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Spouses with Same Gender APs.

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dreamlife posted 10/9/2007 16:10 PM

Yes, agree about The Monogamy Aspect.

Bunkerette, I felt this way only when bi/gay/??? WH wanted to KISS me.
I guess because I didn't KNOW exactly WHERE his lips had BEEN...& that made me want to hurl!

If he wanted to wear my problem. Just don't be sneaky about it.

For awhile, it was like playing "dress up"...he got so excited!

He never left any marks or stains on my clothing, shoes, etc.

But, after awhile, I really craved having a MAN in my life.
You know, like how it was going to be in the beginning.

The worst thing was how he wanted to seemingly DO never ended!
Multiple paraphilias is the term, I guess.

I got tired "accomodating" THAT, you know?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:12 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]

Nouveau posted 10/9/2007 20:18 PM

Yeah, dreamlife. I know.

dreamlife posted 10/10/2007 12:24 PM

Gosh, it feels so GOOD to know that there are others who 'know' and understand!

WH is off work today...I usually give him a call about 1-2X a month but since I just talked to him last week, I doubt that I will.

And, this is a RELIEF!

I have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO than chat about the weather, politics, or his weenie job!

Crossbow posted 10/10/2007 19:28 PM

I, too, have several friends who are bi & happily married. Bisexual people can certainly be monogamous, if that is their desire. Think about it, are you youself so attracted to people of the opposite sex that you MUST have sex with them? Probably not. Same for bisexual people who believe in monogamy.

My FWW may be bi, not sure. She used to consider herself bi, although her involvement with women was lacking the electric sexual attraction she always had to men. So her involvement with OM was *very* graphic and sexual (although he was 2000 miles away, which saved us a PA), while her involvement with OW was making out, tongue-kissing ( ) and such. Actually, she gets nauseous.

But the fact that she had a same-sex AP still gets to me. When I first found out, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her for about 3 weeks. It about killed her emotionally, but she knew she had bought & paid for that reaction herself.

dreamlife posted 10/10/2007 20:02 PM

yes, they can, CB.

there is a woman who is M to a bi-H.

They have children and he has been true to keeping his vows with her.

She calls it having CHARACTER.

Crossbow posted 10/11/2007 17:41 PM

Having CHARACTER. Gee, what a concept....

dreamlife posted 10/12/2007 12:20 PM

Yeah, Crossbow, who woulda thunk...

dreamlife posted 10/19/2007 00:06 AM

I loathe him.

dreamlife posted 10/20/2007 16:40 PM

Its odd, you know, now that WH is talking about Legal Seperation with "alimony" for me (because 'I care about you')...he's acting & sounding VERY STRAIGHT.

dreamlife posted 10/25/2007 08:33 AM

I talked to him on the phone last night...WH was very, VERY INTERESTED in that Dumbledore character in the harry potter book who is Gay.
He wanted to know what were all the "signs".
and, when I told him...he *GIGGLED* in that femme way.

dreamlife posted 10/26/2007 23:07 PM

Oh, I saw this elsewhere:

'At least that GAY male character in Harry Potter is NOT married'!

dreamlife posted 10/31/2007 20:10 PM

Well, "dress up" night is finally here. My WH's favorite night of the year!

dreamlife posted 11/15/2007 07:56 AM

Spoke to WH last night on the phone...he's found a new male " young & attractive" Chiropracter close by where he lives...

Said...'he might even LIKE old guys like me'...

Hmmm...Sounds like...the beginning stages of a new Xmas "Crush" me.

dreamlife posted 11/23/2007 09:35 AM

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving
Well, this is the 2nd one that WH did not get the opportunity to ruin...when I get on the other boards about being M to a bi/gay person, the one thing that jumps out is: horrible *loneliness*

Laymacia posted 12/3/2007 02:42 AM

I've not experienced this personally, but if I did... I would be destroyed completely. I have enough insecurity issues as it is. I already feel like I'm not good enough as a person itself, but to then find out that I'm not good enough as a woman as well? Oy.

Betrayed74 posted 12/5/2007 15:10 PM

As we were mid-breakup (leaving me for another woman and having had many affairs that I didn't know about) it was revealed that my ex-WS had a gay affair in the beginning of our relationship. He said it 'wasn't sex' because it was 'only oral'. Um, yeah. He refused to admit that he was bi even though he and this man met at least 'several times'. I suspect he met up with that man more times during our relationship based on some strange Yahoo IM profiles I had found. I also recall finding occasional gay porn on his computer mixed in with girlies. Duh. I now know I was in denial.

I was shocked at this news. I had asked him straight up (ha ha)years ago if he had ever been with a man and he said, 'No, no way'.

Honestly, although my best friend is a gay man, I was completely disgusted when I learned of this. I called him names--not nice ones and certainly not ones I'd call my best friend.

It made me question if I'm too closed-minded...maybe it shouldn't matter if he is it just my issue? etc. But I do think that as a partner, you have a *right* to know, to make informed decisions. I had asked him...he lied.

I'd never really believed in bi. In my experience (which admittedly is limited) the bi girls always ended up with men and the bi boys always ended up with men, too. So, this made me think. Either there really IS bi or else my husband is gay and closeted or in denial.

