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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 9th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, thank you, that post really helped me a lot!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a choice here. If you want the truth then you need to ask for it and not accept bullshit answers that don't make sense.

I'm not saying you should leave him, but why would you continue to allow him NOT to tell you the truth? 2 years have passed and you still haven't held him accountable?
He's getting away with it because you allow him to lie to you.

My H is SA and the lies didn't stop until I quit accepting them as answers. Most of the time I could see right through his lies and it wasn't until I confronted him on him that he started to tell the truth.

Also, make sure you are emotionally ready to handle what you might hear. The truth can be very painful
and you have to be in a good space to take it on!


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a choice here. If you want the truth then you need to ask for it and not accept bullshit answers that don't make sense.

I think it's safe to say that everyone here *has* asked for the truth. Asked, pleaded, cajoled, and demanded. And if we accepted bullshit answers, we wouldn't be here. Am I missing something?

I'm not saying you should leave him, but why would you continue to allow him NOT to tell you the truth?

You can't make someone tell you the truth, and I'm not sure it has anything at all to do with "allowing" them to lie. We can control ourselves and only ourselves. We can choose how we respond. We can refuse to engage in conversations with a liar, which is what I've done. It hasn't gotten me one iota closer to the truth, but it has returned to me some semblance of control over my own life (and saved my sanity, er, somewhat).

He's getting away with it because you allow him to lie to you.

He'd only be "getting away with it" if she believed his lies. She doesn't. So I'm not sure what, if anything, he's getting away with.

Most of the time I could see right through his lies and it wasn't until I confronted him on him that he started to tell the truth.

About all I can say to this is that you're very, very fortunate. Your WS told the truth when confronted. Wish mine would!

Also, make sure you are emotionally ready to handle what you might hear. The truth can be very painful and you have to be in a good space to take it on!

There isn't a single truth my H could tell me that could *possibly* hurt me more than his lies, gaslighting, and denial have hurt me. In fact, I'd say it's rapidly destroying any hope I once I had for my marriage. I could have gotten past the A (or A's)--it's the lies that have done me in.

And that . . . is the truth. . . .


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 12th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jitterbug and Dreamlife, and everyone else who has joined this post! I haven't posted for awhile because I have been overwhelmed by work. I just had to catch up with you all today. What is "twitting?" Jitterbug- I can totally relate to one of your posts where you said when SI was down it made you put less energy into obsessing about what your H is or was doing and the problems you have with him. I had a lot more time to read and post over the summer, and now I don't. Since I have been more involved in work and my own things, I have felt much healthier. Those of us here- who are still in the dark- spend too much time and energy trying to get the truth, and we are hurting ourselves. I think we have to set limits on how much time and energy we invest into this pursuit, even though we want and need to know the TRUTH. I have to believe that in the end, the truth will always reveal itself. That is what I hope, anyway. A poster who is newer to this thread- Kodi- asked if there were a lot of others who were totally in the dark. To Kodi- I think most of us who are on this thread are in that position!
As for me, I don't feel my H is up to anything right now, but I can't be 100% positive. One thing we can't spend most of our time doing is dwelling in the past. We have to concentrate on the present and the future. I am reading that Ekhart Tolle book "A New Earth." It is about being more present. Any new occurences for me? Sort of. At the end of August, my H decided to take off somewhere after work (he gets off at 3 in the afternoon), not call me, and not come home until almost 2 a.m. ! He conveniently left his cell phone at home, so I couldn't reach him, either. He had he pulled the same crap just a few weeks before, and I had told myself and him that he wouldn't do that to me again- I was tired of sitting home alone wondering what he was doing, who he was with, or if he was even alive! So, I found it a slap in the face that he did it again a few weeks later! We had just had a big argument about that a few weeks prior! When he came in at 2 am that Friday night, he acted like it was no big deal! He said he had "just gone to visit his cousin." I had said to him, "don't tell me- your cousin doesn't have a phone?" I could go into all the details, but I won't. He was just disrespectful and inconsiderate as usual! I am not one who believes "an eye for an eye", but this time, I had enough! We had plans for the very next day to go to a concert that I had invited my H to and bought tickets for. He really wanted to go, so I was surprised that he would pull that crap the night before. Somehow, he thought he was still going! He had to work early that day, but was supposed to get off early to go with me. Long story short, I finally decided to give him a taste of his own medicine! I blew him off! He tried to call me many times that day! I didn't answer the phone. My brother went with me to the concert and I stayed over at his house.
The thing is, even though I blew my H off most of that weekend, he still knew where I was! We were supposed to go meet up with my brother and stay over at his house. So, it's not totally the same, because when he takes off, I don't know where he is or who he goes with. Anyway, that was Labor day weekend. Everything blew up. We had a huge argument about everything and my H actually wrote me a note saying he wanted a divorce, and he left for a night. Of course, he came back, and things have been better (overall) since then. So, maybe he just needed to feel what I felt everytime he takes off and I can't get a hold of him. I don't know that I resolved our issues, but sometimes a man just needs to feel the same crap he puts his wife through! Not that I would ever cheat to make him feel the same thing, but seriously, they are clueless as to OUR feelings. I will let you guys know if anything else "weird" comes up. Take care in the meantime- most of all, make time to do the things YOU want to do, and take care of YOURSELVES!

