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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi needingthetruth and welcome, though I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Anothertry gives excellent advice. The single biggest mistake I made in this whole mess was to confront too soon, before I had evidence that my H couldn't explain away. I was naive enough to believe that if I asked him, he'd tell me the truth.

That's almost never the way it goes, as I learned (too late) from reading here. The typical WS will deny, deny, deny . . . swear on their parents' graves and their children's lives . . . it's astounding.

Lay low and allow your W to think you don't suspect anything anymore. Keep reading and posting here--when you've reached 51 posts, you'll gain access to the Investigative Tips forum, where you'll get a lot of good advice on how to go about obtaining evidence.

Hang in there. You're not alone.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By the way, can someone suggest that any of us users (including new ones like myself) have access to the
I-Tips forum, even if we haven't reached 51 posts yet? I think we could all use the information- better sooner than later? How could we suggest this to the web site moderators?

I know how you feel, Gullible, but I doubt that this policy will be changed. I felt the same way when I first came here, then was surprised at how fast I reached 51 posts. I'm glad they have this policy now--though I remember being *so* impatient with it when I first came here.

Keep posting. You may be surprised, too, at how fast you'll get there.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the quick response JitterbugRag I appreciate it.

I hear you. At this point she seems to think that there is nothing else to say and that we should get on with our marriage. I intend to lay low and keep an open eye for anything odd. I am sure that if she is continuing whatever it is she will change how they communicate and contact each other.

One of the things that she wanted to change was for us to carpool to work instead of taking separate cars. I don't know if she feels she this is giving me a sense of security or if she has an alter motive. Maybe controlling and knowing where I am.

Anyway it is a real struggle to cope with what I percieve as lies. Some days are OK while others tend to get really hard.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JitterbugRag - thanks for the second post. I'll have to keep posting. Having that info could prove to be really helpful later on.

Obviously she knows that I am on to her so I think that she is laying low right now. If there really was or is something going on don't think that it is going on right now. She has made herself very accessible to me all day long through emails and ride sharing. The only avenue would be during her lunch time.

I do know that she appears to be working on getting us together. She is definately trying. She wants us to do stuff together, go places and just be togehter so we can be closer. That was one thing that was lacking prior to my discovery... due to her non willingness.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks another try. I am trying to get to get on her account now. I did check her phone the other day and she hasn't deleted all of the calls since that one time several months ago. She may have gotten smart and is just deleting the ones that she wants.

I am going forward in the marriage with some trepidation. I totally believe that there was something going on and that if she won't fess up to whatever she did I am just going to look to split up, I can't go through the rest of my life with this on the back of my mind. Life is not meant for that.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gullible - you are so right, polygraphs are not the absolute truth. I think that my W compartmentalizes he life (check in the healing library for more info on this) where she will take an event put it into a box seal it and completely forget it. So they could possible pass the poly.
That is why I think that if she cannot come clean in the next few months I am going to tell her that unless she admits what is obvious to me I am going to look to separate.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gullible and Needing, do you notice mood swings...could also be bipolar as they tend to become hypersexual.

I wiil say it, again:

My WH gets OFF on "duping delight" and would pass ANY lie detector test; he's as cold as a snake.

Yes, jitter, I do feel so much better now.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife - no mood swings in quite a while, especially since I confronted her with my findings. She has been supportive as long as I believe what she tells me... which I cannot since I know otherwise.
Mine has an additional issue... alcohol, every night she is sneaking vodka into her tonic water, if it is not that it is wine.
There was a time going back over the last 2 years or so where she could be in a good mood then the slightest thing would get her all pissed off. Lately that seems to have disappeared.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

all - last night we discussed the issues again. I told her that I have been trying to believe what she has told me but I just cannot. I told here that I have tried just about everything that I can and no matter what I do I no longer feel that I can trust her words and feel that she has been deceiving me. She stated that she could not be married to someone that did not believe her words.
We are now starting to discuss separating.
Of course this is all my fault because I really don't want to stay together.
We'll see where this goes.
Comments anyone.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's called blameshifting, Needing. She doesn't want to deal with reality or be responsible for her actions, so she turns it around to be your fault.

Don't buy it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The veterans on the board would probably suggest that you implement the 180 at this stage. You can read about it in the Healing Library. I've been doing kind of a modified version of it for a while now, and it really does help me stay sane in this crazy situation.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamlife- I totally noticed mood swings for many years! I have often questioned whether my H might be bi-polar, narcissitic personality disorder, or have a split personality! Also, whether he may have depression since he has an anxiety problem. Since he started taking an anxiety med., the mood shifts aren't as bad, but he can still be unpredictable based on the situation. Also, he's not supposed to drink (the original therapist who gave him the meds said he was "self- medicating.") but he does anyway! It's scary, because I think he may also be a chronic or habitual liar because he doesn't just lie to me- he tells dumb lies to other people for no good reason. Since reading a lot of web site postings, I've noticed a correlation between people who drink and lie / and/ or cheat- those who also have addictive personalities...they always need some type of adrenaline rush because supposedly their bodies don't make enough dopamine.

