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Men only - Timeline to regain respect for FWW?

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destroyedw posted 11/24/2008 00:17 AM

You can see my timeline below, but I am 3+ months from D-Day. Partial NC has been achieved, but still works with OM.

My question is - I was consciously not told a truth this past weekend about her going out with her friends from work. I am traveling 1,000's of miles away on business so I can't see everything. I called home to find a babysitter Sat night. Called WW - no answer. She finally calls the next morning and after some pleasantries, I get into the issue with her not telling me. She said that it was the lesser of 2 evils. I say it is more disrespectful to not tell knowing I will find out anyway. She purposely did not tell as she was afraid I would be upset and ruin her night out.

This is the kind of respect I just don't get. Her not going full NC, deception about who she goes out with and when and little remorse for A.

When do they get it? I guess I am still dealing with a foggy WW.

wincing_at_light posted 11/24/2008 00:53 AM

Yeah, dw, that is definitely beyond the pale.

When do they get it? Sometimes they don't.

For my wife, it took being repeatedly busted over 18 months for it to begin to sink in that she wouldn't get to go back to doing whatever she wanted.

She never once came to me and admitted anything. I had to bust her every time. She was always keeping secrets, hiding things, picking the lesser of two evils (and just behaving honorably never entered the picture). And it wasn't even so much sneaking around and doing terrible things behind my back. She just wanted to do whatever she wanted to do and figured that if I didn't know about it, no one would get hurt.

Well, except her, because she always got busted, and then had to re-experience the whole shame/guilt/embarrassment cycle of discovery. In many ways, having a FWW who doesn't get it is like parenting a teenager.

So, the question is, if she's going to keep pulling these stunts, what are you going to do to make those decisions uncomfortable for her? You can't force her to make the correct decisions, but what you can do is make sure that the incorrect decisions make her miserable.

destroyedw posted 11/24/2008 02:11 AM


Our new MC is demanding NC. So finally someone else is telling her NC. Old MC did not do this, called OM a distraction.

So, I am hoping that NC will start a new attitude. Help her see differently.

She still has not removed OM from her heart.

If this does not work, it is off to the next step. D I refuse to sit and be used as a provider while she pines for someone else.

Any other suggestions?

[This message edited by destroyedw at 2:12 AM, November 24th (Monday)]

Jimi40 posted 11/25/2008 11:12 AM

I just read this whole thread, and thought about respect.

Respect means a lot of different things. On a practical level it seems to include taking someone's feelings, needs, thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration.

Did my wife take any of these into consideration? Nope!

Does she now? Only some.

Do I take any of these into consideration? Truthfully, yes.

Do I think she ever will take all of these into consideration? I have my doubts.

toonice posted 2/5/2009 15:35 PM

The biggest one I lost is sincerely being able to know I always had a woman who stood by my side, thick and thin, no matter what. When I see a guy, proud of his wife... I just think "Gosh... I really wish I could make that speech someday... But if I do, I'll just be thinking in my head "And here's to my wife, who was with me through everyt... I mean, through almost everything."

Yeah - that one REALLY stings. The lost of the illusion that I had a PARTNER for life.

In my case, my FWW actually WAS a whore. Not only would she screw a different partner when OM#3 told her to, she also went on her own to get a job doing "sensual massage" with happy endings. (by her account, she only did it twice, and had to have her trainer finish for her because she couldn't complete the task).
And for the record; no, I have never called her a "whore" to her face. I'd be afraid she'd kill herself.

She gave me a sob story about how she felt "worthless" - and you know how she spent the money she made? Christmas presents for me. How sweet. :puke:

But as far as respect goes - she told me that she did it because OM#3 "made her" and she couldn't get him to leave her alone. To that, I answer. . . either she was a rational adult, who made decisions she should own. . . or she is not mentally competent, and should be institutionalized.

Thinking of one's spouse in this way - no, I do not think that respect is ever coming back into this relationship.

She never had it for me in the first 15 years. So now for the rest of our M, that disrespect will be mutual.

Jimi40 posted 2/6/2009 08:39 AM

A long way out, and still not fully recovered, I'm thinking maybe, I'm expecting too much.

Razor posted 2/6/2009 10:56 AM

Im 11 years from Dday#1 and soon to be 2 years from Dday#2.

The respect never came back fro me. Hers was a LTA that undermined so much of our marrage that there just wasnt any foundation to build anything on.

Like many WWs she never took responsibility for her A and always said it was my fault. Early on in R she told me that it was my job to win her back since it was my actions that drove her away in the first place. We tried MC and IC but never found a good one. In the end things normalized to the point where I was ok with the M. Then after a lot of years of NC she thought it was ok to reconnect with her old friend (OM) because they were such good friends before the PA started and it would be good to catch up.

