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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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SmileyBlue posted 11/24/2008 18:50 PM

so you guys think there is no such thing as an experimentation phase??

PiQue posted 11/24/2008 19:42 PM

[This message edited by PiQue at 8:12 PM, January 11th (Sunday)]

ThatWasFun posted 11/27/2008 02:47 AM

so you guys think there is no such thing as an experimentation phase??
I don't think so. I think men who "experiment" with men are gay, and trying not to be.

[This message edited by ThatWasFun at 2:48 AM, November 27th (Thursday)]

thetruthwins posted 11/27/2008 03:39 AM

I don't have a WS who is same sex attracted, hope you don't mind my responding.

I have met real true bisexual males. They are EXTREMELY rare. Most guys who say they are bi are semi closeted gay trying to be straight rather than true bi. There is a distinction. Here's a few things I've observed:

The true bi guys tend to be more open, mature, and evolved than fake bi guys who are unsure of themselves, uncomfortable with their sexuality and rationalizing their desires.
True bi guys are really loving towards both sexes, fake bi guys just "experimenting" sexually while maintaining their straight identity.
True bi guys actually fall deeply in love with people without considering their gender identity, fake bi guys have sex with people despite their gender identity.
True bi guys are not ashamed of who they love, fake bi guys use being "bi" as a way to hide their true desires.
True bi guys are not homophobic - they aren't ashamed to hang out with their gay friends, fake bi guys may show outward homophobia.
True bi guys typically have LTRs with people of either gender, fake bi guys have LTRs with women and affairs with men. ie: A true bi guy would say "I had a 3 year relationship with a man" as a part of his relationship history - he would say this without feeling shame. A fake bi might have only had secret ONS with men, but had LTRs with women.

I hope this makes sense. There are lots of closeted gays out there trying desperately to be straight (Hello Ted Haggard!) and just hurting women in the process. Much better that they come out of the closet and stop lying to themselves that they are "bi" and making women crazy. Better to have a great gay friend than a husband that lies. I love my gay friends - but I don't know very many that married women trying to be straight. That's a terrible thing to do.

I hope all of you here are healing well.

dreamlife posted 11/27/2008 17:32 PM

Bravo for a wonderful post...I agree, thetruthwins!

Why?? posted 12/14/2008 16:07 PM

[This message edited by Why?? at 3:59 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday)]

dreamlife posted 12/16/2008 08:49 AM

Its difficult to say, Why??

Are you in IC?

It could be everything you've posted here -- or none at all.
IC should be able to help you figure him out.


kammscott posted 1/2/2009 19:13 PM

Wow! I am sooo glad I stumbled into this forum. D-day was a week ago. I discovered a text message: "I got your picture, did you get mine?" I then looked at photos on my H's phone and found a very discriminating photo of his "privates". Confrontation followed and H swears it was just one time - oral sex. A day later, after texting his friend, I find out it was way more than what he claimed - the A has been going on for 6 months!!! He swears to me that he wants to make our marriage work, but can it? Can he ever supress those homosexual feelings and be a real H? He said he was able to years ago (we've been married 17 years and have 2 children), he wants to make this work, I just don't know if I have the strength to fight what he is.

dreamlife posted 1/4/2009 18:19 PM

If he wants to make it work with YOU...honestly...he has to stop cheating.
Cheaters come from all different orientations.
Have you gone to IC/MC?
That would be a good start.

And please get tested for STD's!

kammscott posted 1/4/2009 21:46 PM

I've been tested and thank God everything came back negative, and I will be looking for IC tomorrow. He starts his own IC tomorrow - not sure what good that will do. I just don't know if I want to go through the effort of trying to save this marriage when, at this point, it doesn't look like it's worth saving...

Blazer posted 1/4/2009 22:08 PM

I hope it is OK that I post here about this thread as it is an important issue to me. And I was the WS that had a same gender AP.

I think that there are straight men and women who have some questions on their own sexuality for whatever reasons may exist for it. And thus they experiment at some point in their lives.