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the one who's going to hurt. What do I give him? A stroll down memory lane?

Weepy, thank you for that post. It really hit me square between the eyes You are so right! I'm glad I finally see it that way.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
ConfusedInAK
♀ New Member
Member # 21032
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am only kind of in the dark. He admitted the details of one A, and admitted to having several others, just no details.

So it has been a week since he said he would tell me everything, more than a month since I found out about the first A.

Now he is saying that it is too hard to come out and give all the details, that it is going to take time. I am trying to work with him, but I don't know how long he expects me to wait.

He doesn't even think that he should tell me everything, because he says it isn't going to make things any better. I just feel like if we are going to work things out and I am going to try and forgive him, I need to know what I am forgiving him for.

Should I just back up and let him tell me in his own time? Should I give him a date that I need to know by?

It is hard because we are still living together, sleeping together, in some ways it is like nothing ever happened. I am not sure if I am just being over emotional because I am 7 months pregnant or if my feelings are valid. I am so CONFUSED!!


Posts: 18 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Alaska
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just feel that some people know or have solid proof about their H's A but I have only my gut feel and what little information about OW #1 that I could dig up.
I know finding out will probably hurt but feel it my right as the BS to have some of the details.
Why should other people or family members have and know more then I do?

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I've been away from here awhile and shenpa1...do you not think I've done EVERYTHING in my power to get at the truth?!
What do you think we should do here to get the truth? Taser the WH? Whaaaaaat???!
I don't see you offering any concrete answers, really!

And, I don't like these Black/White scenarios in order to *extract* The Truth.

Its not an either/or sitch.

Frankly, your post was NOT helpful to me-- nor from what I've read here now, to quite a few of us in this particular thread where we are going through this insidious torture.

drip...drip...drip...

ETA:

Welcome to ConfusedinAK!

I feel that when we have The Truth...then we can allow ourselves to heal. Nothing can be worse than to be gaslighted/manipulated/lied to.
Are you in IC or MC?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:12 PM, October 13th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the issue for me and probably many others now is "would we believe the truth if we heard it?" Compounded by the fact that we're getting THEIR truth, probably not THE truth anyway. Or answers that they think we want to hear. I know my H has been through enough therapy to answer "correctly" even if he doesn't believe what he's saying.

I honestly can't tell when my H is lying any more. I don't know the truth and I never will. He knows I want it, he knows he's not giving me what I want and he's willing to live with the consequences, even if it means divorce. He's that stubborn.

