SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
Spouses with Same Gender APs.
I see this type of "3-some" (with 2 men & W) addressed a lot in Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands, a private yahoo group.
Lots of good info & cameraderie there!
In this day of incurable HIV, what a foolhardy crazy Fantasy & quite possibly a fatal one,too!
Well and even if one of you is ok with it, you have to respect the feelings of the one who isn't.
I refuse to settle for that kind of empty relationship just to hold on to him. I'd end up the housewife and the nursemaid. No thank you!
I've been married for a little over 4 years now and 2 years ago I found out my H has been having a guy come to our house for a quickie(almost weekly). Lately I don't believe he has due to a new job that he's been working 6 days a week and hasn't been able to schedule himself off a weekday yet. We don't have any kids and haven't been intimate in a while and I've been tested for std's and I'm ok. I can't help but worry about how to break this news to him that I know he's been cheating and I want divorced. I know he didn't think about hurting me when he does this but I'm past the point of being hurt and just want to handle this the best way I can without hurting him(I know he will hurt and there's nothing I can do to change that). Its just since its not another women but another man that makes this so much more difficult because I have to call him out. I don't see him wanting that ype of relationship so I suppose its the sex act itself. How do you break this news to your WS when iys something that I know he doesn't want anybody knowing about? I'm mad at myself for wasting 2 years of my life already since I got proof of all this all because I'm trying to handle this the best way possible. I don't want anything from him. I just want divorced. Iso badly wish it was another woman!
I dunno... if it's a man to me it makes it both easier and harder. Easier because you know it wasn't you... it's so his issues. Harder because how do you compete with that?
My WH and I have a good sex life. Nothing from penthouse, but really good. He prefers men. The thing that he wants is a new shiny relationship every year or so... which no matter the sex of the person won't lead to happiness.
I'm tired of dealing with him looking for the new and shiny while leaving me here with my DD. It's time for him to decide if he is going to settle down and accept me, who he loves and is attracted to, or if he wants a new guy every few months so he can constantly be in that infatuation phase.
Not all gay men are whores, but a lot of them are!!!!
That phrase..."settle down"...just hit me.
WH always denigrated "settling down" between straight folks who want to marry, but he's just obsessed with Gay M & thinks its wonderful!
Anyone else here ever hear from their spouse how Gay M is like the cat's pajammas?
If I did not have my IC, my support groups, Bonnie Kaye, and TIME to process tgt, I would be like a frenzied nutty hamster on a constantly turning wheel.
Huge hugs to everyone going through this.
We had an interesting conversation the other night on the difference between gay men as couples, gay women, and then straight couples.
He was willing to admit that most gay men don't settle down until their 30's or 40's because of the immaturity factor. The fact that gay men aren't pressured to go to school and get a great job, because there is no family to support. They don't have mortgages and kids in their mid to late twenties like many straight couples.
I said that I think women are the factor there, because gay women couples (granted these examples come from my own experience) tend to stay together a little longer and be more monogamous, that it's a maturity issue.
I actually got the point across to him that the want for a new shiny relationship every year or so stems from immaturity, and once he grew up he'd want to settle down. He agreed with me.
I guess what gets me is that the last time the new and shiny didn't work out he came back to me. If he pursues shiny this time, i won't be here to come back to, and deep down, I really know he'll regret it. I know that I'm the 40 year old gay man he wants to settle down with... he just can't see it, and doesn't want to be ready for that now.
I know cheating is cheating no matter if its with a man or woman but why does WH feel like he can have the best of both worlds. A wife and other men to satisfy some needs and urges that he has? Why can't he just decide what he really wants and live with it. If he wants to be with men then go and do it. Almost daily I hear him talking about how he hates people lying to him and he's living the biggest lie both to me and himself. I will see how my 2nd IC appointment goes this Friday. I'm glad I feel comfortable with my counselor. I've always been a pretty shy person and opening up isn't usually easy for me but my first appointment went really well. I'm not sure what to expect at the next appointment or how this will exactly help me but after living this way for 2 years I have to try something to give me strength and courage to have the divorce talk.
