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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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brady12 posted 4/21/2008 16:31 PM

my ws told me today that i could have a girlfriend if i wanted, that way it would be fair because then we both could be considered having an affair. that's not the killer, it gets better. she wants me to get a girlfriend so she can "fool around with her"! GROSS. she just doesn't get it.

FeistyWoman posted 4/23/2008 10:32 AM


We are still working on finding him an IC with SA experience. He obviously has a lot to dig into.

I really don't feel the gay thing with him--he has always been extremely interested in me--in ways you can't fake:)

Could be bi obviously - although he says incident of the 'massage' with the man wasn't what he 'thought it would be.' It sounds like this was his attempt to break away from the ONS with women and find a very anonymous/quick sexual experience.

He went on AdultFriendFinder, etc and I saw his profile. He was definitely looking for women there -but couldn't really get that same NSA sex experience as easily with women.

A lot to figure out. The same gender thing seems like the least of the problem at the moment. Just dealing with the SA is overwhelming enough.

dreamlife posted 4/29/2008 18:32 PM

FW~ Patrick Carnes discusses this in his book, "Don't Call it Love". You might want to pick up a copy...this was the only book that *penetrated* my WH and actually had him talking to me for awhile.
I sent for the workbook which calls for rigorous honesty and he just refused to deal with THAT so he's still scratching "his itch" but he sure as hell isn't living in my home while he is.

FeistyWoman posted 4/30/2008 23:13 PM


Thanks for the suggestion. We both actually just got Patrick Carnes' book Out of the Shadows. I guess we will start there.

It was so sweet--both of us sitting on the couch, reading our book---NOT. Of course, as soon as I got up to put DD to bed, he put the book down. Not sure what level of commitment there is.

McKlain posted 5/1/2008 00:35 AM

My Wh too used Adult Friend Finder to get his fix and ultimately this was how he made contact with the one off sex encounters he had/ arranged. I am still in the dark as to how many of these indiscretions there were.

His AFF profileS make it clear that he is looking for ALL kinds of sexual encounters. He also has profiles on OutDotCom (gay website) amongst others. Shocking for me the inclusion of looking for other men, male couples, anal sex, and ts/tv (transexuals/transvestites)!!! I have begged him to explore this issue with his counsellor at some stage so that he can really identify whether or not he is gay. I know that if he is gay, but in denial then it will 'out' again in time. Like your situation; my WH says he is not gay - but that it was any kind of sexual fix.

I feel so thirsty for info. on SA so that I can understand WH and know the signs. I want to be the best support for him that there can be.

[This message edited by McKlain at 12:37 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]

FeistyWoman posted 5/1/2008 09:22 AM


Yeah--there is so much to sort through when it includes both men and women. So far it seems like my WH went the male route when he didn't have as much luck getting a local woman for NSA sex (although he obviously has no problems getting them for ONS when he traveled). I think he was less willing to risk being seen in bars picking up women. Getting sex with men anonymously through craigslist seemed easier and less visible.

We are just starting to learn about SA but I have read some things that suggest that some SA don't care who the sex is with-man or woman. Whether that makes them gay--or bi--I don't know.

My WH emailed a IT with SA experience yesterday so I am hoping that he follows through on that quickly. I am also very anxious for another perspective and more information on trying to understand all of this!!!!

Eternaloptimist posted 5/1/2008 09:45 AM

My husband has been in recovery since Dec. 06 (when I found out about a LTA with his assistant -- female; I didn't find out about the SA until June 07 when he finally told me about ALL of it) and I think we've been doing really well. But lately the same-sex thing is getting to me. I think it's just fear that I'm putting all this time and effort in putting our marriage back together and I worry that it'll come out that he's gay and it was all for naught. I did have dinner on Sat. night with two gay guys who left their marriages for each other. I think that's planted the worry seed.
In any case, the latest book by Stephanie Carnes -- Patrick's daughter, I believe -- for spouses of SA didn't help much. There's a chapter for those whose "straight" husbands had gay sex and it opens with the story of woman whose husband was just in denial about his homosexuality for years...then finally came clean when he fell in love with a man. Up until then, he was giving her the standard, "it was just sex" line. So...not exactly comforting.
Argh!! Just when I think my life is getting back on track, I get derailed by something.

dreamlife posted 5/1/2008 09:48 AM

Bonnie kaye who was M to a Gay H also is a therapist and has a great monthly newsletter & website.
I have to say that I found "Out of the Shadows" tedious, dry, long winded, boring.
However, "Don't Call it Love", gets right to the issues at hand.
Lastly, be on the watch for bipolar symptoms.

peridot posted 5/22/2008 21:29 PM

OMG, yet another thread I belong to! I wish this nightmare would end. It's been one surprise after another and I have taken all that I can take. We seperated, going through a divorce yet part of me was hoping that somehow we could work things out. I can't say on here how I know but I found some stuff yesterday and he is bi-sexual. We've been together for 10 years and have kids. How could he never tell me? How could I have been so stupid not to have realized? I have a gay friend so how could I have not seen that?

dreamlife posted 5/23/2008 12:50 PM

Huge hugs, Peridot!
(Please don't feel odd as I belong to so many other threads here as well! )

I was lurking on bimarriedmen last night & it, as usual, made me so sick & angry!

