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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I woke up thinking about what I would have for breakfast while subconsciously worrying about my husband's well-being (didn't want to acknowledge the fact that "soemthing" could happen out loud, you know?). He woke up thinking, "Is today the day that I go home in a box?" All the while, we'd stopped sharing our struggles, fears, and successes with each other

Yes! This is exactly how I feel. Our worlds are so separate right now.

I do feel that I may be using WS's deployment, maybe not as an excuse but certainly as an explanation. I think we all know that desperate need to rationalize the A, because the emotional rollercoaster is hard to make sense of. When I think "How could he do this to me?", I admit that I think of the stress of his deployment.

I asked WS why it started, why he crossed that line, and his answer was "I had a huge premonition I wasn't coming back, so I thought it wouldn't matter."

Now, this puts me in a strange position. That be complete bull----, and he could be saying that to us the deployment as an excuse. But if he was feeling that way, how horrible!

I am also astonished at how adept he had gotten at leading a double life.

And I agree, I think it's common that in trying to protect each other, couples create a rift. He can't tell me/doesn't want to worry me about what is going there, and I feel guilty telling him if I am feeling very sad about him being gone AND I feel guilty telling him if I had fun.

So using deployments as an excuse? Sure, maybe. But I do think they had layers of complications to the situation of the A.

[This message edited by Betrayedbookworm at 9:23 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if he was feeling that way, how horrible!

Exactly! When I hear those things from my husband - when I hear what he was feeling - when I hear about the doubts and fears that he felt at the time, I feel a tug at my heart. And then I feel sympathy. And then I think, "What the hell? Why am I feeling sympathy for the person who deliberately and consciously caused me the most pain I've ever known???"

Since the A stuff came to light, my husband has admitted to entertaining the idea of "something" happening to him. When he says those things, I normally go off on him. I wonder why he thinks he should get to break the promises that he made to me and then he gets to simply disappear? Not have to face me, face his son, and face the effects of the choices that he made? He wanted to take the cowardly way out.

It makes me sad to know that he felt the way that he did, but he still made the choice. He chose to end up in the arms of someone else. He chose to LIE to me repeatedly. At every decision point - every opportunity to stop the train and face the music (and any other applicable cliche), he chose NOT to - and caused more damage to us, to our relationship, and to me.

[This message edited by FindingHope at 7:17 AM, September 24th (Monday)]


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of things stand out as I read these posts:

I have issues to trust and I know I will drive myself crazy thinking if he has found someone better while he is there.
Someone more like him.Military.

Uh..yup. Pretty much the very thing that happened to me. I wasn’t thinking about it at the time. Only in retrospect can I see that was one of the issues (among many). We were married almost 9 years when she deployed. She was a reservist during the marriage (and had up to the point of deployment about 17 years total in the army)….and I always felt less than “acceptable”…less worthy of respect as compared to her army comrades. I never quite measured up to the men she worked with in the military. She was forever going on about how much she respected this major..that colonel (and always men).

Is anyone in a situation in which OW or OM is in close proximity (or works with) WS? The OW in my case is only about a 30 minute drive from where we live.

Yes. He’s 25 miles away. The place she was deployed to had a few thousand people on the base. Who’d a thunk that out of all those people…that’s she’d have latched on to someone living so close?!?!

We’re divorced now (and so might he be for all I know)…so I don’t give a damn anymore.

But one thing remains true regardless, and I want everyone to remember this one. Deployments do not make people cheat. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to do it at home, in a car, in a tent, on a camel, wherever they want to. Deployments just make it more convenient.

Abso-f-ing-lutely!!! Sorry..but it was no walk in the park for me…working full time..caring for a 3 year old, 4 year old and 7 year old. No family within 300 miles, only one friend to rely on for emergency baby sitting, maintaining the house, dealing with her residual work crap from her civilian job…all the things a single parent does (I can see her now...playing the air-violin in sympathy). In addition to worrying about the safety of my wife (who knew she was actually having FUN??). Not that I would have had any time…but I didn’t stray.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8487 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also astonished at how adept he had gotten at leading a double life.

