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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
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Member # 18281
Suspicious  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted my wife. she lied denied. She did say she was sorry. she did n't mean to hurt me. She didn't mean to betray me. She still will not admit the A. I confronted her last wed. I am at a loss about what to do now?

Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
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Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she denied anything happened, I'm wondering why she apologized and said she didn't mean to betray you?

Have you confronted her with evidence?

Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shyguy~ what kind of evidence did you confront her with?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone got any stories of successfully getting 'out of the dark'?
How did you finally get the truth you needed? Anyone?

I think my only option is to dump my cheaterboy and hope he misses me so much that he'll finally take my feelings seriously and give me the answers i need to feel like i can actually trust him again.

Better off and happy!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the dark for a long time. I had evidence of inappropriate contact via email and cell phone, and one receipt showing appetizers and drinks an hour away, late at night. He couldn't deny those things, but for 8 months that was all I had, and he denied all physical contact with anyone.

I went to work 24/7 (pretty much) searching. There was not a piece of lint in my house, a remote corner, that wasn't scrutinized each and every single day. I went through months old trash. I did everything I could, spent money like water, and it all came down to him napping one night and me going through his wallet ... again.

Found his checklist of things to say to OW#1, the 20 year old who told him she was pregnant. The same day I got his Yahoo password and had evidence of MOW#2. Five days later he emailed her and we were through.

Patience and ceaseless vigilance. If they won't give you truth and you need it, do what you have to to find it. You cannot live the rest of your life with their lies lying there unexamined.

Relentless, ceaseless vigilance ... and luck. Eventually they will slip up and you will find what you need.

"Activity and sadness are incompatible."

- Christian Bovee

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

- Dorothy Parker

Posts: 1373 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: East coast
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Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through his wallet, copied down every fragment of info I could find, installed eblaster (but I could only get partial info)...I called his XW, went to shrink & his IC appt., I spoke in depth to his sister on the east coast, and have got quite a lot "together" on my own.
In retrospect, I would have installed a hardware key logger & bought one of those teddy bears with a cam strategically placed near the PC before I finally kicked WH out. UGGGGGGG

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 14th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still in the dark here too. I just ordered a voice activated recorder, which I plan on planting in WH's car. Time is of the essence, as OW is moving in a couple of weeks.

I'm so tired of hearing "we're just friends", they sound like a couple of parrots repeating it. I don't care if they are "just" friends, they've spent so much time together it's ridiculous. I'm such a tool.

Separated, divorcing.

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: btn rock and hard place
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Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, March 16th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know if I belong here, but many of your stories sound familiar. I finally got the truth (well part if it)when I confronted him w/ proof 7mos ago. But I know Im still in the dark about so many things. (see my profile.) The feeling that I dont have the whole truth has really been bothering me all of the sudden. Not that it didnt bother me before, but more so now. I guess that fact that I recently found out he contacted her again a month ago doesnt help.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 1:50 AM, March 16th (Sunday)]

"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8

Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
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Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jolene, please keep us updated!

That "parrot" thing resonated with me. That is what WH sounds like (stock, pat answers concerning $, memory).
Sometimes I want to just go up to him and scream: "Just WHO the fuck are you fooling, creep?!!"
Its all part of psychopathic *duping delight* when he asks me anything, I gaslight right back.
Ummm, how irritating! hehe

Welcome to our thread, 2yrs.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 7:46 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)]

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just saw this thread...I guess I belong here also.

Yup I'm still in the dark, well actually let me say he "tries" to put me in the dark, with no luck.

