[This message edited by sohurt32 at 1:34 PM, September 20th (Monday)]
There is a lot of good information in the Just Found Out Forum and the Healing Library.
I am so sorry for everyone else out there who are still in the dark. I really hope someday the entire truth will be known. I believe it will be freeing.
My story: (sorry, dont know all the lingo yet). My hubs and I have been together 9 yrs, married 3 1/2 and friends for 12. First marriage for us both. Have a 16mo old baby. My hubs has always been jealous and insecure but comes off as the life of the party and very suave to most people. (I am shy and the sweet/good girl). He has always had a binge alcohol problem and only drinks about once every 2 wks or once a mo, but gets trashed and can't stop and then gets annoying/flirty/and we fight! He has an addictive personality, but never did anything else. I didn't take the drinking as seriously as I should b/c he only did it once a mo and could go without. Anyway, my half-sister is 13 yrs older. She is a flirt and very outgoing like he. She is a presc. pill addict and in and out of sobriety. She was doing well, so I thought. She came over w/her kids (10,11) to hang out a month ago. It was just a family game night, no drinking. She has always flirted w/my hubs and he back, but she is very aggressive w/it, but makes it out to be a joke. I told her it bothered me, and him to (oh and she has txtd him a lot, but usually just jokes, fwds, etc). I told him I didn't like that. Never had a problem in the past w/any cheating, (that I know of). Only flirting and he admits that he is a flirt. AHnyway, that night, caught my hubs sneaking liquor and he was getting drunk and annoying/flirty. My sister was over and she was sober. (After all this happ. I find out that he has been also taking pres. pain killers to get high and had NO idea). This was the 2nd time he mixed pills w/the alc. and my sister SECRETLY gave him the pills!!!! Anyway, my neice comes running upstairs (I left them downstairs to take a shower). She is upset and crying and when I ask her what's wrong she says that my hubbs and her mom were being flirty and that they locked themselves in the bathroom for a few mins. (She is a worrier b/c the kids were put in foster care for a short time when my sister was really bad on pills). I didn't believe that it was what she THOUGHT. SO I told her, lets go downstairs and observe. My neice and I sat on the floor and my hubs was at the kitchen table with my sister and my stepson. He was DRUNK beyond belief and I was pissed all night and had a major attitude about this. Anyway, my neice grabs me and whispers "Look aunite!" I look and can't believe what they are doing IN FRONT OF ME> Well, he, I should say. He was using his foot and rubbing her leg w/his foot. I waited a second, feeling sick to my stomach, and looked again. He did it again. I couldn't hold back I said "WHAT THE F are you doing? to my hubs. He stopped quickly and slurred his words and said "WHAT? playing poker!" I then said to my sis "Ok, why in the hell are you just sitting there LETTING him do that?" She had a smirk on her face and said nothing. I told her to get out, called my parents to come get the kids and left w/my son to go stay at my sister in laws. We are still seperated. He SWEARS nothing else happ. and that it was the pills (he apologzies for hiding the pill use from me) and the booze and that he didn't remember or even know what he was doing. My sister wont' admit anything either just saying he has a problem and that I don't understand addiciton and that I OVERREACTED!!! I quit speaking to her. He and I are talking and seeing a therapist, he is going to 12 step program and also to a drug counseling place. He has seen a psychiatrist (has a bit of OCD) and also has a hospital assmt sched. this wk. Says he would NEVER cheat on me and he CRIED on the phone to me. (I have never seen him cry in 12 yrs). My gut says something more happ. (Also, another add to the story..my sis n law hates him and was so mad that I was upset. She said "i know some more to the story that may make it easier to leave." She said her hubby, my hubs bro in law, told her that before we were married that my hubs TOLD his bro that my sis gave him a BJ in the car one night. I couldn't believe it and I still don't. Confronted them both. She says NO WAY IN HELL, and so does he. I really don't think he would do more w/her, however, he did play footsie RIGHT in front of my eyes and never thought he would do that either(sober or NOT). I want the truth. I got cell phone records. Lots of texting...always from my sis first, but normal hours, and obviously I can't see the txts. He always ADMITTED to my sis txting him jokes, etc. I am so stuck. I have a baby w/him, I love him, I'm sick. I KNOW i would leave if I found out he freaking really did CHEAT w/my sister! This is humiliating to even POST those words. However, how can I know? I sure as hell can't trust THEM to tell me. My sis wrote a letter to my mom saying she did NOTHING to me and that I am stubborn and just overreacted and that my hubs is a good man and that I should stick by him.? I'm confused. Any advice?
