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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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Makingitsofar posted 6/6/2013 09:54 AM

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. If your husband is using the grindr app, there is a high probability that he has hooked up with one of those men. Insist that he get tested. It takes a while for some men to be honest about what they have been doing ... Initially admitting to porn, the "only a blow job" and then the real truth. Especially if they are ashamed or afraid that you will out them. I asked my husband to read "I got caught cheating, how do I save my marriage?" In it, he tells the cheating spouse to come completely clean and answer all question honestly - no matter how hard or embarrassing. You can never rebuild the trust if there are still lies out there. My husband was desperate to save the marriage. I was on the fence about staying for over a year. I'm glad I waited. After 2 years of therapy, we are on the right path. I am still working on trust, but that takes a long, long time.

sodamnlost posted 9/9/2013 07:38 AM

Yesterday my WH told me he had a ONS with a man a few years ago. Not intercourse but orgasiams were achieved. The story I was told since March was he was curious and a guy came over but nothing happened. I just don't get it. I am bi-sexual and honestly two guys has been a fantasy of mine for as long as I can remember. I am vocal on my thoughts on gay rights. What was the point in hiding it? Hell I would have watched. I would not have had an issue with him exploring his sexuality within our marriage. I can't figure out how I feel. Gay/Bi male fantasies was my go-to dream place when normal sex fantasies were tainted with picturing WH with OW. Now even that is gone. What's left for him to take from me?

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 9/22/2013 08:03 AM

(((sodamnlost))) I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, except to focus on yourself and your kids right now.

confused615 posted 9/22/2013 08:15 AM


Im so sorry.

It's confusing,isn't it? I've been very outspoken about gay rights,equality,have gay friends,etc. He was/is well aware of all of this...yet he chose to hide this part of himself from me. WHY?

Lucyy posted 10/14/2013 14:54 PM

My bf, whom I live with and want to marry likes to engage in inquiring about same sex relationships. Since we have been together he has not participated just inquired, but I feel the time is coming.

I have seen emails, and post online looking and seeking.

How do I get past this?

sisoon posted 10/17/2013 15:34 PM


If my W sends emails (or any other type of communication) to anybody inquiring about sexual relationships, I'd have a big problem, no matter what the recipients' gender might be.

Assuming you're supposed to be exclusive with one another, why not just leave him? Alternatively, you can give him a 2nd chance: 'If you send one more inquiry, I'm outta here.'

What's keeping you from ending your relationship with this guy.

When I started on SI, I thought my sitch was very rare. It turns out it's not so rare, but what's more important, our WS's infidelity counts a lot more than the ap.

This thread doesn't get a lot of activity, so you might consider raising this issue over on R or G. I think you'd get more responses there.

Klove posted 3/30/2014 21:18 PM

My spouse does not have a same gender ap...he had a female AP but here is a post I put in divorce section that I thought I could put here. Maybe you all saw some of the same signs?

Ok. I can't believe I'm about to say this...but maybe in this vast world of SI there is someone with the same experience.
I've been toying with the idea stbxwh might be questioning his sexuality and his LTEA might be an attempt to continue running from the truth.

