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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ooohhhh LMigs...that's a tough one!

I haven't had that scenario because we don't have human kids and, honestly, my plate isn't that full. And, when he has called at an inopportune time (as I was walking into an IC appt.) he has been very okay with calling me back. He may not be able to call right away, but eventually he calls back.

It sounds (and please correct me if I am wrong, I'm not trying to offend) as if he is making it all about him.

One thing I've noticed from my personal experience with previous deployments is that FWH acts like I am in stasis, unchanging, while he is away. It's like he put me in a bubble until he returns. I've finally gotten it through his head that my life goes on while he is away and that my times is just as valuable and meaningful as his.

Have you been able to talk with your FWH about stuff like this? It took me awhile, but my FWH seems to be getting it and not taking it for granted that I will be able to answer the phone when he calls, or stay on long if I am able to pick up.

I hope your next conversation goes better.

~DNO


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH and I have had this issue lately too in regards to not being home when he gets online. Of course I do have a cell phone which he hasn't called once this whole deployment...lol. I can see both sides of this issue though honestly.

Not always of course, but when possible perhaps it is best to just talk to him for at least 10 minutes when you can. For instance with th emall thing, have your aunt take AJ for a walk while you sit down and talk to him. But do make it clear to him that while you love him, and while you love talking to him, that unfortunately the real world still gets in the way. And when possible, let him know your schedule. That's helped us alo trecently. If I have a busy day planned, I shoot him an email that says hey, I love you. Just wanted to let you know I'll be out an dabout today, we've got this, and this, and that, and then this again.

Hopefully that will help hon. Our lives of course can't stay stagnant when they are gone, but as macabre as this may sound, always take that five to ten minutes to talk to them, even if it means getting yourself a headset to do so. This is an uncertain world and and you never want to take the chance that something could happen and you left things in a bad place.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do what Soldiersgirl does too...if I am going to be running errands, have appts., etc. I send FWH an e-mail letting him know what my schedule looks like.

And yes, it does help alot.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you guys tell me if you think I acted out of line on this?

My WH will be home for his r&r shortly (first time we'll see each other since I found out about the A). I emailed him, asking him to please keep me up to date on his travels so I'll know as he's making his way back here, rather than getting a surprise call saying "Hi, I'm at the airport, can you pick me up?"

I explained that given the circumstances of our situation, I need to emotionally and mentally prepare for seeing each other face to face and I just wanted to be upfront with him in case he was planning on surprising me.
And I also need to get myself ahead at work so I don't need to stay late while he's here.

(The other part of this is that I have been a bit of a lump lately and need to do some housework before he gets here! )

Anyway, this is the response I got these two responses from him:

"hey yeah ahhhhh, if you want me to arrange other transportation, or living arangements, let me know.
it's not like you found out yesterday i was going to be coming home right?
fuck this, awesome"

and

"hows about september, would that time frame work out better for you?"

was I totally out of line in telling him I don't want a surprise??


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayedbookworm - No! You were not out of line in asking for, what I consider, simple courtesy and consideration.

He may be scared, he may be trying to blameshift in some way, I just don't know, but you have every right to know his travel arrangements.

I'm just hoping he was having a bad day but, sheesh...

~DNO


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its nerves. Before FWH came home for R&R in Dec, I can not tell you the things we were fighting about. He finally fessed up that he was nervous. It was the first time for us to see each other too after all was aired. Plain and Simple: They are dumb lol... Instead of talking about their feelings, they hold them in and it leaks into other areas that have NOTHING to do with whats bothering them.. So hes spazzing out about bogus R&R nonsense, but whats really the problem?? If anyone remembers, the first 3-4 days he was back took ALOT of getting used to... You guys will be fine though. Just pick and choose your fights.. if he wants to be dumb than let him. Not worth getting aggravated over, especially when you know it will be something insignificant.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Not_4Ever?
♀ Member
Member # 14837
Exclaimation  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH did that to me in 06 when he came home for R&R.
I came home from work and checked my e-mails.
And there it was!!!!!!!!!!!
"I'll be home tomorrow"


The secret to happieness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory!


Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren' tout o fline. Just let him know that it's not because you dont' want to see him, it's because you would like to make sure that you have his favorite food on hand, that the house is ready and schedules cleared so you can spend time together, and because you would like for him to come home and find his beautiful wife, not a hairy legged gorilla....lol.

I know these guys sometimes get this fantasy of surprising us and everything is perfect, but rarely realize that perfection takes preperation and surprising a wife robs her of all the preperation she's been planning for months. They really don't realize that we plan everything down to the smallest detail, from cordinating our underwear to our nail polish to making sure that we've lost or at least sucked in that last five pounds.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!!! You guys know exactly what I'm talking about! That feels good

If only WH were as understanding as you ladies!

Now that I've had a day to stew over this, and read your responses which help me see that I was not being obnoxious in asking to be updated on travel plans, I feel much better. I'm assuming this will be one of those things where WH eventually admits he overreacted.

And, now I know, he is headed on the first leg of his journey tonight ... time to buy some groceries and do all the things he won't realize I've done! (Soldiersgirl, you are so right that they don't understand that perfection takes preparation!)


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy your R&R girl. :D

((don't forget to shave your legs!!))


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((don't forget to shave your legs!!))

