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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG therun so sorry to hear that. So many people just can't show their partners the respect they deserve :(


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
therun
♂ Member
Member # 32086
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welp if people learned how to respect each other and their vows places like this wouldn't be needed.


-the run-
Minnesota Nice

Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
DanishMom
♀ Member
Member # 32068
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

right on! I know he was sad in our marriage but what about ME? I was sad too, yet I tryed to get us MC as a solution, my solution wasn't to go out and get satisfaction from someone else.


Me : 27
married 3 years
2 kids 1 & 2 years old
found out my husband had a relationsship to a co worker in the last part of March 2011.
I knew he would be too much of a coward to ever admit it and that I had to become a PI myself in order to find out

Posts: 78 | Registered: May 2011 | From: CA
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out another military couple I'm acquainted with is going through the same thing. Her WH had three affairs during his last deployment, and he's walking away from the marriage. It's so strange, because I knew them before his most recent deployment and he was the most loving husband and devoted father. I don't know what changed, but it's triggered me a little.


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wasn't deployed when he has his affair. He was gone training for ten whole days, but didn't even make it two days before finding someone else. I don't get it. How can a person make it 12 and 15 months, but not a week and a half? We had issues before because he was on websites like AdultFriendFinder and SeekBang, but as far as I know he didn't do more than go on those sites (not that he'd tell me more anyway). Also, how can someone deny what they did when I'm literally looking at the proof as I talk to him, and its pretty damning proof. He just tells me he doesn't kow what I'm talking about like I'm a complete idiot! GRRRR!! I'm so freaking frustrated! I've now moved into a different bedroom (on our Chaplain's advice) and am HOPING he'll get his head on straight, but I'm not holding my breath for it.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 608 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((frigidfire86)))

So sorry you're joining us in this group. Who knows why they do the dumb stuff they do. Be good to yourself, and know that we're here for you.


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH deployed from Feb thru June 2009, stationed at other side of state from July through November 09, then went to training from Dec 09 through Feb 10. He then went to Iraq between Feb10 through Aug 10.
He and a woman from his civilian job started to call each other sometime between the two deployments on a secret phone. Said "she listened to him"!
What drives me crazy was he wasn't listening to me! I was taking care of everything at home including selling our rental, but nothing was ever good enough for him.
They stole my time I needed him, stole my peace of mind, and he had survived so many other times being away from home, or not?
And I knew something was up almost instantly, classic signs of cheating, but no proof. I hate that I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was deploying and I thought it could have been the withdrawel and distancing before leaving.
So now everytime he is away with business with job or military, I freak out on him because he doesn't call me like he called her. I hate that I am not the wife I used to be who didn't pressure him to call all the time and be accountable. I trusted him and thought he would never go there because his first wife was the WS when he was deployed. Boy he played me for the fool!

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all you on here. ((()))
My FWH had an A AFTER he returned home from deployment, all of about 4 days. Yup, spent a whole year away from us then BANG! pun intended.

2nd DD antiversary yesterday and it was rough, but I'm still here today.

[This message edited by AkKat22 at 12:15 AM, June 24th (Friday)]


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
Spitfire77
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AkKat22)))


BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
FrustratedAgain
New Member
Member # 27364
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 27th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to everyone who has had to post here.

