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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
ittybittya
♀ Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to preface my post to say that I was never married to exSO but I chose to wait for him to return from his 2nd deployment to Iraq at the end of 2007 until October 2008.

His first explosion on me verbally was a week before Christmas 2008. I don't think I would have believed it really happened except that my best girlfriend was visiting and she finally left sayin, "I cannot stay and listen to him speak to you that way".

His verbal abuse never followed a certain pattern. I drew my line in the sand requesting he seek counseling or some sort of help. He at first refused, then he would talk about getting some help as he continued to have difficulty concentrating and focusing on tasks. It was nothing but talk, he did nothing.

Our relationship (almost 5 years) hit an all time low when I was told that it was easier to come home from his first deployment in Iraq to nothing/cheating spouse that left him for another soldier and moved his children out of state than it was to come home to me/us.....me and my two children that made him a priority while he was gone. Ouch.

He told us to "get the F out" for the last time about a month ago and my two boys and I did move out. We left and we cannot look back. I think I've had my one and only experience with someone in the military and well, I guess I learned enough and a lot to know that I won't be trying that again.

He just never came back home....


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

spitfire77 big hugs to you. I think if the OW had been at the redeployment then I would be in jail right now. LOL Being dual military must have its difficulties because of the deployments, especially when they're staggered like that.

Sometimes I think the seperations has helped, because I don't have to see him everyday and I can just take time out to think. Then there are the days when I'm crazy with fear and wondering what he's doing over there, who he's talking to, what's he doing on the internet.

Reconciling is difficult, but I just can't see a future without him in it. As much as he's hurt me, I know he loves me and I love him. Even though I want to kick him really hard in the shin sometimes.

I think once we get past homecoming, we'll do better. Speaking of homecoming, I tried watching that show "Homecoming" and it made me angry at FWH. Never watching that again.

ittybittya@ So sorry to hear your story, big hugs to you. try to bear in mind though, that not all military guys are like that. It's just like any other career, you got guys from all walks of life.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
why2008
♀ Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ittybittya...

He told us to "get the F out" for the last time about a month ago and my two boys and I did move out.

NO ONE deserves to be spoken to like that and I am so glad you removed your sons from that toxic environment. I've had my share of verbal explosions. That being said I know that it is not as easy as just moving out when you have kids and repairing yourself after all of the trauma you have been through at his hands. My WS also had a previous wife that cheated on him while she was deployed, while he was cheating on her (found this out after D-day) and yes I was told that she was indeed a better wife than I was. They know they have fucked up and to make themselves feel better they have to tear us down to nothing.

Now that I am further out I wonder how do you say that to someone??? Perfect wife? I'll be the first to admit that I was and am far from perfect but I never did anything to deserve this kind of treatment.

I don't blame the military or the deployments for his cheating, he tried to blame the deployment, this was the first time, blah, blah, blah. If they are going to cheat, a deployment makes it easier.

I also think there are two kinds of cheaters, those that truly make a mistake, get in the wrong situation at the wrong time and those that are serial cheaters.

AKKAT22 Two years is the blink of an eye in the recovery after infidelity. The first year is just trauma, the second year is just learning to be unstable.

Spitfire

Now I feel like an idiot, because the OW was there.

You really shouldn't feel like an idiot, you believed you were greeting your HUSBAND after a deployment, the fact that a whore was in the vicinity has nothing to do with your intelligence. FWIW I'd bet most of us recovering from military deployment affairs have the same feelings, that the whores infringed upon a ceremony that was meant for US.

I married when I was 35 and had a career prior to being married and IMO the expectations in a military marriage ARE different than a civilian marriage. There are many more expectations of a military spouse and a lot less respect is granted to the spouse, you are expected to cheerfully support your H without any of your needs being met, because his job is so hard and demanding.

I think this is the biggest mistake we make, we lose ourselves in our dedication and then get kicked in the teeth for it.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
WarInside
♂ Member
Member # 31736
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spitfire, that sounds difficult, too. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. It's comforting to know that someone else is considering fitting R in around trips overseas.


31-year-old X-BH
29-year-old X-WW

D-Day in October 2010.

Separated In August 2011.

Divorced in March 2012.

Happy again.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2011
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I just want to feel normal again. I want that innocent trust again. Now I understand why some people choose to ignore A's, something to be said for denial or ignorance maybe.

[This message edited by AkKat22 at 1:04 AM, April 12th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, April 12th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you."
Erich Fromm

I can't agree more.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to feel normal again. I want that innocent trust again. Now I understand why some people choose to ignore A's, something to be said for denial or ignorance maybe

Oh, how do I know that feeling.

I think back to the afternoon of Feb. 23rd, before I got home and started the argument that finally led to the full disclosure after two years. I can remember a lot of things that happened that week (very busy at work), but I think I've blocked out that day.

What I wouldn't give to go back to that afternoon and tell myself to keep quiet. To not ask and be forever changed.


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, April 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.armytimes.com/news/2011/04/army-james-johnson-173rd-commander-firing-041111w/

This story's starting to gain a bit of press.


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
Liedto15
♀ New Member
Member # 31863
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, April 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I'm new and young so I don't know all of the abveriations.

My fiance is still in schooling right now and we have only been engaged for 1 month. I found out this morning that 2 weeks into the engagement he started talking to another girl, and told her he was SINGLE and we had broken up. While telling me he hadn't talk to any girls.

