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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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Brandon808 posted 8/29/2012 12:32 PM

Yes, but then you have to admit it to yourself. You have to actually type the words and put them in black-and-white. That changes things in your mind. Just like when you speak the unspeakable. It is a line in your own mind that you cross and once crossed you cannot go back. Some people cannot face certain things.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:33 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

beachgirl65 posted 8/29/2012 13:04 PM

It's interesting.. I have always identified with being bi-sexual. Before I got married I would date whomever I was attracted to.

Once I said my "I DOs", though.. that was done. Even the few times my husband suggested a 3some - it was a non issue as far as I was concerned. Didn't want to go there.

Given how open and accepting I am of other people's sexuality you would think my own WH would have been able to tell me he was attracted to men. But he still hasn't. He has always denied it.. yet I have proof that he is visiting men on craigslist.. for what? knitting advice? I think not.

Up until I started posting here I felt a sense of shame wrt WHs proclivities.. Me? Feel shame? The shame is his.. This space has been very freeing. I am hoping once I find a CSAT and can make an appointment that the freeing up of my codependant nature, etc will continue.

I want me back.. with or without him.

cmego posted 8/29/2012 13:45 PM

I've known for 2.5 years that my WS had gay affairs, and I still have problems telling people. I'm more open about it now because it is his shame, not mine. I have found that heterosexual men don't know how to deal with it very well, and some don't care to deal with it (ie...not sure about dating me). Plus, I feel for my children having to tell people for the rest of their lives that their Dad is gay.

I still feel some shame about it, like I did something wrong. People STILL ask me, "Didn't you KNOW???". He was my husband, he was having sex with would I know?

confused615 posted 8/29/2012 13:53 PM

I have always been very outspoken about gay rights. I have gay friends. Im a very open minded person. Yet my husband never told me he was bisexual. He chose to hide it from me. On d-day I found 63 men in his contact list in his secret email account. And 3 girls. He had one sexual encounter...with a man. He gave a blow job to a man in the back of our family van. Right on the same seat our children sit on. For months he told me he was just bicurious,had satisfied his curiouslity,and now had no interest. He finally admitted to being bisexual after months of me questioning him.

I keep track of the OM on facebook. WH has been NC with him since d-day. Today,OM posted a pic that said "never look down on anyone unless they're giving you head."

Im triggering like crazy right now. Im not sure how to deal with this. I hate it. I hate that WH did this. I cant look at him the same anymore. He isnt who I thought he was. I have trouble having sex with him. When he kisses me,I have images of what he did with his mouth when with OM. it's so painful. And I am so confused. I truly have no issue with gay people or what they do when they're intimate. I really dont. But this is my husband. And thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Im not sure Ive ever posted here on this thread. Im not sure why not. My story is widely known on SI. But today,after seeing the pic the Om posted on facebook,I found myself here.

So sad today. And angry as Hell at my husband.

exhaustedHeart posted 8/29/2012 16:06 PM

Brandon, I don't know. Typing the words to me actually felt good. Hearing the words come out of my wife's mouth, "yes, I slept with her", shoved my ass across any line I didn't wanna cross. At that point, it was kinda hard to not admit to myself that my wife had cheated on me. Talking about it on here were the actions that pulled my back from the ledge and eased the pain some.

[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 4:08 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]

Brandon808 posted 8/29/2012 16:35 PM

I agree, it was cathartic for me to just say it, write it. But your statement actually proves my point. Writing it, discussing it changed things for you. In your case, and mine, it changed them for the better. Not everyone sees it that way or will take that step. Because it changes things and people typically fear change.

follyandsuch posted 11/16/2012 17:05 PM

God. I needed this.

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm this one in a million freak who had this happy relationship with a healthy sex life and then BAM he's on a gay hook up site for months.

Dear lord. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I just think to myself, thank you for letting me find this place so early on after discovering his indiscretions.

I think I'd have lost my mind or something worse if I hadn't found this club of the unwilling. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am finding a small sense of normalcy that I haven't this whole week.

sisoon posted 11/18/2012 18:24 PM

folly, I just want you to know I read your post. I have no wisdom for you, except that you're not alone and that you can survive this and thrive.

dreamlife posted 12/19/2012 04:04 AM

folly~ google BonKaye......I think she can help you a lot.

(((huge hugs)))

Makingitsofar posted 12/21/2012 11:40 AM

Just wanted to let you know there is hope. I found out 17 months ago that my husband of 27 years is bisexual and had been having affairs with random men for 15 years. He got caught with an STD. To say that I was shocked and destroyed is an understatement. I have never known such pain, and I was actually close to suicidal. We have been in therapy ever since, and I can finally see a happy future. I have forgiven him for the infidelity, and we have worked through the issues that led up to us drifting apart that contributed to his cheating. I'm not saying any of it was my fault! He is responsible for it, but I did play a role. We will continue to work on the trust. I do know that I will never have that naive, complete trust - but I do believe he intends to stay faithful. Faithful means NO contact with anyone from his secret life. I asked him to kill his yahoo address, join a new gym, and NEVER get on Craig's list again. I offered to give him discreet divorce without "outing" him, but he is commited to a monogomous marriage. He is the love of my life, but he knows one more strike, no matter how small, and he's out. We are and have always been happy and great together. I truly do not understand the bi thing. I have a lot of gay friends, but this was new territory for me. I hope this helps someone out there. If you had told me 17 months ago that I would be able to wake up happy and without strong nit nicety meds, I wouldn't have believed you!! But here we are, and I think we are going to make it.

srslywtf posted 12/23/2012 16:41 PM

Thanks for posting that makingitsofar.
Seeing a little hope is inspiring. I have been especially tired and ready to give up of late. The WS says he doesn't know if he CAN be monogamous. I guess he wouldn't know, since he never tried. I want it to work, but I won't give up my happiness to do it. We'll have to see if we can be as lucky as you.