Let's see, 3 years ago I all of a sudden had a gut feelings he was cheating on me. I snooped, found some pretty good evidence...a phone number he called late at night over and over and over, I called it..girl answered..I hung up (regret that 100%) I called him and confronted him..said it was his boys number. Well I don't know of any man who would call their "boy" over and over late at night unless they are gay (which he isn't), he said the girl who answered was his girlfriend...yea ok *eyeroll*. Even though I didn't believe a word of it..I let it go, well I just didn't say anything more about it. One day after work says he's going to Walmart to buy new sheets for the bedroom set he surprised me with (guilt gift?)...thought it was kinda odd he was bringing his 3 friends with to go to Walmart..but whatever. He left around 5pm, 6pm rolls around, then 7pm, then 8pm..till finally 10pm rolls around and wow...Walmart closes at 10...still no H. Mind you when he left, he left me with our 3 kids (at the time ages 5, 2 and 6months) to take everything out of our room (like I said it was a "surprise" so I had no warning to clear the old bedroom set out) and put the new one in (that was blocking my whole kitchen). AT 10:30 my neighbor/friend says that she will drive around to look for him, 30min later she calls saying no longer then we hang up she calls back "you're H is at the strip club down the street!!!" I go down there, he's standing out this story that his friend needed him there *eyeroll again*...didn't believe him but let it slide...again. 2 weeks later, bank statement came in mail, H opens it, looks at it puts it in a trash bag and takes it to the dumpster. H had not taken out the trash in months. He leaves, I go to the dumpster, crawl inside (yes I was INSIDE the dumpster!!!) get the bag, read the statement and wow what would you know, a charge for a hotel room. I leave, go to my moms, call the bank to get all info. Call him, confront him...all he can say is "you climbed in the dumpster???" Denied everything, I ask him if he has his card...he says yes. So I ask him, "Ok so you're saying someone must have took your wallet out of your back pocket, took your card out, put your wallet back, bought a hotel room, went back to your wallet and put your card back?" And he said "YES!!!!!" Later that night he tells me that he did buy the room but it was for a going away party for one of his friends. *eyeroll*.

Fast forward 3 years to now.He gets home from his 3rd tour in Iraq in Oct. Starts going out every weekend sometimes not coming home at night, tells he all kinds of "stories". Finally he says he has enough of me accusing him, he moves out. Tells me there is no one else, he isn't sleeping with we continue sleeping together..sometimes everyday. I start having a gut feeling plus some small evidence that he is seeing the girl who lives next door to his friends he is staying with. The girl is married,actually the Friend and this girl live right down the street from me...I know this girl. I find out that this girls h is in Iraq. For about 2 months I accuse H of having an A with her...denies denies denies. One night I find texts from her to him..him to her. None of them say too much, but I KNEW then that I was right. He denies anything, says that it's a weird situation over there, that he wishes I only knew. OK whatever. He started coming over more..using the PC here, I get into his Myspace one night. I find a letter that the girl had wrote him 2 days before. She says that she knows he doesn't want her to call or text but she had to e-mail him.She says that she is going to miss holding him and kissing his lips, she talks about how she thinks they fight because they had to sneak around etc... I confront him, he denies it all!!!! At first he says I wrote the letter!!! Then he says the girl is crazy...he has NO IDEA why she wrote this!!! *eyeroll* I told him wow people are really out to get you? He said YES! So That's where I'm at now, haven't gotten any answers. He did move back in.Says he loves me etc.. I bring up the whore almost everyday, and he gets pissed. He will not admit to anything!!!!!!!

That's my story...My long depressing story!!!