I posted on this forum last in February of last year. It has been about a year and a half since I found out about my husbands affair with another officer while he was deployed. Things have gotten easier. He has been stateside since April of 2010 but living in another state because I was finishing school and he got stationed somewhere else.
We talked through many of our issues when he got home and I asked him questions about his affair and he apologized.
I am still having trouble with it now and then. He gets quiet and shuts down when I ask him anything about it. It almost seems like he gets mad but he is trying to hide it. I am afraid to talk to him about it, especially so long from when it happened because deep down I feel like our marriage is still so fragile that he may just decide I will never forgive him and leave.
I never asked for the exact details (whether they had sex or not). I know I really don't want to know but part of me feels like I need to know. Is it better to wonder if they did and picture it or know that they did and still picture it? Either way I see it in my head.
All of this was triggered the other day because I had my annual exam and they told me that I wouldn't need a pap smear because mine have routinely been clean, unless my husband or myself have had other partners. I told them I didn't need one but part of me wonders if that is true. I emailed him and told him what they said and told him that I didn't want to know anything but if there is any reason that I should have gotten one that I need to know, like if he has noticed anything with himself health wise. I am pretty sure I have nothing to worry about there but I had a scare many years ago where I had precancerous lesions on my cervix and since then I have been paranoid. My doctor said it was so long ago and I have been good since but still I don't want some tramp my husband was deployed with to mess with my health.
Sorry for the rant, I had to get that out.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2010
pleasetellme
♂ Member
Member # 24740
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi frustrated, sorry you are here. I would have the tests done regardless. Better to know than not. you need to know. all part of the experience sadly. I know you want to believe he is being honest but don't risk your health.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Texas
trish
♀ New Member
Member # 32456
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To FrustratedAgain

You deserve the peace of mind that comes with knowing your health was not compromised by your WH...get tested for everything. You have nothing to be ashamed about -- after DD #1 I sat sobbing in the exam room with my then wonderful PA, who handed me tissues and said that I deserved to know about my health and he would help me make sure I was OK. It was a healing moment. One you completely deserve!!


Me: BW-54 Him: WH-56 SA/NPD
2 grown sons
Married 30 yrs
Dday #1 Mar/98, kids were tweens, reconciled
Dday #2 Nov/08, separated, he moved in with latest skank/OW.
LT/ST/ONS affairs over 28 yrs.
Ready to be past the humiliation and grief.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
frigidfire86
♀ Member
Member # 32324
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now everytime he is away with business with job or military, I freak out on him because he doesn't call me like he called her

Oh, I know the feeling. My H is gone all the freaking time (stupid Army!) and I go crazy. Every time he leaves, I'm constantly checking phone records, emails, bank accounts, etc to see what he's up to, who he's with, where he is, etc. I hate this. Its horrible enough that I have to worry about him getting killed/injured all the damn time, but now I have to worry about him being unfaithful too.


Me: 28
Him: 29
Married 8 years
Daughter, 7 yrs old
D-Day: 05/08/2011

Posts: 608 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Germany
ForkedRoad
♀ Member
Member # 32856
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 21st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! 43 pages! Military support svcs needs to do better in helping to support marriages.

In any case, I'm new & I posted this today in another forum, but it really should be on thread. I'm 3yrs post affair after enduring a 1yr deployment while spouse was living it up in Bahrain w/some lowly MOW. Here it is:
What I really want to do is write the F' word 3x in colorful, giant, bold letters w/an exclamation point.
It's difficult to not chastise oneself for
1. Being in limbo
2. having contemptuous feelings twds the WS
3. Regretting not ending it all when it all fell out
4. still struggling to find which path is the best for oneself in the long run
5. watching the years go by while deciding which way to go
6. sliding back two steps for every step forward
7. not realizing sooner that WS will never be 100% forthcoming and allowing oneself to be lured by the dangling carrot of hope that maybe, just maybe, today will be the day when the WS will come clean.
8. not thinking clearly and developing two opposing voices in the head that will just NOT stop bickering.

btw: Yes, I did try IC for a bit and read every book, article, and forum. I'm just thinking that perhaps the damage was to great to repair, as I am ordinarily a very level headed and forgiving individual. And....WS is remorseful, shamed, humiliated, exposed, and just dying to repair the damage (except his stories don't jive). It's me. I'm the one no longer in the boat.


Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 24th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH at Shelby for AT. Where they called each other last year. Triggering everyday, all day, don't want to talk to him, but then that was his excuse last time. "She listened to me"! She wasn't even military, so she doesn't know the pain when they leave. Her H was still at home taking care of her stuff and her. I'm sure she thought she was supporting our troops. Wish a stray tank would take her out!

