Anothertry gives excellent advice. The single biggest mistake I made in this whole mess was to confront too soon, before I had evidence that my H couldn't explain away. I was naive enough to believe that if I asked him, he'd tell me the truth.
That's almost never the way it goes, as I learned (too late) from reading here. The typical WS will deny, deny, deny . . . swear on their parents' graves and their children's lives . . . it's astounding.
Lay low and allow your W to think you don't suspect anything anymore. Keep reading and posting here--when you've reached 51 posts, you'll gain access to the Investigative Tips forum, where you'll get a lot of good advice on how to go about obtaining evidence.
Hang in there. You're not alone.
By the way, can someone suggest that any of us users (including new ones like myself) have access to the
I-Tips forum, even if we haven't reached 51 posts yet? I think we could all use the information- better sooner than later? How could we suggest this to the web site moderators?
I know how you feel, Gullible, but I doubt that this policy will be changed. I felt the same way when I first came here, then was surprised at how fast I reached 51 posts. I'm glad they have this policy now--though I remember being *so* impatient with it when I first came here.
Keep posting. You may be surprised, too, at how fast you'll get there.
I hear you. At this point she seems to think that there is nothing else to say and that we should get on with our marriage. I intend to lay low and keep an open eye for anything odd. I am sure that if she is continuing whatever it is she will change how they communicate and contact each other.
One of the things that she wanted to change was for us to carpool to work instead of taking separate cars. I don't know if she feels she this is giving me a sense of security or if she has an alter motive. Maybe controlling and knowing where I am.
Anyway it is a real struggle to cope with what I percieve as lies. Some days are OK while others tend to get really hard.
Obviously she knows that I am on to her so I think that she is laying low right now. If there really was or is something going on don't think that it is going on right now. She has made herself very accessible to me all day long through emails and ride sharing. The only avenue would be during her lunch time.
I do know that she appears to be working on getting us together. She is definately trying. She wants us to do stuff together, go places and just be togehter so we can be closer. That was one thing that was lacking prior to my discovery... due to her non willingness.
I am going forward in the marriage with some trepidation. I totally believe that there was something going on and that if she won't fess up to whatever she did I am just going to look to split up, I can't go through the rest of my life with this on the back of my mind. Life is not meant for that.
I wiil say it, again:
My WH gets OFF on "duping delight" and would pass ANY lie detector test; he's as cold as a snake.
Yes, jitter, I do feel so much better now.
Don't buy it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. The veterans on the board would probably suggest that you implement the 180 at this stage. You can read about it in the Healing Library. I've been doing kind of a modified version of it for a while now, and it really does help me stay sane in this crazy situation.
I cannot, however, find the article about the "180." Can anyone tell me where to find it?
It's in the BS FAQ. #11:
Needing, yes, it's blameshifting and gaslighting, trying to blame this one you for 'not trusting.' I was also told for years things like, "You're just determined to be unhappy," even while he was doing and saying hurtful things that couldn't help but make your average spouse unhappy.
And now, I still hear that the only ... I stress only... reason I don't believe him is because I 'just don't want to.' He hasn't explained quite how that works, how a woman just wakes up one day and starts asking questions about quite normal behavior in a quite normal husband, and absolutely decides that no matter how normal it all is, she just doesn't want to believe her life is that blissfully dull, and there must really be something funny going on. My life was quite interesting enough that I didn't need to create drama.
So, yes, Gullible, he'd rather try to make me think I'm crazy, make me doubt my own judgment and perception, than admit to whatever he did. Honestly, with #3, it may be so 'mild' as that he had himself convinced (with the help of my idiot 'friend') that I was without a doubt divorcing him, and decided to stroke his ego with the office tramp, and it felt good and he didn't want to give it up. But don't tell me it was 'nothing' and I 'made it up.'
I wish with all my heart that he would wake up one day and realize that our marriage will never be whole or right if he continues to lie. At this point I don't even think I would be mad, I can just picture myself sighing, Thank God, I'm not crazy, theirs nothing wrong with me. It would be such a relief!
We have such a good marriage, such a friendship, doesn't he know how much better it could be if he would just tell me what I already know?