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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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dreamlife posted 10/1/2007 14:07 PM

hmmmmm, good question, Crossbow!

bunkerette posted 10/2/2007 17:54 PM

Hi, I was shown the way over here. I am glad to know I'm not the only person dealing with's my thread:

father of 4 posted 10/2/2007 17:58 PM

Welcome bunkerette!

bunkerette posted 10/2/2007 18:25 PM

Dreamlife - your post about your husband joking about doing his boss kinda reminded me of something. At one point I had asked ex if he wanted to have an open relationship so he could sleep with other people (I was so frustrated from lack of sex) that he looked at me like I had sprouted an extra head and said 'why on earth would I want to sleep with other girls?'

bunkerette posted 10/2/2007 18:25 PM

Thank you for the welcome Fatherof4 =)

dreamlife posted 10/2/2007 20:57 PM

Welcome bunkerette!

I just got threw putting primer on my house n am I have not read your story yet so I'll be back in a bit or feel free to also PM me.

'with other girls'!


Oh, my WH about "doing" other guys went on for years n years...but, he was always 'just kidding' when it started to really tick me off!

How long did yours have loss of libido? Mine went over 6 months with ED...I thought it was the meds he was on. But he turned his back on me, too!

dreamlife posted 10/3/2007 14:26 PM


I was able to read your posts in General.

My WH was into a bit of "everything", including cross dressing, numerous fetishes, & paraphilias.

Being a very liberal person, I thought: Well, he's just "experimenting"...after all I can wear pants (he brought that up as a "justification", too )...then he wanted his toe nails painted RED with My Polish...used to powder his nose before going to work to take the shine off, etc.
Well, hmmmmm.....

Then the ED happened & I was starved for not just "cuddling", but for sex as well. I wanted to feel DESIRED as a WOMAN. He had shut down!
(He still denied he was bi/gay till I saw the gay porn on the PC! And, then he STILL DENIED THIS!!!)

I've been betrayed with my straight XH with a best friend, etc.
What makes this a very different situation is...WH is who he is...he's NOT gonna change...once I accepted this fact it really helped me (even though WH changes his story from week to week and now is merely "asexual"--NOT! )

No doubt WH will find yet another "Cover Wife" # 3
because he's deceptive, dishonest, & has huge personality disorder problems as well.

He did admit he has a fear of 'being too OLD to jump into the Gay Lifestyle...has a fear of strangers', etc., so he's clinging to me more like a mother figure/pal...but wanna know what really pisses me off?

He has not APOLOGIZED for shattering My Life & "our future" which I was really looking forward to!

He has not apologized to his XW either...& she always wanted children. (He lied and said he did, too.)

WH is a pathetic POS!

I have bi/gay relatives and friends and they are wonderful, loving, monogamous people with CHARACTER.

IC has helped me so much, as has my family physician.

BOTH have urged me to Move On with my doc actually said, "Don't look at those hurtful gay porn pix on the PC, again, and start dating!"

Well, I'm understandably very skittish about this "dating" thing, have huge TRUST ISSUES, & after being blown away with this bi/gay revelation (which he mind fucks/gaslights me by changing, often!), I really hope that I can...TRUST...fully...again.

However, I have met a few fellows (I like one in particular quite a bit) and though I have not gone on any real dates truly IS so therapeutic to feel wanted/desired once again.

It just takes time...the anger, the rage, all of that needs to be processed.

A truly wonderful support group on yahoo is Wives of Bi/Gay H (WOBGH) and they helped me so much when he first told me.

Also, books by Bonnie Kaye and her monthly newsletter.

Are you in IC?

Yes, they want to stay M because its a "safe haven", I have learned.
But, its NOT FAIR or good for YOU!

Your life is passing you by and there are many decent *straight* men out there.

Please keep posting...& we will try to help you all that we can.

I used to feel just HORRIBLE & UGLY...& like My Life WAS So Totally Over...well, its not.

I'm just getting my second wind going now!

((((huge hugs))))

PS Sent you a PM, too.

bunkerette posted 10/4/2007 23:37 PM


I'm sick right now so I'll write a better post when I'm not so out of it, lol....

