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User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DownNotOut- How do I get to the place where you are? I so desperately want to be there. Granted it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since D-Day but it feels like months with all this strain on my emotions. Our situations are similar in the fact that both of us have been WS. I am still very surprised and critical of myself when I did it but obviously that has taken a back seat. I can't even bear the thought of kissing him or having sex with him. I don't even want to wear my hair curly anymore since hers is. I don't want to worry if he is seeing her when he looks at me. I am so messed up. 2nd MC tomorrow.


D-prsed: Sweetie, go easy on yourself. I'm over a year out from the last d-day. It's still pretty new for you, isn't it? And I have plenty of days where I think about giving up and throwing this M to the winds. But those days are less (by a marked margin) than the days I love my H and am enjoying our relationship together.

Give yourself some time. I know about not wanting to look anything like the OW. I cut off all of my hair shortly after I the initial d-day. Not my best choice...

Hang in there.
~DNO


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Not_4Ever?
♀ Member
Member # 14837
Flame  Posted: 3:54 PM, November 27th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so done.
My WH retired from the military after serving in the army for 30 years.
Yes, he is a CSM.
I know about the A, but i had no idea she is one of his soldier.
He used to be her boss.
They worked together in the same battalion.
She is a SSG.
I confronted him and he said
he have to break it of slow.
He is afraid she makes trouble when he tells her it's over.
Whatever.
I have to get away from this
relationship. Im so feed up
with his sh$$t.
What do I have to ask my laywer regarding military divorce and retirement pay.
I know I can ask for 50% of that.
What else ?
I need to make a list.

One more question.
I want to contact her chain of command and tell them what is going on.
Is she in trouble for messing with a married guy?

I know they can do nothing to him since he is retired.
When he was active duty i could get him for fraternization.
Is she of the hook??



The secret to happieness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory!


Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
slynnn
♀ New Member
Member # 21710
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might complicate things that he is retired. If he weren't, they would both be in trouble for the affair and the fraternization. She might get into some trouble if you were able to prove that the affair was going on while he was active, but I'm not sure.

Is there a base lawyer that you can talk to? S/he would be able to tell you what your rights are regarding his retirement as well as what kind of trouble they may get into for the affair.


Me: 24
DH: 24
DS: 2

D-Day: November 17,2008; husband revealed ONS from June 2008


Posts: 11 | Registered: Nov 2008
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slynn:
Your story caught my eye because it was quite similar to my story. My husband (who is a civilian) spent 6 years overseas now. He made it 4 without cheating on me, then suddenly one day had a ONS (no sex but definitely beyond inappropriate) We too were HS sweethearts (well at least he was mine- he was out of HS when we met but I was still a JR in HS, so I think that still qualifies somewhat) We also got together Right before he left for BASIC/AIT etc. Anyway as I said- your story just caught my eye because of the massive similarities. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
my heart is gone
♀ New Member
Member # 21902
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My story is a little different than most. It's not new news, but after 2 years it still really hurts.
DH is in the military and we have been married going on 18 years. When I met DH he was very close to some of his family. I had no problem with that. ROll back: One day I wnet in his email to get something for him and something stuck out, So I read it. DH travels alot, so on the email I did not know who the person was so I read it. It gave room number etc.
He even place on it his secret email addy. So I started looking on the web and found so many profiles at least 6. The classic I'm single to I'm married and still looking for a hookup who can be quite. This was a total blow, but not the biggest one. I DISCOVERD he had a mistress for 16 years before I found out and it was his cousins wife. The affair started while he was in high school and her a much older woman to boot. He brought her into my marriage and she was a house guest at one time !!!! I NEVER KNEW !
He would make secret trips to see her,and had so many calls to her. I was too damn trusting because I never looked at the phone records and never questioned the trips since they were work related. When he was confronted he opened up and spilled the beans every damn one of them. Since he is military and now stationed in another part of the world for 2 years, I often wonder.
His affair really messed me up and he gave me no reason for any of it. Except he could not at the time let go.
So I wonder if he really had let it go, or pulling the wool over my eyes. My main focus is trying to get my last 2 through high school.
Being new to town I have no one to talk to. His own family backed stab him on this.I found that I have changed, I know look at everything and question everything. i'M so afraid after his 30 years are up that he will send me a letter saying that it's not going to work.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2008
Not_4Ever?
♀ Member
Member # 14837
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I always thought after 30 years and retirement we all set and done and relax and enjoy retirement.
I never thought that he would get involved with one of his own soldier.
He know it's wrong, and so is she.
She thinks she found her *sugar daddy* bacause he got a good retirement coming every month.
She is a single SSG with 2 kids.
She don't know he will be
living very frugul when i'm done with him.
He changed a lot in the last 5 years. Not to the best.
Sometimes I think the deployments did all this.