It slowly started coming together as I figured out more and more stuff and this morning I found out that he has been talking to her since he met her while lying to me about it, still telling her he is single and they are "getting to know each other". Yea I found that out by texting the girl.

How am I supposed to get through this and how should I trust him when he goes to his base which is still far away from me.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2011
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spitfire77@ Just finished reading that article. Wow, I don't even know what to say. People are really ready to sacrifice their careers and their families for a fantasy? It just boggles my mind.
Also, I think you're right about the 2nd year just learning to be unstable.

Liedto15@ Sorry you have joined our ranks, I know its very painful. Please read the Healing Library, it will help immensley. Hugs to you and hang in there.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing to remember is this: D-Day is a trauma, just like the trauma that leads to PTSD. It's not as bad as war or violent crime, but it's bad.

t/j from another thread, but I knew it would be understood here. When we were in MC, I was talking with our counselor about the two DDays and the impact it's had on my life. I said, "I've been shot at, hit with an IED, and survived countless mortar attacks. I would take that every day for the next year if I could take away the Affair-bomb that landed in my life." And I truly feel that way.

You know, my WH used my PTSD and depression as an excuse to the OW as to why we weren't happy anymore. Oh sure, he said he also told her that "it's not Spitfire's fault." I think that's yet another trigger. I was there, in Iraq, going outside the wire every day and I was fortunate that all I came home with was a messed up ankle and PTSD. Of course, OW and my WH were "fobbits." But she'll tell everyone about her "time downrange." (Sorry, got off-topic there.) Just pissy today, I guess.

*edited because my brain worked faster than my fingers.

[This message edited by Spitfire77 at 4:44 PM, April 22nd (Friday)]


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, May 3rd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC told me I probably have PTSD. I had been the victim of a violent crime when I was much younger, not to mention abuse by my mother. Then when Dday hit me, I kind of went off the deep end. Couldn't eat or sleep for 3 days and hands shaking. I thought PTSD was for deployed soldiers. Who'd a thunk?! FML. Anyways, MC said I need to seek IC. Yeah, I'll just squeeze that in with the family counseling, DS's psychiatrist and his IC. Not to mention my physical problems and in and out of the PCM's office. I know I need to take care of me and I will. Just feeling shitty this evening. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I belong here too. My STBXH messed up our life after entering the military. He changed completely and less 1 year after he started in basic training, I found out he had something going on with a female soldier. 20 years old no responsebilities bills kids etc. They could just have fun. We have always been very much into our faith, and had strong limits about what to do with the oposite gender. But about 8 months ago he changed and admitted "he just got along better with females, and didn't have many friends" so I wanted for my husband to be happy and have friends and was kinda okay with him having the friendships... then he started going yto dinner with this one femalefriend, and taking her to the movies on sat nights ... when I also found out he was paying I confronted him and told him I was not accepting of that.. there needed to be limits.. He claimed I was overly jaloux and every other couple wouldn't have problems with this. Soon after he changed and became mean to me and claiming I had a affair. He went to a party with the soldiers in a private home I asked him when he came home if he had done anything and other questions , he denied. a few hours after she wrote how amazing and wonderful he was, and after begging him to tell me the truth he admitted he started a relationsship 1 month prior. He's in the baracks living - where she is too while I get a divorce. I am aware of they are hanging out EVERY day between 1 to 2 .5 hour and that he takes her to hotel rooms on weekends. The captain is not helpful at all. He claim to his family I am exxagerating and dramatic, and they are just friends... so tell me why hide this girl when he use to tell me about the other socalled friends? He still wants me he chose to spend every day with her and have not asked for visitation with our 2 babies one single time (he has been gone from our house for 2 months now w military and civilian restrainingorder do to the affair and domestic violence) that's prety much our story :(


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they even have to sign in on paper to visit eachother, and they do but nobody cares about it


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he is now kick out of the military because he messed everything up, very selfdestructive indeed. late all the time, showing up in the wrong uniform at the wrong place, just can't seem to do what is required of a soldier.. So me and the kids needs to out of our house in about 2 weeks, and the military still haven't told me if they are covering a deposit for an apartment since he is taking pretty much everything of our paychecks ... left us w 11 $ one time, 21 $ the next etc... I have to go to the ASC to pick up food cupons while he eat dinner and take her to the hotels! He also tryed to pick up our car for him to have 2 cars on base, and me and the kids have none... makes sence right.


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
ISawItComin
♀ Member
Member # 31793
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took me awhile to find my way to this thread. He deployed for a year, met her and was with her for the entire deployment, came back home for about 4 months, then moved out to be with her.


Seriously? Seriously.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: New York
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isawitcomin was it a female soldier too? freacking amazing! you were waiting for him while he was deployed and then he came home just to leave! How did you find out?


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
ISawItComin
♀ Member
Member # 31793
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep it was a female soldier. Yep, I was waiting for him to come home to me, just for him to leave. Pretty much, shite.


Seriously? Seriously.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: New York
therun
♂ Member
Member # 32086
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometime I am amazed at hearing about all of the affairs from deployed servicemembers. I guess my deployment was different.. only females I saw were the eyes and the rest of them covered. I litereally didnt see an American female for over four months at one stretch.

Wish I could say the same about my wife and the guys waking up in my bed over the same period of time.


-the run-
Minnesota Nice

Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wish I could say the same about my wife and the guys waking up in my bed over the same period of time.

(((therun)))


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
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