SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
Spouses with Same Gender APs.
B74, its not uncommon for them to be in such *denial*--even to themselves!!! They will take this *horrible secret* to their grave, or as you have said, term it something else like 'being sexually deviant'.
Well, it helps me to talk about it...I'm not keeping ANY of his filthy little *secrets*, either.
I felt humiliated, but in a different sense. I fel like...damn, how could this Asswipe have fooled me in this manner? How could I have been so utterly clue less??
(But, then, he managed to fool EVERYONE as well!)
Now, I wonder how he can go about town like nothing has ever *happened*...OMG, in that very first recent e-mail to me yesterday, he writes like nothing has ever *happened*!
Its incredible...picking up the thread like that...
Oh, I forgot: He's also NPD & bipolar...so I guess the OCD aspect/personnae was hitting the keyboard.
All I can say is that you WILL get much understanding & validation from Bonnie.
dreamlife...NPD=Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
If so, I was reading up on that yesterday. It seems to fit, but then again it seems to fit for A LOT of people I know. 'Personality Disorders' are a bit strange to me. From what I've read of them it seems to easy to apply to so many people.
Was this a diagnosis in your ex?
It was one of them, B74.
In what way are they a bit 'strange' to you? Just curious...
[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:14 PM, December 7th (Friday)]
Because SO many people fit them...or combinations of them. Some things are think are just human nature.
Now ones that sociopathic...that one's a bit more rare, but NPD and BPD I just see all over the place.
WH has gotten me a cell phone. He set up an online acct. for "us". I went into it yesterday.
The feeling was incredible.
But, then, I got pissed off...I sent him an email asking why it couldn't have always been this way from the onset...like being that Open Book he claimed to be instead of one so full of *secrets*!
Then I realized he had told me a bunch of LIES yet again & had stalled for time in giving me this info on the NEW/OLD acct because he had been in there busily "cleaning it up"...wiping out numbers in that special My Circle of Deviants, texts, etc...and I fucking loathe him so much again.
He takes with the one hand, & just gives me a teensy bit with the other.
I am still finding all the "I can relates" on this board...
my husband struggles with SSA...(same sex attraction)...I would say that is 99% of his struggle...I'll have to ask him though...what he would say is the actual percentag of his struggle....
he has all of his life and had "experimented" in this area before marriage....and has always let me know in many sad sick ways that he would always feel like something was "missing" because I didn't have something between my legs that was male...and then he goes and has an affair with a woman....
many years ago early in our marriage there was a ONS "thing"....it didn't involve intercourse or ejaculation...but he fondled another male......I processed it as ADULTERY...which it was...thought he would NEVER want to hurt me in that way again....FORGAVE him COMPLETELY and did not hold it over his head....but now having gone through this A with my supposed "friend--OW"...I know that that past wound is completely scraped wide open along with the cannon ball that blasted through my chest from this A.
My "friend" circled my husband and told him it was okay for him to want that and she would be there for him "even when he found that man who fulfilled his every fantasy"...that is from one of her emails to him....she supported and encouraged his perversions.....I supported and loved him completely knowing he had struggles but I sinderely thought he was being honest with me and fighting those demons.....but I was viewed as "controlling" because I wanted and thought I deserved a faithful honest husband.....she was the "accepting" one because she wanted to smash our family apart....and to think I was HER LOYAL FRIEND AND HIS LOVING LOYAL WIFE!!!!
I really believed my husband was being faithful and that we had already been through so much together and that God was helping us...I really was trying to be the BEST wife I could at the time of this A...something my "friend" even made fun of me for...I think it hurts that he betrayed me when I was trying my hardest to be the wife God wanted me to be for him....I am SOOOOO far from perfect and I don't even claim to be...but I was a good wife when he went off and screwed my friend.....okay....enough vent....d-day one year mark is tomorrow and I really am triggering and very sad!!!!!!
I cannot imagine!
Alice...'controlling' was the thing I got called, too. I was controlling because I didn't want him going out to bars with ex's and other female 'friends'. I was uncomfortable with it b/c I had caught him in so many lies about them.
Your 'friend' sucks. I swear, women cannot be trusted. What is it in us (or some of us) who finds a taken man so very attractive? Who encourages shitty behavior and entices? Why do women do this?? Men bite too easily so far as I am concerned, but women are oh so quick to put the temptation out there.
I know that's not about same gender...but I found out about that with my XWS, too. His claim is that he's sexually deviant and not bisexual. So far as I know he only had one experience with a man and it was right when we were getting back together but before he moved back in with me. It hurt so much when I found out...made me feel like I didn't know him at all.
