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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
♀ Member
Member # 33039
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, August 24th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the military for 5 years. Started dating my husband after we got back from our first deployment. AFter one month of dating- he moved to APG, MD and I to Ft. Carson, CO. We decided to keep dating. I just recently found out he cheated on me with someone in his BNCOC class while we were dating. 5 months into our marriage- he cheated on me while I was at NTC. I discovered this through phone bills, but he swore up and down there was no sex. Just recently found out this was not true. I deployed to Iraq again- he cheated on me while he was TDY in Germany and again with a woman he was looking into to work in his department. I got medevaced to Walter Reed and stayed with my husband. We finally got to live together. I got pregnant and had our daughter. We moved to Germany. I have no friends, no family. I got depressed, no sex drive. I caught him cheating again with someone in his platoon. She is also married- her husband is deployed. I tried to email her husband to tell him, but she has the passwords to all his email accounts and deletes my emails before he reads them. I am hurt that fellow female soldiers would do this. I am hurt my husband would do this. I got out of the military to be with him. I probably would have stayed in. I feel like he led me on, never showed me his true colors. We are trying to work it out- he says he won't do it again. But he can't handle being lonely. So I wonder how is he going to handle future deployments. HE's going to Warrant Officer school for 6 months- how do I handle this? God, I had to help my soldiers deal with their wives infidelities while I was in Iraq- never thinking my husband was doing the same to me. I hate this.

Me BS 30
WH 32
Married 4 years
D-Day #1 June 30, 2011
D-Day #2 Aug 13, 2011
Child: 1 daughter, 2 years old

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. ~ Maya Angelou

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ New Member
Member # 33435
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, October 1st (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright so I need to Divorce my wife ASAP. She has been extremely unfaithful my entire deployment. My mother is holding a power of attorney to divorce her in my name. I got this thing called
They are going to send the paperwork to my mother. PROBLEM:Wife is withholding DL number to get this thing rolling. Even though the divorce was her idea. I was willing to do anything to stay together. WAS! but as of yesterday I am done trying. I gave her the ultimatum, now or never, yes or no. She said no. So I'm done. She still hasn't given me the damn DL number. It's the last thing I neeed for the online portion of divorcewriter. Moving on, after my mother gets the paper work, whats the next step?

Posts: 18 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Deployed to Afghanistan
♀ Member
Member # 33593
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WH had an A when he left for a 2 wk training in OK .. idk why he couldnt wait until he got home he waited for a month when he was in NTC before!!! it jsut pisses me off .. he didnt even think about me or our 3 month old son while he was doing it ether.. and when he told me i checked phone records and he didnt call her but they had over 300 txts .. he doesnt even txt me that much!! my WH was a wonderful husband and father he was raised in a church family had very high morals.. i mean he never ate a meal without praying over it EVEN a bag of chips.. i dont get how someone can be so high on a pedestal and fuck it all up for nothing.. i mean according to him and the OW it lasted less than a minute bc he couldnt keep it up.. HELLO MAYBE BC HE SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!! so this OW ( i have a lot of names for her bt iuess that is the shortest to type) is also in his unit so he sees her everyday.. she says she doesnt want anyting to do with him bc he isnt shit.. WELL IF HE ISN SHIT WHY DID YOU FUCK HIM !???!!?!? doesnt make much sense to me. I hope he keeps up being good as far as the NC and R'ing bc i wont put up with this shit more than once. ( sry for language just really gets me mad)

BS(me) 23 SAHM/ army wife
WS 22
DS- 6 months
married a little over a year
dday july 25, 2011
trying to R

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: ft hood, tx
♀ New Member
Member # 33779
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to have found other military wives going through this crap! I've been married 18 years, he's been cheating for at least a year and a half with another parent in my son's BOY SCOUT TROOP! How sickening is that...I'm a stay at home mom (for 10 years now) of 4 kids and always stayed home while he got to go off skiing, motorcycle trips, etc - I could never go because I needed to be home with the kids. Now I've realized that on Scouting trips he was spending time with her! I'm so disgusted. He had 3 deployments last year (a little over 2 months each) and I was home with a new baby & the other 3 kids to get off to school etc - he was Skyping with her when he should have been talking to me and the kids. I even had the chance to privately talk to his commanding officer this week while at a squadron event, and he told me there is nothing he can do. I'm sorry, isn't there some kind of military code of conduct being broken here? It just seems so WRONG that there isn't any justice. He gets away with it all, and I'm left to pick up the pieces. He wouldn't move out, so now he lives in our 3 bedroom home while the kids and I had to move in with my mom. He isn't remorseful, never said he was sorry, even brings his GF to my home (my neighbors tell me). I feel so betrayed and angry. I'm working on getting into counseling (already have older kids going) as I know I need help coping with all of these feelings..

