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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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mommyblonde posted 10/27/2009 16:29 PM


Thank you for your response. Yes, your story sounds much like mine. Are you still with your WH?

I don't think I am going to be able to stay with my WH - there just have been too many lies over the span of the past 20 months. However, in IC today my counselor also suggested that this could be a sexual addiction issue and not necessarily an orientation issue.

Thank you for those bits of advice. I will definitely take them. I am not confronting and will continue to keep an eye on things. I did make copies of the e-mails as I am sure that he will delete them soon.

Beth posted 11/2/2009 21:29 PM


Sorry for the delay, I am not getting on here often lately.

I am still "with" my WH, we are still legally married, share the same home and family etc...but there's not much real closeness or love at the moment. We don't fight much, but live more like roommates. No sex for a long time. It is far from ideal, but due to some family obligations it's gonna be like this for who knows how long.

If not for that I would be gone, the lying and lack of trust has damaged the relationship beyond repair, in my opinion.

Have you had any new developments or IC appointments? Found anything new? How is his behavior at this point?


dreamlife posted 11/14/2009 19:52 PM

Another thing that WH was doing was pretending to be this huge *skirt chaser* online...all a total SMOKE SCREEN.
The Gay MEN were there...just very deeply hidden.
Just thought this might help some of you dealing with the ongoing duping and mind fucking confusion.

SoAlone77 posted 12/13/2009 11:19 AM

Here is my story. I posted on the Just Found Out forum and was directed here. I have read a few of the posts and am amazed at how this has gone on for years for some of you. I am very confused right now. Part of me wants to hurt and embarrass him the way the I feel I have been hurt and embarassed, and another part of me wants to see if we can work through this. Battling with VERY EVIL thoughts towards him right now.

Things have been strange in my home for at least a year. It has not been bad everyday,but we would often go through spells of not speaking for days on end. We have four young children together and have been married for nearly 10 years. For several months I have had the strangest feeling that I need to pay close attention to the hubby and that I should check into what he is doing. However, I never acted on any of it. Last friday night, I was getting ready to send him to information about something he was researching, and accidentally logged into his email account (the passwords are saved in IE). For some reason, I looked through his sent messages and ran across some nude pictures. All of them were forwarded to an unknown email address that I knew belonged to him because it has his initials and a number combo he used alot. I thought it was strange that he had never mentioned having this email address and that he would be sending nude pictures to it, so I went to that web site and was able to "hack in" to his email.
The entire inbox and sent message folder were full of messages to and from men in our local area (within a 50 mile radius) that wanted to meet up for sex. Although none of the messages indicated that he actually met any of them, they were quite disturbing. He even asked one of the men if he could come and perform oral sex on him, because "he needed a little". During this time, I was at work (he is currently unemployed) and had been rejected by him sexually over the weekend. As a matter of fact, he has been rejecting me sexually for a while. We were only having sex sometimes once a month. It wasn't due to my lack of desire or willingness. He was even sending messages back and forth during the Thanksgiving holidays! I confronted him about it and he swore that it never went past chatting online, but I am not so sure.

The same email client has an instant messenger component, so I logged in to that as well. His profile picture was a nude picture of him showing his rear end. All of the contacts were gay or bisexual men (about 43 of them) and they had all met on a pornographic site which we will call NA for short. Some person randomly IMed out of the blue and asked, "When are you going to suck my <censored> again?" I pretended to be him and asked when and where. He stated a particular street in a nearby area that my husband is quite familiar with. He also described our NEW car we just bought (make and model) and said that he performed sexual acts in it. When I revealed who I was, he denied it and said he was only joking. Who jokes about something like that???

I continue to catch him in lies. Although he assures me that he has told me everything and is dedicated to making our marriage work, I cannot trust him. I am not sure if I want to make things work. Our marriage was not the best before all of this and if he is attracted to men, there is nothing that I can do about that. I think he is in denial about his sexuality or simply determined to use myself and our children as a cover because he doens't want the whole package that comes with an open gay lifestyle. He also said it was just something to do to pretend and have friends because he has no other friends. Well, if that were the case, why deny affection or intimacy with your wife?

He seems to think that by playing Christian music and TV and trying to do nice things for me will make the situation go away. However, I'm not being swayed in the least. I feel that our marriage is over and, although I'm not making any sudden moves, things will never be the same between us.