The worst was that I was used and the fact that I honestly felt there was something wrong with me cause I couldn't turn him on... blah.

And yep, I got the same denials from the gay porn on the computer....

dreamlife posted 10/5/2007 10:46 AM

Oh, I understand, same feelings right here ...& hope you feel better soon.

This stuff can literally make one ILL.


dreamlife posted 10/6/2007 12:05 PM

Clothing...WH had this pair of super tight jeans.
It looked like he was poured into them.

Nouveau posted 10/6/2007 12:30 PM

Clothing.. yes. Big red flag.

He used to dress in army fatigues most of the time. Camo pants... super macho stuff. But then one Halloween he found a BALLET COSTUME... complete with a tutu. And wore it all day and that night. With tights!

I should have known then.

dreamlife posted 10/6/2007 12:45 PM

This sounds very familiar!

ETA: Except he NEVER wore anything remotely "macho".
It was like he has an allergy to mannish/macho clothes. WH dressed very executive/preppie/femme.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:54 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]

Nouveau posted 10/7/2007 09:07 AM

My bi-XH looked more like one of the Village People in his camo fatigues.

And gay men used to notice him. I think he was giving off that sort of message.

dreamlife posted 10/7/2007 09:31 AM

Yes, I know what you mean about 'give off that message'...mine did lots of "people watching", too, with those longing, lingering looks etc.

Snowy posted 10/8/2007 01:12 AM

Hi I'm glad I found this site.

Short facts are;

1 Married 18 years
2 Have 3 kids
3 Wife had affair with another woman 18 months ago
4 Had no idea about same sex attraction
5 Still together & slowly recovering I think

There are so many questions. The big question is;

Is my wife bi or gay? How do you tell? How do you know this is not one big show????

dreamlife posted 10/8/2007 06:06 AM

Welcome, Snowy!

father of 4 posted 10/8/2007 10:12 AM


Been there! This is indeed a hard nut to crack! The problem is, unless you get her to be completely honest with you, I don't know that there is any way to know for sure. In the absence of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

dreamlife posted 10/8/2007 11:41 AM

Snowy, are you in IC, or in MC?

She needs to be completely TRANSPARENT.

My WH is NOT.

He's still having *AMNESIA*.

And, with respect to my bi/gay WH~ that old adage rings true for me: "You cannot put a square peg in a round hole".

It is what it is, and not what we had hoped it would be. (sadtoo's sig line).

I no longer "love" him. I simply can never ever trust him ever again.
(Sometimes, I still feel so I can't trust anyone!)

He's just a deceptive, dishonest NPD person and OUT of my life forever -- as I struggle to pick up all the shattered pieces.

Nouveau posted 10/9/2007 15:03 PM

Just a thought... One of my best friends is bi. She is married to a wonderful man. She has never been unfaithful to him. She considers it cheating whether it is with another male or a female AP.

So the bisexual issue is not always a recipe for unfaithfulness. She is happy and fulfilled in her marriage.

Then again, I feel if one partner leans more toward being gay (than being bi), it is a recipe for disaster in a man-woman relationship.

bunkerette posted 10/9/2007 15:59 PM

Nouveau - When i first found out about all this stuff I feared for my lingerie and panties. I chucked it all out and bought new stuff.....

What a mess. I felt literally ill that *maybe* he had worn MY stuff to get off on...

dreamlife posted 10/9/2007 16:10 PM

Yes, agree about The Monogamy Aspect.

Bunkerette, I felt this way only when bi/gay/??? WH wanted to KISS me.
I guess because I didn't KNOW exactly WHERE his lips had BEEN...& that made me want to hurl!

If he wanted to wear my problem. Just don't be sneaky about it.

For awhile, it was like playing "dress up"...he got so excited!

He never left any marks or stains on my clothing, shoes, etc.

But, after awhile, I really craved having a MAN in my life.
You know, like how it was going to be in the beginning.

The worst thing was how he wanted to seemingly DO never ended!
Multiple paraphilias is the term, I guess.

I got tired "accomodating" THAT, you know?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:12 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]

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