The secret to happieness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory!


Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, December 4th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My Heart Is Gone:

Welcome to SI and to the "Military/Deployment Affairs" section. So sorry you have to be here!


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
tricked08
♀ Member
Member # 21168
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((myheart)))

So sorry you find yourself here. Emails is how I found out. If I hadn't, I would probably still be in the dark.

Have you checked out the Healing Library yet?


Me(BS) 28
Him (WS) 26
3 children
D-Day 8/28/08

Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: South
my heart is gone
♀ New Member
Member # 21902
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tricked08
No I have not, but I'am going to do that right now.
finding emails does stink !

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2008
HeBrokeMe
♀ New Member
Member # 21986
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background:
We're both 22 years old. We started dating at age 14 and got married age 19. He never cheated on me when we were dating. He joined the military at age 18 (2004). I stayed in our home town to go to college. He PCSed to Maryland after tech school (2005) while I finished one last semester of college before I moved out with him(already married at this point). We're religious, don't drink, don't smoke, etc. anymore. He drank in high school and sometimes during tech school (2004/5) but stopped drinking once I moved in with him (2005)
What happened:
Friday night we went out to dinner. We're talking about our religion after having been slightly inactive for a few months. I asked him if he ever feels as if he's left out sometimes when the other guys are partying and stuff and he says yes. Me too.. but I think what we have is better. He has confessed to me that he drank on his last TDY (temporary duty yonder, kind of like a deployment but shorter, less than 30 days usually). I said, "Not to jump to conclusions, but I don't see how I am supposed to trust you about the big things when you can't even tell me when you're going to do something small and stupid like drink alcohol. Can I trust that if you ever did mess up big time, if you ever cheated on me, that you would tell me?" And that's when I saw it on his face.. he avoided the question and I asked, "Can you swear to me that you have never had sex with anyone but me?" (we lost virginity to each other age 16 so of course I assume... there is no one else). And he said.. "no..." and starts shaking. Ok so at this point I walked out of the restaurant.

He paid and came after me. We're currently stationed in Japan so its not like I really had anywhere to run to at that point. I asked him about where, when, how many times... let me tell you what I found out.

He has cheated 3 times. Never an affair, all one night stands. The first time was in Maryland (2005, maybe beginning of 2006, he doesn't remember exactly), with a coworker, after a drunken party night. He said as soon as he came to and realized he was about to "put it in her" he pushed her away and asked her to stop contacting him. Second time was on a deployment to Philippians(MAY 2007). He got drunk with some coworkers and they picked up some local girls and went and fooled around with them, then sent the girls packing (basically). He said at this point he doesn't remember if he felt guilty.. Third time was on a philippine navy ship(same deployment, aug 2007). He was sleeping while the filipino guys were up on deck partying, when a local girl who was partying on the boat woke him up in a "special way." He said one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. He says he never kissed either of the philippian girls, just sex. I don't know if that makes a difference, to me right now not so much.... He says it's been killing him to keep this secret from me but he didn't want me to leave. He swears it'll never happen again. We've already had two meetings with our church leader, counseling together and separate. Any time I ask him a question he's very cooperative and answers without frustration. I love him very much despite what he did, but especially in staying with a military career... trust is very important to our relationship and I'm not sure how to trust him again. I've had so many thoughts of doing something to hurt him... but I don't want to hurt him.. because I know that wouldn't help me. I'm just lost and confused and I don't understand why this happened... I thought we were perfect and now I know the truth. I feel like the last three years of our marriage were full of lies. I want to rebuild our marriage the right way but I feel like a crazy person, wondering what he's doing and who he's talking to, even when he's at work (he's now in an all-male shop). I have no trust left... none.. and I hate that feeling. I just neeed some advice, someone to talk to, someone who knows my pain. I can talk to my husband all I want but it's not the same hurt he's going through that I am...... I'm lost.


