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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
brokenstill
♀ Member
Member # 27288
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh had a 2 month EA with someone he knew from childhood. They found each other on Facebook. I think the worst part of all this is i always thought if he would stray it would be while he was deployed not while i was sitting in the same room as him. We are due to transfer in 11 months, he's supposed to accept orders in the next 3 months. The problem with accepting orders is I don't know if I want to follow him or not. I have followed him for 14 years and what did it get me? I'm just not sure what to do.


Me-BW(34)
Him-WH(34)
2 ds, 1 dd
Married 15 yrs.
DDAY 8/30/09
Working at R, will we make it? I don't know yet.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: CA
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 19th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs to you brokenstill

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Personally, I hate facebook.

My H had his A while home with me too....2 years following back to back deployments to Afghanistan and Iraq.

FWH has major issues with intimacy due to his combat PTSD.

When I found out about his A 6 months ago, all I could think of was, I was right here, what was the point?
For my H it was the adrenaline rush connected with doing something he wasn't supposed to do. He became addicted to that feeling in Afghanistan and has been chasing it ever since.

I am hopeful he will get some help in IC.

Good luck and let me know if I can be of any help. Again, I am so sorry.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 26th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is deployed and in August of this year I sent him a message about something our pastor talked about in church. It was about forgiving and forgetting. We have been married for 10 years and he has cheated on my twice, both one night stands. He told me about them without me asking, I had no idea. I would have never found out. Fast forward back to August. After I sent that message he said it was something he had been thinking a lot about too and then he can't forget what he did. It triggered the 2 worst months of my life. He said he was questioning our marriage. He was hurt because I treated him like a paycheck not a husband, he felt alone. He told me he didn't want to be intimate when he came back on break because it would confuse things. When he came home on R&R we talked a lot of things out and were in a very good place. Things were great those two weeks. One the last day of his leave I saw him emailing a person he was supposed to have met in a city an hour away. He said it was a friend from over there who had gone home and was on vacation with their family. He never said who it was even when I asked, he just brushed past it. I caught a glimpse of her response to his previous email. She said "I just want you to be happy regardless of my selfish need to see you". That was my first clue. He said she had just been going through some of the same marital issues and they became friends. I left it at that and he left but I still had those doubts in the back of my head. Now a couple of weeks ago I bought him an iphone because he can use it over there to access instant messaging and email. I had to set up his email for him and in the process the phone downloaded some of his chats. There were chats between him and this woman. They said they loved each other but they weren't going to be the reasons they left their spouses. She talked about kissing him and how she loved his room. I know they had an EA and PA. Now the question is do I tell him I know now or wait until he comes home. He has three months left of his deployment, I don't know if I can handle this for three months. I don't want to talk about the affair right now I just want to make sure they aren't still in contact. I felt awful today so I went back on his email and saw that she emailed him today. The odd thing was that there was no subject and no message, just a blank email from her. I find myself making up scenarios like that is their code for him to contact her. I know bringing this up while he is gone isn't a good idea. Things get lost in translation over email and phone. These things are best discussed in person. But I need her to go away. I need her off his facebook, his email, she has to go away. I don't know what to do. If I tell him he will say that I will never forgive him and I am afraid he will want to end the marriage after we worked so hard to fix it. There are parts of me that know he never loved her but it is so strange. He said he didn't want to be intimate so it wouldn't confuse things but now I think it is because he didn't want to "cheat" on her. He sent me emails about how much he missed and loved me when he had to have been beginning his relationship with her because her chats start soon after that when she was done with her deployment. I honestly don't want to know anymore, I don't want to talk about what happened or why. I want to move on with our marriage but I can't do that with her lingering over my head. He is a Captain and she is a Major, they both should have known better. I don't want to talk about it now but I don't know if I have a choice.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, January 28th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Frustrated Again))

I have been where you are. My husband is now a retired (Major), but please read my profile. First of all, both of them are putting their careers into jepardy. It is against the UCMJ to do what they are doing.

