Good wife, bad wife, either way, I seem to be the one getting shafted.
Once again, it seems like my job is to be supportive of him and his "mission," his feelings, etc. yet I am not allowed to require him to be supportive of me.
I'm really frustrated today.
I guess what galls me so badly is that I know he has seen my e-mails (I can tell when he has read them) yet he seldom (we're talking hardly, 1 in 10 type of thing) replies.
I'm not asking for a friggin sonnet here! Just a couple lines telling me how you're doing, feeling, etc.
Nope, nothing, nada. Unless, of course, he wants something. Then he's quickly e-mailing me about it.
I have to admit though, that when we do talk (either via IM or phone) it is very good. I always come away feeling loved and happy, missing him badly and wanting to make the remaining months as smooth as possible for him.
But this is a vent, so I'm focusing on what I need that isn't being met.
And this has happened for pretty much every deployment he's been on.
So should I back off my communication and wait for him to ask "What's up?" and risk him thinking I don't love him and send him into the arms of another (I believe he still has this mindset sometimes), or do I continue with my end of the communication (which is something we had agreed upon before he left) and end up feeling like, once again, I got played.
And yes, I will be speaking about this with him when he calls. But it's not a new conversation.
I'm looking forward to all of your perspectives. Thanks.
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
[This message edited by ragingalone at 8:43 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]
You absolutely have a right to upset/angry/paranoid/etc. My FWH's ways started online. Unlike you, I never addressed them and that subsequently led to his PA...(You can check out my profile for the whole extended version). FWH deployed (his A was going on when he left) and the facts only came out after he left.
For me, this deployment has been a God Sent. It gave him whatever it was he needed to get "it" (life/marriage/me/etc). You can only do so much being seperated by an ocean, and the only way you can gain trust is by putting it out there and pray you dont lose it. Unfortunetly, it is a gamble but something worth the chance. You have to remember you are a strong person. You and your husband can repair your marriage. It will take plenty of patience and time but as long as you both have the same goals, all should pan out. Good Luck.
[This message edited by ragingalone at 9:26 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]
Junior: Rank LG, I am having a family problem.
My H: What is the problem?
Junior: I believe my W is cheating on me while I'm deployed.
My H: You should have thought about what kind of person she was before you M her.
Can you say 'lightbulb' moment for my H and his junior.
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)
I guess for me I measure it in how long it goes without my thinking about the a. Or how I feel when the a comes up. I still think the OW is a trashy whore, but I no longer feel that white hot burning rage in my chest when she comes to mind. I don't feel the need to snoop and overall, I'm really starting to trust my fwh again. I measure it in how far I have come since Dday.
And my DH had a moment like that. He and the e6 ((also a WH)) had to counsel their joe because his wife was waiting in another state and he showed up to work with hickeys all over his neck.
His biggest AHA moment though was helping his mother pick up the peices of her life after his stepfather left for a walmart whore and his mother was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. It was then that he began to see my pain from my side.
Anyways, last weekend I got a call from WH squadron saying they were bringing him back to our home station and he was now under investigation for adultry, I made it plainly clear that he was not welcome back into the marital home so they put him in the dorms with all the airman...he is begging to come home, not to R but so that he has home comforts, I don't feel as though this marriage is worth saving
I saw WH for the first time yesterday and I have to admit I was really surprised at myself because I felt absolutely NOTHING for him, I expected to fall apart as I do still love him but I think I have resigned myself to the fact that he wants out of our M one way or another, I still feel very angry and feel the need to rub it in his face that he has screwed up his life, he has gone from being respected by family, frieds and peers to being a laughing stock for being caught....
What now? I ask myslef, I know that I am eventually going to have to let him move back into the marital home and I am not worried about falling in love with him again, I am worried about antagonizing (spelling?) him because thats what I feel I want to do -- He's favorite saying when this all started out was
"If you don't like the bed you have - Buy a new one"
Well I just want to ask WH "how's that new bed??
[This message edited by Piper317 at 7:34 PM, November 16th (Friday)]
That's all. I barely post anymore and this is my second rant in a week LOL I think it's time I just "lurk" for awhile- LOL
[This message edited by phillygal at 8:08 AM, November 17th (Saturday)]
Anyone else have advice/thoughts/feelings on how they felt about becoming intimate with their spouse again?
You're probably going to get a different answer from everyone reguarding this, because everyone probably has different feelings about it. For me personally, I think I became sort of disconnected from the situation at the moment. I usually still enjoyed myself and we had a good time together, however it was different in the fact that I didn't look at it as a "bonding moment" for us or a way of us "expressing out love" for one another, I looked at it purely as human needs being met. On the rare times that I would try to see it as more than that I would instatnly become unfocused and infuriated. (ex: that hand that's touching me now touched her just like this too, etc etc) So I found it best at first (and still sometimes) to not look at it as two people in love showing their love but moreso basically two people having a good time.
A psychologist probably wouldn't consider what I did to be the most textbook healthy thing to do, but it was the only thing that would work for me in order to satisfy both of our needs.