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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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dreamlife posted 12/16/2011 10:53 AM


sososad713 posted 12/21/2011 16:59 PM

My husband and I are trying to save the marriage. About 10 years ago he "experimented" with sex with a guy. He said he cried after because he felt so bad about it. He was able to get over that bad feeling and compartmentalize it having sex with guys over the years that he met at gay bars out of town or on craig's list. I was absolutely devastated - wished I was dead, but thank God for my psychatrist and lorazepam. I wonder if there are any couple out there like us who have made it past this?

dreamlife posted 12/26/2011 16:50 PM

Since I don't have a penis (for his compulsions/cravings/whatever)...theanswer in our case is, "No."
And I don't want to ever take him at his "word" and get a potentially life threatening/fatal STD.

Do you know for a fact just how many A's he has had with men?

Are you in MC/IC?

Have you been checked for STD's?

I will be more than glad to send you info about this.

((((huge hugs)))

sososad713 posted 1/3/2012 13:30 PM

He has had more partners than he can count. Most of them one night stands that he met on craig's list and in gay bars and gyms. He got caught with Hep B, so yes both of us have been tested, and he is very lucky his Hep was acute and he fully recovered. We are in MC and there are a bunch of things that contributed to his behavior. Absolutely his fault, but I played a role. We are working on resolving my insecurities and his infidelity, and are trying to save the marriage.

cmego posted 1/8/2012 07:50 AM

We attempted R. It was very difficult and ended when he couldn't stop seeing other men. But...I wanted to tell you that there is a support group on Yahoo called "Alternate Paths". I would suggest you go check them out

Good Luck.

dreamlife posted 1/9/2012 19:52 PM

Alternate Paths on yahoo...I'm curious about them.
Could you explain/tell us a bit more?

cmego posted 1/9/2012 20:05 PM

It's a group that supports women married to a gay/bi men. You have to be working on the marriage to be accepted into the group. If you S/ are no longer "allowed". About 1/2 the women are in open relationships, the other 1/2 are monogamous. Everyone does what works best for their relationship. It is very supportive for an "alternate" lifestyle. I assume it is still active, it's been over a year since I left that group.

dreamlife posted 1/10/2012 19:45 PM

Makes sense!

Hannelore posted 1/20/2012 00:29 AM

I just found out my husband cheated on me with a man. DDay was 12/18/2011. They gave each other oral sex several times. I can barely function. This is my first post, and a bit awkward coming from my kindle. MC coming soon. He was the love of my life, I'm 48 years old and terrified, shocked, disgusted, and worried people will find out or worse, I'm the last to know. Been lurking here...

sososad713 posted 1/21/2012 15:59 PM

Hannelore - I am so sorry. I don't know how you found out or if you are trying to save your marriage. My D-day was Father's Day 2011 - 7 months ago, and I am just now at the point where the pain is not crushing. We have had a lot of counseling and I think we are past the worst of it. I will be able to forgive but never forget, so I need to work through that going forward.

I did join alternate paths, but the most vocal women are in open relationships and they are working through those issues. I completely support their choice, but I could never be in an open marriage, so I didn't get a lot out of the group.

cmego posted 1/21/2012 16:18 PM

It is a very difficult path...not only dealing with a cheating spouse, but also dealing with a major sexuality crisis. I couldn't support an open marriage either, not that WS ever asked me to...he just went back to cheating with the AP.

There is a lot of evidence that "bi" is on the road to "gay". My WS said he was "bi", but only sleeps with men, I was the only woman.

It takes a very strong man to be able to recognize that he is bi or gay, yet wants and IS ABLE to stay faithful. It can be done, but it takes a LOT of therapy and two strong people.

Keep posting on SI, you will get a lot of support regardless of your WS's sexual orientation.

dreamlife posted 1/22/2012 06:03 AM

Welcome to SI~Hannelore!