Me BS 22, Him WH 22
dday beginning of dec 08
And even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Japan/USA
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to totally ignore others who have posted before me but I need to get this off of my chest.
My soon-to-be-ex just told me tonight that he is/was with the OW this WHOLE time. I didn't care to ask how long 'this whole time' meant but FUCK. I hate him. This is exactly why I filed. And even now, now that we are getting a divorce, he continues to lie to me. I heard the skank in the background telling him to tell certain shit to me like how he isn't afraid to tell me about her and that he wanted to let me know because *I* am the cause of all their 'problems'. Please. You have bigger problems than me, honey.
Damn.
I just seriously hate cheating. I hate divorces. And I really hate how I am feeling right now. I feel stupid. Why did I hold onto a piece of shit for so long?!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to come back and respond to others when I am in a better space mentally.
Hang in there, fellow SI'ers.
We are all in this together, unfortunately.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today I learned a LOT when I spoke with a civlian attorney about my situation. WS retired after 20 years of service -- 10 years ago...

The lawyer confirmed much of what I've always thought, (I posted this bit in another thread) that the military is often simply an extended adolescence for many members and that when they get out it hits them REALLY hard, because they never had to grow up. After parents, they always had the military telling them when to get up and go to work, where to go, what to do there and how to do it. When they have time off, some of them just go "looney-tunes" and do things totally out of character. If they didn't learn self-control before they joined the military, they're not going to learn it FROM the military.

I guess that's where the spouse is supposed to pick up the slack? Nevermind that we're growing up at the same time and totally bewildered by our active duty spouse's bizarre behavior. If I had known about his lack of self control when we were younger, there would have been a better chance of our marriage being what I had always believed it was. Instead, I thought he was strong, wise, faithful, loving and pretty much "Superman."

I learned (for the first time) about the 20/20/20 miltary spouse --

Full benefits (medical, commissary, base exchange, theater, etc.) are extended to an unremarried former spouse when:
1. the parties had been married for at least 20 years;
2. the member performed at least 20 years of service creditable for retired pay; and
3. there was at least a 20 year overlap of the marriage and the military service.

Plus she said I might be awarded 50% of his retirement pay if we were to divorce.

Heck, I'm not gonna divorce him, because this way I have 100% of his pay!

So my view on this has to be - let your spouse know what you expect, what your expectations are based on (faith, trust, fidelity, etc.) and that it will hurt you VERY VERY deeply to be betrayed. Let them know you CARE and that you WILL be hurt if they give in to temptation.

I think we'd be appalled if we really knew how many spouses seriously thought, "She won't care" or "What he never finds out won't hurt him." It DOES hurt, whether you find out in 6 months or in 26 years.

If I had known "then" what I know now... then EVERY time my husband left for a TDY or training, I would have taken his hand, touched his wedding ring and reminded him, "This ring is not just around your finger. It is around my heart, even if you have to take it off while on duty. Please remember, you hold my heart?"

Instead... I just tried not to cry when he had to leave. Better I had cried, and let him know just how much I needed, wanted and loved him, instead of convincing him I was strong and would be just fine without him...

God bless you all!


