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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?
When NC has been established and WS is remorseful, do you ever gain the respect you once had for your wife? Did the feeling of being "so grossed out" and "she's-a-dirty-whore" ever fade? What is the timeline?
Not at a year out.
I didn't really struggle with "you're a dirty whore" feelings, though. Mine is more of just a general loss of respect.
I don't have confidence in her ability to make sound decisions, to select appropriate friendships, to maintain personal boundaries, etc. Of course, that could be because she doesn't seem to have made much progress since the A in making better decisions.
Now, I did have some interesting incidents where I began to find her physically repulsive in ways that I hadn't before. (Not to be crass, but I suddenly became very conscious of some of the effects of weight and age that I'd always overlooked before.) That wasn't constant, though. Just something that cropped up a dozen times or so over the first six months.
(I learned that if I avoided having sex with her for a week or so, I managed to get over it. :) ).
Our first d-day was in February. Found out NC had not been established in April. Then I found out there had been others, and there had been PA in June. It took another 2 months after that to begin to renew the respect I once had. A big part of that is from MC and getting to the bottom of her issues. She's been working very hard. I never really had the "dirty W***** feelings. I do still wrestle with mind movies. I'm just rambling. Sorry
I never felt she was a whore. She never admitted to a PA though. But my gut tells me otherwise.
What I lost are some of the things w-a-l mentioned... loss of respect, confidence in her ability to make appropriate friendship... And this one especially come up when she keeps saying things like "I'll make sur enot to talk to anyone and never make any nbew friends" And all I can think is... Hon, it's not about making new friends or talking to people. It's about not telling them you're marriage sucks and f*cking them and agreeing to move in with them. If you can't figure out where the line is then you do have a problem.
The biggest one I lost is sincerely being able to know I always had a woman who stood by my side, thick and thin, no matter what. When I see a guy, proud of his wife... I just think "Gosh... I really wish I could make that speech someday... But if I do, I'll just be thinking in my head "And here's to my wife, who was with me through everyt... I mean, through almost everything."
That's a great point, SoulDreamer. I hope that at some point the feeling that I'm married to someone I can be proud to claim as my wife comes back. Because right now it's very much, "Meh. This is the woman I'm married to."
It sucks to feel ashamed of your spouse on a regular basis.
I think this is part of the over all damage that an A causes and like the other parts, can fade with time. I didn't say will fade with time, because do much depends on how your fww responds from this point forward.
Although the scar will always be there, a mutually loving, respectful relationship can heal many wounds.....with time and effort.
The first thing you need to loose is that "dirty whore" image. There is something wrong with anyone who has an affair period. If your wife knows she has done wrong and is remorsful about what has happened then address the issues, calling her that only causes a wourse self image for her and lets face it thats what got you here in the first place. But I will admit I also had those thoughts at first but that all stems from the pain not the person
[This message edited by racerx at 2:45 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
I notice that most of you mentioned things that you lost. I was wondering if there's any possibility that you will ever gain them back. And more. Would you be able to be proud of your wife someday? Is it impossible already. Would it be possible that someday you will say "My wife is an amazing woman. I love her dearly. I have no regrets in my decision to R with her!"
What does it take? Is it at all possible? Thanks for all the replies. I just want to be hopeful.
Yes to all the above!
[This message edited by racerx at 2:46 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
Never had the "dirty whore" feelings....
It is all about the lying and deceipt part of it to me, that someone I could love and trust so much could lie and hurt me without a blink of an eye and throw away every thing we worked for over the years..... and come home and look me in the eye like nothing was up???
I was gaining pride in her again until Dday#2 when I found out that she was still lying to me....
[This message edited by BadBack at 2:49 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
i used to respect WW. then the A started, i got 6 months of gaslighting and lying, and then after d-day...i lost all respect, trust, faith, etc. in WW.
i had all sorts of "dirty whore" thoughts about her for a while. those changed when i really started to understand why she did what she did. then i started to look at her w/ pity, pity for a weak-minded person.
at the moment, i'm able to trust her so far as to trust that she's not out balling someone else.
however, i don't trust her to make good decisions all the time.
i don't trust her to always be there for me the way a spouse should during times of trouble.
in fact, i don't trust her to be able to deal with crisis at all.
my faith in WW is dead.
and the only thing that will ever raise it from the dead is to see her go thru some sort of crisis with me, be mutually supportive of me, and stick w/ me. although, the thought just hit me that maybe she is doing it by R'ing, but that seems kind of hollow to me at the moment.
a biggie would be to see her actually admit what some of her own issues are (like how P-A she is) and admit that she needs to change those defficiencies. and then further to see her actually do it.