What do you all think? I need serious help. I have only shared this information with 1 other Godly and prayerful person and another person that I met through his contacts. I am scheduled to have an AIDS test done next week. I am not sure what to expect


Crossbow posted 12/13/2009 12:07 PM

SoAlone, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

Are you seeking MC? That could perhaps help you both sort out what's going on and what choices you (both) want to make.

I hate to mention this part, but please get yourself checked for STDs - everything, including herpes, and HPV (as well as the HIV test you are already doing); sometimes the battery of STD tests don't cover those as well. Whether he's been sexual with women or men, he has put himself and you at risk for STDs.

In the meantime, don't betray your sources - you may need them for further evidence and/or confirmation. "Snooping" is totally legit when your spouse is cheating and lying and covering up. You *need* the information, so use every technique available to get it - and keep getting it.

I am a Christian too; however, I'd recommend a MC who is not specifically religious. Sometimes issues of sexual orientation and (perhaps especially) sex addiction are better addressed outside the world of church and religion. Your WH also may be very unlikely to be honest with a pastoral counselor, out of extreme shame and guilt, whereas a non-church MC could perhaps get more out of him, which would in turn help you both.

I wish you the very best.

dreamlife posted 1/14/2010 09:46 AM

SoAlone ~ how are you doing?

We are here for you.


Hurting27 posted 1/19/2010 21:08 PM

I was redirected over here from my originally post in the general forum.

I don't even know where to start. I am so overwhelmed that I can barely function.

First my WS and I have had tons of problems in our marriage. But I like many others never thought he would cheat. In June of 2008 we had a big fight and I said I couldn't do this anymore. He immediately jumped at what I said and said he was done to. Turns out he already had a plan and his family was helping him get out of this *horrible* marriage. So we separate and I don't find out until August 2008 that he has had a whole secret life for many years. Secret myspace, emails and chats. He of course denied it all. So we were separated for 11 months.
So we get back together around March 2009.

When we got back together turns out he was still lying. But oddly enough lying about what he did while we were separated. He lied about NOT having a gf who I called from a call log! He also lied about charges from adultfriendfinder. I could clearly see the name of the charge and he still tried to lie and say it was just a regular porn site. I know it is a site for casual sex ads. Who pays for porn?? Its all over the internet! I also found out he lied about getting a b/j from a woman. And of course tons and tons of lies about what really happened in all those years he was lying/cheating. **And another big part I left out was. He actually told his gf he dated while we were separated that I was just moving back up there with him because I was ill! Now she dumped him! And she tried to just stay friends with him. Now why would he lie to her and say that we were not getting back together? He said he told her we were getting back together and she told me he did not say we were! Just that I would be staying with him. I of course believe her! She was pissed when we talked and she bashed him like no tomorrow!

So fast forward to the last 2 months. We are trying to reconcile now for almost 11 months. I have been VERY ill from my body not responding well to being pregnant. I got a severe pregnancy complication and was mostly on bed rest. I ended up having my baby VERY early but he is NICU and making it everyday so far. 3 weeks before I gave birth I had this feeling I should look up a screen name he used on adultfriender. Now the profile is deleted but it does show old cashed stuff on a google search. I basically saw that he posted he was looking for women. I had saw that a while back. But how ironic all the sudden a google search revealed a old post from a gay sister site to adultfriendfinder that showed a profile for the same screen name on there! This was ALL the way back in 2004. It was him looking to be in a 3 some with bi man and a woman. He said he just signed up for it for points. He said back then in 2004 two months after we got married! That there was a way to earn points to access profiles and web cams. I do not think this is true. The account at the site has been canceled and I can see that there has been no log in since we have gotten back together in March 2009.

Now I am not sure if he is gay bi or whatever!! I am so confused. This man has a major lying problem. I would say compulsive but he doesn't lie about everyday things. But I am not sure if that matters or not. I honestly do not think that he has cheated in the last 11 months we have been back together. But that doesn't mean he isn't just laying low. Our lives have been so stressful due the pregnancy and other life issues. We haven't even had time for therapy. But now he is seeing a IC Wed and said I could come. He only got serious about IC after I found out he was still in trickle truth. Found out he was talking to a ex gf when we were separated. Again why lie about things when he was so called *free* to do whatever he wanted. He said he is realizing he has a major issue with lying. He says he does not understand why he is doing this.