No joke lol.. This took a lot for me to get used to because I felt no need to do it before he came home. Heck, I dont even do it now!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, February 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to post a little update. Tonight was the "Unofficial" Halfway Dinner & Party for FWH's command. Since his command is all male, we were a room full of wives, girlfriends and fiance's. I only know a few of the women, but it was actually a nice party. They had a slideshow of pics from the Middle East where are guys are. We were all trying to pick out who our SO's were underneath all that kevlar, helmets and sunglasses. I spotted my FWH and almost cried.

They also asked each of us for a song that means a lot to the respective couples. They made up a playlist and that was playing throughout the dinner. Then they gave each of us a copy of the CD to take home.

That was really nice of them. Gosh, I miss him so much. It feels like he has been gone forever. No R&R for us, we have to stick this one out for another few months. I keep trying to remind myself that we're over the hump, the mid-point, but it's hard.

I want the weather to warm up so I won't spend so much time at home. I dwell too much as it is and being cooped up because of the cold really sucks (though I know there are those out there who in a much colder climate than I do).

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

~DNO

[This message edited by DownNotOut at 12:26 AM, February 17th (Sunday)]


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, February 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DNO, sucks when they don't have R&R huh? We didn't get one either. Thank goodness we're just about done. I think it's great that they did that for you guys. *hugs*


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I told myself that I wouldn't bring it up since he got back to Iraq from R&R, I brought it up last night in passing to something else we were talking about. It was a trigger moment and I told him so.
I HATE that I talk about it while he is 'over there'. He was fine with me bringing it up, understands that I will have my moments of insecurity, and talked me through this one. However, I was not okay. I just want to move past bringing up that he crushed me but it is SO hard. How do you do it? Do you mention things that give you triggers or just let them go? My fear is that by bringing it up, it will never fade away. Does that make sense? I know it will never FULLY go away but I just want it to not be a topic we talk about regularly.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eventually it won't be something that comes up regularly. And it is important for him to know what triggers you so that he doesn't think that you are just clamming up or getting upset over nothing. For instance my FWH knows that september will always suck for me now, and that I can't even stand to take our animals to the vet ((she was a vet tech)). When things come up, we share them openly and it has helped alot in our recovery. We keep nothing secret from one another now, not our feelings, not our likes and dislikes, nothing.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your response. It feels good to know that I am not alone even though I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're in both clubs nobody wants to be in...lol. How did we get so lucky??


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Amigs528
♂ New Member
Member # 18306
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont know if iam in the right are but i saw military and thought maybe i could get some advice. Me and my wife are going through our first deployment and i had the affair right before i deployed. Things are going very well but she still has her concerns and worries which is very understandable. What i would like some advice on is if there is anything i can do to help her get throught this and make her worry less especially while iam deployed and she has so much going on at home. Thanks for the help


Me- (FWS) 22
Her- (FBS) 23 (LMigs528)
Son- 21mths / Married- 2.5 Years
Together- 5.5 Years
D-Day #1- 12/24/2006
D-Day #2- 03/22/2007 (Still OW1)
Thankful for my second chance :)
In R! :)

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2008
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Amigs528 and welcome. You are definitely in the right place!

So what can you do? Well, for starters you are here. THAT speaks volumes. By sharing your story willingly and openly, you are taking great strides in the right direction for your wife to heal.

So what can you do for her while deployed? It really is simple: just be there for her emotionally. If she is having a rough day or moment (A related or not but particualrly so) then JUST BE PATIENT!!! I cannot stress that enough. I am a BW whose H has been gone for a year in training where his A took place. Some days are rough and he needs to learn a little more patience. Recognizing that is huge. We know it is hard for you guys to be off defending this country. It is stressful and we totally support that. And I for one (like many) try not to let on that I am having a rough day bc I don't want to stress him out further. That is hard. But eventually it comes out.

So talk kindly, be as gentle and understanding as you can. And it is often the little things that mean the most. Like sending flowers (cheesy but true) or a card or just a one line email that says how much you love her and appreciate her. For me, once in a while my H says something along the lines of " I am sorry I did this to us. I will do all I can to prove that." That means a ton bc it is recognizing my pain and his too. It helps. Anything you can think of, no matter how silly it might seem, helps.

Keep posting and keep working hard on R. It is a long road but not an impassable one.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Amigs528
♂ New Member
Member # 18306
Frustrated  Posted: 4:16 PM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am a fws and iam trying to get some help. Me and my wife have been in r for 8 months. I am in iraq and the A happend before i deployed. I do what i can to make her happy and to show her i love her. I stay up all night until 5 am just to talk to her even though i go on mission at 8am (not looking for sympathy just trying to explain i do what i can for her) i do it because i love her and want to show her shes the most important thing to me i send her emails and flowers and support her in anything she does but it just dosent seem like its enough for her she still seems unhappy. Maybe its just me and iam to paranoid to not please her or maybe iam expecting to much. Or maybe there are things i can do that i havent thought of so if any one has gone through this please give me some advice thank you for your time


Me- (FWS) 22
Her- (FBS) 23 (LMigs528)
Son- 21mths / Married- 2.5 Years
Together- 5.5 Years
D-Day #1- 12/24/2006
D-Day #2- 03/22/2007 (Still OW1)
Thankful for my second chance :)
In R! :)

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2008
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