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Suspicious  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needing the Truth- your wife sounds alot like my husband! He also has a drinking problem! At first, I thought that was our main problem, but now I realize it is just an addition to the bigger problem- lying and trust (or lack thereof!) My H used to put wine in my water bottles and take them to and from work, and who knows when he drank them?!! He also would hide beer and liquor. Very sneaky about it... He claimed that his unwillingness to tell me things about where he was going was because I'd give him a hard time about his drinking (yeah, drinking and driving drunk!) Now I think there was more to it...I think the drinking and lying lead to other bad decisions, like cheating (probably with other drunk women.) Sounds like our SO just make up excuses to excuse them from having to give any real explanations- or better yet- from being ACCOUNTABLE. I think they just can't bear to be accountable for their own actions, or admit to their huge character flaws.
As for "compartmentalizing", you mentioned it, and so did someone else. They somehow separate themselves from situations and events, or maybe they just store them away, or actually believe them after they have told the same stories over and over!! Also, about your phone records...if you do stay together and try to R, suggest that you get a "family plan." You sign up for it, you have control of the acct. and you can check usage online. It is also cheaper. That is how I first start noticing the same number come up alot last summer.Unfortunately, now that my H is onto that, he isn't using the cell to contact whomever anymore. So, if you are able to do this, track the records for awhile and don't say too much to her until you can follow up on the phone numbers. Reversephonedetective.com is a good web site for that. It also has a good deep web crawl (which I was able to get more info. from.) Also, if your W is already telling you that if you don't trust her she wants to leave, it seems very fishy. Sounds like the perfect excuse for her to leave and maybe be with the other person. You both definately need to be committed to going to a MC if you want to try to stay together and work things out. I tried this with my H and he ended up getting into an argument with the MC and didn't want to go again. Since returning from a trip with one of my friends (female), I found some condoms missing, so I have a whole new drama going on. He says he used them while "pleasuring himself" which I don't believe, because he's never done that before. So, my new requirement is that either he start going to individual counseling to work on his lying problem, or go to MC with me. We'll see if he does or not... Good luck and let us know what happens!

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Sad  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, one more thing... all of us that are "in the dark" want our SO to confess to us and tell the truth. From talking to others I know who have been cheated on and divorced, they have told me that their exes denied it for years...it wasn't until after they were divorced for a few years that their exes finally admitted they had cheated. So...we may never get the answers we seek until the others think they are "safe" to tell us- like after we're all divorced. Pretty sad state of affairs....

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
What?  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamlife- just read your post about those who lead a double or triple life- so true! I have often thought my H had a double or triple life. He has the "perfect gentleman/ perfect neighbor/ helpful & considerate" persona with most other people. He has the "fun, sexual, outgoing" persona when out and about town at restaurants and clubs, he has the "caring, sensitive, loving" persona with me when I question his fidelity, and then there is the "Monster" that crazy, scary personality that comes out after he's become sick of all my questioning and distrust, or it comes out when he has had too much to drink and doesn't think he needs to be accountable or answer any questions. Oh yes, and there is the "habitual liar" that can easily fire back answers to my questions that are outright lies. Scary how easily they can think of answers and say them with such conviction...These are the reasons why I have questioned whether my H is bi-polar or multiple personality, etc. Have any of yours ever tried to make you think that YOU were the crazy one for questioning them?

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
DOH!  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri- I can relate. I feel like after we tried to R, right now we're not even going to a MC (but we need to start again), so we are just co-existing in a "pack of lies." Sucks, doesn't it?Does yours try to make you think you're crazy, too?

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Question  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry so many posts today- feeling chatty about all this crap we have to deal with! I found the article about compartmentalization- scary how cheaters are really like serial killers in this way! I cannot, however, find the article about the "180." Can anyone tell me where to find it?

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot, however, find the article about the "180." Can anyone tell me where to find it?

It's in the BS FAQ. #11:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gullible - the article on the 180 is in the FAQ's in the Healing Library in the BS section.
Thanks for the good words. I need them now, it seems like we are going to do some talking tonight and onward. Not sure if it will be fruitful but at least we are talking.
I had mentioned a MC and she said that I should go because all of the issues are with me and that she doesn't have any problems. I will bring it up next time we talk see if she will consider.
The one thing that I mentioned to her was that if she wanted me to believe her story about the massage oil that she needed to help jog my memory as to where it came from and all of that. I figure that if I am really forgetting that we did use it instead of her and the OP then she should be able to provide me something. If all I get are "I don't knows" or vague responses I think that I will know that she is lying. I may be getting older but I would remember the smell of that oil and using it.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello and welcome, Gullible and Needing the Truth.

Needing, yes, it's blameshifting and gaslighting, trying to blame this one you for 'not trusting.' I was also told for years things like, "You're just determined to be unhappy," even while he was doing and saying hurtful things that couldn't help but make your average spouse unhappy.

And now, I still hear that the only ... I stress only... reason I don't believe him is because I 'just don't want to.' He hasn't explained quite how that works, how a woman just wakes up one day and starts asking questions about quite normal behavior in a quite normal husband, and absolutely decides that no matter how normal it all is, she just doesn't want to believe her life is that blissfully dull, and there must really be something funny going on. My life was quite interesting enough that I didn't need to create drama.

So, yes, Gullible, he'd rather try to make me think I'm crazy, make me doubt my own judgment and perception, than admit to whatever he did. Honestly, with #3, it may be so 'mild' as that he had himself convinced (with the help of my idiot 'friend') that I was without a doubt divorcing him, and decided to stroke his ego with the office tramp, and it felt good and he didn't want to give it up. But don't tell me it was 'nothing' and I 'made it up.'


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
cantheal
♀ Member
Member # 19857
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H admitted, on Valentines Day this year, to a one night stand that happened during our first year of marriage. However, he refuses to admit to the two plus year affair I know he had. I have more proof than any person would ever need, yet he still denies, he still lies, he still breaks my heart.

I wish with all my heart that he would wake up one day and realize that our marriage will never be whole or right if he continues to lie. At this point I don't even think I would be mad, I can just picture myself sighing, Thank God, I'm not crazy, theirs nothing wrong with me. It would be such a relief!

We have such a good marriage, such a friendship, doesn't he know how much better it could be if he would just tell me what I already know?


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Omaha
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