I greatly value your collective wisdom and perspective.
WH had "a friend" lenghty phone calls and texts with MCOW discovered on phone bill. He denies to this day that it was anything more. While he admitted (five yrs ago) the lying was wrong. He blamed me for not allowing him to have friends. Patently not true.
Fast forward several months (still 5 yrs ago) and I discover a secret / hidden FB account. He refused to open it (I could only see he had one "private" friend") and deleted it. But promised it was old, unused and that would never be necessary again because he was done with the hiding of his innocent friends.
Fast forward to last month... His behavior is eerily similar to then. Staying up late on computer. Snapping at me and boys. Blaming me for ridiculous things. Finally he says he wants a D. I was devastated but thought he was up to something (see posts re: Denver trip and hiring PI)... So resigned myself to S.
Then I discover ANOTHER secret /hidden FB - this time he tries to deny and then I find a way to view his friends (but no msgs-grrrrr.)
He finally admits it is his because of my debilitating jealousy (again untrue!), minimizes it by saying they are all old "friends" from HS not GFs. And blameshifts saying he's done with this juvenile detective shit.
When I proceeded to take the boys to a family barbecue w/o him - he freaked !!! Said we are now going to have the ugliest D in history and he hates me???
Shouldn't I be mad?
Do I have to pretend happy family until he finds an apt?? Why is he pissed at me? Because I caught him AGAIN?? He completely dimisses this line of thought - saying he did nothing wrong. He actually has a 2nd FB where I am listed as spouse with NO friends. And I actually felt sorry for him!!
The other "real" him has 136 friends (a ton of cute blondes) and I am BLOCKED even from making a friend request. Yet there's nothing wrong with this, right???
Have you checked out the NPD thread here?
DD was oct 09, he never admitted PA, he even denied the texts til I told him I had
the ph bill printed out. I let him stay under the conditions NC, MC, and if I saw any more of his bad behavior, I would know it was due to OW, again, which would mean I would be sone. Well he never did MC, still protective of phone. There are periods of time when I think we are good, then I feel him pulling away. Sex is non-existent(he tired) still shaving the package, still possessive with phone, and starting to accuse me of cheating (again) My gut is screaming (again) Rewind a a couple of weeks. I got into his phone and found a log in page for myspace. He isnt into the social networking, so Im assuming its just for OW, so he can talk to her, without me tracking. A few days later I looked again and the entire history was erased.
I have told him Im not happy with M and I want more of him. His first comment, what do you think I;m doing, messing around on you, your crazy!!
So Im back on the crazytrain, is he or isnt he. I guess either way, Im lonely and he doesnt care I hate this shit, I wish he had the balls to just say he doesnt want me.
[This message edited by horseluvr at 3:20 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]
Since then, he has refused all contact with me. I don't know where he's living (he tells mutual friends not with her, not sure if I believe that or not); what he's thinking, what he's doing. Don't know what's going on between them. He told his boss (she is a coworker) that there is nothing going on; definitely don't believe that. He told friends that I lied about them kissing, but I know what he told me. I didn't embellish when I told people what was going on - I told them exactly what he told me, and even left out some parts, because I didn't want everyone in his life to hate him.
I told my IC a few weeks ago that "not knowing" is so hard, because I am forced to make assumptions, and I can only assume the worst.
[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:40 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]
And sending you all huge hugs.
This is a torturous time!
And here I am again.
Funny thing is, it's my own damn fault. I told him in a fit of anger (OK, several fits of anger) that he should just go find some other woman to f*** because I really he really doesn't seem to like me very much, and yet still for some reason wants to be sexually intimate. Anyway, I ended up telling me that if he wants to wander I don't care (why we're even together at this point is a long story involving kids and jobs and blah blah blah), but he needs to tell me because it effects safer-sex precautions and whatnot.
And he has. I don't think they've done anything yet (though... really... there have been any number of opportunities, so maybe they have), but I found a text on his phone from the other night that she was at her house, waiting for him, wearing her "lacy black panties." He was too drunk (as far as I know... he had left his car at home) to go over there. He was still passed out drunk when I read the message; I'm sure it's been deleted by now.
Now I have to decide if I care. Honestly, the deceit is what bothers me. He's said before, in other (non-sexual/relationship) contexts, that he really feels that if there were absolutely no chance at getting caught, he'd do any number of morally dubious things. He just operates on a reward-punishment level for pretty much everything.
I'm kind of, in a way, fine with him sleeping around, in that I just don't think our marriage has much worth in that area at this point. If he hasn't cheated on me six ways from Sunday with several women, it's not for lack of trying.
Trying to sort out fact from fiction.
Are you sure you don't care? Or is that what you are trying to figure out?
It sounds to me (obviously I do not know you AT ALL) - like you DO CARE very much - but have been so hurt that you would prefer NOT to care.
So, are willing to put up with his shit for other reasons... No judging here. I'm staying for my kids and financial reasons right now, so I know.
But... I also still love my husband. (ok, so, most of the time, I do. )
I also know that if I did not, it would not be fair to kids or myself to stay.
But, it cannot be good for your sanity to "allow" him to fuck around. Self esteem. Etc.
Are you in IC ?
if not, please consider it.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!