And most of the time I just don't care any more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think we should do here to get the truth? Taser the WH? Whaaaaaat???!

Taser the WH! Now that's what I call a concrete idea!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, October 13th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know the truth and I never will. He knows I want it, he knows he's not giving me what I want and he's willing to live with the consequences, even if it means divorce. He's that stubborn.

And most of the time I just don't care any more.

I hear you, weepy, on all accounts.

And you know what I say about just not caring anymore?

GOOD!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Lifeline
♀ New Member
Member # 20955
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I'm new here and not even sure if I'm welcome here.

I am a FWS but I think my husband is now having an EA and working on a PA.

The problem is, when I confessed my A, I told him during a couple of many, many emotional discussions, that I would understand if he had a revenge A. Now I can see I don't think I can sit back and watch this develop while still seducing him, trying to reconcile and be the woman he deserved all along.

He has said a few times, "What about me? When do I get what you had -- strange sex with someone who flatters me, etc."

So I don't think he wants a revenge A, but I do think he feels like he is owed this.

What should I do? I have proof of the EA but so far it doesn't look like they have been able to hook up.
In the meantime, I'm working so hard at R -- is it even possible to R if he is looking at an EA/possible PA?
Thank you for listening.

And I hope I'm not causing you all to trigger since I am a (f) WS -- I apologize on behalf of other WS who have hurt you.
Thank you again.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: East Coast
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I just back up and let him tell me in his own time? Should I give him a date that I need to know by?

Hi ConfusedinAK--sorry you have to be here, but welcome.

Since your WH has come clean about some things, I wonder if showing him "Joseph's Letter" from the Healing Library might give him enough insight into how you're feeling to prompt him to tell you the whole truth?

As for backing off and letting him give you the truth in his own time . . . I'd say the ball is totally in your court. This is your decision, not his.

Geez, this and seven months' pregnant to boot. . . .

Hugs to you, dear.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should other people or family members have and know more then I do?

Kodi, they *shouldn't.* But I know how you feel. There are any number of people who could fill me in, but they choose not to. I'm sure this is in part a feeble attempt to spare me pain. Before I found SI, I probably would have had the same attitude, frankly--or felt that it wasn't my place to get involved in such personal issues.

Unfortunately, most of us are on our own in trying to find our ways out of this dark place.

But at least we've got each other.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lifeline. I can only speak for myself, but as far as I'm concerned you're welcome to post here.

That said, I have no idea what to tell you--and you may get more informed responses from the WS forum.

Are you and your H in marriage counseling? It definitely sounds as if the lines of communication need to be blasted open here to prevent you both from further pain.

You might also encourage your H to post--or at least read--this forum. The subject of revenge A's comes up often in the General forum, and people don't mince words in saying that it only makes everything worse.

Hope this helps. . . .


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Geez--I'm a real chatterbox this morning, aren't I?

Good to hear from you, Gullible! I also got a lot out of "A New Earth." A lot of wisdom in staying rooted in the moment. I can't do it worth it a damn, mind you, but I do try.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, October 15th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lifeline, welcome!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I wrong to tell my H he can't go out of town to work?It would be different if I had the truth and could trust him but I don't and never will again. He uses work as an excuse for everything including his A's.
There is plenty of work for him in this area.

Once again he's trying to make me look like the bad guy.

I'm trying to be strong and not let him get away with this bullshit.
Any advice?


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi,

JMO, but I don't think you can make someone be faithful by keeping them close to home or, for that matter, by any other method. You might be able to prevent an encounter or two, but that's not addressing the real issue--addressing the real issue takes a lot of emotional work, honesty, and commitment.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi~ he's GAS LIGHTING you!

Are you going to IC?

Its great for strength, support, validation...no, you are NOT crazy!

Hang in there!

This is a very Crazy-making sitch -- but, no, you are NOT crazy.

Have you tried gaslighting him back? I enjoyed it immensely...LOL

(((((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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