Makingitsofar posted 1/3/2013 08:46 AM

I am no professional, but if he is not committed to monogamy, then there is no hope. Take care of your own health. Even if they use protection for anal sex, you can get LOTS of stds from blow jobs - Hep B (what my husband got)' chlamydia, herpes, syphillys (an epidemic in Houston right now) and others. do not have unprotected sex with your husband. He my have admitted to "just one time"', but I would bet there have been others if he has that many contacts. I hope I am not sounding like Debbie downer, but the statistics are not good. Have you been to marriage counseling? It saved us.

dreamlife posted 1/11/2013 21:09 PM

I recently read that the STD Gonnohrea (sp?) is fast becoming unresponsive/untreatable with antibiotics!

Please be very careful!

One can pick up e coli from Dump Parties and other vile activities, too! UG

Abandoned129 posted 3/8/2013 17:18 PM

Got directed to this thread from JFO. I browsed through the threads and didn't see a lot of BH with bi/gay WW.

Found out my WW's A started 4 months nto our marriage. OW was her co-worker, my WW was her supervisor. Some time ago, can't remember if we were already married then, my wife mentioned that she had a relationship with a girl back in highschool. She assured me that it was nothing, that the relationship was just like to best friends. Now that I found out about the A, I'm wondering if she is filling a need that wasn't completed since the highschool relationship wasn't physical.
She has not given me the chance to talk to her face to face or even over the phone since she ran away on Dday.

Abandoned129 posted 3/14/2013 20:43 PM

I'm probably being stupid, my wife left the house on Dday and as far as I know is continuing her A with OW. I still want to save our marriage. Should I hold on?

sisoon posted 3/15/2013 14:33 PM

There are a few of us whose wives chose women for the ap.

My sitch is a lot different from yours. My W went NC and committed to R on D-Day, even though I held back.

You ask if you should hold on, but hold on to what? If your W isn't communicating with you, there isn't much you can do except detach and start going your own way.

You can remain open to R - and I expect I would have been open to R if my W had left for ow (after all, we had 45-ish years together) - but you owe it to yourself to start healing, rebuilding your strengths, maybe even filing for D - but there's no relationship if she won't relate.

So: my recommendation is to process your feelings, with IC help unless you really object to that, and start building a life on your own.

At the same time, keep hoping for your W to wake up and decide she wants to be monogamous with you. I trust you know the odds are very much against you - but if you want R, who cares? Maybe the odds are 1 million to 1 against you, but you could be that one.

But don't let hope ruin your life. Build your new life alone. Prepare to D.

sisoon posted 3/16/2013 13:41 PM

Also, how do you feel about your W's choice of partner?

IMO, a large part of healing is the same for all BSes, no matter whether they R or D and no matter who the ap is. That's because you have to heal yourself, and that means processing grief, anger, and fear.

Also, I thought more people lurked here. Sorry I gave you a bum steer.

cmego posted 3/16/2013 13:58 PM

My WS also had a high school sexual experience with a man, he didn't tell me about it until after d-day.

To me, especially if they have a same sex experience as a young person, they are simply trying to fight nature. Generally, if they are fighting being gay/lesbian/bi, about the time they turn 30 it becomes harder to fight. (I read this in all of the research I did....).

What are you holding on to? If she has left, you need to start closing that chapter and move on with your life. There will be someone else out there for you when you are ready. We all deserve better.

Abandoned129 posted 3/18/2013 00:26 AM

She turned 30 last August.

thissucks123 posted 4/27/2013 13:57 PM

Hi, I am new.

I found out my husband was sexting other men using that grindr app. They were exchanging pictures of their genitals and H told the guys he is married and "deep in the closet".

The whole thing was shocking; I would have never expected this to happen.

He denies being attracted to men and is blaming it on alcohol and also swears he has never physically cheated on me.

This just happened yesterday and I am a mess. I have a call in to see a therapist and am scared.

I feel betrayed and also that I don't even know the man that I married.

We have kids together, so that makes it even more complicated.

Anyway, I am glad to find a place where others have been through similar things.

Makingitsofar posted 6/6/2013 09:54 AM

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. If your husband is using the grindr app, there is a high probability that he has hooked up with one of those men. Insist that he get tested. It takes a while for some men to be honest about what they have been doing ... Initially admitting to porn, the "only a blow job" and then the real truth. Especially if they are ashamed or afraid that you will out them. I asked my husband to read "I got caught cheating, how do I save my marriage?" In it, he tells the cheating spouse to come completely clean and answer all question honestly - no matter how hard or embarrassing. You can never rebuild the trust if there are still lies out there. My husband was desperate to save the marriage. I was on the fence about staying for over a year. I'm glad I waited. After 2 years of therapy, we are on the right path. I am still working on trust, but that takes a long, long time.

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