Stay at home mom of 4
I'm 39
He's 42
Married 19 years, divorce final Jan 2013
OW is 36

Posts: 44 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 32086
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time dealing with the end of my marriage and my time in Iraq.

When I came home the only person in the world that held me as i was thrashing and raving stupid about Iraq was her.

Now what kept me safe is what pushed her away. I am alone, my shrink tries but doesnt seem to get this.

I feel the loss of the marriage is worse than what I lost over seas. I love her, but she is pioson. When I was taking bullets, she was taking men to our bed. When I came home, she just became sneakier about it. When I paid her college off, she went off.

And now and than, all I want in the world is for her to tell me I'm gonna be alright.

-the run-
Minnesota Nice

Posts: 127 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
♂ New Member
Member # 33874
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Already posted all the gory details of "my story" in just found out. It is very lengthy. If you care to read it and have any advice or pointers I would greatly appreciate it.

DS-16, DD's 15 and 10

Posts: 30 | Registered: Nov 2011
♂ New Member
Member # 33905
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married 8 years ago, went to Iraq shortly after and she was already with an old boyfriend before the airplane left the ground. She slept with 3 other individuals all in the military as well while I was overseas that time as well. Yes, I did find out and actually did work through things with ww regarding this. I worked through it but as many of you would guess she never did. Over the next several years she ended up with several more people (all while doing her 2 weeks of training) she is in the reserves as well. Then I talked about divorce and she ran like h#!! and volunteered for the first unit going overseas she could find. She left my step son with me and took off. During the time she was gone about 7 months total she was able to add an impressive number of new notches to her bedpost. She is not very good at not having someone there to drain emotionally. The best part is I filed for a divorce a few months after she left and then went out with a woman on a few dates. Now I am the adulterer and this woman is the reason we are getting a divorce. I so wish the first time around I had found this site and also educated myself on BPD, BP and narcissistic disorders. The really bad thing is I really still love who I thought she was and think about her every day. We also worked out a 50/50 agreement relating to my step son (I am the only dad he has ever known and raised him for the last 8 years) the first time it was supposed to start she said no and now she is using him against me and hurting both of us. The military really should start doing something about this stuff. I seen it first hand over and over again myself and then I had it happen to me because of her. Many of her “friends" were a higher rank both enlisted and officer and everyone just looked the other way. It is a real shame what is allowed to happen.

Me - 45 and moving on
Her - 40 and still doing what she does best
SS - 15 and struggling with her actions but making progress being with me

Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: PA
♀ Member
Member # 34496
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out while my H was home on xmas leave that he had an affair with a 22 year old girl while he was at BOLC in Oklahoma (fellow classmate). He is graduating today and then driving home. He is Guard, so no pending deployments in the forceeable future. I'm still trying to get my head around all of this. First time he has cheated on me, but while he was active duty in the Navy he cheated on his first wife and his subsequent girlfriend. Yes, I was naive thinking I was different...he had told me about his past, but also said the relationships were already in bad shape when the affairs happened. Our marriage was quite happy, so my mistake was thinking that he wouldn't cheat while away. Anyway, I went to OK to visit him with our baby half way through his time there...he started having an EA with the girl after I left, then it became PA around Thanksgiving. I'm noticing that anything military related is a trigger for me. I can't watch homecomings on t.v. without crying or getting very angry. Whenever I see someone in uniform, I immediately start accusing them of being unfaithful to their spouses in my head. Anyone else deal with this? I used to be a very proud military spouse and very involved in military support, etc. Now I can't stand being part of this community. Logically I know that it's not the military's fault and that not all soldiers cheat....but it is still a huge trigger for me. Help!

