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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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cmego posted 5/29/2014 13:17 PM

Dusty, sorry you found yourself here.

First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.

Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.

Hang in there!

Makingitsofar posted 7/10/2014 17:30 PM

I would like to respond to the comments that a bisexual is really gay and will not be able to stay faithful after cheating with men. The odds are certainly overwhelming that the marriage is doomed, but I am hoping my husband and I defy the odds. It has need 3 years since D day. It is true that it takes a very long time to move past the infidelity. I still have sad days of doubt, but my husband has been working hard to gain back my trust. Some of the comments sound like they came from the straight spouse network. If you are working to save your marriage and remain monogamous, that sight is not supportive. If you decide to end the marriage, then they probably offer a lot of support after divorce. Who knows what the future holds, but having survived those awful first years, I'm betting that we will make it!

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 7/12/2014 18:03 PM

Makingitsofar I honestly wish nothing for the best for you and your marriage. I agree with you that the straightspouse website is not good if you are trying to reconcile.

I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man ( other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

sisoon posted 7/13/2014 11:35 AM

I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.

Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:

Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?

Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.

Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.

I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.

steppingup posted 8/6/2014 10:38 AM

About two months ago I came home and smelled vagina on my WW face when I kissed her. I asked about it, she denied having given a woman oral sex, but I know she had girlfriends in college, she wont admit anything but a man never mistakes that smell for anything. The only other explaination is that she recieved oral then made out. The very idea is sickening to me.

artec posted 8/14/2014 08:43 AM

After reading through all the posts, I know this thread is pretty dormant, but I am sure there are many new victims of same gender affairs.

My story is as follows. First a little history, my wife had an affair with my best friend back in 2002. After years of working at rebuilding, roughly 5 to be truly happy again, she had another affair, this time with a lesbian friend (2013). From the events of 2002 I had promised that I would listen to my gut in future. So I caught onto the affair pretty quickly, I believe I know the full extent, however my wife lied so many times in 2002 and again when I suspected the unthinkable, that she was having an affair with another woman.

I had always said there would be no second time, a second time would mean divorce. In the end by some miracle I have managed to stick in there.

While I have managed to move on from the actual affair, some nagging questions remain. What is her true sexual preference, does she even know? When is a female friend becoming to close? Not really something I had ever had to worry about, but now I do. It just adds so much complexity to life. Another fear which seems common, will she one day decide that she is lesbian and drop me. More like is she happy or is she simply doing what she feels is right...

I wonder if this isn't best likened to opening pandora's box. Once opened there is no going back. Like she crossed a line and there is no going back. I am not sure if I imagine it or not, but I feel her personality is different now.

I know there are no answers, probably why I have never asked questions on this forum. Each situation is different, but for the sake of sharing I have written this post.

[This message edited by artec at 8:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

Schadenfreude posted 8/14/2014 09:22 AM

She could be bisexual. And therefore a cheater not someone inevitably drawn to another of the same gender.

It is very difficult,,short of a confession of sexual,attraction and acts, to know when women cross the line. To me,,their normal lives are an EA as they talk about intimate things with each other all,the time as parts,of normal conversations,,kiss each other hello and goodbye,,etc.

She could see a C to,explore why she was attracted to this woman. But she should have known of any same gender attraction from her teen years on. Just like heteros know of opposite sex attraction from those years on.

I don't buy my wife's "girls,just wanna have fun" explanation for her lurid behavior once a year with her gf's. Yet that's essentially the explanation I get.

sisoon posted 8/14/2014 16:45 PM

Oh, man, artec. A 2nd A after 11 years - that's pretty close to unbearable, but you have to bear it.

My sense is that I have to face almost all the same issues with a same-gender ap as everybody else does. The one thing that makes this easier for me is that my W's cheating with a woman could be saying I'm a lousy woman, so I must be a great man. But that's not really true - I believe the WS's A has nothing to do with the BS.

The other side of this, as you realize, is whether your W is bi or homosexual, and if she's bi, what does she have to do to be monogamous. Those are questions only she can answer.

In any case, SI can provide lots of support. Ask for what you want.

artec posted 8/15/2014 07:03 AM

Thank you for the responses. Schadenfreude, you make an interesting point with regard to female friendships being very close to EA's. In my W's case this is how it started, the lines blurred and before you know it a line has been crossed.

Before close friendships never bothered me, I believed and still do believe they are important. However, with the line that was crossed such friendships now concern me.

Anyway, my decision was that I would not police my W, that's not my idea of a marriage. If she wants our marriage to work, she needs to take control of her thoughts and actions.

sisoon, good chuckle at your comment about being a lousy woman and hence a great man .

awful posted 9/15/2014 14:23 PM

I found out a few months ago that while attending an out of state event, my husband had sex with another man. I know this because he came home and confessed through hysterical tears.

Basically he said he was at the hotel bar visiting with folks and talking to this one guy. He has a vague recollection of going up to his room but no memory of anything after that.

He acknowledged having too much to drink but said he hadn't had that much and was/is bothered that he doesn't know what happened.

A week after this revelation he came clean about 2 other affairs - both with women.

I'm obviously very confused and would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.

confused615 posted 9/15/2014 14:32 PM

Who is this guy? Why was he talking to him? What was he talking to him about? Why did he go to this man's hotel room? All of these questions need to be answered.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg.

I recommended a polygraph earlier..that advice still stands.

Also, he needs to be tested for STD's..and he needs to tell the person giving the tests that he had sex with a they test for the right things. You also need to be tested.

sisoon posted 9/16/2014 14:17 PM

I agree with confused615 on this. Your H sounds like he wants you to think he was drugged - even if that's so, testing is essential.

cmego posted 9/16/2014 15:23 PM

Yeah...I'm with the others. First, you need to be tested and insist he tests for ALL STD's and don't have sex with him.

