On another note:
It seems that no matter how I present it my W will not admit to it when it is so clear that something went on. We had a big blow up the other night and both decided to sleep in separate rooms and eventually I would move out. Then the next night another family drama (unrelated) that we have been coping with brought us both to tears on each others shoulders. That night she was going to sleep in ther other bedroom but later came back into my bed. The following day she was so nice and was telling me that she loved me (which she rarely does). I am lost as to where we are. She just doesn't get it that she needs to come clean on what went on before we can really work on reparing our marriage. Being highly emotional and using each other for support on another issue doesn't make our issue go away.
It is like walking into a house that you feel was just made for you. The rooms are open and just the right size, it has been decorated by top designers, everything is perfect, you could never ask for a more perfect home....to bad the freaking foundation sucks. Can the foundation be fixed, yes with the rights tools. As can our M, with honesty.
Will he ever admit to the A? Doubtful. Will I be able to live this way forever, no I can't and he knows it. I believe he is scared to death to tell me the truth out of fear of losing me. I just can't get it through his head that he is losing me anyway.
[This message edited by cantheal at 12:47 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
Also, one more thing... all of us that are "in the dark" want our SO to confess to us and tell the truth. From talking to others I know who have been cheated on and divorced, they have told me that their exes denied it for years...it wasn't until after they were divorced for a few years that their exes finally admitted they had cheated. So...we may never get the answers we seek until the others think they are "safe" to tell us- like after we're all divorced. Pretty sad state of affairs....
I just can't get it through his head that he is losing me anyway.
I found some condoms missing, so I have a whole new drama going on. He says he used them while "pleasuring himself" which I don't believe
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
Right now, I've got a great Mind Fuck scenario going with psycho via our e-mails. Oh, its just rich!
(I might even find out more utilizing this "method", too).
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.
He passed and I am no longer in the dark! They are extremely hard to fool with today's increased technology and I did a LOT of research first and prayed about it.
However, my ultimate test was that WH was VERY against taking one while I was still "in the dark". This time he went willingly (big clue!). I suggested one 10 years ago and he made me feel so guilty about it and used the "they're unreliable" game that I backed down.
This time I simply told him, if any of the answers come out differently than you expect, I'm willing to pay for a second test from another administrator. I was so proud of myself for doing it and holding my ground. I wish I had demanded one 10 years ago. I knew I would not be able to work on R unless I went through with it this time.
I can't tell you the relief I feel. If you read my profile, I spent 13 YEARS in the dark.
Important lesson I learned- don't suggest it until you have information and a contact person. I don't think WH thought I meant it until I walked in and said Monday at 2pm OK for you? If they call your bluff, you are allowing their sick game to continue.
Hugs to all of you.
Repeat after me-
"I'm not crazy"
"I'm not crazy"
I have suggested this to my FWH who initially said he would do it. (I think he was trying to call my bluff). However, when I told him the exact questions that I would want answered (which could possibly show the extent of his lying and deception ie getting in contact with her through messages/other people before and after A)he blew up and said he isn't doing it again.
I told him that his response was my answer and we've left it at that but I'm hoping someday he will relent.
We are reconciling and, although it would seem illogical, much closer than we've ever been. He is remorseful. He goes absolutely nowhere without me (we have our own business so work together) and he has basically given me control over everything but still not knowing is killing me.
Surviving Lies...When you say that you are not longer in the dark and that he "passed" the polygraph, do you mean that he was telling the truth and didn't do anything, or that he came clean about an affair? Just curious, because I had told my H I wanted him to take the test, but I'm still not sure about the reliability. You do have a good idea though- take a second one with a different person if you're unsure about the first. I hear you're not supposed to let the person know about the test too far in advance, though, because there are ways to prepare for and pass it!
You probably don't want to give too much notice, but you can get all kinds of information online about how to "pass" but guess what- the test administrators have internet, too! You will also want to read these sites so you know what to look for.
survivinglies--how did you go about finding one? Everything I've read says that the key to getting accurate results is an experienced polygrapher. The process sounds brutal! How stupid am I that I give a damn how brutal it is for *him*? I mean, like the past five (or 15, or 20, for all I know) years haven't been brutal for ME?
I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe this would, at the very least, be a catalyst to shake things up. As it is, I'm stuck . . . stuck in a web of lies.