He said he was curious. He was manic (Bipolar) and feeling sexually deviant. He says he's not 'bi', he's just a sexual deviant.

I'm not sure there is a difference.

Ugh. Even though we're not together anymore (been a month), I still think about it. I know he was never totally honest about the number of affairs/cheating and with whom, so I just can't help but think there were more men mixed in with all those women.

The fact of the matter though, is that he cheated on me. Man or woman...he cheated. He cheated with men AND women so I guess at this point what difference does it make?

Somehow it does, though. Wish it didn't.

dreamlife posted 12/6/2007 11:28 AM

IC said bipolars have a very *wide spectrum* of sexual deviance due to Hypersexuality.

He sounds so much like my WH.

Is he on meds to be stabilized?

With bipolars...'anyone/everything' is sexual "fair game" according to IC.

Straight men don't have gay male porn on the computer...nope!

(((((huge hugs))))

Betrayed74 posted 12/6/2007 11:49 AM

Thanks for the hugs. I can use all I can get, this is all so new.

He is on meds...but, he's also an alcoholic and you could take your meds every morning and night and still not be stable if you drink as much as he now does. He missed his evening meds almost every day because he'd pass out or forget b/c he was too drunk. And, as a BP1, he was mania-prone and not very depressive at all. I find depression much much more easy to deal with.

I don't know why I was such an idiot to believe I'd be immune to the fallout of mania. I know that sexual deviance, promiscuity, lies, etc are SO common. Oh, me in denial.

He *is* sexually deviant, but all I knew about was his submissive needs and I played along when I found out about it because I wanted him to be happy and satisfied. I think he was trying to say that the man on man thing was another form of deviance/submission (made a point of telling me he was on the bottom--thanks for he visual), but. Hm.

I don't know. How is watching a vid of a guy jerking off submissive? It's deviant...but it's only truly deviant if he really is straight and looking at it. Otherwise, it's just bi in the closet. Does that make sense? 99.9% of the porn on his computer was women, though.

I've heard BP1's described as tri-sexual. They'll try anything.

I'd like to think that ALL of his cheating/affairs were mania/alcohol induced and not a result of horrible character and lack of morality and love for me, but really, where do you draw the line? What is the distinction? Too hard to separate at the end and I guess ultimately it didn't matter. He chose to fall in love and leave and THEN I found out about all of this sh*t.

He was so drunk and manic when he told me about the man that he gave painful painful was gross and mean-spirited to tell me how much he liked this or that or how much it turned him on to think of it right then, etc.

I had nightmares about it ALL night that night.

dreamlife posted 12/6/2007 12:09 PM

Bipolars are NOT supposed to drink alcohol.
He has a LOT of *Issues* & I really feel for you, sweetie.

After my XH put me through 2 decades of alcoholism & pot smoking (heroin-laced!) tantrums, I was determined to be a "spinster with 99 cats and a parakeet" rather then ever live with this sitch, again!

Enter devious & dishonest online Prince Charming...he actually admitted recently he M his XW as "cover" because he was nearly 40 & people were starting to "TALK" at work...admitted he M me as a *Cover Wife* as well.

This POS has NO character!

And, frankly, I don't give a RIP about his PD's & *other Issues*, etc.

He betrayed ME, period.

Sometimes the female porn can also be a way to deflect suspicion of his bi/gay-ness or they also actually fantasize being the *woman* in the scene, just so you know.

Bonnie Kaye has some really good info online plus a support chat, & aol also has Support for Str8 Spouses, & yahoo as well (Wives of bi/gay husbands).

It IS a nightmare. And, I really feel for you!

Hang in there & keep are NOT alone.

Betrayed74 posted 12/6/2007 15:46 PM

Thank you. It's a tough much as I despise him right now, I won't go blabbing this information all over the place. Only a couple of close friends know about it...

Why does it embarrass ME? It's just yet another thing that he's done that makes me feel humiliated. I tell you--I learned about ALL of his infidelities the last night he was at the house. Talk about shock--bad enough he was leaving me for another woman but the to find out about all the rest in one last night (during which he asked, 'Is it too late to work on you and me?')


Thanks for the Bonnie Kaye info...I'll check it out. Still, he won't admit that he's 'bi'! Remember...just deviant.

dreamlife posted 12/7/2007 09:47 AM

B74, its not uncommon for them to be in such *denial*--even to themselves!!! They will take this *horrible secret* to their grave, or as you have said, term it something else like 'being sexually deviant'.

So tragic!

Well, it helps me to talk about it...I'm not keeping ANY of his filthy little *secrets*, either.

I felt humiliated, but in a different sense. I fel like...damn, how could this Asswipe have fooled me in this manner? How could I have been so utterly clue less??
(But, then, he managed to fool EVERYONE as well!)

Now, I wonder how he can go about town like nothing has ever *happened*...OMG, in that very first recent e-mail to me yesterday, he writes like nothing has ever *happened*!
Its incredible...picking up the thread like that...

Oh, I forgot: He's also NPD & I guess the OCD aspect/personnae was hitting the keyboard.

All I can say is that you WILL get much understanding & validation from Bonnie.

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