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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JR I don't feel as I was using it to control him because I know very well I can't. It was my plan to draw my line in the sand and see if he would step over it.
Of course I got the quiet treatment all week but for once I got my way.(for now)
DL-He uses his job as an coverup for his doublelife and I'm finally standing up to him. Believe me there's bigger issues but I had to start some where.
Wish I knew how to gaslighting!!!
I saw an IC after D-day for a few months. Maybe it is time to go back.

[This message edited by Kodi at 5:46 PM, October 19th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, October 20th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi, I didn't mean to say that you were trying to control him at all--sorry if my post came across that way. What I was trying to convey is that I don't think, in the long run, that A's cease to be an issue until the WS takes action to deal with the problems within themselves.

JMO.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JR-I appreciate your inpute. I just feel I need to start stepping up to the plate for me and this is a beginning.

I don't know that my H will see the problems within hisself. He is selfish. He has gotten better but still has a lot of me me me!!!


Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like that taser idea! Just so happens I know someone who has one....

Seriously, my f?wh has NOT given me the truth, and it is not because I 'allow' him to lie to me. I call him on his lies, I tell him it's obviously Bs. Sometimes, on small matters, he'll admit it... and go right back to shrugging off the little issue of destroying his own credibility and acting like it's my problem I 'refuse' to trust. On the big things, he just keeps saying he has told me the truth and I 'don't want to believe it.'

He read Joseph's letter (is that the one about the puzzle pieces?) and yelled at me that I *do* have all the pieces and I just don't want to believe it.

His marriage is steadily disintegrating before his eyes. He has lost all marital privileges because he continues to lie to me and keep his secrets about her. He kept it up and has been removed from my bedroom altogether. He's still sticking to his ridiculous story (and actually, his story has changed so often that I don't even know what his story would be this week if I were to risk him yelling, by asking again.)

So no, he's not getting away with anything. But the fact is, I cannot force the truth out of him, and it's becoming quite obvious to me that he values his secrets with the skank more than he values a relationship with me.

So be it.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jeeeez, capri...just when
I was gonna lend you my Taser!

Kodi~ you know how he does not give you a "straight answer"/truth? Well, do it back to him...its known as The Art of the Mind Fuck.
Yes, do try IC.

Sorry, folks, I just got back from another long trip, I'm exhausted, very frustrated/wicked, & cross.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
doublesmom
♀ Member
Member # 21334
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never gotten admission, apology, nothing. He just told me one night "I am done" when I asked done with what he said "us, its over" and walked out. he moved out 9 days later and in with his affair partner.

He said he did not want a serious relationship at this point in his life. WTF 6.5 year later and two kids with me, two kids from his first marriage, and he walked out on his first wife for another woman too (I did not know that until he left me).

In his world "life goes on" infact he asked me "what the hell is evryone so upset for" the kids were devastated, he dosent talk to any of them, his oldest son wants nothing to do with him at this point, none of his kids like her, but we should all get over it because "she is in my life now" and we aren't

He has shown no remorse, NOTHING. and that is tough to move on without. But I dont have a choice, I have to.


Me(BS):39 Him(WS):39
D-Day: Jan 21/08 Divorced: Apr. 20/09
Twins: b/g 8yrs and two stepkids
KINGSLIME kicked another one to the curb!!!

Posts: 1157 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 23rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doublesmom, I am so sorry you are going through this.
You are better of without this Creep in your life, but still it hurts so much to be discarded in this callous manner.
My WH did say he was "sorry", but he would not tell me any thing; and he was not sincere about the apologies, either.
He was just mouthing garbage.
The worst thing anyone can ever do to me in a relationship is LIE.

He sounds seriously demented!

((((((huge hugs))))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is so sneaky that now he doesn't lie but will twist the truth or not tell me anything at all or just tells me what I want to hear.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just so very, very difficult, kodi.

Been there...its torture.

Have you made an appt. to go to IC yet?

(((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
StillAmazed
♀ Member
Member # 19961
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 24th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ahhh..I didnt know this thread was here!

My husband would rather seperate and live at his ofice than tell me he slept with his OW 2 times when he lived with her for 4 months happens he admits to the only two times I have a bill for a hotel and x rated movies.

