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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am still playing "P.I."
Psycho is giving me more & more info when he writes his 'autobiography" on his days off...complete with names, dates, places!

I'm sorry you are hurting...it IS like a festering ulcer.

But, I'm glad you have new IC for support & direction.

(((((huge hugs)))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, September 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad SI is back up because "twitting" was such a DRAG.

How is everyone doing?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey dl--I had to look up "twitting"--I didn't know what it meant!

A couple of things on my mind. One is that in reading through the posts, especially lately (it seems), there are a substantial number of BSs out there whose WSs continue to lie and deny, yet the BS proceeds with what they know to be the truth, even without concrete evidence.

I wonder why I can't seem to do that? It's exactly what I need to do, but I find it so, so difficult. I'm working on that.

The other thing has to do with SI being down. And don't get me wrong . . . I'll be eternally grateful to have found this place and I'm glad it's back up and running . . . but I also found that, without access to it, I stopped thinking so much about my sham of a marriage and became more focused on other parts of my life that are, at this point, more important (i.e., being a mom, my work). I've been pouring all this energy into obsessing about my marriage . . . and for what? It's completely unproductive.

I want to hand this problem straight back to my H. He brought it on--he can deal with it . . . or not, which is the more likely scenario. But I feel closer to being finished with the whole mess, tired of feeling helpless . . . and hoping I'm on the right track here. ??


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
happyending
♀ Member
Member # 21009
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can def. relate to the stories on this thread. I feel like I have been forced to become my own PI and it consumes so much time and energy- I just want to know the truth and get on with my, our?, lives. I just feel like this elephant will always be in the room and sometimes it is smothering me.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome happyending to our thread.

JR~ When SI was down, some of us communicated via myspace, facebook, or twitter.
Yes, I completely understand about the "obsessing" of which you speak about, too.
However, I am EXTREMELY CONCERNED, more than ever, in these frighteningly bad economic times, that WH is "keeping me in the dark" about our finances so I really need to know ALL that I can.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am EXTREMELY CONCERNED, more than ever, in these frighteningly bad economic times, that WH is "keeping me in the dark" about our finances so I really need to know ALL that I can.

Yes, it seems that financial infidelity often goes hand in hand with the other kind. Same situation here. H has always lied to me about how much money he spends. Talk about a sense of entitlement.



Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel like this elephant will always be in the room and sometimes it is smothering me.

Hi happyending, and welcome, though I'm sorry you find yourself here. I live with several elephants in the room myself--a whole herd of them, actually--so I understand the frustration.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, September 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent WH an e-mail about how his IRA is holding up since my monthly support comes from this source.

He wrote me back with the usual figures and that it was doing fine.

Well, I want & need VERIFICATION!

He's been such a LIAR and unless I see it with my own eyes I just cannot trust/believe him, & I agree with JR about Financial Infidelity going "hand in hand", too!!

Well, today, I asked for the PW into the online IRA acct so I could see this for myself & was met with silence.
(Oh, he replied to some other inane article I'd sent, instead.)

I asked him, AGAIN.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna be a Pit bull about this. He's not shaking me off so easily this time. He does not get to do this to me when we are M, the creepy bastard!

How many are met with silence or avoidance when being direct about PW's?

Oh, I think I'm losing my mind even posting such a silly Q. here in this thread --of all SI threads!

I feel those elephants crushing me. *GASP* Why, I can barely breathe!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 1st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're probably right, dream: posting this in General might get more responses.

*Everything* I ask my H is met with lies, denial, and avoidance. If I asked him for a PW, he's give it to me, but he'd cover his tracks, so it wouldn't mean anything.

Have you talked to an attorney about what your rights are concerning your H's finances? That's the only thing I can think of trying. . . .

((dream))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JR~ I have talked to several attorneys and I have no recourse except to D/Legal Sep which is NOT a favorable decision at this time for me. Well, I guess that I could always rip his hair transplants off very *s l o w l y * till he reveals some of His Many Secrets, I suppose.....