I think you need proof of something before you do anything. Maybe consider a keylogger to get any proof from his computer (secret email accounts are usually a frequent occurrence) or a VAR (voice activated recorder) that you stick in under the seat in the car so you can hear any and all conversations in the car. How has he been talking with her aside from a family gathering?
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
WHY THE LIES? He was the one who told me last week he felt he was ready to move forward but felt that I wasn't ready yet because I was still asking questions and still getting upset. Well he had stopped showing me he wanted this so of course I wasn't ready! I immediately assumed he went back to his old ways where he didn't try at all and then I did all the work.
I wrote out a short letter I'll read to him sometime later this week I hope.
"I need 100% complete honesty from you in order to start the next step. Any secrets, lies, half-truths, anything at all means we can't move forward. Lies and secrets are deal-breakers for me. If my intuition tells me you're not being honest, I'm going to start doing the 3-strike thing- you have 3 strikes before I will basically leave you. Each time you lie to me and keep a secret from me is one strike. I'm giving you an opportunity to come clean about anything before I heavily consider starting the 3 strike system. If there is anything at all I don't know about or anything I've asked about that you haven't told me the complete or honest truth about (porn, msn, skype, contact with OP, anything else) please tell me now."
I don't want to make it sound like I know he has secrets yet, I want him to know I'm serious about not having any lies or secrets. I don't know if I should say I'll consider starting the 3 strike system after that chance to tell me anything or if I should just say I will start it as of then. I can follow through with my promise to leave him if he gets to strike 3. I think if we even get to strike 1 I will tell him I know about his msn account. Or should I just not tell him unless (if) we get to strike 3?
I'm sorry you're here but welcome to SI, a place nobody ever wants to be.
I have rewritten what I'm going to say and I have figured out when I'll say different parts of it but I'll wait to say the first part until we go to MC so that we have a safe territory for me to express that and I'm hoping MC will kind of intimidate him to tell the truth. When he sees my reaction is not of an "angry, WTF" reaction, I'm hoping it'll show him that if he's honest with me, then I'll be okay.
I think for NC and a baby, try considering kicking him out. Throw his junk in trashbags or just outside in general and change the locks, alarm codes, everything. Or if you'd rather wait to do that until you have proof, you could maybe stay in separate rooms and ignore him the whole time? It's never "just" anything.. One of the other members on here told me a quote someone else told her- the severity of the situations don't make one worse than the other because the betrayal still hurts the same no matter what. Figure out where you want to draw the line and what you're willing to put up with. I don't trust him and that behavior isn't necessarily good for a baby to be around. Think of your child and of yourself- it's perfectly okay to be selfish right now.
This whole conversation started because I gave him the chance to be honest yesterday and he lied. SO I called MC today to set up the intake assessment and I called him to see if he was available for that day and time. He said on Tuesday he would to IC/MC and then today he asked me "do you really think we need this" and I said "yes, we need a safe place to talk, we need to get to the bottom of why your affairs happened and I can only do so much alone" and I'm just so angry he continued lying! I finally told him if he lied and kept secrets, thats a strike and 3 strikes means I'm leaving. Rather than saying "what can I do to prove to you I've been telling the truth" (even though I know he hasnt) he just kept saying I've tried and go ahead and count the strikes.
