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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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Crossbow posted 9/3/2007 21:49 PM

Dreamlife, no alcohol, but she was in the grips of her first full-blown manic episode. There were fleeting moments during this time when she would wonder WTH was wrong with her, then her thoughts would race off somewhere else and she'd forget about it....

Crazy times for sure.

Mostly just feel special to my toddler and newborn anymore.

father of 4 posted 9/4/2007 14:31 PM

crossbow, so sorry that this is all happpening in your life! I know how hard dealing with this aspect of it is! I admire your willingness to hang in there and try and do what it takes!

susieque posted 9/8/2007 00:15 AM

My WH A was with a woman BUT when we decided to R and be completely honest he informed me that he had been with several men before we married 19 years ago. What the hell am I going to do with that tid bit of information . He swears it was just those experimental eightys....CRAP

dreamlife posted 9/8/2007 12:17 PM

From what I have found out on my other support group, bi/gay men seem to veer straight for GAY partnership as they get older...just another 'tid bit'...yes, they actually do PREFER A MAN as they hit 45-50+.

((((((huge hugs)))))

father of 4 posted 9/9/2007 13:41 PM

Ugh! That's horrible. I don't even know what to say! Several men... before you were married... 19 years ago... and never any indication of this? I'm so sorry!

I know this has to make reconciliation so much more difficult!

Crossbow posted 9/10/2007 01:15 AM

Despite the horrors of her A time, I love her with all my heart. We also have 2 little boys (toddler and infant) together.

She is so good about taking her bipolar meds and doing IC and MC, etc. She is doing everything she can to make R work. Otherwise I'd throw her stuff on the lawn and change the locks. Can't go through this bullshit ever again.

dreamlife posted 9/10/2007 05:39 AM

Actually, it is not at all "unique" for this sort of same gender "experimentation" in one's youth/early M, fo4.
At least, seems to be common place at my other online support group for wives of bi/gay H.
LOTS of this happening, this "same sex/same gender" seems to be more of the norm-- than the exception.

Crossbow, I hear your anger.
And, I can totally understand it as well.


dreamlife posted 9/11/2007 13:28 PM

WH seemed very surprised when I told him that this "experimentation" or A's with same sex was NOT, uh, em..."the norm".

dreamlife posted 9/19/2007 12:53 PM

I was able to see the family doc from 2004. He knew I was so excited & waiting with bated breath for WH to finally live permanently with me in late 05.
Well, I told him the Entire Story...& about the bi/gay thing, too...and he looked shocked and kept saying, 'Its not your fault, you didn't do anything to cause this' (Well, I know I didn't!)...but, still, it felt very good to be "validated" by my doctor, especially after he advised me to..."Move On" with my life...and to start dating, again.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:55 PM, September 19th (Wednesday)]

dreamlife posted 9/25/2007 12:09 PM

Was feeling really conflicted about sending WH a Halloween card which I have already purchased.

So, I guess I'll just sign the cat's name...*shrugs*

Anyone else have this "conflict" over a mere CARD??

dreamlife posted 9/29/2007 14:39 PM

When I think about WH touching me-- or even kissing me, this revulsion comes over and I just want to go:


Nouveau posted 9/29/2007 18:31 PM

Reading the responses to this thread, I can surely relate.

I've been married and D 3 times. My 2nd H turned out to be a double-dipper. I'm going to be a bit blunt here, but I think it needs to be shared in hopes of helping others who are going through this right now.

Rob had a drinking problem early in the marriage. He was an ex-marine, macho as all hell, and a major homophobic.. so I never suspected at first.

But after a few months into the marriage, he started having sexual difficulty. He couldn't make love to a woman tenderly and passionately. He then got so he couldn't have good old penis-in-the-vagina intercourse. He told me once that "plain old sex with a woman is boring." I asked him if he would rather have sex with a man, and he got angry and told me I was twisting his words.

He then had difficulty getting aroused with regular intercourse. No matter what positions we tried, he was disinterested. He couldn't get hard without oral sex performed on him. Then he would pressure me to give him oral sex constantly and would make lewd gestures and jokes about oral sex, such and yanking my head down to his crotch and being really abusive and degrading... and then telling me that he was joking and to "get over it."

Then he began pressured me for anal sex, which just was not for me. But he never stopped trying to talk me into it, and I constantly refused. A couple of times he tried to force me into anal sex and he became so excited I could literally hear his heart racing so fast. I was frightened of him at that point.

Several times in our marriage when we tried to have sex he could not finish. And he became angry at me and went into the bathroom and finished himself off. I was heartbroken and I didn't understand.

I felt there was something wrong with me. I felt unattractive, unloved and unwanted. I believed that somehow I disgusted him, that I turned him off. I felt I wasn't woman enough for him.