My own personal story already posted here on the forums is unique in that respect. As I considered myself to be bi-curious since my teens. But never was really attracted to other guys.

I freely gave my virginity to a woman. The very same woman that I married. And even before we married I told her of my sexuality questions and while we were dating she was fine with them. Even wanted me to talk to her daughter who she suspected was bi or a lesbian (her daughter was from a previous marriage).

Only after we got married did she being to have issues with my same gender fantasies. And I had told her I would never cross that line without her permission.

I'll rehash all the previous posts into one here. But check them out as they are linked from my profile.

In June of 2008 my wife and I escaped to a hotel for quality time and talking privately. Unknown to me at the time she had already began an EA online some 9 months prior and was well into it. She talked about my sexuality.

And wanted to know once and for all where I stood. Encouraging me to have an encounter with another man. Now of course I know why. She was hoping I would come back from it and say I was gay so we could end our relationship as friends and me none the wiser about her own infidelity.

I was initially against such actions. I was perfectly happy and sexually satisfied with my wife as my partner. She was wanting us to have a "trial separation" and that just spoke of loss of communication in our relationship. But she ended up convincing me that it had to be done otherwise our relationship could not continue as it was. I was manipulated, out of my love for her, to break that bond and experiment.

Needless to say I didn't like it. It wasnt like my fantasies. And I changed my ways to show that I indeed loved my wife and she was all I ever needed or wanted.

Feel free to check out my posts listed in my profile on this subject.

I have talked to my IC about this, I have talked to ministers that preformed our wedding. They are all in agreement with me.

Why?? posted 2/1/2009 07:34 AM


dreamlife posted 2/10/2009 20:26 PM

It feels really WEIRD...WH...having yet another Valentine...with The Boy Friend.

Crossbow posted 2/10/2009 20:44 PM

There certainly can be such a thing as an "experimentation phase." I have heard of this many times, from both men and women. So I wouldn't reject that out of hand.

I haven't peeked in here for quite some time, good to see so much support going on.

It's really shattering to discover a same-sex AP; in our situation there was one of each. A real sense of "WTF do I do with THIS?"

At least we know there are others out there who have gone through the same thing.

dreamlife posted 2/15/2009 14:49 PM

Just Valentine's Day went on this thread?
The CAT and I each got a card, and then I had a green plant delivered yesterday.

dreamlife posted 2/24/2009 13:00 PM

Any one's WS ever try to tell you..."I'm bi/gay" by kidding around about it (constantly!) "testing the waters", so to speak?
I just joke around right back knowing no *straight man* would play like this!

dreamlife posted 3/10/2009 10:19 AM

bumping this thread~

dreamlife posted 4/5/2009 09:29 AM

WH has this very ANNOYING HABIT!

He always, always *jokes* around about "the gay stuffs".

Gallows humor?

Anyone else experience this?

Iwillrecover posted 4/11/2009 18:29 PM

I found out my SO had a ONS 3 months ago with a woman, he is male, I am female. I found out the next day. He didn't tell me it was by accident.

Before he met me he had done other stuff such as handjobs at massage places, prostitutes in other countries & cheated on his XW & XGF.

He said he wouldn't do any of that to me. I am thinking now he may be a SA. I just found out that a few times he has given & received handjobs from men in gym showers. I didn't know they had showers there but anyway....He did all this while in his previous relationships & says he hasn't done it since he has been with me. I'm not against homosexuality. I am only concerned with infidelity. What I am wondering is will he ever be completely satisfied with me because I don't have that male bodypart? He never even spoke to them and said that he only wants an emotional relationship with women. He says he can remain abstinent from all behaviors while with me. I'm scared that he can't.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 6:47 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]

Iwillrecover posted 4/13/2009 14:08 PM

I am new to this forum & just found out so I am rather distressed. I also found out that when he masturbates he uses pics of women & men, more women than men & he only like women, he loves women, he's a SA. He told me it wont progress to anything else & that he wont do anything other than masturbate to pics. Could he be satisfied woth only me if he gets help for his SA?

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