The facts:
- we have had a terrible sex life from early on when we were in our early-mid twenties. I used to chase him around the house begging for it. Last many years, sex might happen 4-5 times a year. This was always a big prob for me and he said it was for him too. But he was never interested. Blamed it on me and fighting.
- when we did have sex, it was never just fun sex it was always attached to some negative emotion for him- like guilt. We only really had sex when he was guilty- usually after a night of drinking and fighting with me.
- he drank a lot. All our friends wondered why he felt the need to always be the drunkest wherever we were.
- he has always been unhappy to depressed. Blamed it on me.
-when we were out, he NEVER looked at women, but I often felt like he looked at guys.
- some of our mutual friends have told me since our separation they wouldn't be surprised if...
-he abhors porn. Thinks it's embarrassing. Thinks it's disgusting. Any type.
-he is obsessed with his looks and looking trendy. Always. Not related to A.
-his Dad is gay (probably means nothing- but theories if genetics)
-whenever there is anything about anti-gay stuff in a movie or on tv, he cries. When we first heard song "same love" he bawled.
- the AP is ugly. Many have said she "looks like a teen boy".
Not to toot my own horn, but people say Im attractive and a million more times than her.
-on the tape recording of them, he was a bit aloof and she was throwing herself at him. I *think* she really was the "force" behind the A. She loves him and wasn't going to give up. I blame him- yes- but I do not feel he pursued her.
- he is so. Fucking. Angry. About everything. All the time. Anger like "something else is up here because who is THIS angry?"
- when we talk about "what if our kid was gay?" and I talk about it making zero difference to me - he cries...
- his stepdad is a redneck asshole who, when stbxwh was 15, told him to stop listening to such "homo" music and man up. Basically told him he WOULD go into
Business, make a bunch of money, get a wife. Stbxwh wanted to travel- but did everything to fit the mold stepfather laid out.
- he swears, SWEARS there was no PA. This one I'm careful about because there could be lots of reasons to lie about it...
He's certainly lied about a lot.
- I asked him once if he was gay and he lost. His. Shit. I asked him very lovingly after A was all out in the open between NC and just told him he seemed really lost, unhappy, troubled... He was furious and brought it up 3-4 times in MC after as "the biggest insult." And said "Im not gay."

Anyway- I have thought this for years waaaaay before A happened. I thought for a long time he had a crush on his male best friend.

Just wondering if anyone has experience with this? I know- it really doesn't matter at this point and it's energy into figuring him out that really should be directed elsewhere. Just wondering your thoughts...

Schadenfreude posted 4/14/2014 17:39 PM

My situation involves my wife of 25+ years and her "Same Time Next Year" affair(s) with her girlfriends. She and her girlfriends travel together every year. Fueled by alcohol, they act like 15 year old girls at summer camp. Running around the back yard nude or nearly so (the cameras probably go away when the last clothing is removed) and one year she returned totally shaved where she'd never been shaved before. About 10 years ago, I was given the task of duplicating a videotape of them on a trip which was highly redacted (by recording over much of the tape) showing them dancing in a hotel room in their underwear.

Questioning my wife results mostly in deflection. "Why do you run around the back yard without clothes?" Answer: Do you have some sort of hidden camera there? No, but she didn't know Apple iCloud
shares its pics right away. I happened across them one night while at home when she was gone. She has since deleted them and I didn't email them to my account.

I don't know how much further the sex play goes as those scenes have never to my knowledge been photographed. She simply won't answer, except to deny that she's a lesbian. That denial is probably true, but I'd feel much better if she were more interested in sex with me.

Usually, she simply goes to dinner with these ladies and arrives at home about 8:00 p.m. with food left over for me. So they aren't doing the hotel scene when home. The sex play only happens to my knowledge on trips.

Anyway, what should I do? Hidden camera and confrontation?
Get her drunk and ask after telling her I think its "hot"?

The evidence I have isn't inconclusive.

Maybe they are just reliving their youth?

Thanks for comments.

sisoon posted 4/14/2014 19:20 PM

Not a lot of activity in this forum, Schadenfreude. If you want more responses, try ICR - Betrayed Men, or G.

jo2love posted 4/14/2014 20:54 PM

Klove -

This thread is for spouses with same gender APs ONLY. Please refrain from posting, since this does not apply to your situation. Thank you.

determinata posted 4/15/2014 02:59 AM

So one of the many things that my SAWH does not like to talk about is his use of transgender prostitutes. In 2008 I installed a keylogger on our home computer and found out that he was using a prostitution review web site. One of the more disgusting posts he wrote was "ISO passable tranny for 1st timer". He tells me now (yes, 6 years later!) that he wasn't looking for his first timer because he'd already had sex with a transsexual years before. Basically, he was looking for a "hot Latina" and what showed up at his fleabag motel room was a Latino in bad drag. He was angry and humiliated at having been fooled by this sex worker but he took the oral sex anyway because he was "so horny."

