[This message edited by ragingalone at 10:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]
And just a side comment- LMigs, you put an F in front of my husband's name. I have been unable to do that out of fear but yesterday, I realized that my husband is doing EVERYTHING that I am requesting (and a little more) to save our marriage. So I am going to put a little bit of faith into him and our marriage and start saying FWH.
I said it before, and I am going to say it again. If I could, I would SO hug you.
So there's a bit of a background. Feel free to read the whole gory details in my profile (which I should probably update).
Fast forward to now. Our relationship is going GREAT! We've been working through our issues and healing from the A.
He graduated school, and was just recently shipped off to ODS school (which is a training school for Officers). This is our first time apart since being M (like this anyway). Besides the anxiety I have about him being gone and the realization that his career of choice is mostly made up of 90% women, I am struggling with emotions that come up while he is gone. Such as questions that pop up about the A (they are very few and far between TG!) or little insecurities due to the A. Things that we have always been able to talk about whenever I needed too and work through until we both feel we have overcome that certain issue or validated a feeling either one of us were having (believe it or not, he has triggers as well about what occurred). Here's where I run into my deliema. We are able to talk to each other every night (yay for cell phones). During the week, it's mostly him just checking in with me, asking how things are and talking to the kids and me for a long as he can. Most of the time it's short conversations. During the weekend, we've been able to chitchat anytime during the day and we actually text the hell out of each other. We're at about the halfway mark of his training and all of a sudden I'm starting to feel anxious and just starting to have stupid questions about the A or maybe just acknowledge something that happened or just want to talk about it a little bit. But I feel extremely quilty for bringing it up. I realize he has a lot that he deals with during the day as far as the training, classes and PT and responsibilities they bestow upon him. I just can't bring myself to bring up the topic of the A in anyway shape or form. I know he does not need that extra stress from me right now and yet, I will sometimes become angry feeling I should be justified in talking about it whenever I feel like it since he is the one that brought this horrible situations to our lives. Please keep in mind he has owned his shit and has always been remorseful and dedicated to healing us and our M. So I feel I just should cut him a break during his time there so he can focus on his job and get the things done he needs to do so he can come home.
The problem is, I don't have anyone else I can talk to about these triggers or questions I have. Certainly not my parents and siblings, who are supportive, but have given me the impression that I should be getting past this by now. (which to my credit I have to say I'm doing pretty damn good except for the occasional moments when the thought or memory of anything that has to do with the A pops into my mind and breaks off a piece of my heart all over again.)
So what do I do? Should I feel justified in wanting to talk to him about this when the opportunity arises? Or should I wait it out?
I have thought about writing all these thoughts and triggers/concerns down in my journal to go over with him when he returns but at the same time, I don't know if they would show the importance of these emotions when read weeks later and most likely when we are both on the high of him being home again.
What to do? What do you do when your SO's are deployed/out to sea/ or away in training when you have limited contact?
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any thoughts or advice you can give me.
Me: BS, 34
D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007
D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007
D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.
As far as communication goes, we have been GREAT at that while he's here. And I know it's hard for him to have discussions with me since most of the time his bunk mate is in the same room with him so it makes it awkward (thus the texting). I just don't know what to do about it. I don't want it to fester but damn it, he doesn't need me bringing this up when it's hard for him to discuss these things with me b/c of lack of privacy. Ugh.
On a side note - I had a sad realization over the Easter weekend. I realized that even with all the progress we've made and all the devoting ourselves to each other that the trust I had for him was completely destoyed. I question EVERYTHING. Before things wouldn't bother me but now, omg. For instants, he's the squad leader (I think that's it), plus he's prior enlisted with a lot more time under his belt than most of the other people there. So they constantly come to him for questions or advice. My husband THRIVES on being 'the man' and he loves the attention (which is partly to blame for his A). Anyway, they all have dorms, with two people to each dorm. During the day, the doors are open at all times. Well, I guess FWH let a female use his computer in his room for some sort of something. Then, when we were on the phone another female came in and asked his so and so was still there. I'm sorry but I started to FREAK out. I know this isn't college like dorms but still. How hard would it be to be able to do something that you shouldn't do with a member of the opposite sex? Not hard at all in my book. We had a fight about it and he tried to tell me that I don't know how it is there and that there is no way something like that could happen. He said all his shipmates come to him for advice and he was just helping them out.
