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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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SI Staff posted 8/28/2007 16:46 PM

For those that have personally dealt with this particular issue.

father of 4 posted 8/28/2007 17:16 PM

Thanks so much for this thread! I know that dealing with this is especially difficult. When a man discovers that his wife is cheating with another woman, the pain of infidelity has an extra dimension. One is also dealing with self esteem issues and massive confusion!

Searching for people in the same boat as you when trying to deal with this is like trying to find a needle in a haystack! Hopefully this thread will represent something akin to a much bigger needle!

If you discover that your spouse is bisexual or homosexual, and infidelity is part of the mix, whether confirmed or suspected, hopefully this will be the start of a place where we can find each other and share our common experiences!

Thanks again to the Mods for this thread!

dreamlife posted 8/28/2007 17:38 PM

Thank you, Mods!

fo4, you worded it PERFECTLY.

When a straight spouse gets socked & shattered by tgt (the gay thing)...its even more than "infidelity"!

How does one beat or top something like this? Go into R?

Add a few fistfuls of personality disorder...& one is going NUTS!

I just thank God we never had any children.

Hopefully, all the members who have PM'd me over the past year can now come out & feel free to post here about "tgt".

My self esteem was already lousy from all the infidelities, but the bi/gay ISSUE just sucked me down a black hole of utter despair that I cannot begin to describe & into the ether.

I wasn't certain if I...was...ever...coming back "whole".

Coupled with ongoing Secrets...& 2 subjects WH simply will not discuss (I spoke with him 2X today & it was very cordial): money, & sex...its akin to banging one's head on concrete.

Its horrible feeling so used & disrespected!

But, with ongoing IC, I have regained some clarity & my new friends are really helping to rebuild my once flagging self esteem.

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 12:06 PM

I remember the feeling(s), too...when he told me...and I wanted to take a SHOWER...why, I felt like I'd been raped!

Probably not really the right context, but in time I think I'll be able to write & express myself in a more clear & concise way about this...
Ultimate Betrayal! Ugh!!

After all, I could NEVER grow or have the right male "equipment" to ever truly *satisfy* WH, could I? I could never exude that male hormonal everythings that WH was ATTRACTED TO (so he could paint his toes red for another bi/gay man's attention/love & all of THAT). Its just so convoluted, really.
I identified with how Princess Di had been a sense.
I was not the Royal "brood mare", but I was the straight W he could parade about with.
And, this made me furious!
He was only thinking of himself...& how he'd look to family/friends/job & promotions. Creep!

father of 4 posted 8/29/2007 12:53 PM

You begin to question everything about yourself!

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 13:00 PM

ohhh, just so TOTALLY!

I'm just glad WH was not in politics...I don't know how those wives can handle THAT!

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 15:26 PM

You know, WH was always "joking" around about "doing" his MALE M boss & stuff like that...I just thought he WAS kidding around...I mean, how many STRAIGHT MEN even joke around about having sex with other guys?
(Not a LOT, I'll bet! Damn!!)

WH was doing this on a DAILY BASIS during our long distance M on the phone & it got OLD fast...but clueless me...I thought it was just related to his OCD...

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 15:51 PM

There are literally MILLIONS of these SAME GENDER M & A's happening...

Hey, oh, halloo!

Anyone else out there?

nitwhit posted 8/29/2007 15:53 PM

Yesssss... I'm here.. You found me!

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 18:49 PM

Hiya, Nit!

nitwhit posted 8/29/2007 18:50 PM


How have you been?

[This message edited by nitwhit at 11:34 AM, August 30th (Thursday)]

dreamlife posted 8/29/2007 19:15 PM

Great to see you are things going?

Did tb/gt have a similar "impact" within your M as mine did?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 2:51 AM, August 31st (Friday)]

father of 4 posted 8/30/2007 13:46 PM

Senator Larry Craig's wife could probably use this site and thread right about now!

dreamlife posted 8/30/2007 13:53 PM


I feel very sorry for their 3 children as well.