It has been years since my husband confessed to long term "partying and E/A's but has denied P/A's. I do not believe this for many good reasons. I plan to get a poly but I fear he will back out at the last minute. I just know he is lying.
He has aso been unwilling to discuss details about E/A's prior to the last one, which was the most significant one. He spoke of that one because it was the one he confessed to and he was very traumatized at the time. He was willing to talk so I would not leave but now is not so afraid that I will leave. I have not left and I do wonder if I would follow through on such a threat. We have ben married nearly 20 years and I am older and starting over seems so overwhelming. He is now N/C and treats me well. It is my issues that are the problem.
It is so hard to be in the dark and to feel as if one has not been told the truth. There is zero tust for him.
Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?
I actually feel a sense of relief. I mean I really wish I had heard it from him in the first place AND I wish he had told me himself when I FLAT OUT ASKED HIM about this girl in particular on DDay 1 but I have a sense of "whew, my gut is finally able to relax" I mean that's two months of it working and that's just after DDay. My gut had been working hard quite a bit before DDay which is what finally lead me to snoop and that's how I found his little trail of clues he left behind. I'll send him the thread on TT the day before because we go to MC. I'm hoping that gets him to confess without either me having to ask him to tell me everything or me having to say after that that I know everything. I planned all along to confront him in MC because I need a safe place to do it in and I'm hoping the MC can kind of referee if need be. Funny thing- we're going Monday for the intake assessment, where they find out why we're there. I told WBF tuesday (before I knew the rest) that he needed to be the one to confess why we were there because he never even outright confessed to me on his own what happened. He only confessed because he knew he had been busted. I'm curious if when he tells MC why we're there if he'll only mention what he thinks I know or if he'll really take the TT thread to heart and confess it all without me even having to say you have once chance to tell me everything. I have it written down so that I know how exactly I want to ask it if I have to (and I have a feeling I will have to ask it)... I'll let you know how it goes after Monday. I told him this past Tuesday that I was undecided if I wanted to stay because I knew he had been lying about even small stuff- porn, secret accounts, etc. and he told me he hadn't been lying and I finally told him every website and the order he visited them in and he knew that meant I put a keylogger on his computer. It's like seriously... I told you I knew the truth and you continued to lie... What the hell goes through his brain? Or does NOTHING go through his brain??? I think he's still in the fog BIG TIME.
They are not YOUR issues, they are HIS issues. He should be completely honest with you until your gut tells you all is okay. I listened to my gut and finally went the source and got the truth. The sad thing is, there was even MORE truth than I thought but now I know and my gut can relax now. Go with your gut. If you feel a polygraph would be best for you, then go for it. If he refuses to take one, say "By refusing a polygraph, that tells me you have something to hide. I'm giving you TWO chances to tell me the truth right now. If my intuition still tells me you are lying after the second chance, I am/you are leaving and I will contact an attorney. Let me give you a minute to figure out how you want to tell me the whole truth" and then follow up on it. I say two chances because after the first chance you can tell him if your gut is still telling you he's not telling the whole truth. He should be open to talking about any details you want. That would mean remorse which would mean he would be completely honest and would do whatever it took to get back in your graces and to re-earn your trust. Always go with your gut. Don't ever second guess it. If it's speaking to you, don't tell yourself you're stupid. YOU ARE NOT. Your husband is though. And you should consider following through with any consequences you set up for him. Feel free to PM me if you want to/need to.
We started mc last night and you will never guess? The 35 year old twit (should be an A in there) wore a tube top, no bra, boobs joggling all over the place! They almost fell out and rolled all over the floor! I mean come on! Yes, I am speaking about the therapist! I called her today and asked her to PLEASE where clothing next session as i cannot afford to find another low fee counseling center, althugh I am trying to reach the director to get a different counselor! She knew before we came in that we were coming in for infidelity issues! I SWEAR, A TUBE TOP..IN THE WINTER!
Is there no common sense left in the world...God have mercy!