My father told me today "of course he lies, no man wants to talk about what he did. YOU know what he did and you had him move home. He's sorry. You either forgive him, or you dont." I asked my father if telling the truth is important.. His answer "of course, but YOU know the truth, he really IS sorry...you know life is going to be harder without him..blah blah blah"

Oh my! SO frustrating...I feel like im the only one who thinks what I was is reasonable...

No. I think my family KNOWS what I want is reasonable but they have watched him refuse and they just want my life to go back to normal so they want me to settle and hope he will be the "nice guy" they think they know.

That he is willing to walk away from me and our children instead of telling the truth and acknowledging the A for what it was (real), tells me more than anything about what my future was going to be.

Im so sad but also relieved to be done showing him evidence and trying to convince him of the black and white...the denials and round and round was exhausting.


"The life and love we create is the life and love we live."
--Leo Buscaglia

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2008
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our sad little thread, StillAmazed!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, StillAmazed. Sounds like you're married to the same man as most of us are. (Their motto: "Anything but the truth!")

I understand how you feel when your dad tells you to let it go, etc., too. The friends I've told who haven't been through this give me the same advice. It doesn't help. At all.

Hang in there. I find my need to know lessens as time goes on--unfortunately, so does my hope for my marriage.

Trust and honesty are the very *least* we should expect from our life partners. You're not being at all unreasonable for wanting that. Does your H lie about other things, too?

Hugs,
Jitter


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 26th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H doesn't lie about anything else, nothing! He is straight shooting...except everything about his LTA with the ditch pig.,


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
StillAmazed
♀ Member
Member # 19961
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A very good question: Does he lie about anything else...

I dont know. Until the A, I took everything he said at face value...now I go back and wonder what about my marriage all these years was true or not...A's touch everything, dont they?

He thinks treating me like a "queen" should be enough...how can you treat someone like a queen, when you lie to me? I dont know, but im beggining to give in and think that being treated wonderfully is going to have to be enough...its been 8 months and he isnt budging...Im going to have to "let it go" after I heard the whole truth anyway...

Yep, im caving.


"The life and love we create is the life and love we live."
--Leo Buscaglia

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2008
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't call it caving SA, it's just being practical. My ah is the same way. He is constantly telling me I'm wonderful, beautiful and sexy. Tells me I'm the love of his life, the only woman he could ever love. The sadest part, I don't believe a word he is saying and won't until he fills in the blanks.


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazed, my WH signs every e-mail with "luv u" & a buncha xxxx...tells me these very same things...yet it smacks of *gross* insincerity.
Because HOW can one lie & LIE and withhold "info" from the one they (supposedly) "LOVE" so "madly/badly" (his phrase)??

Words...are cheap.

I need action & ANSWERS!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, November 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, well, if I keep digging, I might dig myself right out of the dark and into the light.

I got some more information today-- not saying how on a public forum, since fwh has been known to find my posts before. But either he knows and reports to his friends absolutely everything on my password protected laptop and all my plans AND they're all going along with it AND they're all amazing actors and liars... or I can finally believe him that it was not a pa. (Of course, he refuses to call hiding a woman for 13 years an EA, either, but that's a different story....)

But that's the sad thing about lies upon lies upon lies, isn't it: As incredibly unlikely as that first scenario is, I don't feel 100% safe ruling it out. A part of me wonders right now if that's actually possible, even though my logic tells me it is a chance in a million.

So, it's a very strange feeling, after all these years, to feel that he is probably telling the truth on a few of these major questions, like whether it was pa or not.

I made a vague reference to it today to him, and asked if he understands that it was impossible for me to believe him when he told me this, after years of lying about her in the first place. He said he does, but honestly, I sometimes think he's incredibly dense and has a relationship IQ somewhere below zero, so I'm not sure he gets it YET. I told him what a lot of grief for both of us, because I was no longer able to take his word for anything.

I wish I could talk more about it. I desperately want feedback, but as I said, he's been known to track me down before, where I go to get help dealing with this stuff.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sentcha a PM, capri. . . .

Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is our wedding anniversary.
The Florist Van pulled up yesterday and handed me a gorgeous arrangement.

WH's card read thusly:

"Thinking of you. Hope you are feeling better, I LOVE YOU!!! Thanks for all you do, you are the best!

Love,
Psycho "

Creep still keeps me *in the dark*-- yet sends me fancy shit like this?? UGGGGG

[This message edited by dreamlife at 1:20 PM, November 2nd (Sunday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Dreamlife. It's maddening, isn't it?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
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