Sending you huge hugs!

sososad713 posted 1/22/2012 14:35 PM

Although the past 7 monthshave been a living hell, I think the worst part is the "bi" thing. I believe that he believes that he doesn't need sex with men going forward and that he is commited to being faithful. He says it was just so much easier to cheat with men - more anonymous and no attachment issues. That is what we are working on in MC. I know he feels terrible about what he did. I am having a hard time understanding his sexuality. The hard thing about bisexuality is that there is no exact science. I understand straight, and I understand gay - but I have never known anyone who is both. It's tragic that the first one is my husband of 26 years. We have come a long way since D-day, but we have a long way to go. I'm glad we are working on it. If we don't make it, at least we both really tried, and we do really love each other. Other than the As with men, he has been the perfect husband and my best friend.

Hannelore posted 1/22/2012 18:43 PM

Thanks for posting, folks. I am so glad I found this forum. Only my sister and 2 best friends even know, and only 1 friend knows it was with a man...
Like Sosad, I am having trouble understanding the gay or bi thing, terrified he is really gay and I will lose him. We are madly in love and best friends, too, or so I thought.
I have been suspicious for years, because he was really weird with his cell phone and laptop, not letting me ever use it, etc. I was out of town helping a friend whose husband suddenly died on Thanksgiving, and my sister called, she had received some anonymous messages on FB that my husband was involved with a married woman.
.... anyway when I got home I got into his FB account and was shocked to read his gay sex conversation... explicit conversation that is branded in my brain now.

sososad713 posted 1/23/2012 15:11 PM

I understand the branded in your brain. I don't think I will ever forget the moment when he told me. We haven't told anyone other than our doctors and therapists. If one of my friends told me the same story, I would say - "you've got to be kidding me. He's gay, and you need to leave him". My family would never forgive him. I feel like an idiot that I didn't suspect anything now that I look back - I just trusted him completely.

Feel free to send me a private message if you need someone to listen and support you.

Hannelore posted 1/23/2012 17:29 PM

Ditto with the idiot thing - the other guy actually worked with us for several years, I thought he was my friend, too. I always thought he wanted to "swing both ways" but because we live in a small Southern Town and he is primitive Baptist he was suppressing it. Whatever. How stupid am I. Our daughter is gay, my father is Bi (or something), I have gay friends, and never, ever suspected a thing. I always thought it was women. OMG I can hardly breathe. I read these posts and cant imagine this pain going on for months, years... We are committed to staying together. I hope its possible.

Hannelore posted 1/23/2012 17:30 PM

Wow. All that sounds so whiny. But that's where I am. Cleaned the kitchen just now, monumental effort. Everything is a monumental effort.

sososad713 posted 1/24/2012 08:20 AM

It does get better. Have you seen a doctor? I had the same feeling that I couldn't breath, but I also had a constant scared panicky feeling with my heart racing. I got some pretty strong antidepressants that I took for several months, and that really helped. I don't think I could have keep it together without the medication at least for a while.

Hannelore posted 1/28/2012 22:21 PM

See next post, I messed up. Trying to use an iPad , new for me. Sorry!

[This message edited by Hannelore at 10:26 PM, January 28th (Saturday)]

Hannelore posted 1/28/2012 22:22 PM

I have not been to a dr., I have anti anxiety meds on hand, not sleeping so I will have to find a Dr.
I Live in a very small town, don't want to tell my Dr. ... Egads I still cant believe it.

Tomorrow is his birthday, I bought him a couple infidelity and sexual abuse survivor books. I thought I was doing a bit better but I don't want to be around him today. I am questioning everything in my mind, our whole marriage I guess. I am also worried about the other guy's wife, am I supposed to tell her? I hope not...

Thanks so much for your kind responses, don't know what I would do without this forum. Have a great weekend!

Hannelore posted 1/28/2012 22:32 PM

I am also having a hard time about his birthday, I am feeling guilty about not arranging the normal family get together, but I just cant do it.

Our kids are grown, and they know something is up. We have my kids and his kid, none together but I love them all the same. youngest is almost 20, he is the only one who still lives at home, but we rarely see him due to schedules etc. what to do?

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