Do you want to live this hell for another three months until he returns from deployment. You have rights and you need to tell him immediately that you know about this A with the Major. What are you trying to accomplish by not telling him? I would out her to her husband as well! Immediately!! You are saying you are going to put this behind you, he has already cheated before and what have the consequences been?. I am going to PM you!

[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 9:08 PM, January 28th (Thursday)]


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally told him that I knew. He didn't say much when I told him. Actually he was completely silent. So I said aren't you going to say something and he said he didn't know what to say.
I told him that I was willing to forgive him but the only way that could happen was if he broke off all contact with her, deleted her from his facebook. I told him to send her one last email to say that I knew and he wasn't going to answer any emails from her and to stop contacting him. He agreed to do that. He told me he has had not heard from her since when he was on break and he told her that we were working things out which I think I talked about in my post and the blank email she sent the other day.
If she continues to contact him then I will tell her husband. I am not telling him now, not for her, but for him. If they are truly trying to work on their marriage as well then I don't want him to have to feel like I do. If she would like to tell him that is her choice, unless she contacts my husband again, then it is my choice.
The last time it happened he told me about 3 years later. He didn't have to tell me, I would have never found out. They were one night stands and he didn't even remember their names.
It is hard, I know what a lot of people think, that I am stupid for staying. I love my husband, he is a good person who does awful stupid things. He will admit that he is very flawed. I am coming to terms with the fact that he is not the man I thought he was. I never imagined he would be able to become emotionally attached to another woman. I thought even with the one night stands I was the only woman he would ever share that with. I know now that he is weak and I need to make sure to keep a much better eye on him in the future.
I will do my best now to be the kind of wife that he won't want or need to go somewhere else and I am going to make sure he is the kind of husband from now on that deserves my forgiveness. If he can't be that then I may have to rethink this relationship.
As for right now, I feel better. We have had some good talks over the past few days. I am dropping it for now until he comes home and we can talk face to face. She is no longer deployed, she went home, so I am not worried about any more physical affair and if he is true to his word the emotional affair is done so I can relax a little until he is home.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that when your husband gets back that you immediately start counseling. As you indicated you want to be the kind of wife for him, so that he would not stray. You thought he never would, well honey I thought the same thing about mine. We met when I was 20, he was 25 and I thought that as well, yet he did. I started counseling through a program that army has set up for myself. Maybe you could do that for you to help you handle things until he is back.

You are a good wife and have done the right things and there may be something about your husband that you cannot fix and make better. Until he does the work on himself to see why he does this. It was hard for me to realize that I cannot fix mine either.

You are a strong woman and on the right path! PM me if you need to


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 29th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right, I can't fix my husband. I think this is something we have both realized.
He has spent the last eleven years trying to fix me and my issues like low self esteem, depression, apathy, ect...and he has figured out it is something I have to do, he just needs to support me.
In the same way I have tried to fix him, and in the process I have tried to change him and that was wrong.
We have to work on ourselves so we can work on our marriage.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
alonearmywife
♀ Member
Member # 27408
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me sad to see all the posts on this Military thread! My WH has only been in the Army for 4 years and it has been apparent to me from day one that cheating is just a 'natural' part of military life. And that's just not right.

My story is this: Married for about 4 1/2 years, physically together in the same place for a grand total of just about 12 months (and that's a couple months here, a couple months there). First deployment was 15 months, and he never cheated. He got home and had an A with someone I thought was my friend. I didn't find out about it until about a month after it ended (she told me, not him). Decided to try to work it out. Had 6 months of R (turned out to be fake R) before he deployed again. He is currently deployed (3 months left to go) and has just admitted to having another affair during this deployment. Not sure what to do now. He has problems, obviously... but do I stay with him and hope that he can 'fix' himself in therapy?


BS-me 27
WS-him 27
One amazing 4 year old
D-day 1: Oct 08 OW#1
false R: Oct 08-Jan 30, 2010
D-day 2: Jan 30, 2010 OW#2

I have decided to D... wish me luck!


Posts: 334 | Registered: Jan 2010
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 31st (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome alonearmywife and hugs to you.