Now I am not sure what to think. I am so stressed. HE is the breadwinner. I am still recovering from csection and infections. I am having a horrible time right now. Like I said I do not think he is cheating currently. But obviously the lying is in full swing. And I know lying and cheating go hand in hand a lot of times.

I can not over the gay site stuff I found out about out of my head! I have confronted him and he got upset and said I am not gay! I did keep pushing it. And he said I feel like you are trying to make me admit this! And I pointed out clearly in 2004 that he posted that gay ad for a 3some. He maintains that he just quickly signed up for all their sites to get points to the main adutfriendfinder. And when I told him I saw nothing about points on there he said it could have changed. Again he cheated no matter what for years. But I still feel like I dont know if he is bi/gay. HE has a SEVERE lying problem. This man will NEVER admit he is bi/gay.

But again I am not sure if it was a one time thing. I dont know if it was just because he was curious. HE also put the location for the ad in another state because he was on a business trip. So yeah he totally could have screwed around on me with whoever then! I feel like I will never know. And this stuff is eating at me.

I am so stressed right now and feel sort of stuck. I don't have the money to just up and leave. My baby is stuck in the NICU and will be there for a long time. We have a long road for that. He stands by he is not gay but did cheat and lie for years. He stands by the gay ad statment he made. And he says he wants our family. We have never had sex issues. We have great sex and I don't see many other signs except a few odd things. But I feel like now I am overly hyper sensitive about watching him. Everyhting is a flag.

I simply don't know what to do. I don't have hardcore evidence. I haven't been able to find out anything else besides one ad from 2004. There are no other flags. I just had a baby. But I find myself sinking into a bad depression. I can't get over this. I guess I needed to vent. I feel so hopeless.

Oh and one more thing when I talked to him today about it. I did tell him he would never admit it. I was clam and very blunt. After he said many times he was not gay I just told him I wasn't sure if I could do this. And one thing that really bothered me is he seemed to focus in on that I would be slandering him if I told people. I was like me showing someone that old ad that is you on a site that is for gay men is not slandering you. It is a reason I would leave because I don't feel like I can trust if you are straight or not. I just thought that was so odd how he was worried about being slandered.

I think he is a complete loon.

dreamlife posted 1/20/2010 12:17 PM

welcome...sorry about all you are going through.
have you read on bonkaye's website yet?
take good care of you and baby at this time; it is, what it is.
keep posting here and hang in there.
sending you huge hugs.

Star727 posted 1/21/2010 11:24 AM

I'm trying to figure out if my WH could be bi. I would never asked him cause he mentioned a close male friend asked him if he was gay (about 25 years ago) because he wouldnt go after the ladies at a club they were at and he never spoke to the guy again.

We have been maried for 23 years, two kids, work at the same place, highly respected at his job, my family and friends, everywhere and had/has an appox. 10 year LTA with a female coworker which we are about to divorce over.

Here's my dilema:
I stole his secret prepaid phone and spent an hour texting OW and she texted back thinking it was my WH. In one of the text, I said "my wife is putting me out because of my relationship with you". OW responded "you need to talk to someone you can trust, talk to Calvin".

I do not know a Calvin. This guy has never been mentioned, ever. So I'm assuming this Calvin is someone supersecret.

WH adamantly claims the OW is just friend who he talks to and never had sex with her. She knows about this Calvin and I don't. He's someone he can trust but I don't know him and never heard that name before?

He's homophobic.

He had prostate cancer surgery in 2007 and rarely tries to have intercourse with me but regularly provides oral stimulation.

When we do have intercourse, the only position we have ever used is him on his side entering me that way.

Currently, he likes me to perform oral sex on him and pushes my head down (why do they do that?)

My WH has been living a secret life since we've been married. He leaves the house in the evening and comes home at the wee hours of the morning. Before D-Day, he always says he was "playing chess with the guys". Since D-Day, he doesnt play anymore. Can't figure out why not.

My WH is an extremely private person and would never want it to get out that he enjoys being with a man. He would NEVER admit that to me but I have this feeling in my gut that I am wrong about him having an affair with our female coworker. I feel like there is something much bigger he's trying to keep from me. Being with a man would defintely be the big thing he would want to keep from me.

I'm not bragging or anything, but before I got married, I dated alot and had lots of sex. I know I was very good at giving oral sex on a man - very good at it. Since I've been with my WH, I felt like I lost my touch with that. Now, since his surgery, its even harder to please him. Every now and then I can get him going.

