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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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Iwillrecover posted 4/16/2009 06:48 AM

I found out more

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 2:34 PM, April 21st (Tuesday)]

dreamlife posted 4/16/2009 17:09 PM

IWR~ he sounds very jaded...I hope you read "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes.
Have you checked out the SA thread in ICR?

Iwillrecover posted 4/16/2009 17:58 PM


Yes I've been posting in the SA thread a lot & they have been so helpful in getting me to see that he is SA. I originally thought he'd only had the ONS & after their suggestion that he might be a SA I did a lot of questioning until he finally confessed a lot of stuff.

I'm not sure what you meant by the jaded may have been referring to my comment that he is only interested in women for emotional relationships. I meant that he is not interested in an emotional relationship with a man. They don't even's just anonymous sex. He has full sexual relationships with women & most of his cheating & porn over the years before me was women. Since being with me the porn is mostly women, some pics of penises thrown in, cheating with a woman, flirting with women & a date with a woman.

He says he will go to SA. I hope he is good at the recovery thing. He didn't even know he had a problem. Been lying to himself. Anyway didn't mean to make this about SA in this thread. Just wanted to know if he would always want something from men.

[This message edited by Iwillrecover at 6:00 PM, April 16th (Thursday)]

dreamlife posted 4/19/2009 21:18 PM

by "jaded", I mean having to obtain MORE & DIFFERENT in order to obtain the sexual *high*.

acheaterswife posted 4/22/2009 09:01 AM

I have been coming to this website for about 6 months now but have never posted. I am not much of an internet chatter so it is hard for me to do this, but I feel like I am going crazy and I need some help and support from someone who is also going through the same things.

All of this crap started about 3 years ago when I found out my H was having an A with a MW. After months of bulls*** I let him come home. A lot of circumstances led to this, the most important being that we were buying a house and I wanted to make sure that it went through for me and the kids. During this time my job started to suffer with the economy and now, again, I am totally dependent on him. That is definitly my biggest problem, I am not financially secure on my own. He is the bread winner.

Anyway....the marriage has not been the greatest since his return. He never has apologized for anything and basically I will never forgive him. Back in October of last year I accidently came across some emails my H had sent using my email address. He was replying to craigslist posts to men and women. The thing that disturbed me the most was of course the men. He says he likes servicing older men. I confronted him and he never really had an answer just that he was addicted to sex.

In February I bought a program that records everything done on the computer and I have read some really disturbing things. My friends told me not the buy the program because I didn't need to know anymore than I already did, that it would just drive me crazy but I couldn't help myself. Now I know that they were right. I am going completly nuts. And I feel myself falling into a great depression. I sleep all of the time and don't do anything around the house. I just don't care. I don't have sex with my H because he disgusts me and I am afraid of what he is doing.

Last week while reading his chats I came across one where he was talking to another married man. They were setting up a time and place to meet. The other person asked my H how he got started and he told him his cousin talked him into doing things with him when he was just a kid. Probably 11 years old. Now I am really sickened. I wondered the whole time if he had been molested as a kid but I always thought it was his dad. I know some disturbing things on him too. I just don't know how to handle this.

I feel like I am stuck. I have no job right now. We are down to one vehicle, which means I am stuck at home while he is out servicing men in my car. UGH! And I just don't know what to do. I have very little options right now.

I know this post must seem crazy. It probably doesn't make much sense. There is too much to write and I just get lost in my thoughts and they get scrambled. There is so much more to say but I just can't get it all out. I don't even know where to start and stop anymore.

Shockedwife posted 4/23/2009 22:29 PM

I am new to this website, as I discovered my WH of 20 years was involved in a relationship with another man half his age. I thought it was surreal. I thought I was having a nightmare. My life was not perfect, but he was my best friend. He swears this is a one and done thing.
I can tell no one, as I have a high profile job. I feel like my life as I knew it is falling apart. I never imagined I would be in this situation. He has already begun IC, to be followed by MC. He tells me he wants to be with me, but how do I ever get past the shock and devastation of not trusting him again? We have a young child and I take my marriage vows very seriously. Can this be a once and done thing or am I in for a life of lies and deceit?

dreamlife posted 4/27/2009 03:02 AM

acheaterswife ~ have you gone to IC? there are numerous books and support groups for those in your situation. I will be glad to send you bonnie kaye's newsletter and you can google her.