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Torn_Up_About_It
♂ Member
Member # 21084
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is so me. My WW refuses to admit there is anything wrong with her relationship with OM. He is "just a friend" and he is a "very good friend." He "understands what she is going through" and "gets her so much"

I've heard it so many times. I'm just about done with it.


Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other.
Thomas Fuller

Me: 34 BH
Her: 34 WS
1 amazing, wonderful, perfect son-2 years old
D-Day- None yet, she won't admit she is doing anything wrong


Posts: 81 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Soon to be moving cross-country
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 6th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

question - if you have no more info to go on and still no definite proof, what do you do about sex? Hope he/she is clean?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
UnbearablySadd
♀ Member
Member # 18150
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it seems that financial infidelity often goes hand in hand with the other kind. Same situation here. H has always lied to me about how much money he spends. Talk about a sense of entitlement.

Yes, when I added up what my WS spent on his affair last year it was over 10k. This from a man who said it was "too expensive" to buy me an xmas gift and that "we didn't have enough $ to buy the kids any" (I did anyway!).

Now he complains he has no money. Although he was on my accounts since we married in 06, he somehow kept forgetting to add me to his..

Finally I forced the issue.

I still can't figure out where his money goes or where he gets more.

Now I am thinking there is another PO box and cc's I don't know about and probably another checking account too...

You know the old adage: "Follow the money."

In this case, I think it is true. For one thing, people show their priorities on what they spend their money on.

In my case it's kids' college tuition, food for them, etc, and rarely any on me beyond roof over my head..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGQd8M5t4Ao&NR=1

it's all about James Hunter, now ;)

And here's the 180 link:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=256092


Posts: 1379 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: This side of R that side of S
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone else here who is completly in the dark? Don't know who the other woman is or was. Don't know where they went or what they did. Don't know how much money was spent. Don't know who else knows about A.
I'm totally in the dark. Anyone else?

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Kodi, me.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DL-Sent you a PM

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

K~ responded.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not real active on this thread, but Kodi, your post hit me square between the eyes. I know very, very little. He even says his LTA OW is dead, so it doesn't help that I have her name. With his deception abilities, he could have used her as a convenience, you know, to hide the identity of his true OW. His frequency with the pros went from "a couple times a year for a couple years" to "every other month or so for 8 years". Then it went to "none while I was with OW". So yes, I am in the dark, but 3 years out from Dday, I'm pretty sure I'm not getting any more detail anyway.

My first IC asked me a question once "does it matter if it was 1 or 50? does it matter if it was $100 or $10,000? It was all betrayal, he lied, he cheated on you, he's still lying. Look at his character not the actual acts." So that's what I've had to do.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, yes. it matters. but i know i have to get off the OCD *wondering* about it all....
but still, my mind just goes there every now and then, but since i kicked him out its become less & less.

I think that I was a rat terrier in a Past Life.
Because I just *ache* with wanting to KNOW & its so very difficult to shake that loose or not explore all those tunnels.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, October 9th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

believe me dl, I know. But I don't need to know any more which girls, which hotels, how much money on each, how old, blonde, brunette, redhead, age, weight, "specialty",whether he had favorites or was a repeat customer at one particular place, the names of the places. All information I begged for at the beginning.

Now I have to think "Who's benefiting from this discussion and who's going to get hurt?" I'm the one who's going to hurt. What do I give him? A stroll down memory lane?

I was literally killing myself with the questions. Blood pressure, diabetes, heart palpitations, weight gain, wrinkles!

There is no way for a right-thinking, moral, reasonable, sensible person to make sense out of an affair mentality. The term is making sense out of nonsense. It just doesn't happen for us.

I'm struggling today with questions, but I won't ask him. And it's a big one about how he reconciled something he did with the person he is. He wont' have an answer, he never does. And all that will do is add to my frustration and anger and depression.

SO who am I hurting and who am I helping? He gets to be angry and distant and make me feel worse? I get hurt. No, I'm protecting ME. How he lives with himself is his problem.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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