Just prior to her reconnect I was getting more and more of those white lies you guys are talking about. Lesser of evils, didnt want you to get mad, and all the other excuses were told to me as well. Eventually they escallated to her seeing her OM again. I busted her on that one. She says nothing happened but there is no way I could know for sure, and with all the white lies and didnt want to hurt you lies I just cant believe her. She says they are NC now but again I dont know that really.

Do I respect her now? No. Did I respect her during our false R? No. Did I respect her before Dday#1? Yes, but she didn't respect me during that time. I think to give respect you have to feel respected. I also thing that for many of us BHs the disrespect of our WWs EA & PA is just too much to get over. We hang round hopeing it can work out but it rarely does.

We are headed toward D but with the econ the way it is its hard to sell the house, so its taking longer than it should to finalize the D.

jjct posted 2/10/2009 21:10 PM

haven't read all 7 pages here.
there's a timeline?
as long as memory may last,
however long THAT is. lol!

thelonelyone posted 2/11/2009 13:33 PM

I didn't really have "dirty whore" mentality, just "whore". LOL! But I kept that to myself. It did fade and has faded, but it was over a year before it did, maybe even 1.5 years. I think its the day to day, the rebuilding of respect that gets rid of it IMHO.


dragonfly2008 posted 2/11/2009 13:56 PM

I never considered her a "dirty whore" - in fact, it's one of the things I didn't call her.

Right now, it's one year since d-day so I'm triggering more than I have been. My emotions are swinging so I can't say I feel much respect for her right now.

However it has been slowly coming back. I know there's no straight line to recovery, I will have setbacks.

My history with her shows that she can be an incredible human being, and she has shown true remorse and is working hard on us.

HurtinFool posted 2/11/2009 18:57 PM

I also never called her a dirty whore. Respect, yeah, she has lost it. Not only because what she did, but the fact that she will not own up to what she did.

[This message edited by HurtinFool at 6:58 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]

cani4give posted 3/7/2009 09:24 AM

I just past my first D-day antiversary, and my emotions have taken a nose dive. Thinking back to how she treated me like a piece of s*%# makes me .

[This message edited by cani4give at 6:47 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

Weightless posted 4/13/2009 13:58 PM

Our D-Day is July, but this time last year my FWW was in the thick of her A. Her birthday , 3/14 , was tough because she had intercourse with OM the first time on 3/13. The other dates of her sexcapades and other hurtful things she did are burned into my brain as I tick through the calendar. I was looking through some of my pictures the other day and happened across the one I found in her email and downloaded to my computer of when she took a picture (with her iphone) of her pussy from a resturant bathroom while out with her friends and emailed it to her soon to be fuck buddy. Her wedding ring is nice and evident on her hand which is holding up her skirt. Good shit.

hurtingbad posted 4/13/2009 14:07 PM

i am a little over 18 months post d-day and still struggling horribly. respect and trust are shot and no where to be seen.

cani4give posted 4/13/2009 22:44 PM

Weightless, that is horrible. What gets into these people anyways?!?

[This message edited by cani4give at 6:48 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

wincing_at_light posted 4/14/2009 16:33 PM

Those sorts of stories always remind me: why is it that so many women spend their whole lives demanding that men (and especially their husbands) "treat [them] with respect", but as soon as they become OPs or WW's, they can't degrade themselves fast enough?

It's like repudiating your entire life up to that point in order to stand on a rooftop and shout, "NO, I AM A SKANK! I REALLY AM!!"

I will never forget that on D-day, one of my wife's "demands" in staying (after she begged me not to toss her out not an hour before) was that I treat her "with the respect [she] deserve(s)" through the whole process of reconciling.

And I'm thinking, "The amount of respect you deserve? Oh, like that's going to be hard."

cani4give posted 4/15/2009 00:00 AM


[This message edited by cani4give at 6:50 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

Weightless posted 4/15/2009 15:47 PM

Those sorts of stories always remind me: why is it that so many women spend their whole lives demanding that men (and especially their husbands) "treat [them] with respect", but as soon as they become OPs or WW's, they can't degrade themselves fast enough?

Holy shit! That's so true!

cani4give posted 5/17/2009 23:25 PM


[This message edited by cani4give at 6:51 PM, July 6th (Monday)]

wincing_at_light posted 5/18/2009 21:35 PM

I gotta tell you: in my book, that's the BH equivalent of the "Did OM have a bigger dick than me?"

You *can* be honest about your eternal lack of respect, but it's just going to hurt everybody in the end.

It's a question that should never be asked...and understand that if she *does* ask, it's like you asking if OM had a bigger dick. You don't really want the just want reassurance that you're the one.

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