I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Personally, I hate facebook.
My H had his A while home with me too....2 years following back to back deployments to Afghanistan and Iraq.
FWH has major issues with intimacy due to his combat PTSD.
When I found out about his A 6 months ago, all I could think of was, I was right here, what was the point?
For my H it was the adrenaline rush connected with doing something he wasn't supposed to do. He became addicted to that feeling in Afghanistan and has been chasing it ever since.
I am hopeful he will get some help in IC.
Good luck and let me know if I can be of any help. Again, I am so sorry.
I have been where you are. My husband is now a retired (Major), but please read my profile. First of all, both of them are putting their careers into jepardy. It is against the UCMJ to do what they are doing.
Do you want to live this hell for another three months until he returns from deployment. You have rights and you need to tell him immediately that you know about this A with the Major. What are you trying to accomplish by not telling him? I would out her to her husband as well! Immediately!! You are saying you are going to put this behind you, he has already cheated before and what have the consequences been?. I am going to PM you!
[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 9:08 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]
You are a good wife and have done the right things and there may be something about your husband that you cannot fix and make better. Until he does the work on himself to see why he does this. It was hard for me to realize that I cannot fix mine either.
You are a strong woman and on the right path! PM me if you need to
My story is this: Married for about 4 1/2 years, physically together in the same place for a grand total of just about 12 months (and that's a couple months here, a couple months there). First deployment was 15 months, and he never cheated. He got home and had an A with someone I thought was my friend. I didn't find out about it until about a month after it ended (she told me, not him). Decided to try to work it out. Had 6 months of R (turned out to be fake R) before he deployed again. He is currently deployed (3 months left to go) and has just admitted to having another affair during this deployment. Not sure what to do now. He has problems, obviously... but do I stay with him and hope that he can 'fix' himself in therapy?
I have decided to D... wish me luck!
My experience when FWH was in the Army (for 10 years, up until 2005), was that cheating was very accepted among his colleagues at work. Even officers with long time loving wives at home, turned into different men on deployment.
My FWH told me once he had sex with a random girl just because she walked into his barracks room to ask where the bathroom was.
I think there are a couple of things at work in my H's situation (he cheated with a married friend 2 years after his last deployment ended while her H was in Iraq):
1. He really believes that he is a bad person because of what he did "over there" and is going to hell anyway, so why not?
2. His brain is a mess (PTSD) and creating chaos through having an A serves two purposes.....he escapes and numbs his painful reality, he pushes intimacy further away.
3. His buddies cover for one another....this makes it all convenient and easier to keep secret.
I am not generalizing to all military folks....I am only speaking to my H's observations and ones I have made from the wife's perspective.
I wish you well and am sorry you find yourself here. Feel free to PM me anytime.
I have been married for 10 years and I think I have probably lived with my husband for maybe 5 of them and that is pushing it. All of those were 6 months here, 3 months there.
I can see how that will start to eat away at even the best marriages with two people who love each other very much. With so much separation affairs are so easy. Eventually people just get used to be apart and they grow apart so affairs happen while they are home and deployed. I'm not saying affairs don't happen in civilian couples but I think if anyone looked into it it is much more prevalent in military couples.
I wish that the military so something more to help in this area. Sure they have FRG, chaplains, counseling available, but it isn't as readily available as they make you think. My husband has been deployed now for 9 months and I haven't heard from his FRG once. There is also the fear of how going to a commander or counselor will make your husband look. There were times when everything started with my husband that I wanted to call his command and tell them they needed to talk to him but I knew that would only make it worse because of how that would make him look, like he couldn't do his job. Military careers are tough things and you don't want to do anything to negatively affect it. There is a stigma attached to counseling.
I am not blaming everything on the military. These spouses make their own decisions. It's just that it has become a "normal" and "accepted" thing among military personnel and until they stop basically condoning it and do something to help it is going to get worse, especially with deployments continuing the way they are.
I'll leave it at that.....too much to say about it and it may sound judgemental so I will refrain.
Oh the military does not "condone these actions" they just make it easier for the soldiers to get away with them.
My husband has had a vasectomy which is good and bad. Good because the whore can't get pregnant. Bad because he has less cause to have used protection with her.
I hate to be so mean about the OW, I don't know her or her situation. I have read a lot of posts from OS's and they are truly sorry for what they did. But for now I am angry at her and thing of her as nothing but an nasty, home-wrecking whore.
I just can't believe the military would say there is not fraternization allowed but would make is so tempting, as if they don't need much more temptation.
Is it wrong that I am so angry at her but not as much with him? I know they are both at fault but for me to work on my marriage I have let go of my anger towards him. My anger towards her isn't going anywhere. I hate her.
My FWH had sex with MOW while her husband was 6 months into a 2 year deployment to Iraq.
I, on the other hand, stayed faithful throughout his many deployments including 7 months in Afghanistan and 15 months in Iraq.
Infidelity is so disappointing on so many levels but I feel like on top of the normal betrayal, etc., my husband betrayed a brother in arms and when she came onto him, he could have stopped it and helped her to stay faithful while her man was away like his wife did for him.
OK, I'm crying again so I had better knock it off.
Just know that you are not alone.
Are you going to out her to her H?
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)
Like I have said before I would love to just to cause her some of the pain she has caused me but I don't wish that on her husband. If she genuinely is going to work on her marriage maybe he is better off blissfully ignorant, sometimes I wish I was. I also don't want to put her kids through the pain of a divorce. Not that it would be my fault but again if they can keep the picture of their happy family then I won't change that for them. Not unless she forces me to.
If she genuinely is going to work on her marriage maybe he is better off blissfully ignorant, sometimes I wish I was.
Let sleeping dogs lie is a myth imo when it comes to aps.
He is not blissfully ignorant. He most likely knows something is wrong and it is probably driving him crazy.
In my sitch, H became a better H to me and a better father to the kids; however, something always felt off kilter. He would say stuff that I would just shrug off because it did not make sense to me. I eventually asked him if he had been with someone else during our marriage and he would lie. The guilt started to eat him alive and our family was his target to spew any venom that he did not direct at himself. I felt like I was going insane. If the xmow H had not called me who knows what would have happened. H never planned on telling me because he did not want to upset what he perceived to be our happy home. Within a year after dday xmow called our house on at least a couple of occasions looking for H and lying on me. She even contacted him after NC was asked for while he was deployed. Her job will allow her to find him wherever he goes just like your H's mow will be able to communicate with him unchecked. Fortunately, for our sitch I made everyone in their chain aware and they left it up to me as to how I wanted to proceed.
Last I knew xmow and her family are still a unit. My family is still a unit. The only players in this game that can change anything are the ones in it not the outside parties.
Sounds like your H and my H could be friends or even co-workers.