All of them.

nitwhit posted 8/30/2007 14:38 PM

What's with the Larry Craig thing? I haven't heard about that..

Yes I remember how I felt... so not only do I feel like I have to be on top of my game to be an attractive woman.. now I have to compete with men too?

I can't ever grow THAT!?

You feel .. well just ugly really... like my womanhood isn't good enough..

"Why did you marry me KNOWING this?"

father of 4 posted 8/30/2007 18:08 PM


Sen Craig was caught by an undercover cop soliciting sex in a men's bathroom at an airport. He plead guilty to a misdemeanor charge in the incident.;_ylt=Au_lDvzRnzL35HAUxuI.29ka.3QA

dreamlife posted 8/31/2007 02:50 AM

This is exactly how I felt, Nit!

No matter what I did (short of a penile implant or some apparatus) was never going to be good enough.

I enjoy being a woman, feeling like a woman, being admired & honored for my womanly attributes.

I think a lot of bi/gay WH do start off with very good intentions as they think that they CAN CHANGE...or--they think that we can "fix" them.

Ain't so.

Some even go to their graves unable to admit even to themselves about these same sex desires n attractions!

This is so incredibly SAD. Its Tragic!

I believe if society allowed them to just be M...they would not have to grab a Cover Wife or H, too.

But, then, like in any other situation, you'll always have the ones w/ personality dis-orders or who want a "free ride" as well.

Believe it or not, I have read of a very few totally MONOGAMOUS M with a bi H in a traditional M & raising children who are happy/well-adjusted. (Just as gay couples have; my cousin is gay, has been with his partner for over a decade, and they have adopted children who are thriving.)
But, I guess the question that begs asking is...will resentment build up over time?

Some W, who have not had sexual relations for as long as 30 years in a row (due to their H having no interest, ED, etc.) in these M blame themselves for not being "attractive" enough...when it has nothing to do with this.

Cannot fit a square peg in a round hole as that wise old saying goes.

I've been duped & shattered...and we still ride the bi/gay/asexual/straight & back to bi/gay, etc. "merry-go-round"!

Bottom line: deception & dishonesty is key to the other str8 spouse as the best years of his/her life are used up.

dreamlife posted 9/2/2007 07:15 AM

I was reading an online newspaper about the Sen. Craig lewd conduct incident...& I learned something:

'Displaying one's hand under the stall divider while wearing a WEDDING RING is much more "alluring"...'

Crossbow posted 9/3/2007 17:48 PM

How nice to see this group! Thanks, mods!

I'm one of the few, the proud (not) who have both an OM and an OW.

I knew my WW had dated a few women before we met. She dated men as well. Didn't really bother me, particularly (although I'm not the type of guy to think 2 women together is "hot").

When wife went nutso and had her A (disgustingly graphic cybersex A with a scumbag loser POS MM some 2000 miles away), she managed to work in a little makeout session with a lesbian "friend" she had known for years. They had never gotten involved before, as W had no attraction whatsoever to her.

Okay, so it ended almost before it happened. Okay, so after making out, W excused herself, ran to the bathroom, and washed out her mouth. Okay, so thinking about it makes my W physically ill - when she first told me, she had to go vomit.

Still really hits at one's sense of manhood, you know? Bad enough that she was blowing and screwing this loser POS online, but that she was sucking face with an ugly dyke too? How much can you damage one man's self-esteem, anyhow?

Thanks for listening to my vent/ramble.

Glad to see this group has been formed. We need a special kind of support for a special type of betrayal.

dreamlife posted 9/3/2007 21:01 PM

Crossbow~ do you know if any alcohol was involved?

Just wondering...

Yes, so very disrespectful and demeaning.

Talk about whipping out the rug named *special* out from underneath you!


Crossbow posted 9/3/2007 21:49 PM

Dreamlife, no alcohol, but she was in the grips of her first full-blown manic episode. There were fleeting moments during this time when she would wonder WTH was wrong with her, then her thoughts would race off somewhere else and she'd forget about it....

Crazy times for sure.

Mostly just feel special to my toddler and newborn anymore.

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