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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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Hannelore posted 1/28/2012 22:32 PM

I am also having a hard time about his birthday, I am feeling guilty about not arranging the normal family get together, but I just cant do it.

Our kids are grown, and they know something is up. We have my kids and his kid, none together but I love them all the same. youngest is almost 20, he is the only one who still lives at home, but we rarely see him due to schedules etc. what to do?

sososad713 posted 1/30/2012 08:11 AM

Don't feel guilty about anything. Take care of yourself. You will have to decide who to tell, but I'm glad we didn't tell friends or family. Now that we are on the road to recovery, I think it's easier because they don't know and I don't have to explain why I stayed.

dreamlife posted 2/7/2012 20:15 PM

My heart goes out for all the immense suffering I read on these posts.
All I can say, personally speaking, is to take care of your self and your children. (You can be darn sure your WH has been doing just that for himself and the OM. )
And, yes, I would let his straight W know. I would want to *know* and take all the STD precautions especially with respect to HIV/HPV/Hepatitis, et al. Then there are the financial ramifications involved...all important considerations she should know about in order to inform/protect herself, too.
Wouldn't you want a kind soul to tell you?
I most certainly would.

Hannelore posted 2/7/2012 23:04 PM

He went to get tested, waiting on results. He swears they had only oral sex so hopefully all is well.

I don't think I can tell his wife... her husband should tell her. Just shoot me now. Egads....

My husband repeatedly put his mouth on that guy's penis and then came home to me. and vice versa.

He is doing everything right sofar, though, working hard to make me feel secure, giving me lots of time off from work, we own a small retail business.

He put his mouth on that goober's penis...this goes around and around in my mind many times a day. Oh my God.

sososad713 posted 2/12/2012 13:34 PM

Even if they only had oral sex, it is relatively easy to get herpes, Hep B and chlamidia. My husband got Hep B having oral sex, so you should use a condom until all of his testing comes back clean! It is even possible to get HIV from oral sex, but the chances are pretty slim. Less than 1% - but that's more of a risk than I would have ever taken had I known what he was up to!

Hannelore posted 2/25/2012 22:16 PM

Nothing posted here in awhile so I thought I would tell you about my day and hopefully get some much needed feedback/support. FWH tells me this morning he dreamed about a party we had at our house, everybody was there - including his OM - and I was ok with it, knowing it was all in the past and would never happen again. Ruined my day, left work early (FWS and I work together 2 or 3 days per week), frantically cleaned house and did laundry for a couple hours, collapsed in the tub and just bawled like a baby. Feeling better now, guess I needed that. Thank goodness I can vent some here. He bought a Roomba for my birthday - I LOVE IT. I'm a bit of a clean freak, and we live in a big old house with 4 dogs, so Roomba and I are getting along just fine. I'd like to glue some googly eyes and a tail on him. We are in love.

dreamlife posted 3/29/2012 17:20 PM

IC summed it up to me by saying, "You feel soiled".
How true!

dreamlife posted 4/15/2012 18:41 PM


ChoosingHope posted 4/24/2012 15:45 PM

Hi everyone,
I hope it's okay I'm posting here. I started in Spouses of Sex Addicts, then Separation and Divorce, then Spouses of NPDs, and now this.

All of them are applicable to my STBX.

My husband is a SA who like very dangerous S&M sex with women. And men. And groups of people. We got separated after D-Day last Sept., and he went to live with OW who is also a SA with the same proclivities.

I can't figure out if they're just pushing the barriers of their SA, but they seem to be posting quite a few Craigs List ads looking for men for my STBX (while she watches and apparently joins in afterwards).

I sat up in bed in the middle of the night last night feeling certain that my husband is gay. He's been using this woman to get S&M partners, and now he's using her to get gay partners. But it's more than that - it's a niggling feeling that I've had throughout my 15-year marriage. When the SA was exposed, I chalked up the feelings to this, not homosexuality.

But now I think it's both.

It doesn't even really matter since we're getting divorced, but I DOES matter to me for some reason. Can anyone help me figure this out? Is he bi-sexual? Just a very out-of-control and sick sex addict? Or gay?

We have two young children, and frankly I would prefer to know that he was gay than just doing all of this for thrills.

But maybe it's both.

Thank you.