And he started staying out late, saying he was watching HBO with "Mike". He would come home drunk and verbally abusive. I finally asked for a divorce and told him to leave.

After he left, he moved in with "Dave"... a flamboyant and openly gay man. I was shocked, but not too surprised. I was sickened, but then again I began to feel relieved. Because it wasn't because I was lacking as a woman. I just lacked the one thing he needed to satisfy him, and that was being male.

dreamlife posted 9/30/2007 01:25 AM


dreamlife posted 9/30/2007 11:18 AM

Its really the most horrible feeling to wake up next to your spouse and realize that there is nothing one can DO, short of a complete Gender Change.......just saying'

N~ I'm sorry he took his frustrations out on you, too.

Nouveau posted 9/30/2007 12:48 PM


No, there isn't anything you can do if you are the wrong gender for your spouse. You can't grow a dick.

But isn't it a relief when you finally realize that the entire problem is not because you aren't woman enough? I felt like the entire weight of the world had just been taken off my shoulders when I realized this.

You know, dreamlife, I divorced Rob 20 years ago. And yet, I ran into him one day last year. And we exchanged a very weird conversation. (He was still in the closet) He told me that he had remarried in the interim and divorced again and had a 15-year-old daughter. The girl was in counseling because she was cutting herself.

Sad that he kept trying to live a straight life and hated his gayness so much that he tried to have a family to make himself straight, or at least that is what I figured. In the meantime, his dysfunction destroyed probably another woman as well as screwed up a child. I shudder at what horrors his daughter has been through.

Thank God I made the decision to throw him out on his cornholed ass.

dreamlife posted 9/30/2007 13:02 PM

Yes, I agree, N.

Its actually quite common for them to want to "hook up" with another woman...uber Cake Man syndrome!
(Its on bi-married men yahoo group...they want it ALL).

'corn holed ass'

I have visions of a strap on dipped in acid....

downfall posted 9/30/2007 13:13 PM


I know dreamy and I have spoke about my situation before; in profile for the rest. I'm looking for some input here especially from Fo4 and Nouveau because they moved on into other relationships.

I grew up in the era where you were either gay or you were straight. I have to admit I'm extremely puzzled by bisexuality. It just doesn't make sense to me. I see it from more of a "your so needy anything will do" standpoint.

When I found out about STBX's same sex A, it was so late in the game it really didn't matter to me. It was just one more line he had crossed.

Now I'm finding I'm having issues with trusting. Hard enough trying to start a new relationship/friendship with a guy after infidelity but imagining that EVERYONE is a possibility is overwhelming.

How did you start over? Were there specific responses/flags you looked for? Remember STBX lied about every feeling he had on the subject. How do I take others at face value?


[This message edited by downfall at 1:13 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]

Nouveau posted 9/30/2007 13:31 PM

downfall, you are dealing with trust issues at the moment. We all do when we have been cheated on. It's normal to feel that way in light of what you have been through.

About the "era where you were either gay or you were straight"... years ago, people didn't talk much about being gay, much less about bisexuality. Sexual orientation has not always been "either you are straight as an arrow or you are queerer than a 3 dollar bill". It was only that double dipping was really a taboo topic. But it has always been there since the dawn of humanity, it was just that we didn't know about it.

Rest assured that bi is not some new fad that people are suddenly experimenting with.

And yes, I did trust again... I trusted that my partner was not gay or bi. I asked questions and looked for red flags of behavior. And there was such a difference when I was with a man who delighted in my femaleness once again so that I was able to relax and trust again... (or at least trust that he was straight)

I found there to be a world of difference when I was with a straight man once again. There was no doubt in the sack!

dreamlife posted 9/30/2007 14:19 PM

Kinsey has a 1-6 Scale with being "bi" in the center.

But, from what I have gathered reading on other boards/groups on this topic...a man will be "bi" in his youth, but as he grows OLDER he will prefer a totally GAY relationship.

In other words, they seem to be able to do a fairly good sexual "juggling act" till about ages 40s/50s...then ED sets in, in earnest (I experienced this with WH for 6 mos. straight, but I have read many posts from W who have had NO SEX for many DECADES!!! ).


Or, if they have sex, its convoluted, once every 3 years, and his eyes are closed because he has to fantasize that W is a MAN.

Trust?! IC said I might never ever get this back after my experience (NPD, too)...or, I might have only 95% trust but still...
I'll always be looking over my shoulder!

Which is why IC, and my family physician are urging me to begin establishing friendships with MEN ...doing some FUN things...

uh, what's that?

N, I forgot to thank you for the hugs, earlier.

Crossbow posted 9/30/2007 19:41 PM

Wonder how that plays out with women?

FWW did date women for awhile; because of her weight, she felt like women would be more accepting than men. She has always had a much stronger attraction to men, however.

Aside from her weird and brief thing with OW, she has shown zero interest in women since before we met.

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