But I got this feeling that he's getting his sex from another man.

How can you tell if your husband is doing that?

He had me order a hollow strap-on so he could satisfy me better. When he saw the box with the man wearing the strap on, he got really excited about. We havent used it yet.

I just need some tips at how to nonchalantly find out if my WH is into having oral sex or more with another man?

If that is the case, could the OW who I think he's having an affair with just be the best girlfried he confides in about this? When I was texting her (pretending to be my WH), she never invited him to move in with her which made me wonder what kind of relationship do they really have?

I'm really confused about this and really need some replies.

Hurting27 posted 1/24/2010 20:33 PM

Star- I just wanted to say I am starting to think my husbands 2 plus year emotional affair was actually possibly just a cover. He says he never did anything sexually with her. And I think he was using her as a cover while he may have been seeing men. Also they were longtime friends and she has many gay male friends. So I am honestly wondering like you if the female was actually a cover.

And in general I have confronted my WS many times. The only proof I have is that one ad from 2004. And now I feel tortured everyday wondering. And not to mention he has lied for years on end. Why would he admit he was bi/gay to me? I have asked him point blank. Sometimes he gets pissed. I have even said you do realize you are still possibly gay/bi even if it was just a blowjob right? And he just say f@ck you! Nice. So now I am constantly looking at him odd and asking him. He gets mad but also just calmly says no I am not gay and I sorry a stupid ad I don't even remember making is making you doubt my sexuality.

I have been lied to so much I just can not even hardly trust my gut anymore. I am not sure what to do. He is really all about our new baby boy. He is all excited about doing things as a family.

And to top it off. I know 100% he would just go and get in another relationship with another woman after me. He did while we were separated. I feel really stuck financially speaking and just emotionally.

I hate that I have no proof. I know straight men don't post on sites like that. And his excuse of just signing up for points for the adult friend finder sister site does not make sense.

To me he is a coward. Regardless if he is acting out on it or not doesn't take away the fact that he lied/cheated for years. I really feel if I didn't just have a baby with him I would run!!: (

Star727 posted 1/24/2010 20:58 PM

In our circle (work and home), he could NEVER admit being bi/gay (down low). He just couldnt and wouldnt do it.

I can see this woman being a cover. That thought explains a lot. It explains why she isnt offering him a place to stay (he's staying with his childhood guy friend). If they were that much in love with each other since they've been keeping in regular contact for at least 10 years, then as soon as I kicked him out, she would have immediately moved him in with her. She would finally get what she wanted.

But thats not the case. He didnt go to her and still maintains that I was wrong.

Well, he's doing something that he considers extremely secret and is willing to let his marriage go down the drain to protect. Protecting his secret of being on the "down low" by pretending a relationship with another woman makes total sense.

I just wish he had used a woman I didnt know. This woman works with us and I've known her for over 20 years. I think I could have dealt with this better if I didnt know who she was. Its a daily slap in the face to me when I see her knowing she's in a secret relationship with my husband. Too hard to live with.

If he's on the "down low", he will never own up to it. EVER. I would have to catch him with a man, thats the only way I will know for sure.

dreamlife posted 1/25/2010 09:00 AM

hmmm...him getting *excited* seeing the pic of the MAN on that box is pretty telling to me!

Learning more posted 2/3/2010 18:01 PM

I found out about my ex-husbands affairs 16 years ago. We divorced shortly after and had two children who are now 18 and 21.

While I have come to grips with everything that happened to me. I will never forgive him for abandoning our children too. There is NO excuse for it!

I also wanted to share that there was one book that I found to really help me through the pain, "The Other Side of the Closet".

mplpmom posted 2/10/2010 17:11 PM

So far, I have only posted in JFO, but someone sent me over to the I Can Relate forum. I guess I belong here too, in addition to Law Enforcement, SA, LTA, and coworker ICR threads - is there a record for how many ICR threads a person falls into : )?