Wish I had more hopeful advice for you, bittermusic. Maybe one of the guys who is farther out will be on to answer later.
Like you, I'm *hoping* that it changes, and I'm doing what I consider to be the work to *get* to that goal, but there aren't any surefire road maps. So much of rebuilding respect depends on the actions of our FWW's.
I agree on the loss of knowing she had my back. Now, I'm a little scared.
I am very of proud of how hard she is working on herself now. She is working her ass off, and is making huge improvements.
I'm there w/ Wifehad5 too,
Mine had her A when I was recovering from back fusion surgery...she had my back alright.... Im dead afraid to have any other medical procedures again even though I need another back surgery....even though she swears on her life she'll be there for me "this time"....
Oddly enough, I was recovering from near-fatal encephalitis at the time my WS's affair started. She flat out told me that the stress of my being ill was a major factor in her infidelity.
So, yeah, after I'd held her hand through her debilitating depression, the death of her father, the death of her grandmother, the very traumatic births of our children, the miscarriages, etc., when I actually needed *her* to stand up on her own and take care of me, she ran into the arms of my best friend (because he "understood what she was going through" fearing that I might die).
Yeah, there's a lot to respect there. Like BrokenBack, it makes me terrified to ever get sick again.
Yep Wincing.... I was always there for her for every little and big illness tramua she had through our marriage also...even during her A period, she thought she had skin cancer, and who was the one (even with the bad back) who sat there in the Doctors office while she had the tumor removed and was worried if his wife had cancer.....sure wasnt Don Juan at her job.....if I knew then she was messing around on me I would have told him to sit there with her....and then again, I probably would have been there becasue I dont abandon my commitments like she did...
it does make you wonder if I'm ever in a bad accident...how quickly would she pull the plug on me??? something I wouldnt have worried about before....
[This message edited by BadBack at 3:23 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
It's been two and a half years for me, and just last night, I found myself thinking "HOW COULD YOU?" It hit so hard I had to stop what I was doing and take a couple deep breaths before I could continue. So the timeline is still ticking for me.
As to your question about gaining respect again, I think that came as the result of a conscious choice. I decided that showing or feeling respect for her said more about me than it did about her.
I also had to admit that her confession, acceptance of responsibility, and efforts to fix what she'd broken were worthy of respect as well.
I remember when I started getting the respect back. It was when I decided to R with her. I had told her I was going to file for D. We had a very deep heart-to-heart talk about that.
She said it would destroy her, but she loved me and just wanted me to be happy. If that meant D, then she'd do whatever I wanted. She said she hoped I would meet someone who made me happy again. She had tears streaming down her face at the time.
I realized then that this woman is truly sorry for what she did and really does love me. That she would be willing to let me go in order for me to be happy again, I thought was a pretty selfless act on her part.
I honestly respected her for that, and thought she deserved another chance. I don't regret my decision at all.
BTW, this was about 9 months post DDay#1
[This message edited by tputer at 3:31 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]
Ultimately, I guess that's one of the betrayals we're talking about. I mean, I've got friends that I respect as husbands or employees or something else, but I'd never talk with them about some personal issues, because I don't respect their opinions on, say, fatherhood. They've proven to me that their style of fatherhood runs counter to mine. That isn't a respect they can ever earn back from me, because I've seen enough examples from them to have determined that I don't respect their methods *in that particular*.
Are there some things for which infidelity kills not just immediate respect, but respect for all time?
For example, in the last year, I've listened to my wife give advice to a handful of her newlywed nieces on how to handle old boyfriends who are hanging around. Literally, all I can do is roll my eyes. As far as I'm concerned, she'll never have the right to advise anyone on stuff like that. She wants to give advice on paying for school tuition, fine. How to fix the dryer, great! How to deal with babies, you bet!
How to be faithful over the long haul? Prove to me that you can do it for ten years, and maybe -- maybe -- I'll take you seriously.
Prove to me that you can do it for ten years, and maybe -- maybe -- I'll take you seriously
- I guess this is where I'm fortunate. I didn't find out about FWW's little trysts until 12 years after the last one. So she at least has 12 years of fidelity to build on. I think that's pretty huge.
This is all new for me as well. Hard for me to say how or if i will ever get the respect back, but something that SoulDreamer said is what sticks in my head "It's about not telling them you're marriage sucks and f*cking them and agreeing to move in with them."
That is what my wife did to me, she even tried to tell me that she was going to be sleeping on the couch when she moved in with him....yea, like she slept on the couch in that hotel room 2 hours away. I still love and enjoy my wife's company very much, but as to trusting her....not even sure wheer to begin....
[This message edited by wizver3 at 3:51 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]