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
HeBrokeMe
♀ New Member
Member # 21986
What?  Posted: 12:22 AM, December 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When to quit?

My husband is in the military (contributing factor to infidelity....). His enlistment is up in dec 2010, and we were planning on doing bootstrap program so he could become an officer. . . now I'm wondering if we should continue this lifestyle now that I know what it has done to our marriage.. sooo.. how do we decide if it is time to say "Good Bye" to this career option?


Me BS 22, Him WH 22
dday beginning of dec 08
And even now, while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day

Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Japan/USA
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, December 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The military lifestyle may contribute, but please don't think that if it weren't for the military, your spouse never would have strayed. It gives them opportunity yes, but not motive. And lord knows there are ((sadly)) thousands of civilian marriages that crumble from infidelity on this site alone. it's not a military problem alone.

that being said, do you think that you can handle more seperations? Can you trust your spouse through a deployment? Those are serious questions that you need to consider when making this decision.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, December 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The military lifestyle may contribute, but please don't think that if it weren't for the military, your spouse never would have strayed. It gives them opportunity yes, but not motive.

I spoke with my STBX about this and he said that the military just made it easier for him to 'get away with it' not that it was the reason he did it. I think he would have done it regardless of what his job was. Jerk.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 1:01 PM, December 12th (Friday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Adoringwife
♀ Member
Member # 22134
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad that I found you guys here! I thought I was going crazy and now I am convinced that the deployment did have a profound effect on my WH. He was in Afghanistan for 6 months this year and as a counsellor he was dealing with some real hard stuff. He dealt with 35 deaths and over a 100 injured soldiers and whilst working in the hospital he became very close with OW who is a nurse. He did not tell me about the A. when he got back. It was about 6 weeks in when he finally admitted there was something going on with him. He feels dead and detached and no longer wanted a family. He then admitted that there had been someone else but that he wanted to be on his own. So after a week of back and forth we decided he needed some space. After a further week of that we decided we want to R and have had a lovely xmas together. He doesn't want to talk about the A. the only thing that he said was that he led a parallel life and that he thought he would just pick up where he left off at home when he got back. Now the other woman is sending him emails saying that she loves everything about him and is ready to take my place. She will even give up custody for her only son to be with him. How lovely!!! We have just had a wonderful xmas week together and he says he will break it off with her when we get back. I live in hope and just want the man that I married back. It is so hard to think that he may leave me for her, so I am trying to be my happy self and not start any uncomfortabel conversations etc. Although yesterday we did have a little tiff and first the first time he did not run for the hills and everything was ok.
My point is that I really believe something happened to him out there and OW who was going through the same trauma was there - this is when A's happen. The trick is to realize what brought them together is not real life and move on! We will see I will keep you posted.



Posts: 537 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From:
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is exactly why NC is something that MUST be set forth before you can begin to R. It' snot possible to be "just friends" with someone after that so there should be absolutely NO reason to communicate with her.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
sparklemotion
♀ Member
Member # 13289
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is semi off-topic, but I thought someone may have some useful info or advice to offer.

Do any of you have an active duty spouse (or family, friends, etc.) who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any generalized, unspecified mood disorder that is being treated with a mood stabilizer that has been approved by the military?

If so, which mood stablilizers is this AD member taking that still allows he/she to be considered servicable (including deployable)? Lamictal is apparently not one of the approved.

Was there a big ordeal with the military med. board to have this usage approved? Any tips, loopholes, warnings or info you can offer regarding the process?

Thanks in advance.

Happy New Year to all.


A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For their latest drink
As they're transitioning

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in.

Almost 3 years since the first dday and 18 months since the last dday. Still breathing. Still working through stuff but it's looking good.

No reasons to suspect at present.

Just got back from our holiday vacation and it went well for the most part. Some frustration and bickering, but nothing A related.

I am content.

H is currently out in the field for a week doing work-ups for a new deployment in late Spring. Only 6 months this time, thank goodness.

And I've lost 45 pounds.

How's everyone else?


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
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