I feel bad about thinking this, but they are using live rounds, and you know what I'm thinking. God forgive me!

I hate it when he calls, I hate it when he doesn't. I hate that the scum that text him inappropriately is there. I hate that she thought the door was open for her to walk through. I hate that he allowed her to think it. I hate the army, I hate their creed. I am mad at him for doing this to our life without giving it a second thought! I hate it when he tells me he loves me, what does that even mean anymore?

Mad is better than numb. When I am numb, i want out!


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
AkKat22
♀ Member
Member # 28598
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, July 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel like I can't talk to my FWH. He's trying really hard at reconciling. But whenever I get angry or depressed then he gets angry and depressed. Then I feel like I have to try to make him feel better. So now, I'm back to not really talking about what's really bothering me, but I feel my insides stewing.

I thought when he got back from deployment things would get better, doesn't seem to be working out that way though.


Me: BS 46
FWH: 42
D-day: EA/PA 19 June 09
5 Children
M: 20 years
Separated

Posts: 83 | Registered: May 2010 | From: North
bloodstream
♀ Member
Member # 32999
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*i originally put this on the "just found out" board, and someone told me about the deployment board...

i'm new here. found out about an ea my wh had on 21 june 2011. he is deployed for a year to afghanistan. the ow is also active duty there with him. i found out 3 months and 3 weeks into the deployment... a long way off till march 2012 when he comes home. how in the world do we "fix" this while we can't even see each other? the time difference, the communication difficulties, the fact that the ow is there and there is no chance for nc with her for him....
ugh.
he has stopped all contact other than what is professionally necessary, and lets me know when he must deal with her. he calls and skypes me when he can and i do feel that he is indeed sorry and is trying. i am seeing a counselor and just got on zoloft today. i couldn't function! crying all the time, feelings of despair and hopelessness... pathetic. i have read a lot in the healing library, good stuff.
just wanted to know if anyone had anything to say on how to deal with this while we are so physically far apart... i have to believe that r is possible! i just never knew something like this could hurt so badly.... i mean, like, physically hurt.
help!


me: heartbroken
him: the one who did it
in R

Posts: 90 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Just South Of There....
onedaycloser
♀ New Member
Member # 33026
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and I are working on R. He cheated on his first deployment because he was "lonely", his words. Then when he came home he cheated again, this one was worse. EA and PA with a fellow service member. It killed me.
It's been over a year and we are working hard at R and expecting a baby. He is deployed again and it kills me that I think about him cheating again. How do I get those thoughts out of my head?


BS - 28
WH - 26
Married for 4 years - expecting 1st child
D-Day 2/7/11

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: FL
JustKeepSwimmin
♀ New Member
Member # 33130
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 17th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

So I'm having a bit of a dilemma, which I guess can be applied to any cheating situation really.

My husband is currently overseas but is deployed to a very lucky location where there are almost all of the amenities of home. He has the internet in his room and because of this we are incredibly lucky and can talk every day on skype as well as use facebook.

So, if I find out that is he cheating because I was doing something that I wasn't supposed to be doing (checking up on his facebook account, which he doesn't know that I know the password to) in the first place, do I confront him? Also, should I not confront him because he's deployed?

I hate that I am the one being screwed over here and yet I am still worried about his well-being first!?!?

Thoughts?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2011
onyxns
♀ New Member
Member # 32945
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 18th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is in the CAD military, was in Afghanistan last year...seems him and the cOW were intimate while in Afghanistan as she became pregnant while over there.

What makes me mad, is that nothing is being done to either of them! They should be charged...he's 2 ranks above her, he should be court martialled! I'm so mad that this was so easy to do while fighting a war....

the baby was born in July.


me, BS - 40 yrs
him, WH - 35 yrs
married 10 yrs
dd 15
ds 9
OC born July 13, 2011

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Canada
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