I'm so sorry for your pain and I will be sending good thoughts your way.
One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz
The military encourages such behavior, IMO.
^^^I agree with that^^^
Unfortunately in my husbands unit ALL the men cheated on their wives (except for one SSgt. who was strong enough to stay away). Every time they went to Thailand it was a big drunk/whore fest. If they weren't working they were out at the bars drinking and whoring around. It was so bad, that one time in the Philippines they were locked down so the commander paid for an entire bar to be brought to them, including all the prostitutes that worked at the bar. It was a sick culture.
However in the end it is up to the individual people to know right from wrong. What hurts me is that my husband knew what he was doing we wrong, but kept making the same choice over and over again. I've never gone with the crowd and I thought my husband was the same type of person. Turns out I was wrong...
It infuriates me that their commander set that kind of example!!
This is something that should most certainly not be condoned by senior leadership. Your husband's commander was an asshole. It puts anyone strong enough to say no to their peers in a bad place. It can be hard to say no to peers.... but your commander? Yes, they teach in basic training that you need to know the difference between what is a lawful and unlawful order.... but someone with a commander's rank and influence REALLY shouldn't be acting that way. How sad and infuriating.
As it is the E's frequently express disapproval of many O's. But this sure takes the cake.
[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 4:05 PM, August 13th (Monday)]
Please don't believe this to be true. I'm a Soldier who believes 100% in honor and integrity. And I would say that out of the five units I've been assigned to, none have promoted a culture that is supportive of cheating. However, my husband was attached to a unit that turned a blind eye, even after receiving copies of the incriminating emails. Sure, a "no contact order" was given, but never enforced.
I understand where you're coming from, but please don't think all of us are cheating lowlifes.
I am dealing with a lot of "ah hah" moments, I don't believe he is actively involved with another person at this time, but have no doubts that he will be at some point, whether it's near or far future doesn't seem to matter. What matters is, now that I am certain I don't have a future with him, how can I start designing a future at all until he comes home? He comes home in January, we are set to PCS in March, and we are overseas so relocating before he gets here is a bit of an issue. Also, I just don't think I can live with myself for talking divorce with him while he is deployed. I don't like the place I am in, I am trying to just make some plans and have a readiness to get on with it after he's home, but more and more, I just don't want to be here when he gets home.
Don't lie to me, just get your things. I've made up your mind~ Evanescence
I think it's funny how yours foretold his destiny! And has to grovel for help!! I bet no one hears about THAT!!
Should I file separation and go establish residency so that I can keep some benefits and all for a bit longer?
Totally not the case. I just retired from 30 years Air Force and while in Special Operations spent half the year TDY. (Interesting...my WW was faithful while I was deployed, but not when I retired and started a new career).
The "Military" does not condone this. In fact, I've helped my Commander punish troops that commited adultery and sexual misconduct while TDY. It's the younger culture that condones this behavior. It happens when the supervisors and higher ranking are not around.
It's not the MILITARY, it's the depraved, despicable people that somehow made it into the military!
[This message edited by SecondHelping at 8:14 AM, October 22nd (Monday)]
When in Thailand the enlisted men would go out together and they often ran into (although did not associate with) the officers who were TDY. The officers, mostly older gentlemen, were always covered with hookers. It was just the way his unit was. In fact, there was only one man, a SSgt., who was known to never cheat on his wife. EVERYONE knew about it, and everyone (save for the single SSgt.) participated. It's a truly sick culture.
It's the younger culture that condones this behavior. It happens when the supervisors and higher ranking are not around.
My husband is also retired Air Force. His first affair happened while deployed for a year. Prior to his affair, almost every supervisor was parading around the base with a younger enlisted female "TDY wife" away from his own wife back in the states. Every one of these guys was an older guy in a supervisory position and should have known better. They absolutely condoned and encouraged the behavior.
If my husband had just told me about it, I wouldn't have believed him. I'd have thought he was trying to make an excuse for his own behavior. But I know first hand that it's true. I went to that country and spent eight days watching it happen with my own eyes. In several instances, I was in the same place as one of the supervisors and his "TDY wife".
Affairs happen everywhere, in every career field, TDY or not, retired or not. Sometimes the atmosphere encourages them. Sometimes it doesn't. It boils down to this:
Even if my husband's commander hand-picked the girl for my husband and gave him orders to sleep with her, he knew better. He should have made the same choice I was making back in the states while I was working, going to college, and taking care of three kids by myself: to stay faithful. He didn't make that choice and he has no excuse for it that matters to me. I know from the OWs own words that she threw herself at him and made herself available. Again, it doesn't matter. She should have been able to lie down naked in front of him and have him walk around her.
Military or not, permissive atmosphere or not, affairs are selfish choices. And the fact that it's a choice is what keeps me from letting my husband off the hook for his behavior no matter what the surrounding atmosphere was like.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 12:35 PM, November 5th (Monday)]
It makes me sick to think that it continued when he came home.
This infidelity happened throughout a 10 year period in the late 80's and 90's.
I just found out about all of this last year!
It has been a huge struggle...its like finding out 10 different A's all at the same time.
Sad..that is all I can say. And we do have a nice life, H retired from service 5 years ago, has a good job.
What is really hard is I was in the dark all those years. To me he was always a wonderful, loving, caring husband.
Taking things a day at a time!
Healing myself is now my top priority.
She knows nothing about the life of a military wife. Has no idea what to expect ... nor do I. Any advice is appreciated (should this be moved to Off Topic)?
What does TDY stand for?
I suggest you start an off topic thread, as the opinions of many here don't seem to reflect very high thoughts of military folks after getting burned in conjunction with military service. There are many folks on SI that are present or past military who served honorably and are here because they are the BS.
Yes your DD married suddenly and young, but it happens a lot in this lifestyle, and many couples do just fine with it. I hope you can bask with her in happiness for her new marriage!