I called bullshit and said I do not care if you're the big man on campus there, you will not let other women in your dorm or use your computer. Why doesn't he realize these things? I think he sees these as him just being the nice guy but all that has changed b/c of his A. And the fact that he let this other woman use his computer sent off a huge trigger for me. Him and his OW used to sneak into the college library and use his computer to look at porn while she would give him bj's.
It honestly just sucks. Ever since that incident, I feel as if I have been on a downward spiral of sorts. My trust in him is broken. How in god's name can I trust him to stay true to his word? I mean, he's gonna do what he's gonna do but at the same time, it is such a huge leap of faith for me to let that go and just accept the fact that if he's going to cheat again, I can't stop him. I have to have faith that he's recognized in himself the things that lead to the A in the first place.
I freak'n hate this. I really do.
...bottom line...your man needs to be "The Man" for you..
This is what it all boils down to. I think we can all fairly say that no matter what the circumstances have been about the As weve all dealt with, our FWS was NOT being the person for us. And in successful R, thats when they pull their heads from their behind and realize its what they have to and should be doing.
Welcome Sunkissed. I am glad you found us but not that you are here. I agree with what everyone has told you. You need constant reassurance that not only is he being faithful, that he is being honest. And while its hard to be transparent in the military, he has to be.
I Love You Too RA!! :) Maybe well have to meet up for lunch or something one day!
Things here are great!! FWH should be home soon (though a few days ago it could have been otherwise).
How is everyone??
Just under a couple months and counting! I'm getting so excited and nervous. What will make this different than last time? From a distance he sounds and he acts like he's changed, but there's always that nagging in the back of my head. It says, "He only seems to have changed because it is an all male command and he is deperately lonely with no one to stroke his ego. He hates it there, so you seem better to him than the alternative, right now."
It's always the "right now" that gets me. I don't want to be going through this again a year down the road. Conversely, I wonder if my suspicions and inability to let go of my stranglehold will be the death of our marriage.
Crap! I'm scared!
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
LMigs, and DownNotOut... I am HAPPY to hear of your homecomings!! I LOVE homecomings!!
[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 6:18 AM, April 7th (Monday)]
the truth is never too much to expect. Doesn't matter if it occured five eminutes ago or fifteen years ago.
[This message edited by ragingalone at 9:18 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]
I don't think that you are expecting too much from your husband. To work through it, he should face what he did and come clean with it (both to himself and to you) and help you in the healing process.
Regardless of how many times my husband and I have spoke about his EA, whenever I feel the need to bring it up and talk to him about it, my husband is patient with me and tries to be understanding with why I am asking him all of the same questions (it doesn't happen so much anymore but when it did, he was very transparent and never refused to talk about it once it was all out in the open).
Nicely said. I wanted to add, when he would "clam up" and lash out, it was because he was hiding something. So eventually I knew when he was lying. It worked in my favor ultimately but was really rough during the time. Just make sure you are persistant and lay out ground rules, without them they will try everywhich way to bend things. Good Luck!
I am just checking in with everyone.
I am going through a fairly good patch right now, and I am starting to be able to fully trust my husband again. It feels great but I get insecure about how it is going to be when he gets back from Iraq and is at his duty station while I am here (at home of record) finishing nursing school. We actually discuss it a lot. I guess we will just see how things go when we go to cross that bridge. I need to get through this deployment first. LOL
More than anything, I am trying to have a little bit more faith; not only in him and our marriage, but myself as well.
You are my sister I swear LOL.. I am in the same boat word for word!! Hang in there! We WILL make it thru this and better then we ever we before!!
We WILL make it thru this and better then we ever we before!!