My latest JFO post with all the gory details is here:

There were not any signs H was as straight as an arrow, a cop, never a hint of any homosexual tendencies - I still am like "this can't be true, he can't be gay" but then I read his chats with men and trannies as well as other women and I just start shaking uncontrollably. During one of his chats with a cross-dresser s/he sent my H photos where s/he was wearing nothing but a loose knit fishnet body stocking. The next day I saw a women in the cafeteria wearing a perfectly normal pair of netted black tights with her business suit and I almost collaspes on the spot. I can't get the images and the graphic converations out of my head - I am not sure I ever will. I thought the triggers I had when I only knew about his LTA with a female coworker were bad, but nothing compares to this...The worst part is that I am collecting more evidence everyday and plan to confront him next week and begin the D process, so in the meantime I am having to act normal and pleasant, as if I was still trying to R, sitting down at the dinner with him and my 2 kids (4 and 1 yo) and making pleasant converation. I must be doing what they call "compartamentalizing."

A few weeks ago, I told him that his A with his female coworker was the worst thing that had or probably ever would happen to me in my wrong I was.

dreamlife posted 2/13/2010 17:32 PM

Yes, Learningmore, that is a great book!

I think they have a certain way of tightly *compartmentalizing* which is how they can hide it so well.

hugs, everyone!

dreamlife posted 3/13/2010 01:46 AM

~bumping to let others know about this thread.

Lacy J posted 3/28/2010 00:45 AM

Hey guys...

Spent the last little while reading through this thread.

I found out 3 days ago that not only has my WH been addicted to porn, cybersex and online dating ($20,000 worth- I have the cc debt to prove it), BUT WH had 2 ONS's with 2 different transvestites a year ago... WTF?? He had accounts at Fetlife and other places, but only communicated with women- from what I saw...

He said he didn't ever want to be with another woman but me, so he thought that this would be better...

I found multiple emails in his secret account (from 2-3 years ago) to women about looking for a cute sexy gal to have fun this weekend, discreet fun, let me know if you're interested- kind of things.. he swears he NEVER ever did anything with another woman and these women he was talking to weren't the transvestites (because the ONS took place a year ago- not 2-3 years ago when he wrote the emails).... I think there is SO MUCH more I don't even know about yet!! There has to be more... I'm just waiting to hear it all... How can he go from addicted to porn and dating and cybersex with women to ACTUAL sex with a man?? It's so bizarre!

Anyway, if he's going to act out and he's 'not gay' why would my husband chose to screw a man with a penis and big tits? He gave it to them- didn't get it. He received oral sex from them... did he fondle their hard on while he was screwing them? OMG!!

Why would he do this? he says he's not gay or bi and had no interest in a man... he says he thought it was better than being with another women... um, NO!!

WH dresses very well- looks metro. Not into sports or hunting... would rather be chatting with the women. WH is very into fashion- loves me to look sexy. Is very manly sometimes but also in touch with his feminine side...

If he was going to step out, why do it with a transvestite?

I'm so confused! I'm so shocked! I'm still sick.... I can't get the mind movies to go away...

Any ideas or thoughts or suggestions?

Maybe he is gay? Ot maybe he is so eff-ed up by this SA?

Help me please- It's just so bizarre!

[This message edited by Lacy J at 12:54 AM, March 28th (Sunday)]

dreamlife posted 3/30/2010 12:09 PM

I'm sorry you are going through all this mind-numbing tranny stuff...its been suggested that it could be a type of "penis fetish"?

Are you in IC?

Hang in there though its really difficult. Someone might have more/differing answers than I.
Please google BonKaye.

In my case, seems WH wanted to BE the transvestite at times.

(((((huge hugs))))

dreamlife posted 5/29/2010 22:52 PM

bumping to let newbies know this thread exists~

Bellatrix posted 7/13/2010 19:11 PM

My WH's OP was a man as well. I knew my husband was bisexual when we were dating. He had broken up with a guy friend of mine a little while before we got together.

Both of his past EA's (which I knew about pretty quick) and the PA I found out about almost 2 weeks ago were with men.

He and I have had a good sex life, as good as you can when the honeymoon wears off :) 3-5 times a week, both of us bonding and enjoying, but he's admitted to me I'm the only woman he's ever been able to have sex with.

During the first EA he stopped having sex with me, said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We separated for 6 months, and he came back. He wanted to R, and we did well until about 6 months ago, then his second EA cropped up, and then this EA turned PA real quick.

Still having sex during the whole thing... I dunno what to think really.

I asked him what he was planning on the A turning into. Was he looking for a new partner? He said his hope (FANTASY) was that we'd all be together. The three of us.

Yeah I just don't know...

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