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Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
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SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442 |  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012 |     |
And btw, what does the answers "I don't know" and "I don't remember" mean when your spouse replies to your questions about his behavior regarding his indiscretions? Can this actual be the truth? He really doesn't remember? Or is he lying? I can't tell.
Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012 | debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962 | | Posted: 8:54 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
<And btw, what does the answers "I don't know" and "I don't remember" mean when your spouse replies to your questions about his behavior regarding his indiscretions? Can this actual be the truth? He really doesn't remember? Or is he lying? I can't tell.>
They mean "I don't want to tell you." He is lying. I speak from the experience of one who spent years in the dark, but when the light finally shone on all the facts, I saw I wasn't the crazy one after all.
Posts: 495 | Registered: Aug 2011 | SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442 | | Posted: 11:10 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I figured that. Maybe I just want to believe him so badly that I look the other way. How do you get your spouse to tell the truth??? I have yelled, been nice, have gone to counseling with him and he still says, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". What the heck????I have gave him books to read, wrote him letters, talked to him until I'm blue in the face. But he won't budge. I know it's probably because what he is hiding will HURT me, but not telling the truth is too and it's hard to move forward. He just doesn't get it.[This message edited by SGRBEET at 11:11 AM, May 10th (Thursday)]
Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012 | MyReturn2Me
♀ Member
Member # 34352 | | Posted: 12:52 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
((SGRBEET)) as hard as it is, and as crazy as it sounds, the 180, found in the Healing Library, works well.
That and patience. He'll talk when/if he doesn't feel cornered, if he talks at all.
From what I've learned here at SI, some of them never talk. And really, do we honestly know if they're telling the truth anyway?
Cheaters lie!
Me BS 50
Him WS 53 Chicken shit,cowardice,serial philanderer.
Married 17 yrs, Together for 20 ~ DD#1 10/17/11, DD#2 10/23/11 10/23/11 - Sent him to live with his mother.
DD#3 1/20/13 - effing liar <<smmfh>>
Posts: 225 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound | oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365 | | Posted: 1:14 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I have yelled, been nice, have gone to counseling with him and he still says, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". What the heck????I have gave him books to read, wrote him letters, talked to him until I'm blue in the face. But he won't budge.
If a person is bipolar, there's a chance they are telling the truth and don't remember what they did or said when they were in a manic stage. All too commonly, hypersexuality appears with the mania & mania doesn't always mean happy, happy...but can mean grandiose & grumpy or worse.
Bipolar was something I didn't even think about on my first D-day some 14 yrs ago. Now I've been on the hunt to find this diagnosis (or more) for my on and off, now off fWH. Everyone I've either talked to or consulted with thinks he fits the profile, but the one Psychiatrist he saw during mania & blew smoke signals during the appt. After I talked to the man, he said yes, my input would have made a big difference.
Anyways, I throw that out there for all of you, because of the hypersexuality state bipolar brings. My daughter recently has been diagnosed & she admits to both the hypersexuality and the forgetting of events & facts. Affairs alone are addictive on their own & even without bipolar there are also other personality & mood disorders to consider.
About the best advise I could give someone, having been through this too many times, is don't rugsweep the first time. If they can't learn the lesson & become remorseful, & it happens again, something bigger is an issue & it may be better to move on to a better life. It's never too late.
FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!
Posts: 3144 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona | SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442 | | Posted: 1:38 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012 | |
I did try the 180. It didn't work. He just was nicer, etc. etc. etc. He tried really hard and that is what is so difficult for me. Sometimes I want him to be angry and mean to me. I would just divorce him if he wasn't trying and was a jerk. But no more truths came out of his mouth.
I also scheduled a polygraph and cancelled (the examiner even said they are only 80-90% effective). I didn't want to put either of us through that when there was a chance that it wouldn't give me the 100% proof I needed to get out of limbo.
oldtimer97-you may be on to something with the bipolar/mood disorder. I made him see a psychiatrist as a condition of R and he said he was diagnosed with a unspecified mood disorder (but doesn't fit typical conditions to meet any standard one) and ADHD but H is on meds now and he is much more stable and committed to hear me and see me than he ever was in the first 32 years of our relationship. I tried over the last 15 years to get him to see someone for mental health and he refused. I guess now with the fact that I might leave him, he has decided he needs to go? I guess that's a good thing. I don't know if it really matters to me at this point, but I know he has been a much better person and father to his kids because of it. And we also have a son who has dealt with the same kind of mood disorder from birth and was just diagnosed. Some of his mental deficiences may have caused him to seek out SA type of behaviors.
That being said, we are going back to counseling so maybe there I will be able to get him to tell me the whole truth. I just know that is what it holding me back. How can I begin to trust without knowing he has told the truth? I know I can't!
[This message edited by SGRBEET at 1:50 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]
Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012 | dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142 | | Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2012 | |
I have been having the worst case of summer SAD due to the heat so have not been posting a lot right now -- plus *Lurker Alert*! 