My experience when FWH was in the Army (for 10 years, up until 2005), was that cheating was very accepted among his colleagues at work. Even officers with long time loving wives at home, turned into different men on deployment.

My FWH told me once he had sex with a random girl just because she walked into his barracks room to ask where the bathroom was.

I think there are a couple of things at work in my H's situation (he cheated with a married friend 2 years after his last deployment ended while her H was in Iraq):

1. He really believes that he is a bad person because of what he did "over there" and is going to hell anyway, so why not?

2. His brain is a mess (PTSD) and creating chaos through having an A serves two purposes.....he escapes and numbs his painful reality, he pushes intimacy further away.

3. His buddies cover for one another....this makes it all convenient and easier to keep secret.

I am not generalizing to all military folks....I am only speaking to my H's observations and ones I have made from the wife's perspective.

I wish you well and am sorry you find yourself here. Feel free to PM me anytime.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, February 1st (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to agree that the Military makes marriage very hard.

I have been married for 10 years and I think I have probably lived with my husband for maybe 5 of them and that is pushing it. All of those were 6 months here, 3 months there.

I can see how that will start to eat away at even the best marriages with two people who love each other very much. With so much separation affairs are so easy. Eventually people just get used to be apart and they grow apart so affairs happen while they are home and deployed. I'm not saying affairs don't happen in civilian couples but I think if anyone looked into it it is much more prevalent in military couples.

I wish that the military so something more to help in this area. Sure they have FRG, chaplains, counseling available, but it isn't as readily available as they make you think. My husband has been deployed now for 9 months and I haven't heard from his FRG once. There is also the fear of how going to a commander or counselor will make your husband look. There were times when everything started with my husband that I wanted to call his command and tell them they needed to talk to him but I knew that would only make it worse because of how that would make him look, like he couldn't do his job. Military careers are tough things and you don't want to do anything to negatively affect it. There is a stigma attached to counseling.

I am not blaming everything on the military. These spouses make their own decisions. It's just that it has become a "normal" and "accepted" thing among military personnel and until they stop basically condoning it and do something to help it is going to get worse, especially with deployments continuing the way they are.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read online yesterday that the military has decided to make the morning after pill easily available.

I'll leave it at that.....too much to say about it and it may sound judgemental so I will refrain.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
alonearmywife
♀ Member
Member # 27408
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... that's just... sad. Too many opinions on my end to comment nicely on that one. The way the military runs is truly astounding sometimes.


BS-me 27
WS-him 27
One amazing 4 year old
D-day 1: Oct 08 OW#1
false R: Oct 08-Jan 30, 2010
D-day 2: Jan 30, 2010 OW#2

I have decided to D... wish me luck!


Posts: 334 | Registered: Jan 2010
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you f'ing kidding me.

Oh the military does not "condone these actions" they just make it easier for the soldiers to get away with them.

My husband has had a vasectomy which is good and bad. Good because the whore can't get pregnant. Bad because he has less cause to have used protection with her.

I hate to be so mean about the OW, I don't know her or her situation. I have read a lot of posts from OS's and they are truly sorry for what they did. But for now I am angry at her and thing of her as nothing but an nasty, home-wrecking whore.

I just can't believe the military would say there is not fraternization allowed but would make is so tempting, as if they don't need much more temptation.

Is it wrong that I am so angry at her but not as much with him? I know they are both at fault but for me to work on my marriage I have let go of my anger towards him. My anger towards her isn't going anywhere. I hate her.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry frustratedagain and hugs to you. Be angry, hate her. I felt the same way a few months ago.

My FWH had sex with MOW while her husband was 6 months into a 2 year deployment to Iraq.

I, on the other hand, stayed faithful throughout his many deployments including 7 months in Afghanistan and 15 months in Iraq.

Infidelity is so disappointing on so many levels but I feel like on top of the normal betrayal, etc., my husband betrayed a brother in arms and when she came onto him, he could have stopped it and helped her to stay faithful while her man was away like his wife did for him.

OK, I'm crying again so I had better knock it off.