Hannelore posted 5/5/2012 10:27 AM

I have no words of wisdom for you, Hope. I am responding as another BS in pain just trying to make sense of things. This thread has been kind of slow since I joined the group.

Syzy posted 5/5/2012 23:35 PM

ChoosingHope its really hard to say honestly.

He may not fully know, but his behaviour says to me that he seems bisexual. Although even that is a confusing definition. Some people are capable of being sexual with both genders but only really end up having feelings for one. In that case their behaviour is more flexible than their emotional lives.

But really if he is a sex addict it certainly adds a greater layer of confusion onto the situation.

There are a lot of people who are into SM and are only gay or straight, SA who are only gay or straight, and really he may very well be SA that is bisexual and into S&M. Even if he gets the SA taken care of he could still find he is still bisexual and into S&M. Because I gotta be honest there are enough Gay S&M dudes out there that he really doesn't need a woman as a lure.

So as disturbing as it may be I would assume he is adversing for exactly what he is into (since I doubt he is trying to impress strangers on that count)

Sorry it sounds like an awful situation.

dreamlife posted 5/9/2012 14:48 PM

ChoosingHope ~ I hope you listen to your gut about tgt (the gay thing).

Bonkaye is very informative and has a wonderful website.


bluegirl67 posted 5/14/2012 11:11 AM

Two months ago my husband broke down and told me that he has HIV because he has been unfaithful to me with other men for the past 2-3 years.....luckily I do not have HIV. we've been married 21 years, have three kids (16, 14, 8). He hasn't been interested in me sexually for years and although I've tried to talk to him about it, he's blown me off that I finally gave up. I have been in shock and didn't make him leave. We are both seeing counselors and he is begging me to give him another chance. I really don't want to, esp since I think he's been dishonest about his life for a long time. He swears he's only bisexual, still attracted to me, doesn't understand why/how he could do this but he's changed now, blah blah blah....I am so hurt and confused. If it weren't for the kids I'd have been long gone..but I almost feel sorry for him too. Bad day and I luckily found this forum. Any advice for those in my shoes is appreciated.

exhaustedHeart posted 7/30/2012 00:04 AM

Just found out my wife slept with an old female friend of hers. The woman has had a VERY risky lifestyle including drugs and jail time. She doesn't think she needs to be tested but I'm insisting and she has agreed.

Do I need to be tested or just her? Should we go to our regular docs or someplace across town where we have less risk if knowing someone?

Jrazz posted 7/30/2012 11:12 AM


sisoon posted 8/14/2012 07:48 AM

I faced the same issue. I insisted my W get tested for STDs, because she was the one who put us at risk. Since she got a clear bill of health, I haven't had to face the embarrassment of getting tested myself.

I think it's essential your W get tested.

I hope she tests safe.

exhaustedHeart posted 8/29/2012 10:28 AM

Finally convinced her to find time in her "busy life" to go get tested. I should know something in a few days.

exhaustedHeart posted 8/29/2012 10:32 AM

It AMAZES me the huge disparity between the numbers of women and men in our particular predicament. With modern Western culture seemingly so much more acceptable to lesbians than gay men, I thought there would have been more men here.

Anyone care to comment? Along the lines of my original thought, are men not considering this to be cheating because lesbians are more acceptable?

Brandon808 posted 8/29/2012 11:55 AM

To answer your question I don't think it has anything to do with perception of lesbians vs gay men. I've noticed there are more BW than BH on SI. Yet for every BW there is a BH on the other side. I think its simply because fewer men seek out and/or find SI for support. Also, some men probably don't handle same-sex AP's too well and find it difficult to come forward.
My stbxww sought out women through CL ads. In a strange way I would have preferred it if she had been lesbian. Being confused or in denial about sexual orientation would be a living hell. It is still cheating but I could come to terms with it and would have been only to willing to get out of the marriage so she could be true to herself. That is not the case. Being true to herself apparently means having multiple EA/PA with women and men...but I digress.

exhaustedHeart posted 8/29/2012 12:27 PM

it's comfy in here. Anonymity and help. To not come forward in here would be crazy but you could be right.

Brandon808 posted 8/29/2012 12:32 PM

Yes, but then you have to admit it to yourself. You have to actually type the words and put them in black-and-white. That changes things in your mind. Just like when you speak the unspeakable. It is a line in your own mind that you cross and once crossed you cannot go back. Some people cannot face certain things.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:33 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

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