[This message edited by Bellatrix at 10:27 AM, July 27th (Tuesday)]
Got tested for STD's and the results are back.
Negative for everything! I have to go and take ANOTHER HIV test in 2 months (they said its best to wait for 3 months from last sexual contact)
Luckily since I am preggo, they tested me for HIV and syphilis almost 5 months ago... so if I have anything it's NEW and I know it's from this last affair.
Were there other men? Who knows. It will be nice to date again. i've forgotten what it's like to be truly WANTED by a man :)
I'm so glad I was directed to this topic...I posted the following today in the new section.. I was trying to handle it but hit rock bottom...again.
I have been married 23 years--with 3 kids. In the last year I lost my father, my job and struggled to figure it all out as my husband became more and more withdrawn. We had always been best friends, taught in the same schools--involved with our family and there for each other
Finally I sought therapy, and as one of my goals thought I should work on my communication with my husband, since I have always believed any marital problem is half mine. When I brought home information about my goals...he said "how about if it will never work out?" He admitted to an ongoing affair for the past 2 1/2 years with his male best friend, he wants a divorce and is in love with him. He had been living a dual life...and now his choice to be happy has destroyed his family and affected a wide range of people.
I struggle with depression, figuring out what to do with my life and trying to help my older children (17-22) deal with the anger and pain--confusion and general sadness of his choices. The questions of what was real and what wasn't...the how to let go when despite how much I have been lied to I still love the guy. Of losing everything, financial stability..and all of the plans we had made for the future...which he continued to make up until the moment he told me.
Has anyone had something similar, or know of resources to read...I've found a few--and maybe it is just time I need, but the pain is so overwhelming at times. This month (Sept) we would have been married 24 years...how can someone throw that all away? Or how can they lie about who they are for the first 24? Nothing makes sense.
Sending you a PM.
WH e-mailed me that its his "friday" today as his days off and hours change frequently at his job. Sometimes, he seems unusually happy when he's got the next 2 days off and I can't tell if its because of the bipolar...or tgt!
Its not the normal type of TGIF stuff, either.
There are three separate forums in "I Can Relate" that I appear to be able to claim membership to. I am a former sexual abuse survivor. I am posting here as my WW is having an affair with a former female student who is half her age. As she refused to stop the affair on DDay, I told her she would need to move out as I would be able to stand seeing her disappear to be with the girl. So she moved out, and now either she goes and visits the girl on weekends or the girl comes back to my WW for weekends (I am alone, she is with the "other woman").
WW is now in counseling for her issues. I wanted to at least try some joint counseling to resolve communication problems. According to WW, new counselor advised against joint counseling with me for now until WW has resolved her issues. Apparently, WW continuing the affair relationship is not an issue for the counselor.
Thankfully the anti-depressants, my counseling appointments, my brother, and now a few close friends who I can talk to have really helped me to get through the days. I still have trouble functioning some days, or even getting out of bed on weekends. I also have our two small but very wonderful dogs to keep me company.
Can ~ I am very sorry that you are going through this.
I'm glad you have supportive loving people in your life that you can talk to and that sweet fur kid who loves you unconditionally.
Its the New Year...how is everybody doing?
New Year is starting. Looking like WW and I will be starting the D thing soon as the A continues. WW is presently being more civil, and has agreed to look at possiblity of JC (not MC, but just JC to improve our communication).
Will likely pursue the Mediated Divorce route and look at an amicable parting. I may be keeping the house. Now I just have to figure out how to cover mortgage and expenses when the household income gets cut in half.
How is everybody doing here?
I belong here too. Like someone said earlier, finding your spouce with a same sex AP is both harder and easier. Easier because the drive to compete with the AP is gone and harder because well you just can't compete.
My XWH AP was so god damn smug about it too, like he was going to "save" him.