Just know that you are not alone.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her husband is a police officer as was she (she is in the national guard). She is the public affairs officer for the states national guard, on her kids pta, active in her church, she was over there to help in a humanitarian capacity but at the same time she was trying to destroy my marriage.
If it wouldn't derail my R with my husband I would out her but other then my own selfish satisfaction what good would it do. She has two young kids and I don't want them to have to go through a divorce if it can be helped. If she is trying to repair her marriage then I will let it be for her husbands sake and her kids, but not for her.
There is a message on my husbands facebook from her talking about how her friends want to know who the "hot" captain is in some of the press release photos. She has pictures of him on her facebook and I'm sure her husband has no idea what he was to her. It's disgusting.
They talked about how they weren't going to leave their spouses for each other but from the way she spoke to him I could tell she would leave her family for him in a second.
In the end he broke it off with her before I even found out which gives me a little comfort, that he broke her heart. She deserved it.
A couple of her friends are still friends with my husband on facebook (they were all deployed in the same place) and I am good with that because every time I post a picture of us together looking happy I want her to see it and kill her a little inside. I hope she hurts for a long time for her part in what she has done to me.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FrustratedAgain

Are you going to out her to her H?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 6th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no I am not planning on outing her unless she continues to contact my husband.

Like I have said before I would love to just to cause her some of the pain she has caused me but I don't wish that on her husband. If she genuinely is going to work on her marriage maybe he is better off blissfully ignorant, sometimes I wish I was. I also don't want to put her kids through the pain of a divorce. Not that it would be my fault but again if they can keep the picture of their happy family then I won't change that for them. Not unless she forces me to.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FrustratedAgain

If she genuinely is going to work on her marriage maybe he is better off blissfully ignorant, sometimes I wish I was.

Let sleeping dogs lie is a myth imo when it comes to aps.

He is not blissfully ignorant. He most likely knows something is wrong and it is probably driving him crazy.

In my sitch, H became a better H to me and a better father to the kids; however, something always felt off kilter. He would say stuff that I would just shrug off because it did not make sense to me. I eventually asked him if he had been with someone else during our marriage and he would lie. The guilt started to eat him alive and our family was his target to spew any venom that he did not direct at himself. I felt like I was going insane. If the xmow H had not called me who knows what would have happened. H never planned on telling me because he did not want to upset what he perceived to be our happy home. Within a year after dday xmow called our house on at least a couple of occasions looking for H and lying on me. She even contacted him after NC was asked for while he was deployed. Her job will allow her to find him wherever he goes just like your H's mow will be able to communicate with him unchecked. Fortunately, for our sitch I made everyone in their chain aware and they left it up to me as to how I wanted to proceed.

Last I knew xmow and her family are still a unit. My family is still a unit. The only players in this game that can change anything are the ones in it not the outside parties.

Sounds like your H and my H could be friends or even co-workers.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
tryingtogetby
♀ New Member
Member # 27649
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is Navy and was sent on a "no notice" deployment. He's never been on one like that before. He's always had time to prepare mentally and emotionally, this deployment gave him less than 24 hours notice. He got down and very depressed and told me a few things through email but everytime I asked him if his depression had something to do with our marriage he said now. Then he told me a few days ago he had been confiding in the OW and the got caught up in a moment and they had sex. afterwards they realized it was wrong and decidede it would never happen again (she has a BF). I am thankful he was honest with me and it won't happen again but still how do you deal with that? not knowing when he's coming back home, and knowing that the last person your husband touched wasn't you? It hurts so bad and i can tell he feels genuinely sorry but he says he's been unhappy in our marriage because he doesn't feel like we're really "friends" because we're always doing thigns with our kids and never have time to ourselves. I'm just so heartbroken and hurt, and thinking that although he says its not going to happen again and he's going to stay away from her, she's still there on his ship and I'm not and I never thought we'd have to deal with soemthing like this....

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2010
hecheatedonme12
Member
Member # 27621
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well i had been posting on other forum tll i found this..Read my profile for story.. Question is..hes in Korea now its driving me abs. nuts.. i worry he is doing it again..also ppl tell me they also do it with other soldiers.. i am going nuts..dunno what to do help

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2010
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