He swears he isn't gay or bisexual and I don't know what to think. What I do know is that this is just disgusting beyond words.

I know this isn't a very active thread but to all of the BS's out there--you aren't alone. Hugs and healing to everyone.

[This message edited by determinata at 3:01 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]

cmego posted 4/20/2014 08:44 AM

With a few new members showing up…maybe we should try to get this thread going again.

I love to "pay it forward' since I'm one of the few old SI members that have survived this mindfuck and moved forward.

Ask away!!

emptiness2014 posted 4/22/2014 22:18 PM

Cmego- a couple of questions

1. What did you tell your kids as the reason for separating?
2. How did you get through it/ how long did it take to get to the otherwise of this mindfuck?
3. What is your relationship like with your ex now?

confused615 posted 4/23/2014 08:27 AM

I had a moment of clarity the other day.

My biggest worry isn't that he will cheat again.

It's that he is gay.

He says he's not. Says he's not bi either.

But I know better. He may be in denial, but Im not. I believe he is bisexual.

I have my ducks in a row. If he comes home and tells me one day he is gay, I will be ok. I've taken steps to make sure of that.

Sometimes I feel is is inevitable.

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 4/24/2014 19:42 PM


I have also gone through this, so I will take a try with your questions:

1. My STBX husband is still in denial that he is gay and I have teens, so we just told them that we were having problems and needed some time apart. We have been separated for two years and the kids have never asked any questions. I don't think it is ideal, but I don't want my teenage son having to think about his Dad with some guy.

2. I got through it a day at a time. I had suspected he was gay for some time as he was uninterested in sex and I found gay porn on computer, however, I had no idea that he was living a double life and carrying on a multi-year affair with a guy. I was in shock for at least a few weeks, but then started researching and realized that I needed to get my financial ducks in a row as I was a SAHM. Having something to work on helped me tremendously, but it was a struggle. I did IC for over a year and leaned on my religious beliefs for strength and comfort. It has been a hard road, but I feel pretty good two years out and am feeling like I might like to date in the next year or so.

3. Our relationship is decent. He is not my friend because friends don't do what he did, but we celebrate the kids birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving together. At first I hated doing it and only did so to keep from having to share the kids, but now I am indifferent. My youngest is now a teen, so I don't know how long I will keep it up. My situation is a bit different as he is still financial supporting us and will be doing so for sometime while I finish school.

I am here if you want to chat or have more questions.

emptiness2014 posted 4/24/2014 22:03 PM


Thanks for answering my questions.

My husband actually came out to me twice -once a year ago as bi but we wanted to work it out, then recently as gay (but again, he said he wanted to stay together and try to make this enough for him). A few days later, I hacked into his secret email account and found he had met up with a few men and had done some stuff with them (no sex, but kissing, oral etc.). I was so heartbroken. We had a great marriage - never fought, great sex life, etc. So this was so shocking to me that he could betray so much.

I confronted him and he initially only admitted to a few things.....after further digging and confrontations, he finally came clean about everything (which was backed up with all the evidence I found, that he couldn't figure out how and where I was getting it all from).

He said it wouldn't be fair to stay married, because he can't be the husband I deserve. We have two very young kids, so we are still in the house together but separate bedrooms. We have made some adjustments for holidays (Easter I still went to his family with him, but he did not come to my family's gathering). My kids are about to turn 2 and 5....and the 2 year old still wakes through the night. Due to that, and both wanting to be near the kids, and for financial reasons, it is nearly impossible for me to keep the house unless he stays living here. We have agreed to it until it no longer works for me (unlike many other stories I have read, my husband seems to be unique in that he is remorseful and agreeing to everything I say).

