

the fact that on New Year's Eve when you were with me, I listened to your voice mail and heard a friend of yours asking when you would be taking off for the city to see her and spend New Year's Eve with her

the fact that a friend responded to an e-mail you sent saying that he was glad that you had found someone new and special - someone to share good times and bad times with

Is that enough? I could go on, but don't want to take up too much space. So who's the crazy one?. He blamed me for reading into things, being paranoid and jealous. He even said that he might as well cheat since I thought he was anyway. So I'm left with all of this and no confession - yeah, that's enough to make your crazy!


Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2006
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ouchagain,

yep, you added a few I had forgotten. The making love one was a bit different for me. The frequency was horrible and she was saying how it needed more 'passion' while she would just lie there with the 'hurry up and get it done' attitude... except for one night a few weeks before d-day where she came back from work late one night and woke me up doing some things she hadn't in a very long time...hmmm...

Anyways, it's kinda funny (in a sick way) how they have a complicated story to explain each bit of evidence. Someone once said that "The simplest solution that can explain everything is the right answer". Hmm... I can explain all of that in just 2 words.

"You cheated"


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyways, it's kinda funny (in a sick way) how they have a complicated story to explain each bit of evidence. Someone once said that "The simplest solution that can explain everything is the right answer". Hmm... I can explain all of that in just 2 words.

"You cheated"

SO. TRUE!!!!

See my post earlier in the thread for some of the ridiculous explanations I've been given. Cute like a ladybug my you-know-what.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, I didn't even KNOW this thread existed!

Oh, count me IN!

This has been my entire sitch ever since I joined SI!

I have been so thoroughly lied to, gaslighted, mind fucked...its incredible I'm still able to type!

But, its helped me to heal a bit because I finally kicked psycho out last 9/06!

But, still, you know...I need to know what is up and what is down.
And, I'm slowly getting there!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Frustrated  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting thread...

Does anyone think that our WH's continue their pitiful stories for self preservation? If they admitted the details of their infidelity, they would then have to 'own' it.

That is the continuing problem that my H is having. Once I learned of his A, he admitted to only the most beign details. I am the one who had to dig - little by little details were disclosed, and he had to watch how each tidbit of information stabbed my heart. He knows that I need closure to move forward, however giving me that information means he has to admit to being less of a man. He doesn't want to have to watch my emotional breakdown, knowing that he is the one responsible for the destruction of the life we once knew. Not having ALL the answers makes me feel that he is still harboring fond memories of the OW. Without the answers to the questions that I still feel the need to know, I'll never be able to fully trust him. The walls I built to protect myself are thick with windows that give me hope, but doors that remain tightly closed.


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The walls I built to protect myself are thick with windows that give me hope, but doors that remain tightly closed

I love this! Cuz that's about how it is isn't it?


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, I luv it, too...PERFECT!!

Its not that my WH doesn't want to 'own it'...it goes deeper.

He's a Sociopath & thusly feels ENTITLED.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thing that hurts are the continued lies. When I would ask questions, he would only say what I already knew. He would give me an answer that he thought would get me off his back. Not the truth.

Here is an example. Right after d-day I asked him when it started. His answer - mid May. Then I found proof of early may. So I asked again -- yes, he said, early may. Then I found he and she had gotten a hotel room in mid-april. When confronted with the receipt he claimed: 1) he did not know what it was; when I did not believe that he changed his story to 2) I had some drinks at the bar with a friend; When I informed him that Holiday Inn Express does not HAVE a bar...he moved to 3) Yes OW and I got a room but nothing happened....yeah right...

Anyway, after months of digging and listening carefully to everything he said, I realized that the EA started in mid-Feb. Every answer to every question had been a lie.

WTF??? Don't I deserve a little more respect than that??


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17291 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Same kind of thing here, Dreamboat. I get these stupid answers that just don't add up, or answers that could ONLY be true if he's the world's biggest idiot, totally clueless, dense, more naive about women and human nature than my 7yos, and extremely hard of hearing to boot.

When I say he hasn't told me the truth, he sticks his nose up in the air and says, with an air of superiority: "Yes, I have. YOU just don't want to believe it." (Uh, why would I 'not want to believe' that nothing happened and everything is okay? If it were even remotely possible to believe that, to make my gut stop screaming, I think I would have managed it by now.)

And he thinks he's so much smarter than anyone else, I guess he's convinced himself his stories are believable? Or does he just figure there's not a darn thing I can do about it, so who cares if I believe it or not?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when your WSO was doing his thing, did the sex with you slow down or stop?

I'll have to re-read and see if there are many answers, but here, it did. He told me he was so worried he had uh... dysfunction. But then there was the day that for many reasons, I believe is the day he finally completely broke it off with ow3, and he had this miraculous recovery. It's just another funny coincidence with which fate is framing him, I guess, to have this problem ONLY during the time he's e-mailing her and visiting her at her desk, and lying to me about her.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that, capri:

'fate is framing him'....

Dreamboat~

Its not so much as giving us 'respect' (re: continued lying & mind fucking) -- its that they play by an entirely different & TWISTED set of rules.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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