Shockedwife ~ I feel its the latter...I have discussed this with my IC. Such "experimentation", according to her (and others), if it happens in ADULTHOOD is indicative of being bisexual/gay.
Kids or teens experiment and fool around sometimes in this manner but to have a "relationship"...I say that old adage rings true here: "Where there is smoke, there is fire".

Huge hugs to both of you and please take utmost care not to expose yourself to HIV via your WH.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 3:05 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

Shockedwife posted 4/28/2009 20:51 PM

How many of you who had a spouse that had an A with a person of the same gender had been sexually abused as a child?
I am wondering if any of your marriages have survived this type of infidelity. Thanks!

dreamlife posted 5/2/2009 15:43 PM

I suspect that WH was sexually abused, but he denies it.
Patrick Carnes also covers this in his books.

momof1 posted 6/1/2009 03:31 AM

[This message edited by momof1 at 2:09 AM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

dreamlife posted 6/8/2009 14:36 PM

How is everyone doing here?

Iwillrecover posted 6/16/2009 00:40 AM

Hi dreamlife,

Not so well. Still not sure if my SASO in recovery is at risk of acting out with men. In "Mending a Shattered Heart" he fits the description of "straight men who have sex with men". He is a sex addict in recovery. He only wants women emotionally & only checks out women.

dreamlife posted 6/20/2009 02:13 AM

I'm so sorry, Iwillrecover.

(((((((huge hugs))))))

Facade posted 8/12/2009 21:04 PM


My ex said he was raped by his brother...later, he denied it.

I'll probably never know.

hitest posted 8/31/2009 00:25 AM

Help, mu husband of 40 years [60yo] has been going to a man for oral sex for three years. i found this out 6 months ago. He has been to a psychiatrist and a therapist and is going to meetings saying he wants to d anything to help himself and our marriage. it has come out his stepfather was sexually abusive by masterbating in front of him and his brother all the time. also his brother tried to have oral sex with him on several occasions when they were in their teens. can this abuse really cause this behaviour in the late 50 and 60's. He also was trying to pick up a few women i knew overe the last three years and they kept saying no and he finally stopped. I found all this out and then he told me everything as he says. do I believe him??? He lied about Bills to me also. I felt something was wrong for about three plus years.

Shockedwife posted 9/16/2009 22:50 PM

Hitest-I sent you a private message!

Shockedwife posted 9/22/2009 20:28 PM

Hitest-I sent you another message, sorry it takes me so long....

dreamlife posted 10/25/2009 06:22 AM

its been awhile...bumping so others know that this thread exists.

mommyblonde posted 10/26/2009 14:00 PM

Hey all,

I am new to this board. WH had an long-time EA with a woman that ended a couple of months ago. Today I found a secret e-mail account that he has been using to meet guys on Craigslist. This comes as a complete shock to me. I found out using a keylogger and I don't want to reveal it. However, I am wondering if I should confront him??

I have an IC appointment tomorrow. My IC is a CSAT so I am sure he will be able to provide me with advice. I am sick to my stomach, though, and looking for any advice I can find.


Beth posted 10/27/2009 14:38 PM

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation but SI is a great resource and support.I can relate to this as I found myself in a very similar predicament a few years ago.
WH had an EA which turned into a PA with a woman at work. Long story short, that ended and our relationship had ( I thought) improved significantly when I came across evidence of a secret e-mail account that he had and bi-sexual groups he had joined.
Unfortunately I was never able to get into the account to see how far things had gone. After confronting him, he claimed it was a sex addiction issue, not a sexual orientation issue and saw a counselor a few times but never completed treatment or any program.
If I could offer input/advice on your situation here are some things to consider-

1. If you have a way to save or copy the contents of the e-mails I would do that right away. My H deleted a lot of stuff.
2. Now this is just my opinion and others may look at it differently, but I would not confront right away, but gather evidence and be very watchful. this is very hard to do, I know- but in my experience, the best time to gather info is when they don't think you are suspicious.
3. again, my opinion- no unprotected sex until both of you have been tested.
4. you get tested for STD's right away
5. go back and read through these threads- you are not alone!
6. IC can be very helpful

How did your appointment today go? Let us know how you are doing


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