For a while (we are about a month post DDay) he seemed to be totally fine and not really as broken as me....but yesterday I saw him crying in his car and texted him to see if he was ok. He said he wasn't.....he was remembering all the great times we had, all the little things, how much he had loved me, and how stupid he was.....and that he can't believe he let it get to the point he did. He maintains he did not know until about 18 months ago that he was gay - that was the first time he was ever attracted to a man. And he doesn't understand it either because he was in love with me and was attracted to me (like I said, we had a great sex life). He was never cruel or mean to me - treated me like a queen. Always supportive, always affectionate and kind. Such a sweet man to me......but something has changed in him and I no longer recognise him. Yesterday was the first glimpse into the old him.

Fortunately, because he always treated me so well, it hasn't affected my confidence much, or messed with my mind as much.....what messes with me are the lies and betrayal. That someone I loved so much, and trusted completely, and gave everything to, could throw it away for a physical attraction....could lose sight of it or think it not important enough to remain faithful. Could show such a lack of kindness and respect, and could make such poor judgements (hello - anonymous hook ups?) and could continue having sex with me after meeting up with these men.

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 4/24/2014 22:22 PM

He is very right that it would not fair to be married to a gay man as you deserve someone that is completely and totally in to you. It is good that he is remorseful, but please remember that deception becomes a way of life for these guys/gals. I have learned to never take anything my STBX says or does at face value. I am on another board for straight spouses and the similarity between these guys/gals is amazing. However, since your husband has admitted he is gay, he might not be as manipulative as some.

I do understand the financial pressures as if this had happened when we were younger, I don't know how we could have afforded to live separately. However, it is very hard to move forward when you are both sharing a home. One thing to be prepared for is that when they start wanting to live their "gay life" they really put themselves first to the exclusion of the kids and everything. This is used called the "adolescent phase" because they behave like uncontrollable teens.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It is mind boggling to think that you know someone and then find out you really didn't know them at all. Check out the board that I mentioned as you will find many good perspectives there. Please know that I am here to support you as I know how difficult this is! (((emptiness)))


emptiness2014 posted 4/29/2014 11:16 AM


Surprisingly, it hasn't been too bad. I get the help with the kids waking in the night, and still get to work on finding my own life.....I go out every day (currently off work until my Dr gives the OK for me to return, but wants me scheduling one thing out of the house each day) and some evenings without having to worry about finding babysitting.

Financially, and for our kids, we will remain both in the house until I say it needs to change.

He has already experienced his "adolescence" in some ways - that's how I caught him. But I know it might get worse. At this point, he has a lot of shame over what has happened and is starting therapy soon (the earliest appointment he could get).

We keep things friendly, and it has been okay. I can't keep the house without him, and we don't want too many changes at once for our kids (my daughter is already moving schools in September, so having her daddy move out and us move would be too much - according to my therapist).

I am getting to the point where I am ready to move on.....we have clear rules. Eventually, we will both move one, but if we are still here at the house together, we don't bring anyone here. We go out to meet the person, and we will have specific nights we each get to go out with no questions (that will make it easier for me, because I won't have to see him going out with a man). We haven't started this yet - so far we are both still emotional and upset about what we are losing, and neither is ready to move on. Ironically, I think I will be ready to start dating before him....if I can just get some self-confidence back (I know I am amazing personality-wise, and any guy would be lucky to have me, but I gained weight with both pregnancies and from depression even before all this,and so I am not overly confident in the looks department.).

PollyA posted 4/29/2014 21:08 PM

I just don't get it. Does anyone else have a husband who acted out with men, but says and acts like he's committed to his marriage?

Just as my husband may becoming the husband I always thought I wanted, I now have such horrific trust issues that I'm not sure I want him!!!

Has anyone been able to trust again?

sisoon posted 4/30/2014 16:16 PM

I assume and hope that a person who's attracted to men and women can be monogamous, so it makes sense to me that your H could have acted out with men, realized he was an idiot, and is giving his all to rebuild your M.

Once trust is broken, it takes a long, long time to earn it back. Also, being betrayed could be a deal breaker for you.

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