Me: BS (37)
Him: someone else's problem
1DS (3)
M: 5yrs
OW: irrelevant at this point.
DDay: 12/17/11
Divorced: 01/13

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I am the same. I hate the homecoming stuff on tv, I automatically wonder which one was cheating. Can stand looking at the uniform and I can't believe their creed. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, crap, crap, crap. Sorry to the faithful.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing some research online today about divorce and the military, and discovered that there is indeed an article in the ucmj that addresses adultery. Interesting reading, considering how much of this behavior seems to be just overlooked! For anyone interested, google ucmj and adultery. Might be some good reading for your WS and his/her commander!!

Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 16th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was doing some research online today about divorce and the military, and discovered that there is indeed an article in the ucmj that addresses adultery. Interesting reading, considering how much of this behavior seems to be just overlooked! For anyone interested, google ucmj and adultery. Might be some good reading for your WS and his/her commander!!

This is true, and if you have a supportive command, they'll usually do something about it. However, my story was the other side of the coin. Even when given evidence of the emails that were sent between them from their work email accounts, FWH's command really didn't care. It wasn't until MY commander started to put a little pressure on them that they separated them and gave them a No Contact Order. But turned a blind eye when it was violated, numerous times. If it's causing problems in the workplace, or if it's an officer-enlisted thing, they usually have no choice but to prosecute. My FWH's command had the typical "everyone does it" attitude when it came to cheating on deployment.

BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
♀ Member
Member # 27654
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm not sure this is the right place to post this but I'm seeking help for someone.
Is there a forum like SI for military spouses?
Thank you

Me - BS 48
Him - WS 50
OW - Co-worker
Married 25 years
Daughter 24
D-day #1 Sept 2009, found e-mails he claimed just friends
D-day #2 Dec 2009, after a lot of digging finally admitted to EA and PA
Status - in R

Posts: 81 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 24486
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that I know of, but feel free to PM me any questions that you have. I might be able to help.

BW (Me): 32
WH (Him): 32
Married: Dec. 04
Two kids, 6 & 4
Divorce will be final 26 SEP 13

Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Someplace I'd rather not be.
♀ Member
Member # 24434
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 30th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what kind of help she needs but military one source has just about everything. Have her Google it. If she is a military dependant, she qualifies for everything from online resources to free counseling (up to 12 sessions per counselor per issue).

BW & STBXWH-both Mid 30's
No kids together, he has preteen D(visitation-no custody)
Multiple DDays- at least to me (see profile for the story)
Separating & Divorcing.

Posts: 398 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: half past the point of no return
♀ New Member
Member # 34771
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know who else to ask....this has been killing me inside for a few days. For three years our relationship has been rocky. We have had a stupid arugument at leats once a week..yelling screaming...fighting complaining about him and him being defensive about me nagging.. Anyways, he has often broke up with me because he said the relationship has been too stressful and I can't appreciate him, and I'm full of trust issues ( my ex cheated), but yet, we usually get back together after he calms down. Well lately I had noticed his behavior has been a little off. He had been getting mad and blaming me for a lot of things and just overall mean. I had finally had some type of revelation back in Januaury, and wanted to give my all, stop the arguing nonsense and let my wall completley down, so I have been working my butt off to make this work. I thought he would have been more receptive, but instead he got even more distant. Sunday was the day he decided to tell the girl he has been cheating with since NOV that he had to cut it off and he could no longer lead this double life and that he wanted to make it work with me. Apparantly, she had started wanting something more, and he told her he had never planned to leave me. Then, at 2:00 am I get a knock on my door and he confesses he has cheated for 3 months....he then started balling and crying and freaking out when I just looked at him. He was on his knees begging me to forgive him..but I told him to leave. He is a total wreck now. All his friends say he is really beating himself up, and can't barely hold it together. tuesday, he left me this 4 page letter in my door about how he felt, and how truly sorry he was, and how he could never forgive himself for this one. I finally allowed contact via text with him yesterday and he says he did it beacuse she was what I wasnt. She was easy to talk to, never complained..he says she is what he thought he wanted becaiuse there was no drama, no problems, no arguments..of course..she was the side chick EH said he used it as a crutch and he knows he should of been more of a man and communicated better. That she was nice and cool..but he knew he would never be with someone like her.