The bimarried guys giving each other "tips" on how to hide e-mails if The Wife happens to be looking over at the PC or is suspicious they are having an A (not to mention the massive dis-respect for the WIFE!!) M bi WH said his Big Problem now is coming home from screwing around with his BF and sporting a prominent hickey on his neck.

His BW now is wondering if he is having an A -- with a WOMAN!

I truly believe after lurking at these bi/gay WH sites, that THEY are the ultimate *cakemen*!

They want it ALL...they don't want to give up the status quo, the house, kids, white picket fence nor good ole home cookin' & cleaning, etc.

The BW is getting completely SHAFTED here! UG

dreamlife posted 5/23/2008 18:15 PM

We also have a tendency to blame ourselves for not seeing this coming or picking up on the various "signs" ~ please don't!

I have bi/gay relatives & friends.

Its a matter of character, honesty v. deception...anyone who is bent on "duping delight" can be smooth as satin in deception!

Mine was an uber Con man!

Love Fraud!!

Have you thought about joining that online yahoo support group for wives of bi/gay H?
Personally, I found it extremely helpful!

beagle lover posted 5/30/2008 10:21 AM

Hello everyone

I'm having extreme difficulty dealing with the fact my husband had a ONS with a man. He swears this is the only time he has been physically unfaithful. I have my suspicions that he is bipolar because he sure is hyper sexual based on the information he finally came clean to me with.
I can't kiss him because I picture him kissing another man. I am repulsed by him because he got herpes from this encounter (what a way to be punished for having a PE). How do I get over this?

dreamlife posted 6/2/2008 14:56 PM

hi and welcome, beagle!

What you are experiencing is entirely NORMAL.

Please read my profile.

My WH is also bipolar. Bipolars have a huge problem with hypersexuality! Anything goes!

Is he on medication?

Are you in IC?

Huge hugs!

NewLight posted 6/5/2008 05:46 AM

Just realised that my story should be in a different place. will re-do it again soon. Should have found this space a year ago.
You have lots of strength and I will give you some of mine

[This message edited by NewLight at 9:44 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

dreamlife posted 6/6/2008 09:59 AM

Welcome, NewLight!

And, thank you!

We can always use some new *strength* in this sitch!

savvyhippie posted 6/11/2008 06:32 AM

Hi to you wonderful people who should not have to belong here
I am not sure what is worse..... to find out that the man who promised me the world had started a PA with a woman weeks after he moved into my home and continued for nearly three years then in the last 4 years had 4 ONS with a MOTSS. You name it he probably did it. Yes, we can throw in unsafe sex too. So I guess I don't know who he got his Genital Herpes from. But does it really matter?

Dreadfully sorry that he caused me so much pain and it was me that he wanted all along but it took my discovery of his cheating to realise it?????!!!!!

After a year of painfully discovering all the stages I have to go through with out the rule book, I have made it out of the dark black hole though I sit near the edge sometimes.

What I do know is that am a terrific woman and she will only settle for a terrific monogamous man who will love the feminine, strong woman that I am.

dreamlife posted 6/11/2008 20:41 PM

Welcome SavvyHippie!
Wow, you really have dealt with a lot on your "plate" but I've no doubt about your strength and you will certainly be a very welcome asset to our thread here.

dreamlife posted 6/22/2008 18:58 PM

WH sent me an e-mail last night.
It was about a YOUNG male customer buying a product at the store & probably returning there today.
(*I could hear him almost panting*!)

Then, a week ago, he's back to his OBSESSION about finger nail polish on men!

Facade posted 6/22/2008 19:21 PM

Hi, everybody,

I haven't been on here in a while, I've been hanging out in the D/S forum. Welcome to all you new folks.

Dreamlife, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this crap.

The majority of concerns I have right now center on my little boy and how my SOB STBX is hellbent on exposing him to his new lifestyle.

Our child is only 8 years old and is not nearly ready to learn about the birds and the bees, much less about homosexuality.

WHY does he have to be such an @sshole??

dreamlife posted 6/22/2008 21:31 PM

Lack of *character*, Facade.

And, I'd be very, very WARY about his "new lover"...your son is only 8..."exposure" is not healthy as there might be ulterior motives/hidden agenda...NOT GOOD!! Huge *RED FLAGS* are FLYING to me!!!

(((((huge hugs)))))

[This message edited by dreamlife at 9:45 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Facade posted 6/22/2008 21:59 PM

Thanks, Dream...

Hey, can I ask you guys something? (Please keep in mind that I truly don't want to offend anyone, and I'm not generalizing...these questions are specific to my situation.)

STBX clued me in to the mindset of his new circle of "friends." From what he's told me, their philosophy seems VERY know, covering up for each other in their nasty little rendezvous, cheating on their wives and badmouthing them, and sharing their pathetic little stories about how their hetero marriages were just a big, bad mistake. Wah, wah, wah. They call us "breeders", or so I've heard.

Have any of you heard of this type of fraternization?

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