Me(BS)~ 28

D-Day~2-10-08 *Even though I "knew" before then...
~~~He can't stop cheating, and I can't stop loving him~~~
~You ruined me~
~How do I start a new life when all I've ever known is you in

Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((huge hugs)))))

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, cryinginside: that's some serious gaslighting! It's crazy-making, I know. I hear the "She's a whack-job," etc., too--and that someone's out to get him. (Yeah right.)

I don't bother asking questions anymore. Waste of my time.

Have you tried the 180? It might help you (keyword being *you*).

Sorry you're going through this. It's a helluva place to be. . . .

Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asswipe just can't quit.

He reminds me of a runaway freight train loaded with black coals of lies n deception.

He made out his "Will" which looked very good on the surface. Its hard to fathom WHY he would go to all this trouble of notarizing, printing it out, spending $...just to continue on "duping me"?
(I did respond by telling him via e-mail that I never liked Easter eggs hunting at my age...)

And, it/Will never addressed any of the *hidden assets*!

He never replied back to my e-mail as is the usual in his passive-aggressive Game. Instead, he suggested I find out about the over 2K he invested n I lost in a bank see if bank ins. will cover this.
As my friend pointed out, he already KNOWS this "answer"...just more "hoops" for me to jump through!

Awww, fucker!! Loathe the POS!

Awwww, screw him and just cannot wait to feed him to The Tax Man.

They won't stand for "being in the dark" too long.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 1:22 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say, bottom line, about being kept "still in the dark" would be this:

If it had NOT been for some great techie help in my early days here plus my key logger, I would TOTALLY BE IN THE DARK.

But the little I was able to, its such a relief!

There is nothing like having some info vs. being in a virtual blackout!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, dream!

Keyloggers/techies couldn't help me, since H doesn't use a computer at home.

I keep reading posts that say the truth always comes out, eventually. Not sure I believe it, but you never know.

Anyway, you sound strong, girl! Brava!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
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Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone should seriously write a book about the stupid things WS's say when denying their A's. They contradict themselves, answer questions differently when asked more than once, and simply just come up with some doozies that even a child couldn't believe!! It would be hilarious!

I probably wouldn't have appreciated it right after dday or anything......but I'd lmao now!!!

Me - BS
H - WS
Dday March 1/05
Married 14 yrs., together 22.
3 great kids-1 D and 2 S.

Posts: 199 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, if I were to write about WH's responses, it would be sooooo BORING:

"I did not do it".

"I don't know".

"I don't recall."

"It wasn't me".

I don't remember..."

"I wish I could recall, but I can't..."

Ad nauseum, over & over.

How does one spell Frustration??

*Luv my key logger*!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, April 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone gone to friends or relatives of the WS in order to get more information?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. He suddenly developed insomnia, something he has never had before. Could this be caused by the excitement of his affair? HMMMM.
2. He began working out a lot, something he has always done but not with this newfound intensity.
3. It used to take him about 30-45 minutes to go the gym and come home. It began to take him an hour to an hour and a half to work out now. Was he using this extra time to call or text her?
4. He went shopping for some new clothes, something he never does. He claims that since he lost all the weight that the clothes he has do not fit. However, he is now at the weight he was at when we first met and he still has those clothes so his reasoning is flawed at best, a lie at worst. When he showed me the new shirts I said “very suspicious” because at this time I was starting to think something was going on. He looked at me with this guilty face and some irritation in his voice and said “what’s suspicious?” I said nothing, just seems suspicious to me. He didn’t say anything.
5. He stopped wearing his wedding ring and claims that he told me he stopped wearing it because of his weight loss. This simply is not true. I WOULD REMEMBER him telling me he was not wearing his ring any longer. When I noticed, he acted indignant because it took me so long to notice. Talk about trying to turn it around on me.
6. He kept me away from his car. We began to take my car everywhere. He said it was because I hate his car, which I do, but that never stopped me from riding in it. When I finally insisted we take his car, I saw that he had mints and cologne in the middle console. I was immediately nauseated. I knew something was up. He says he puts a dab of cologne on before he goes into work. It was a brand new bottle and he has another bottle in the house. HMMM.
7. Last time he came by, we needed to go to the bank. On our way out he said my car looked really dirty and we should take it so he could wash it. I thought he was just being nice, but now I believe he was once again trying to keep me from his car. Is the seat repositioned for her? Does he have another cell phone charging?
8. He stopped telling me he loved me. This from a man who used to tell me five times a day.
9. He began to ignore me. He did not initiate conversations. I remember riding home from a buffet we had gone to with his parents and I decided to see if we could drive all the way home without him talking to me. He did not say a word. Strange.
10. He began wearing an iPod to bed. He said it was to help him relax but I believe it was to help him distance himself from me.
