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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmmm, good question, Crossbow!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I was shown the way over here. I am glad to know I'm not the only person dealing with this...here's my thread:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=190086&HL=13544


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
father of 4
♂ Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome bunkerette!


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 3201'22" N 8106'05" W
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamlife - your post about your husband joking about doing his boss kinda reminded me of something. At one point I had asked ex if he wanted to have an open relationship so he could sleep with other people (I was so frustrated from lack of sex) that he looked at me like I had sprouted an extra head and said 'why on earth would I want to sleep with other girls?'

Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the welcome Fatherof4 =)

Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome bunkerette!

I just got threw putting primer on my house n am exhausted...plus I have not read your story yet so I'll be back in a bit or feel free to also PM me.

'with other girls'!

Wow!!

Oh, my WH about "doing" other guys went on for years n years...but, he was always 'just kidding' when it started to really tick me off!

How long did yours have loss of libido? Mine went over 6 months with ED...I thought it was the meds he was on. But he turned his back on me, too!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bunkerette~

I was able to read your posts in General.

My WH was into a bit of "everything", including cross dressing, numerous fetishes, & paraphilias.

Being a very liberal person, I thought: Well, he's just "experimenting"...after all I can wear pants (he brought that up as a "justification", too )...then he wanted his toe nails painted RED with My Polish...used to powder his nose before going to work to take the shine off, etc.
Well, hmmmmm.....

Then the ED happened & I was starved for not just "cuddling", but for sex as well. I wanted to feel DESIRED as a WOMAN. He had shut down!
(He still denied he was bi/gay till I saw the gay porn on the PC! And, then he STILL DENIED THIS!!!)

I've been betrayed with my straight XH with a best friend, etc.
What makes this a very different situation is...WH is who he is...he's NOT gonna change...once I accepted this fact it really helped me (even though WH changes his story from week to week and now is merely "asexual"--NOT! )

No doubt WH will find yet another "Cover Wife" # 3
because he's deceptive, dishonest, & has huge personality disorder problems as well.

He did admit he has a fear of 'being too OLD to jump into the Gay Lifestyle...has a fear of strangers', etc., so he's clinging to me more like a mother figure/pal...but wanna know what really pisses me off?

He has not APOLOGIZED for shattering My Life & "our future" which I was really looking forward to!

He has not apologized to his XW either...& she always wanted children. (He lied and said he did, too.)

WH is a pathetic POS!

I have bi/gay relatives and friends and they are wonderful, loving, monogamous people with CHARACTER.

IC has helped me so much, as has my family physician.

BOTH have urged me to Move On with my life...my doc actually said, "Don't look at those hurtful gay porn pix on the PC, again, and start dating!"

Well, I'm understandably very skittish about this "dating" thing, have huge TRUST ISSUES, & after being blown away with this bi/gay revelation (which he mind fucks/gaslights me by changing, often!), I really hope that I can...TRUST...fully...again.

However, I have met a few fellows (I like one in particular quite a bit) and though I have not gone on any real dates YET...it truly IS so therapeutic to feel wanted/desired once again.

It just takes time...the anger, the rage, all of that needs to be processed.

A truly wonderful support group on yahoo is Wives of Bi/Gay H (WOBGH) and they helped me so much when he first told me.

Also, books by Bonnie Kaye and her monthly newsletter.

Are you in IC?

Yes, they want to stay M because its a "safe haven", I have learned.
But, its NOT FAIR or good for YOU!

Your life is passing you by and there are many decent *straight* men out there.

Please keep posting...& we will try to help you all that we can.

I used to feel just HORRIBLE & UGLY...& like My Life WAS So Totally Over...well, its not.

I'm just getting my second wind going now!

((((huge hugs))))

PS Sent you a PM, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife,

I'm sick right now so I'll write a better post when I'm not so out of it, lol....

The worst was that I was used and the fact that I honestly felt there was something wrong with me cause I couldn't turn him on... blah.

And yep, I got the same denials from the gay porn on the computer....


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I understand, same feelings right here ...& hope you feel better soon.

This stuff can literally make one ILL.

((((((hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clothing...WH had this pair of super tight jeans.
It looked like he was poured into them.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clothing.. yes. Big red flag.

He used to dress in army fatigues most of the time. Camo pants... super macho stuff. But then one Halloween he found a BALLET COSTUME... complete with a tutu. And wore it all day and that night. With tights!

I should have known then.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 6th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sounds very familiar!

ETA: Except he NEVER wore anything remotely "macho".
It was like he has an allergy to mannish/macho clothes. WH dressed very executive/preppie/femme.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:54 PM, October 6th (Saturday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My bi-XH looked more like one of the Village People in his camo fatigues.

And gay men used to notice him. I think he was giving off that sort of message.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 7th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I know what you mean about 'give off that message'...mine did lots of "people watching", too, with those longing, lingering looks etc.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I'm glad I found this site.

Short facts are;

1 Married 18 years
2 Have 3 kids
3 Wife had affair with another woman 18 months ago
4 Had no idea about same sex attraction
5 Still together & slowly recovering I think

There are so many questions. The big question is;

Is my wife bi or gay? How do you tell? How do you know this is not one big show????


Posts: 161 | Registered: Mar 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Snowy!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
father of 4
♂ Member
Member # 5866
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snowy....


Been there! This is indeed a hard nut to crack! The problem is, unless you get her to be completely honest with you, I don't know that there is any way to know for sure. In the absence of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.


"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." -Samuel Johnson

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: 3201'22" N 8106'05" W
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 8th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Snowy, are you in IC, or in MC?

She needs to be completely TRANSPARENT.

My WH is NOT.

He's still having *AMNESIA*.

And, with respect to my bi/gay WH~ that old adage rings true for me: "You cannot put a square peg in a round hole".

It is what it is, and not what we had hoped it would be. (sadtoo's sig line).

I no longer "love" him. I simply can never ever trust him ever again.
(Sometimes, I still feel so paranoid...like I can't trust anyone!)

He's just a deceptive, dishonest NPD person and OUT of my life forever -- as I struggle to pick up all the shattered pieces.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought... One of my best friends is bi. She is married to a wonderful man. She has never been unfaithful to him. She considers it cheating whether it is with another male or a female AP.

So the bisexual issue is not always a recipe for unfaithfulness. She is happy and fulfilled in her marriage.

Then again, I feel if one partner leans more toward being gay (than being bi), it is a recipe for disaster in a man-woman relationship.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
bunkerette
Member
Member # 13544
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau - When i first found out about all this stuff I feared for my lingerie and panties. I chucked it all out and bought new stuff.....

What a mess. I felt literally ill that *maybe* he had worn MY stuff to get off on...


Posts: 82 | Registered: Feb 2007
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