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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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dreamlife posted 1/17/2008 22:13 PM

Welcome PiQue!

Sorry you have to be here...

What does your gut tell you?

Facade posted 1/28/2008 19:12 PM

Such thing as a same-sex EA?

If someone is willing to PM me, I have some questions/need advice.


brokenapart posted 1/30/2008 20:15 PM

Sadeyes just posted her first post in JFO. I think she needs to hear from some of you.

dreamlife posted 1/30/2008 20:21 PM

Thnx, am on my way over there now.

dreamlife posted 2/15/2008 03:30 AM

Found another good site recommended in bonnie kaye's Feb. newsletter:

hugs, everyone

Torn2much posted 2/26/2008 23:23 PM

i am so happy that there is a place that i can relate my situation. Since my wife has found a woman lover, it has smashed my inner worth and value as a man. i know that ppl are saying its her issues at hand that made her stray, but its hard to say she is the only one with issues. I feel like someone just castrated me.

lynnm1947 posted 2/27/2008 11:10 AM

I have several gay male friends/relatives/close acquaintances. One, I don't have any more. When he was caught up in a gay sting at a shopping mall bathroom, he set himself and his car on fire. I think, to many old-school men, being gay is something they just cannot admit out loud. Imagine telling your grandmother. Imagine what your church members would say. That's how they think. So they carru on their real life in secret, probably knowing it will hurt lots of people in the end, but just not seeing any other way to survive. Sad. So sad. There had to be a tremendous amount of self-hate in my friend to do that to himself. If we could opnly all live in a world where sexuality is accepted, no matter which team we bat for. My friend's act made me talk to my children as soon as they were old enough to understand, and tell them that no matter their sexuality as they matured, Mum would be 120% behind them and they could always come to me and talk about it.

My cousin married a gay man without knowing a thing about it. Luckily, they reached an understanding early on. He now lives in Florida with his significant other (male), while she lives in Canada with hers (also male). They are friends, which I think took an awful lot of understanding on her part.

A male cousin is gay--a fact that just about destroyed his mother, who idolized him. She found out in a particularly nasty way. Two siblings had a little tiff at the Christmas dinner table. Son made some comment about sister's predeliction for marrying and divorcing. Sister retaliated with something along the lines of "at least I'm fucking the opposit sex. Unlike you." Male cousin (the sweetest person on this planet and my very favourite cousin) persevered with his family, though. Today he and his partner have been together 30-plus years--more than most conventional marriages!

Believe me, I had my doubts about my serial philanderer ex. He had a couple of "close" male buddies and something he said one night aboit one of them, while under the influence, made me go, "Hmmmmmmm......." I wonder if his constant searching for new women could have been an indication that he was simply trying to convince himself that if he could only find the RIGHT girl, he'd be "cured". One of his later girlfriends, whom I know, is convinced he's not completely straight. Doesn't matter to me now because we're long split, but I know him well enough to know that if he were gay, he'd be very reluctant to admit it, even to himself.

My heart goes out to those of you who have been subjected to marriage/ relationship with gay partners. You never had a chance. But try, try, try to look at it this way: In their minds, neither did they.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 11:11 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

dreamlife posted 2/27/2008 11:26 AM

lynmn~ I know what you mean...I understand...but since I have been on the receiving end of his *fraud* pisses me OFF to no end...he did not have to do this with ME.
We could have discussed IT prior.
He has a deceptive personality & is a very dishonest person...NPD...sociopathic...words uttered by his psychiatrist in front of me.
Which made my WH physically ILL.
His *mask* was torn my IC said.
He could NOT engage in "duping delight" with his psychiatrist!

Then, there are others, who are Sex Addicts & become very Jaded...they have sex with same sex in order to get a new/different kind of high...then there are manic untreated bipolars who are extremely hypersexual with anybody/anything...its not black-&-white.

Yes, I feel bad, from their perspective, that there is a penalty for being open/honest...for being who you are at birth.

My closest male cousin is gay.
He has been with his male companion for way over a decade. They are monogamous, responsible, & have *character*.

Torn2much~ welcome to our thread! I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
Are you going to IC?


[This message edited by dreamlife at 11:29 AM, February 27th (Wednesday)]

lynnm1947 posted 2/27/2008 13:23 PM

Yes, ma'am, shitheads are shitheads no matter what their sexual orientation!

dreamlife posted 2/27/2008 15:33 PM

ditto & Amen to that!

Facade posted 3/3/2008 19:25 PM

My H confessed 11 days ago to having an affair with another man.

He told me that day that he didn't want that lifestyle, hated what he was doing, and wanted me, our son, and our life back.

A few days later, not so much. "I'm gay. I don't think I can do this."

A few days later, "I have hope! Maybe there's a chance for us!"

Last night: he broke NC and talked to his gay OM.