11. He began giving me too many details about why he wasn’t answering the phone when I called. I never suspected anything before and he never gave reasons, now he is giving too much. I didn’t even ask why he didn’t answer the phone, he just felt compelled to tell me. STRANGE. He would say, “I just got out of the shower” or “I was in a meeting” or he would call me right back instead of picking up. It was like he was talking to her and needed to let her go so he could call me back to cover his tracks.
12. I woke up one day at about 1pm and he was nowhere to be found. The front door was open, so I closed it. He wasn’t in the garage and his car was here. He wasn’t in the back yard. Where was he? His phone was on the coffee table. I think he was using his secret cell phone to talk to her and just took a walk around the neighborhood. He walks back into the house and I was so distraught from everything that I did not think to ask where he had been.
13. He began charging his cell phone in the living room rather than the bedroom and I noticed that his phone never rang anymore. Maybe he had it on vibrate. I don’t know.
14. He had plenty of time to carry on an affair because I was taking five classes and was always busy with school.
15. He began to play softball again, but this time with a lot more intensity. He would go to practice on his day off and said practice lasted 3 or 4 hours. He was unreachable by phone during this time.
16. He went to Caesar’s palace to meet up with an old friend who works there, someone he has never mentioned but suddenly felt the desire to talk to. He left me a message telling me where he was going and when I got off work early I did not bother to call because I knew (yea right) where he was. Silly me. He shows up at home at about 1:30 because he knew I got off at 2. He seemed surprised to see me and asked why I did not call him. I said, I knew where you were (again silly me) and I was doing homework.
17. He tried to get out of our marriage by telling me he did not want kids. When this backfired, to his surprise, he said he had been unhappy for months and did not love me anymore.
18. He stopped having sex with me three years ago. He called my best friend to tell her “the real reason” he was leaving. He said sex with me did not click for him. He asked her if he should just tell me he was having an affair even though he wasn’t. Is he crazy? I am sooooo hurt by this conversation. I spent the first year of our marriage wondering what was wrong. He kept saying it was him and even went to the doctor once. He just rejected me over and over again and I got tired of asking. I should have left him then but I loved him and he told me he loved me. Boy am I dumb.
19. He has given me everything I asked for in the divorce. I believe this is due to guilt on his part.
20. Text messages. A couple of months ago, Jon said his phone bill was $150, instead of the usual $50. He said this was due to text messaging at work. He said they had begun to use text messaging to relay important information to one another. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because I trusted him. Now, I wonder if this is true or if he was texting her.
21. He and I also played this game where I would ask him if he missed me after being away for a few hours or after work. He always said “of course” and I said how much. He would think of something clever to say. It was just one of our things. However, I recall a few days before he left and I was still in complete darkness, I grabbed him and asked him if he missed me. He said yes and I said what did you miss. He pulled away from me and the look on his face was strange. He did not answer my question. I wasn’t suspicious because his shoulder and back were in a lot of pain so I just figured he was not feeling good. Stupid me.
22. We also had a thing where I would say “You don’t love me anymore” and he would say “yes I do, more than you’ll ever know”. I know this makes me seem insecure, but I wasn’t. It was just one of our things. I remember the last time I said this he got angry and said “Why do you always say that?” I was taken back because it was always just a game and he had suddenly taken it serious. I didn’t know what to say.
23. When he had 9pm starts at work, he would leave the house at 7pm and say if he gets there early they may use him and he could get off earlier. Was he using this time to meet or talk to her?
24. While he was gone for the first few days, I searched his computer search history. He had things like “love poems”, “how to text from computer”, lyrics to some love songs, etc. I never got a love poem from him. He says he was thinking about writing me a nice V-day card but he always gets lazy. HMMM.
25. After he left for a few nights to think, he came back and told me he still loved me and did not want a divorce. However, he wanted to move in with a friend because he feels empty inside. Did he really just want time to spend with her so he could make his choice? I knew there was more to this when he packed his things to leave because he separated our dvd collection and even took pictures off the wall. This does not sound like someone who is coming back. I filed for divorce. I will not wait while he decides. Not fair to me.

This is all of my “evidence” but I am still in the dark. He swears there is no one else. I told him the odds were not in his favor and he said he is the exception to the rule. HMMMM. Guess I’ll never know.

BS 37
WS 42
Married 6/6/04
Dday 3/6/08
Divorce Final 4/17/08

Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Las Vegas
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Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds like very *familiar* antics!

In fact, a whole lot of it sounds just *classic*.

Good for you that you found the clarity and strength to quit wasting your life over a man not worthy of you!

sadtoo, here, has a great Sig might want to read her profile.

I will probably never know the names of the women, and men, my psycho WH cheated with...however, just to know he was being secretive, ignoring me, & lying constantly, and disrespecting me and our vows is now...enough!

(((((huge hugs)))))

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

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