He sounds terrible, saying he can't do anything, is crying every day, considers himself scum......I don't know what to do. I want someone to explain to me how you can cheat for 3 months because of relationship hardhsips, but are dying inside because I may not forgive you and take you back. Do people not think of this while they are doing it? He has been derpressed for months, about family, money, job, and our isssues...and I have held him up and helped him out every step of the way. He was cheated on by his ex wife, so I never expected this type of behavior from him. That night he confessed he cried and cried because he said I have cared about him like no one else...even more than his ex wife..and that he knows I'm the best thing he has ever had. His emotions were genuine, I've never seen someone so distraught, sobbing over a sistuation like this. He said he knew he was wrong, but he let the bad problems in our relationship validate his actions. I sometimes wonder did he tell me cause she was starting to want more and he did'nt want to deal with the complexity anymore...she asked him to choose her and leave me...he said that was never his plan..that he has always been in love with me ( which I don't think I believe anymore).

I try not to ask to many details...obviously she came over his house, hung out, and they have sleopt toegther..but what the heck was he thinking????? Yet, none of my firends have said just leave of my friends was at the superbowl party that he came to and the girl crashed, and she saw what happened and said he was about to break down in front of everyone that he said "I'm going to lose her".....I just want some unbiased advice or a different outlook on this situation...he is in the military and leaving in 2 months..and will be gone for 6....he wants this resolved before he leaves because he thinks I'll be done when him gets back......

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 10th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you married, children? Sounds like there is a problem with communication. Can this be fixed with counseling? Do you want to stay in a relationship where all there is, is arguing? It is really something you need to ask yourself, do you really want to be here anymore? Is this relationship toxic? Are you compatible? Is it just a power struggle? This is the time you need to be totally honest with yourself. It is going to be hard, but if he is willing to do everything he needs to make you feel safe during the healing and you want to stay, then I hope you work it out.

Go to the healing library and read everything there to help you.

I wish mine stbx had acted like this when he failed.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affair/ending after his deployment-I don't blame that specifically we are both military and there are plenty of good and moral soldiers out there. But, he is about to deploy again-we haven't spoken since I posted away after D day-and I'm scared. What if something happens to him? How do I process all of this and where would I fit? Can't believe I'm thinking this way but am sure allot of you unerstand.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, February 23rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out the FWH had a ONS when he was attending the Sargeant Major Academy right before Christmas of 08. I was in another state with our youngest as we were on senior stabilization. He had his ONS about 2 weeks before he was coming home for Christmas break. I didnt find out about it till 2011 even though I knew in my heart. Guess where we just got stationed a few months ago. Yep El Paso where this all happened.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1629 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if anyone is still on this thread, but here it goes. My husband and I were stationed in Okinawa for 4 and 1/2 years. During this time he went TDY usually at least once a month. All over southeast asia,including Thailand and the Phillippines. During this time he cheated on me with prostitutes, around 40 in total. I didn't find out about this until 5 years after it happened. He is out of the military now and swears he is deeply ashamed of his past behavior. What really pisses me off is that everyone he went with did this. One time in the Philippines his commander actually paid for the whores to come to them. So much for honesty, integrity, blah, blah, bullshit and more bullshit. I fucking hate the military now. Why shouldn't I? Logically I know that not all of them are miserable excuses for human beings, but EVERY SINGLE ONE I ever met is. I'm just so angry I can barely function sometimes.

Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1138 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Member # 36300
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dameia -
I so hear you about the anger. My H walked out on our family in '06. After 2 years of separation we reconciled.
I was foolish enough to not seek marriage counseling after we got back together because it always seemed like his schedule was so busy.
Now, I am so enmeshed in my anger towards him that it colors every facet of our relationship.
He was recently under investigation for the suspicion of 'preferential treatment' of one of his NCOs, who just conveniently happens to be a 24 yr old female.

I have absolutely no faith that there was nothing inappropriate going on. I just don't have an ounce of trust in him any more.

I have made a therapy appointment for Aug 10th so that I can hopefully start to untangle this constant knot in my belly. I am tired of being angry and distrustful.
At this point I don't even care whether or not he wants to do counseling when he gets home.
*I* need it for myself. He can do whatever he wants. I have suffered at the hands of his egotistical, entitled, malcontent self long enough.

I so hope I can gain some peace and perception.
I am sending good thoughts out for you as well.
We deserve better than this.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Germany
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