Of course all of the cheating and the affair make me feel like I don't know him at all, either.
I guess I didn't.
Huge hugs, Alice!
When we don't have that male thingie between our soft hairless female thighs...well, nothing can be done really.
They are who they are...just as we are who we are.
And, to go off screwing a woman...well, they can pull that up to a point. And, its to further hide from their real orientation...pathetic & tortured & cruel souls.
PS Check out the Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands site on yahoo...you are not alone!
Its all there & more.
Also Bonnie Kaye has a wonderful site & has written numerous books.
[This message edited by deakerdoo at 8:02 PM, December 18th (Tuesday)]
I have been married for 28 years. I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair with another woman, a coworker of hers, for 5 years. WW says she won't see the OP any more She says she never realized she is bisexual (at least). Looking back i realized there were signs of a problem --changes in sexual interest and behavior- that coincide with the 5 year time frame. She says she wants to stay we me but------5 years is a lot of lying and sneaking around.
Do I expose them at their work?
Is it possible for us to reconcile? She says yes, but i have my doubts. Emotionally, I would like to reconcile via counceling, etc, but is that realistic?
5 years is a very long time, pookie.
What is your GUT telling you?
No answers or advice...only support and prayers to offer you in whatever you decide to do...
My gut feeling is that the situation is hopeless. I want to try, however, because after 28 years it's hard to simply give up.
WW has written the NC letter, sent via email, cc to me. It was an effort to get her to write the NC letter, she felt it wasn't needed on top of the personal communication she had with OP about the discovery. She felt is was punitive, and it is, to some extent, rubbing her nose in it. But she did it. She appears remorseful and sorry, genuinely so. I am not sure what component the kids play in this. The are older, but would be totally shocked to learn the truth, and she clearly is concerned about their relationship with her.
She went to a hotel for a few days, then came back home. We have discussed her moving to an apartment for a while, which may be a good idea.
We will start couples counceling soon. If the OP were a man, I would be more hopeful. But it is not clear whether we can fully satisfy each others needs. She is what she is, and she can't help that.
If 'moving to an apartment for awhile' was HER idea, I think you should post that in General Forum.
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
You might want to also PM Father of 4 here about this post...am certain he has been through similar & will be able to give you good advice from a husband's perspective.
I just sent WH an e-mail from a woman writing about her discovery of the bi/gay thing on her WH's computer & how it SHATTERED HER.
I wrote that after reading this, I could feel some *compassion* for him, could he feel some for ME, etc.
His response was dispassionate, no real owning of the bi/gay thing nor certainly any written admission...he agreed about feeling compassion for me, but that was just said in a tone of a re-written phrase & he went on to talk about HIM...HIS job, HIMMMMMM, etc.
Yes, its always been ALL about HIM.
Can you say/spell NPD?
Cold...as ICE. ugh!
If the OP were a man, I would be more hopeful. But it is not clear whether we can fully satisfy each others needs. She is what she is, and she can't help that.
This is indeed the "extra wrinkle" those of us in this situation find that is unique to our flavor of the infidelity experience! Hope the separation gives you (both) a chance to consider things from a better, more detached, perspective.
Hi all I am new here and am hurting real bad! I have 3 children and I am lost. I have been in denial or just blind to what my husband has been doing and I am so confused. He says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but he has cheated on me on several occassions which he has lied about and little truths come out ever now and then. He says he doesn't want to be with men and only wants me but you can't change a person's sexual orientation. I hurt so much and am so angry and I feel so trapped....
Though sorry you are here.
No, try as we want, orientation cannot be changed...it is, what it is.
Are you in IC?
My WH's first wife left him for another woman. I've asked how he felt about W #1 leaving him for a OW, and he would never talk about it.
I found gay porn on our computer and WH said he wondered what 'it' was like.
His LTA was with a OW...I think. I asked once if 'she' was a tranny and he just laughed at me.
My WH definitely loves heterosexual sex. Absolutely no problems with function, frequency or technique in that category. Though he did tell me after D-Day 2 that he and OW had only 'tried' to have sex- reportedly he was unable to function. (They didn't seem to be having any problems on D-Day 3...)
I just don't know what to think any more. My life has become such a shambles. I have appointment tomorrow to get checked for every STD under the sun. Both my WH and I have preached to our daughters: before they marry or take a man to their bed, get him 'vetted' first, because they will also be sleeping with every person that guy has slept with.
Now I'm having to get checked because of WH. Incomprehensible.
Sorry you have to be here...
What does your gut tell you?