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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dusty, sorry you found yourself here.

First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.

Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.

Hang in there!

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
♀ New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to respond to the comments that a bisexual is really gay and will not be able to stay faithful after cheating with men. The odds are certainly overwhelming that the marriage is doomed, but I am hoping my husband and I defy the odds. It has need 3 years since D day. It is true that it takes a very long time to move past the infidelity. I still have sad days of doubt, but my husband has been working hard to gain back my trust. Some of the comments sound like they came from the straight spouse network. If you are working to save your marriage and remain monogamous, that sight is not supportive. If you decide to end the marriage, then they probably offer a lot of support after divorce. Who knows what the future holds, but having survived those awful first years, I'm betting that we will make it!

Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
♀ New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makingitsofar I honestly wish nothing for the best for you and your marriage. I agree with you that the straightspouse website is not good if you are trying to reconcile.

I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man ( other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.

Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:

Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?

Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.

Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.

I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.

fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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