We're going to Ft. Meade, MD.
He's going to some marriage group ting and IC now while still in Korea... and we're supposed to be starting MC when he gets back.
I have IC where I am now that I just started throgh the VA...
I just kinda wanna hit him though... he's so wrapped up in how horrible he feels for doing it to me that he can't see how much worse he's making it for me now by not being there for me.
Boys ARE stupid at times.
My husband had an affair in Iraq last year starting at the end of October. He had been there for 2 1/2 months away from us this time. He said that he met the OW at the gym. They exchanged info. and he slept with her that same night. The affair continued for a few more weeks before she had to leave to come back to the states. The phone calls and emails continued.... He was to come home in December, but never gave me an exact date. When he did come home. He surprised us, never even hugging me when he came through the door. I knew things were different, not right..... He was very distant, not wanting me....this wasn't him...we were very sexually active together. I asked him what was going on.......his eyes were sagging and he looked terrible. He didn't give me a straight answer ..... he told me he was confused, he wasn't sure that I was what he wanted anymore.....Wow! That took me off of my feet. I was here in our new home that we just purchase 4 months ago. Everything was going great for once, so I thought. I was taking care of 3 children (teen, pre-teen and 4 yr. old), bills, house, with no outside help. I am a stay at home mom. He told me that he met a friend and she was like one of the guys...I knew at that moment, he had an affair. He denied it then. I wanted to believe him, but I knew what was going on..... He finally broke down and told me, probably because he had been feeling sick physically, he was very sick. He told me everything (all the intimate details) anything I asked he told me. You get the idea, I asked everything! He called her, in private, at first and told her that I knew. Why couldn't he call her in front of me? That still bothers me, probably to be sleazy about it, making her still feel special. He says it was because he felt to ashamed to do it in front of me, PLEASE ugh!
I found out that he was her second affair with a married man within the time she was in Iraq. She was on her second marriage, going through a separation/divorce. She was a 28 years old. So that gives you an idea of what she is like. Troubled? Insecure? who knows.
Then the second bomb dropped 10 days after he came home, he told me that he met her in a city 2 hours from our home within our state! He spend 3 nights with her in a hotel. She is from another state and she flew there to be with him. So while my children and I were preparing for my husband to come home after not seeing him for 3 months and getting the house ready for Christmas. Being very excited. He was having an affair and missing out on precious time we should have been spending together.
When they were together in the city, she told him that she was sick of always being the other woman (literally crying to him) over dinner at a restaurant. She told him how she wanted to have children too. She even told him the names she had chosen for them.
After he told me, he called her again and told her that I knew everything and It was over completely (this time in front of me). He has no contact with her, he changed his Skype number and all the email accounts that she knew.
I called her nicely to try to get info. about the affair (Nice because people tend to give you more info. when your nice) she confirmed everything he said. I even asked her if he told her he loved her and she said no.....he wasn't like that with me. My H told me that she called one of his friends to talk to him (my H), to let him know that I called her. He said he didn't call her back.
So here is my question. How am I suppose to work on my marriage when I have only see my husband every 90 days for 30 days. He left in January, I saw him in April for 30 days. He is very remorseful. He is trying his best and making a very best effort. We talk everyday, but I told him that I am not sure that I want him. I don't know if I want this hanging over my marriage. When he was home in April, we went on a get away for the weekend, but honestly, being in a hotel made me sick, thinking that the last time he was in a hotel was with her. Having sex with him when he's home makes me think of the affair. Its been 6 months but when he comes home it seems so fresh.
How can your marriage heal when they are not present.
Married - 16 years
3 Children (15, 12,and 5)
“Where liberty is, there is my country” ~Ben Franklin
“This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.” ~Elmer Davis (American radio announcer & news commentator 1890 - 1958)
Hugs to all. Let freedom ring.
I recently discovered his affairs in June, and, as far as I can tell, his first betrayal was in June of 06 - 6 months after returning stateside.
However, I'm still in the early stages of awareness of his infidelities and I'm mostly getting trickle-truth: every passing day reveals some new discovery, another tidbit of information, and longer strands of what has now become a very large and elaborate web of lies and deceit.
He's been home from duty since May, but will be returning to AD at the end of this month (August). Currently, he's on a 2 week assignment back in Wisconsin which has given me a small taste of what I will have to look forward to when he leaves again for 2 more years if I remain in this marriage - I'm labeling it "controlled insanity!!"
Since he's been gone, my new snooping obsession (I have NEVER felt the urge to spy, check up on or suspect my husband of any misconduct before - my trust in him was 150%!) has led me to more information, revealing just how deep his lies go. Not just HIS lies, but the lies of the friends-in-the-know he's networked into his affairs as a safety net for my inquiries.
I just don't know if I can do 2 more years now - before June 20, it was just a drop in an ocean since we'd already been apart for so long and survived none the worse for wear. Now, those 2 years feel like an eternity because I discovered we'd been living a lie.
I feel like I lost the last 5 years of my life being a dutiful, responsible and loving wife only to be cruelly punished for my devotion to our marriage.
If I had known back then what I know now, I would have left our marriage right after he deployed in 2003 and saved myself all the trouble, stress,loneliness,despair and heartbreak.
I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can so relate. The snooping thing is normal. I still sometimes do it. Especially when he goes back to the Army. There's a great book that I suggest you read. It's called not just friends. It's helped me.
I sent you a private message. I think we might have a lot in common.
I am so sorry you have to be here BUT you came to the right place. SI, and this forum in particular, are great places for healing and support. I don't have any words of wisdom, just keep posting and know that we are all in this lousy boat together.
I have said it once, I'll say it a thousand times: it sucks to be the cheerleader and then get run over by the team.
FWH is really started to look at homes to buy. I am scared sh!tless!
Other than that, just living life, day by day and trying to be as happy as possible (which most days is pretty happy, I'll admit).
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
I am a WS. I was perfect during the first 12 mo. deployment, no problems. This time my H deployed for 15 mo.
My best friend pursued me. I ended it after a few drunken mistakes just kissing and an EA that was getting more serious for him. Told my H everything. then I broke no contact after four months or so. I am so sorry that I did. EA and PA. I want it over. The OM says he's in love. But I just love my H. I want him home.
I NEVER thought I would do this. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I can't even say the words I want to call myself.
Please help. Has anyone else done what I have done?