I am with you on this. I felt like an idiot for the longest time that this was going on while I thought he was out with friends, sleeping, cleaning, etc. Its so very true. But if you really think about it, they kinda lived 3 lives (while they were cheating).. They are Soldiers (totally different people with completely different mindsets at work) and then Husbands/Civi's and then the Cheater. It amazes me how my FWH was able to balance it out so well that he had me fooled for months.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I felt like an idiot for the longest time that this was going on while I thought he was out with friends, sleeping, cleaning, etc

Ohhh I can relate to this so well! I'd call and get no answer, he wouldn't call me at the usual times, and I'd think "well he's busy, he's getting ready to deploy."
Well sure, that was true. But it also provided a great alibi for all the nights he spent with her.

And meanwhile I was coaching myself not to feel neglected, or needy, or resentful by his lack of attention, because he had important things to deal with and a lot on his mind.

Maybe I'm just not much of an actress, but the thought of trying to keep up the double/triple life thing just EXHAUSTS ME. And what must the OP think of this?


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhh I can relate to this so well! I'd call and get no answer, he wouldn't call me at the usual times, and I'd think "well he's busy, he's getting ready to deploy."
Well sure, that was true. But it also provided a great alibi for all the nights he spent with her.

And meanwhile I was coaching myself not to feel neglected, or needy, or resentful by his lack of attention, because he had important things to deal with and a lot on his mind.

Maybe I'm just not much of an actress, but the thought of trying to keep up the double/triple life thing just EXHAUSTS ME. And what must the OP think of this?

Me 2!! I was like.. Oh stop being so hard on him. Youre here and hes there and hes prepping for this deployment on his own with a wife and sick child across the country.. NOT!! Ugh.. It still irritates me that I FELT BAD for sometimes questioning him (like when he cleaned 3 days in a row) meanwhile HE WAS LYING!! And this 2/3 Life thing.. My husband was always the WORST multitasker.. Absolutely horrible at doing more than 1 thing at once.. I guess that was an act or I was fooled or maybe he got better but for him to have this go on for months and me be totally oblivious (let alone feeling guilty).. That burns me bigtime!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
starrysky
♀ Member
Member # 14669
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not currently dealing with an A related to a deployment, however I was in the Army for 4 1/2 years and I've been an Army Wife for 10 years. I have also been a Family Support Group leader for 9 years and have been trained in all levels of the FRG/FSG.

If anyone needs someone to talk to or help finding resources/assistance on your post, please feel free to post here or PM me and I can help you out. I've seen it all being an FRG leader and being a military wife for so long and I'd love to be able to help if anyone needs it.

(((HUGS))) to you all


"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it"

Me(37)-FWW/BS
Him(36)-BH/WH The love of my life
2 Daughters: 15,11
Married 14 years Together 17 years
11 Month EA & PA
Beautifully Reconciled


Posts: 585 | Registered: May 2007
IsThisNormal
♀ New Member
Member # 16110
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you can count me in.. and Right now i found out he will be deploying again in feb.. that is only not even a year out from d-day i am so scared..not only that we are leaving for germany in less than a week for three years... HOW AM I GONNA GET THROUGH THIS ONE


There is a reason for everything..
What is the reason for this???

Posts: 22 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
sadbunny
♀ Member
Member # 9624
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think deployment creates an emotional turmoil within some of our spouses. My WH was a different person when he first got back. I tried everything but that OW was relentless and apparently he needed the Kudos of a stranger more than he needed mine. I did everything for him. Had a party in his honor. Decorated over a half mile stretch to our home all the while recovering from surgery. I went on talks with him that he gave when he got back, setting up the equipment and just generally being his cheerleader.
I think because in our case, my WH was deployed with a unit that was not his own, he was left out of the "group" while he was there. All the people he was with were from the same town, group up together etc. They didn't accept him as part of their unit. He accomplised more than the whole unit and was loaned out to other units to support them medically.
He was skipped over for awards that others who were less deserving got. I have stacks of letters that were sent to his commander from fellow officers putting him in for various awards. The commander who happens to be related to a family member denied all the requests. He has been in as long as my WH and has always been jealous of him. I think this was his way of insuring my WH didn't have something he had.
Anyway, long story, but I think it left him feeling bad about himself. OW was there at the wrong time.


