First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.
Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.
Hang in there!
I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man (exclusively...no other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.
I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.
That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.
Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:
Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?
Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.
Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.
I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.
My story is as follows. First a little history, my wife had an affair with my best friend back in 2002. After years of working at rebuilding, roughly 5 to be truly happy again, she had another affair, this time with a lesbian friend (2013). From the events of 2002 I had promised that I would listen to my gut in future. So I caught onto the affair pretty quickly, I believe I know the full extent, however my wife lied so many times in 2002 and again when I suspected the unthinkable, that she was having an affair with another woman.
I had always said there would be no second time, a second time would mean divorce. In the end by some miracle I have managed to stick in there.
While I have managed to move on from the actual affair, some nagging questions remain. What is her true sexual preference, does she even know? When is a female friend becoming to close? Not really something I had ever had to worry about, but now I do. It just adds so much complexity to life. Another fear which seems common, will she one day decide that she is lesbian and drop me. More like is she happy or is she simply doing what she feels is right...
I wonder if this isn't best likened to opening pandora's box. Once opened there is no going back. Like she crossed a line and there is no going back. I am not sure if I imagine it or not, but I feel her personality is different now.
I know there are no answers, probably why I have never asked questions on this forum. Each situation is different, but for the sake of sharing I have written this post.
[This message edited by artec at 8:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]
It is very difficult,,short of a confession of sexual,attraction and acts, to know when women cross the line. To me,,their normal lives are an EA as they talk about intimate things with each other all,the time as parts,of normal conversations,,kiss each other hello and goodbye,,etc.
She could see a C to,explore why she was attracted to this woman. But she should have known of any same gender attraction from her teen years on. Just like heteros know of opposite sex attraction from those years on.
I don't buy my wife's "girls,just wanna have fun" explanation for her lurid behavior once a year with her gf's. Yet that's essentially the explanation I get.
My sense is that I have to face almost all the same issues with a same-gender ap as everybody else does. The one thing that makes this easier for me is that my W's cheating with a woman could be saying I'm a lousy woman, so I must be a great man. But that's not really true - I believe the WS's A has nothing to do with the BS.
The other side of this, as you realize, is whether your W is bi or homosexual, and if she's bi, what does she have to do to be monogamous. Those are questions only she can answer.
In any case, SI can provide lots of support. Ask for what you want.
Before close friendships never bothered me, I believed and still do believe they are important. However, with the line that was crossed such friendships now concern me.
Anyway, my decision was that I would not police my W, that's not my idea of a marriage. If she wants our marriage to work, she needs to take control of her thoughts and actions.
sisoon, good chuckle at your comment about being a lousy woman and hence a great man .
Basically he said he was at the hotel bar visiting with folks and talking to this one guy. He has a vague recollection of going up to his room but no memory of anything after that.
He acknowledged having too much to drink but said he hadn't had that much and was/is bothered that he doesn't know what happened.
A week after this revelation he came clean about 2 other affairs - both with women.
I'm obviously very confused and would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.
I think this is the tip of the iceberg.
I recommended a polygraph earlier..that advice still stands.
Also, he needs to be tested for STD's..and he needs to tell the person giving the tests that he had sex with a man..so they test for the right things. You also need to be tested.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It is pretty simple that hetero men don't have sex with other men...even if drugged or drunk. My ex drank in the earlier affairs to lower his inhibitions. You ex sounds like he is laying down a story, and my ex sure felt relieved that his "secret" was out. I heard plenty of "stories" over the years, and in a twisted way, they feel like they are "protecting us" from the truth. The truth is going to hurt us, so they tell lies assuming the lies won't hurt. It is a twisted way of thinking.
My ex was having sex with me and men, so not sure what that made him. We weren't the couple that had NO sex for years and then the guy comes out gay...we were active until d-day, then experienced hysterical bonding. Now, 4+ years later, he is out as a gay man but will sexually flirt with me.
It is confusing at best.
Feel free to reach out to any of us, there are several of us on these boards. Cheating is cheating...you will get a ton of support. Also, if you can find a good therapist for YOURSELF....go.
We both were tested for STD's and thankfully everything was negative. He confessed to me about the other man because he was afraid he had contracted something and wanted us to see our doctor.
I know he thinks he was drugged but I just can't wrap my head around that. Given that he also confessed to having affairs with 2 different women, I just do not know what to think about any of it.
Also, it seemed much easier for him to confess about his encounter with the other man than it did the other women. That confession came a week later after I pestered him to tell me everything.
He says he is ashamed, is not gay or bi and has no clue as to why that happened. I am still trying to process all of it but I can't shake the feeling that he hasn't told me everything (even though he swears he has). Maybe the polygraph idea is good but that sounds so extreme. how would I even approach the idea with him?
The reality is that he isn't ready to face himself...or you for that matter.
I didn't go the polygraph route, I knew that I had enough information that I didn't want any additional pain. But, if I had found SI sooner, I think I would have done things differently. I would have insisted on more from him.
If you can do marriage counseling, then I would approach it in there if you aren't comfortable just telling him honestly, "I don't trust you right now to tell me the truth. A polygraph will go a long way in establishing the beginning of trust..." Also, post in the Reconciliation forum is that is what you are thinking...infidelity is infidelity. Although he cheated with men and women, the behavior patterns are the same.
Hang in there.
I said that perhaps submitting to a polygraph test would really help us both get to the bottom of a few things. he readily agreed and said he would do it. we shall see.
thanks again for your advice and encouraging words, they are keeping at least part of my sanity intact.
The truth is, straight men have no desire..nor are they curious..about being with other men. He is either gay,bi, or he has some serious foo/abuse issues to deal with.
I got a polygraph after 2.5 years of "R." it was the best thing I could have done. I only wish I had done it shortly after dday. It would have saved me so much heartache.
If I were you, I would insist on a polygraph, right away.
The chances that he didn't meet up with one of these people is very small.
I'm with confused. Heterosexual men are not interested in other men. At all. They are not curious. BTW...I got that too..."I was just curious...and I'm straight..."
They WANT to be straight, but they aren't and haven't accepted that yet. They don't want to hurt you either...but they ARE hurting you. Mine truly believed that as long as I didn't know what he was doing, then I wasn't getting hurt.
I tried to R with my ex for almost 9 months before he had another affair. It was then that I realized he was just fighting the inevitable. He needed to go through his own process about accepting who he is. That isn't the type of relationship I wanted. Some people are able to maintain relationships with bi/gay spouses, but it takes a lot of open communication and I'd guess a lot of therapy.
You need to find yourself a therapist, and also go to marital counseling if you want to try to R.
YOU need support too, and that was one of the best things I did was to find a great therapist.
I have to say I left him last night. He just couldn't handle my emotional ups and downs. He had the nerve to minimize what he's done.
I just couldn't sit there and deal.
I think Ill start looking for a fabulous attorney
I'm not going to put myself through this any longer.