Never mind that he promised he wouldn't talk to him...begged me to give him another chance. Never mind that he says OM was blackmailing him by threatening to out him to me and his boss.

Makes me sick.

dreamlife posted 3/4/2008 02:10 AM

I am very near "making peace" with all this bi/gay stuff, facade.

I just think of it as an"itch that needs to be scratched" -- you know, like sex addiction which he has consistently refused to *work on*.

It really helps that he is OUT of the house, too.

I am meeting others for "friends" & learning to Move On. I have to for my own good & peace of mind & joy & self esteem.

It feels great being validated by truly straight men who want to relate to a straight woman!

Hugs, everyone.

Facade posted 3/5/2008 18:20 PM

Dream, I'm glad you're getting there. You deserve someone who appreciates you for the woman you are.

I don't know if I can get there. One minute, H says he doesn't want to be this way, he believes he can change. And my spiritual beliefs dictate that change is possible. Regardless of what many people say, I think that programs such as NARTH and Exodus Int'l deserve at least a chance. But I can't do it alone.

And I still love him. And he's still my little boy's father.

dreamlife posted 3/7/2008 09:10 AM

Thanks, Facade.

Yes, in your case, you have a lot to consider...bonnie kaye has written some excellent books on the topic and has personally always answered her e-mails in a timely fashion...I cannot stress enough about that yahoo group for additional support & clarity: Wives of BiGay Husbands!

How is everyone else doing?


dreamlife posted 3/22/2008 23:03 PM

I know how difficult this can be, but I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter on my "pet" thread.

I'm getting used to spending yet another "holiday" ALONE (actually prefer his toxic ass away, now!) but it won't be like this forever as I'm enjoying the company of a few decent STRAIGHT MEN.

I'm still not doing very well in The Trust Dept., but hopefully in time, this will be changing.

I just have to say that taking the advice of my IC & family doctor by getting "out there" in the *straight male world* once more has been a very healing activity!

baby steps...

[This message edited by dreamlife at 11:04 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

father of 4 posted 4/14/2008 13:20 PM

Happy belated Easter to you too dreamlife!

Bumping your "pet thread for you" because we were both in similar boats at one point!

dreamlife posted 4/15/2008 22:49 PM

Thanks for coming by, fo4!

I get the feeling WH is going the other "way", for a change.
Its almost like he's trying to re-establish a *straight* type of relationship in our M once, again.


FeistyWoman posted 4/17/2008 15:36 PM

Hi all-

The first incident of my WH's cheating that I discovered involved a full massage with a man he met thru Craigslist. Lots of graphic emails to him and other men.

He says it was able to get the sex rush by thinking of ANY sex. He could get more replies from men because all the women were just porn sites in disguise.

So he went the route of meeting with a man 9 months ago. From the emails I found he was clearly thinking of doing more but doesn't seem to have gone back. He insists the emails were enough for him but admits he can't guarantee he wouldn't have tried again if I hadn't found out.

So - I don't think he is gay. I don't know if he really would be considered bi. He is definitely a SA --which became clear on dday#2 (which came 3 weeks after finding the emails). He admitted to 6 ONS all with women and a year-long arrangment with a (female) prostitute.

So SA is clearly a major problem. He has started IC and meetings.

Just wondering if anyone else had that experience--where the same gender experience seems like just another way to get the 'fix?'

Facade posted 4/19/2008 19:47 PM

Hi, Feisty,

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

As to your question about our own experiences, it's hard to say.

According to my STBXH, who always tells the absolute truth (NOT!), he did not start "looking" until he was almost 35 and started suspecting that I had been unfaithful. Apparently, after that, I wasn't worth the extra effort of his fighting his gay feelings.

Of course, these days...after he's admitted EVERYTHING to me, and I even have enough physical evidence to wallpaper a small that it's getting around town that he's been gay-bar-hopping, he's trying to maintain his image. He now tries to tell me it's all a lie, and if I tell anyone about it, it's slander.

Some people call this denial. I call it freaking crazy.

I'm no expert, but it's my impression that straight men don't get the "fix" from other men. But, then again, maybe SA is different.

What does his IC say? Have you considered MC with him?

dreamlife posted 4/21/2008 02:16 AM

Fiesty, agree about straight men do NOT seek out other MEN unless they are extremely *jaded* SA or hypersexual due to bipolar mania.
My WH actually called me, and his XW "Cover Wives" so people would not *suspect* at work or with in his family of origin.
He told me about a boy in 9th grade that he wanted to have an EXCLUSIVE friendship with.

brady12 posted 4/21/2008 16:31 PM

my ws told me today that i could have a girlfriend if i wanted, that way it would be fair because then we both could be considered having an affair. that's not the killer, it gets better. she wants me to get a girlfriend so she can "fool around with her"! GROSS. she just doesn't get it.

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