It is pretty simple that hetero men don't have sex with other men...even if drugged or drunk. My ex drank in the earlier affairs to lower his inhibitions. You ex sounds like he is laying down a story, and my ex sure felt relieved that his "secret" was out. I heard plenty of "stories" over the years, and in a twisted way, they feel like they are "protecting us" from the truth. The truth is going to hurt us, so they tell lies assuming the lies won't hurt. It is a twisted way of thinking.

My ex was having sex with me and men, so not sure what that made him. We weren't the couple that had NO sex for years and then the guy comes out gay...we were active until d-day, then experienced hysterical bonding. Now, 4+ years later, he is out as a gay man but will sexually flirt with me.

It is confusing at best.

Feel free to reach out to any of us, there are several of us on these boards. Cheating is will get a ton of support. Also, if you can find a good therapist for YOURSELF....go.

awful posted 9/17/2014 06:39 AM

Thanks for responding, it really does help to know I am not the only woman who has ever tried to deal with this.

We both were tested for STD's and thankfully everything was negative. He confessed to me about the other man because he was afraid he had contracted something and wanted us to see our doctor.

I know he thinks he was drugged but I just can't wrap my head around that. Given that he also confessed to having affairs with 2 different women, I just do not know what to think about any of it.

Also, it seemed much easier for him to confess about his encounter with the other man than it did the other women. That confession came a week later after I pestered him to tell me everything.

He says he is ashamed, is not gay or bi and has no clue as to why that happened. I am still trying to process all of it but I can't shake the feeling that he hasn't told me everything (even though he swears he has). Maybe the polygraph idea is good but that sounds so extreme. how would I even approach the idea with him?

cmego posted 9/17/2014 17:13 PM

I can safely say that I heard the same thing, "I'm not gay or bi, I have no idea, I was just curious, it just happened, blah, blah, blah..."

The reality is that he isn't ready to face himself...or you for that matter.

I didn't go the polygraph route, I knew that I had enough information that I didn't want any additional pain. But, if I had found SI sooner, I think I would have done things differently. I would have insisted on more from him.

If you can do marriage counseling, then I would approach it in there if you aren't comfortable just telling him honestly, "I don't trust you right now to tell me the truth. A polygraph will go a long way in establishing the beginning of trust..." Also, post in the Reconciliation forum is that is what you are thinking...infidelity is infidelity. Although he cheated with men and women, the behavior patterns are the same.

Hang in there.

awful posted 9/18/2014 14:12 PM

cmego - you are right on so many levels. I actually used your words with him last night and told him I didn't think he had been totally truthful and that it might be because he couldn't face himself or me just yet.

I said that perhaps submitting to a polygraph test would really help us both get to the bottom of a few things. he readily agreed and said he would do it. we shall see.

thanks again for your advice and encouraging words, they are keeping at least part of my sanity intact.

Good1 posted 10/10/2014 11:00 AM

Please forgive me for bumping this thread but I'm new and don't quite know the ettiquitte here yet.
I am looking for anyone who has been through something similar.
I am the BS who found out last week that my WH has been calling Transexual escorts. He says he only called because he was curious and never followed through. he wants to reconcile and tells me he is straight. I have these nightmares where he leaves me for a man. I am at such a loss. I want to believe him and move on but I feel like I'm not getting the whole story.

confused615 posted 10/10/2014 16:47 PM

Hi Good1...welcome.

The truth is, straight men have no desire..nor are they curious..about being with other men. He is either gay,bi, or he has some serious foo/abuse issues to deal with.

I got a polygraph after 2.5 years of "R." it was the best thing I could have done. I only wish I had done it shortly after dday. It would have saved me so much heartache.

If I were you, I would insist on a polygraph, right away.

The chances that he didn't meet up with one of these people is very small.

Im sorry.

cmego posted 10/10/2014 17:18 PM


I'm with confused. Heterosexual men are not interested in other men. At all. They are not curious. BTW...I got that too..."I was just curious...and I'm straight..."

They WANT to be straight, but they aren't and haven't accepted that yet. They don't want to hurt you either...but they ARE hurting you. Mine truly believed that as long as I didn't know what he was doing, then I wasn't getting hurt.

I tried to R with my ex for almost 9 months before he had another affair. It was then that I realized he was just fighting the inevitable. He needed to go through his own process about accepting who he is. That isn't the type of relationship I wanted. Some people are able to maintain relationships with bi/gay spouses, but it takes a lot of open communication and I'd guess a lot of therapy.

You need to find yourself a therapist, and also go to marital counseling if you want to try to R.

YOU need support too, and that was one of the best things I did was to find a great therapist.

Good1 posted 10/11/2014 05:47 AM

Thank you confused and cmego

I have to say I left him last night. He just couldn't handle my emotional ups and downs. He had the nerve to minimize what he's done.
I just couldn't sit there and deal.

I think Ill start looking for a fabulous attorney

I'm not going to put myself through this any longer.

cmego posted 10/11/2014 08:16 AM

I know this is difficult, and part of it is the lack of empathy from your H.

My ex also minimized, "I didn't MEAN to hurt you..." and just wanted me over the anger. Those helped to propel me forward to leave him and start a new life.

I interviewed several attorneys before I found the right one for me. I viewed it as striking a financial deal for the rest of my life.

Feel free to PM me, or hang out in the other forums for support too.

Therapy was very helpful for me. Hang in there!

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