Who I am is not what I was now that time has chosen to change me.(Line from a poem I wrote)

Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2006
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ISN, I PM'd you. Germany can be intimidating enough when your spouse is there, let alone when they are not. Let me know how I can help you out, okay?


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, September 25th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree it brought up crazy emotions for FWH, but it did for me to and I remained faithful. I think the opportunity is there more for a soldier since they are away from their wives and have single friends who work with them. There is definetly (IMO) some quality that they all have to make cheating more predominat before or after a deployment. What it is tho, I have no idea.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have an opinion on this?

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that WS is deployed with his OW (he wants to R, I don't think the A has ended, and how do we R while he is a gazillion miles away until summer 2008? That's just a rhetorical question, don't worry about answering that one! )

Anyway -- what do I do about care packages? Keep sending them? Seems a little weird given his actions, but...?

Hopefully you all don't think I am looney for wondering this.

[This message edited by Betrayedbookworm at 9:24 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd send them. And I'd probably tuck in books like "Not just friends" while I was at it. Granted I wouldn't be putting anything over the top or that even required alot of effort. Like cookies. Screw it. He can diet. lol.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have sent FWH a few packages with books like Dr. Phils Life Strategies, Dr. Phils Relationship Rescue.. A book on Affairs (Cant remember the name).. Chicken Soup for the Couples Soul, etc... I just got a letter he sent me about one of the books... :)


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soldiersgirl and LMigs628, thanks for your suggestions!

WH will be getting a package with canned soups, snacks, and a copy of After the Affair (which I just read). Before D-Day I would bake cookies and make cute tiny photo albums with tiny pictures of us (so he could carry them with him on missions), and make sweet themed care packages.

Screw that! I will now simply make sure he is nourished and provide him with reading material.

WH is not much of a reader, so we'll see how this goes!
I wish there were a DVD version of some of these books...


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Betrayedbookworm at 2:14 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
betrayedarmyw
♀ Member
Member # 15637
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H came back from deployment a changed man. He was gone for a year and a half. There were some classic signs that I did not recognize. Loss of interest in things around the house, risk-taking (like amusement park rides he was never interested in before), lots of drinking (He had gone to Iraq sober). I gave him alot of room and sympathy- he needs time to adjust, he needs to re-acquaint himself with life here. In reality I gave him all the room to cheat he needed. He is still gone from me. He has left me for the OW.

While he was gone I had OPPORTUNITIES. I would never have cheated on him. Just not who I am. I would be lying though if I did not say that I think deployment had something to do with why we are where we are right now.

[This message edited by betrayedarmyw at 2:38 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Near Seattle
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just offering support - my ex's PA happened while deployed to Iraq, with me caring for our two children at home.

He returned and didn't want to give up his "true love" , did a bit of history rewriting, and we divorced.

I am happily divorced. :)


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 740 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
rageinside
♀ Member
Member # 15834
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my Wh is in the military as well, but A didn't happen on Deployment.

Have asked about his doing this while he was overseas years ago, but said that nothing ever happened then.

So I can relate to this as well.


Posts: 485 | Registered: Aug 2007
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, September 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In addition to worrying about the safety of my wife (who knew she was actually having FUN??).

Oh my gawd, thank you for finally putting into words what I was thinking!!!

I was over here taking care of his children while he was boinking a whore.

Times when I would call his cell phone and not be able to reach him, thinking it was because he was on a mission or on a communication freeze because of an injury (he was hurt twice, and his unit lost people too) - nope, he was screwing her. In the ass, if the emails they sent back and forth afterwards are any indication.

GAWD I think that's the part that was hardest for me. I was back here, struggling, praying I wouldn't get another "I'm hurt, but still alive" phone call in the middle of the night, crying myself to sleep, and he's taking naked pictures and butt-fucking his whore.

*damn* I feel better knowing how to say that now.

ANYway, something else: I do NOT think the deployment was the cause of his affair. I think it was merely a convenient excuse he used on himself to finally take that leap.

He has several EAs (who knows, they might have been PAs too) before getting deployed, actually one EA/possible PA in MP school mere months before deployment!

Different whore during deployment though. Wouldn't want to get too bored with things.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 740 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
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