For our particular thread here, there are 2 very critical things I am so glad I did, esp. since WH was being extremely secretive about our finances:
Install a good key logger...one you must pay for like eblaster. Get the Top of the Line.
Pop out the old Hard Drive & replace with a new one. I took the tower of our XP to a tech shop and told them I needed this done as per my atty's instructions for a pending legal case. I had a copy also made of the old HD...just in case.
The original HD is in my D atty's office.
At this point, I don't give a rip who he screwed, but I will be damned if he is screwing me, or the IRS, financially.
So sad, too bad. 
I am not a techie at all and many SI folks have really helped me over the years in the I Forum since WH has an MBA plus is a computer programmer, etc.
Just doing these 2 things & SOON should really help illuminate the darkness, promise! 
~WH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~
Posts: 25085 | Registered: Sep 2005 | millionpieces123
♀ New Member
Member # 37885 |  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2013 | |
Hy, everyone! This is my first post here on the forum and just wanted to thank everyone on this thread (read through it all) for being so resourceful. After reading through this thread I've realized that my WH is actually sociopath, sex addict and pothead. He confessed everything but I needed the "why" and I believe I found the answer. However, I'm still kept in the dark. He has everything password protected and get this - I have never knew how much he makes throughout our whole married life. I always knew the number close enough but never the exact one. Not that I cared. I've trusted him but now , I wonder how much of OUR MONEY did he spent on hookers. He says he stopped but how would I know? I don't have any access to any of his accounts. All I have is his word. How can I reconcile w/o him being open and honest about everything. Am I asking for too much? I guess those who don't have anything to hide, hide nothing. I can only wonder what is behind all those passwords.  [This message edited by millionpieces123 at 6:35 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]
Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years
Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012 | somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970 | | Posted: 11:41 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013 | |
..a response to millionpieces123..
..i see you made your one and only post here way back on Jan.6..
..hope you are still reading here and getting advice and comfort..
..yes, you are certainly being kept in the dark, both finacially and in the truth department.
..your WH is totally disrespecting you as an equal partner in this marriage..
..he appears to be a dominating and controlling type, whose agenda is to manipulate you and still get all the hookers he wants.
..are you protecting yourself from sexual contact with him..??? have you been STD tested?? do not allow him to keep you fooled and naive..
..do you have a lawyer?.. consult with one.. soon!..
..confide in a trusted friend.. (if there is one to be had out there?) 
..i looked on this thread because i had been kept in the dark for 40 years before i finally got the truth..
..no, you are not asking too much.. you deserve truth, honesty, integrity and respect, not to mention the love that is supposed to make the other things all worth while!!
..if he can't invest those things in you, then he certainly isn't worth keeping..
..sending out hugs of support and hope you can get to a happy place in all this heartbreak  
smy [This message edited by somanyyears at 11:52 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 65
Her 62
Married 40yrs (together 45)
18 yr LTA with bf
Posts: 3346 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs | millionpieces123
♀ New Member
Member # 37885 | | Posted: 7:49 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013 | |
Somanyyears, thank you so much for your advices and support. I've been STD tested some time after DDay. I guess I should repeat it. Also, I have someone who I trust and who I can confide in ( WH might be lurking, so I'd rather keep the relationship with that person to myself). And I have this forum here, which provided me with such a valuable info. However, my financial situation now is not the bright one since I've moved to another city because of his job. Just before DDay we decided to try for a baby (when the move happened) so it seemed normal to prepare financially and in every other way to have a baby. We don't have a child. Now, I'm still unemployed with this huge burden on my back. Still in limbo, still in the dark. One good thing though, I've decided I don't want to obsess over him being with who-knows-who.What I know so far is good enough for D, if I want to take that path. So, I'm not gonna obsess but I'll protect myself using some of the advices from this thread. Sending support and hugs to all of you still-in-the-dark out there somewhere.
Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years
Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012 | somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970 | | Posted: 8:43 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013 | |
.. glad u r doing ok..
.having a child can bring two people closer and be the difference in staying or leaving..
..sadly, a child can also bring extreme pressures to the relationship that is already under stress ..and can make matters worse, thru no fault of the child!!
..if you are expecting..congratulations.. i wish you all the best for you and your little one
..this journey often takes much longer than we would expect or ever imagine
..hope you can find the ultimate happiness you so deserve..
smy
trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 65
Her 62
Married 40yrs (together 45)
18 yr LTA with bf
Posts: 3346 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs | millionpieces123
♀ New Member
Member # 37885 |  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2013 | |
Smy, thank you so much for your support and kind words. It feels very good to post here. Very therapeutic. So happy that I've found SI. I feel much better than when I JFO. However, there are still so many unanswered questions. He just expects me to continue living like nothing happened. He still wants to have his "privacy". Well, it doesn't work that way. I need the truth and will get it one way or another. I can't even imagine how it must be for you to be kept in the dark for such a long time. Sending support and strength your way.
Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years
Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012 | | Topic Posts: 832 | |
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